Jason Kreis Confirms, "I'm Not Mad, I'm Just Disappointed"

NEW YORK - Head coach of New York City FC, Jason Kreis, has said that he isn't mad at his team.... he is just disappointed in an exclusive interview with The Nutmeg News on Tuesday.

That's IT, I'm turning this team around and we are going home. No one gets to go to Disney World this year. I'm serious about this.  DON'T PUSH ME, I'll turn this right around! God In Heaven, I'm going to drive this team off a cliff!

That's IT, I'm turning this team around and we are going home. No one gets to go to Disney World this year. I'm serious about this.  DON'T PUSH ME, I'll turn this right around! God In Heaven, I'm going to drive this team off a cliff!

"It's disappointing really. I asked Andrea and Frank to show up prepared for our road trip and our recent games and they weren't ready. They spent the whole time talking about playing Guess Who in the van ride to the airport and neither of them went to the potty when they needed to go. I mean the airport alone was a complete disaster. Mix was running all over the place with crayons in his mouth, Poku was standing in a corner very upset that the other kids wouldn't let him play. Honestly, It's a wonder that I haven't gone for a pack of cigarettes and not come back in the last few months. Look, It's like I told Frank when he came back from summer vacation and I could smell the celebration alcohol on his breath. I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed."

Kreis reportedly said that he wanted to spend more time with the management staff from Manchester City so that he could remember what it was like to be in a loving relationship without, "All these pesky little shits that can't dribble a ball and stop someone from scoring to save their lives."

The Nutmeg News found out that Kreis is dreading a planned summer vacation to Havasu with the team in 2016. 

"It's going to be awful. Someone is going to forget their cleats, another player is going to get lost on the golf course, Mix and Shay are already planning on trying to do cannonballs off the dock. Its impossible to get these guys in a line. I just want to find a way out of this dire, loveless marriage before I end up chain smoking Pall Malls and drinking my way into a job with Exeter City."

 

Executive Admits, "I Use NFL Analogies Because I Don't Really Understand Soccer"

A prominent US Soccer executive has admitted to The Nutmeg News that he frequently uses other sports as the basis for his analogies when explaining elements of soccer because he doesn't actually understand the game.

"Look, I'm part of an ownership team and a management team in this league but I didn't really intend to be in soccer. My knowledge of the game is very low so I tend to frame things using analogies from other sports, most specifically the NFL. The other day I couldn't figure out why we aren't able to score so I just told the boys to 'punch it in there like Emmitt Smith would'. Man that confused the everloving hell out of our South American imports. The other day some of our fans were wrong by criticizing our coaching staff, but I just had to tell them, 'Gregg Popovich wouldn't conduct business this way' because I didn't know a coaching alternative in the soccer world to use as an example. I don't know, is there even a Gregg Popovich type coach or even a Jim Mora type in the soccer world?"

When asked if he would take the time to understand the game for the team he owns, this anonymous person said, "Well, I'm going through some courses with a few ex-players, our technical director and I'm reading some things on line. But y'know I'm just more comfortable talking about hard nosed players like Bear Bryant had rather than players that Steve Busby had, plus I don't want to get on a rant here but who is really able to absorb all the years of history in the game of soccer overnight. I still prefer watching baseball to this game....

.

.

Um, could you edit what I said earlier? I meant Matt... Matt Busby. There's just so much to learn."

The Nutmeg News asked about the style that this executive teams are playing and he had the following to say, "Well we blend the up-tempo Patriots style, with Peyton Mannnings no-huddle sensibilities and the defense of the late 90's Tampa Bay Buccaneers with the frenetic ruggedness of Iverson's 76ers teams. We really think it will make an impact!"

"Promotion and Relegation" Twitter Game Frightens Parents

Parents across the continent are reporting concern at a new game enthralling young and old alike. The new game is called "Promotion and Relegation" and it has created such a scare that people are now warning those in control of their twitter accounts to not seek the thrill.

"We went down to a basement deep in the earth," said 35 year old nursing student and LA Galaxy fan Shonda Evans. "We faced a mirror and typed PROMOTION AND RELEGATION into our twitter accounts and hit send. A red glow emanated from the screen as the battery on our cellphone overheated with a barrage of insane replies, arguing and bickering. The heat and smoke were immense. Immediately we were faced with a veritable brigade of walking undead twitter accounts sent to feast upon our twitter feed. There was a low rumbling and my mentions were filled with TED. I felt an immense twinge of panic.  The audible words 'TED TED TED TED TED TED' became apparent and the red glow became more intense. TED TED TED continued and it came from deep down as though it wasn't even coming from my cell phone. The whole thing was terrifying. Out of the 10 friends of mine that tried this, 8 of them ended up with locked down twitter accounts. I now regret this game and I want to warn everyone to not attempt such things, it will only lead to sadness. Praise Ted."

PROMOTION AND RELEGATION has long been a cult hit game on twitter. "Just a taste" is what the pushers on your child's street corner dispensing troll starter kits will say. However, now the game is breaking into the mainstream and families are getting involved.

"I introduced my father to soccer and now he just stars at a screen typing the words over and over again into his account. He doesn't even know what they mean, but he knows that sending them out gets him responses and he is very lonely since his dog passed away in June. Do not let you friends play this game!" said Junior Flores of Fort Lauderdale, Florida. 

Theo Cassabian of Myrtle Beach had a different story to share with The Nutmeg News as we met at Rioz Brazilian Steakhouse on 2920 Hollywood Drive to discuss this game.

"I started off a mild mannered accountant, but now I am an accountant that trolls from morning to noon on issues regarding financial independence and league alignment in soccer. I don't even know how to stop anymore. I just hear the call and troll. There is no enjoyment anymore, no land that will accept me. My wife just gave up on the game, my children are into interpretive dance. DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, TED BE THY NAME. ALL THESE LEAGUES WILL PAY!" he said before sinking into a delicious slice of carefully prepared meat.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it continues to happen.

TNN MAD LIBS: Become A Journalist, Create Your Very Own "MLS TO MY CITY" Idiotic Rumor Article

Editors Note: Here is a form that will allow you, the viewer, to create your very own city rumor that can be published in any of your local city newspapers. Just replace the items below with your own city/team information and voila! You are a SOCCER JOURNALIST!

YOUR CITY, YOUR STATE -  PRESIDENT/MAYOR of YOUR TOWN says HE/SHE's "very bullish" on YOUR CITY as a spot to possibly expand Major League Soccer, and TEAM OWNER operating manager of the TEAM IN YOUR GENERAL AREA, plans to meet with YOUR MAYOR/PRESIDENT next week to discuss HIS/HER leagues current situation and start talks on building a stadium specifically for soccer.

Currently, The YOUR TEAM has a five-year sub-lease from the YOUR GOVERNMENT to play home games at CITY FIELD THAT DOESN'T ALLOW BEER SALES, but TEAM OWNER says a lack of parking and concession revenues, along with limited sponsorship at the recreational fields, aren't ideal, FICTIONAL NEWS AGENCY reports.

TEAM OWNER also said it costs $5,000 per game to rent CITY FIELD, and with additional personnel costs that send the cost soaring above $20,000, it's "not a sustainable situation."

The league can end its five-year deal with no penalty if a new stadium is built, but that hinges specifically on convincing everyone in the city that using taxpayer money for something that is almost certainly not going to happen is a good idea.

The CURRENT LEAGUE ORGANIZATION has requested that its franchises build their own stadiums by 2020. TEAM OWNER envisions starting with a 9,000-seat facility, and with the MLS in mind, having the potential to expand it to 20,000 seats.

"QUOTE GOES HERE" - TEAM OWNER

YOUR CITY is also in a race against other cities that might build stadiums for their own teams but will never get an MLS franchise until their ownership has a billion dollars and all the trendy cities are flourishing, including JUST PICK THREE CITIES OUT OF A HAT, THEY AREN'T GETTING AN MLS TEAM ANYWAY.

"If one of them gets an MLS team, I doubt that another one does," TEAM OWNER said.

As FICTIONAL NEWS AGENCY never previously reported, a study that was conducted earlier this year showed that a Major League Soccer franchise has the most potential — out of any other professional sports franchises — to survive in YOUR CITY.

Could A New Soccer Stadium Bring MLS to Mackinaw City?

Mackinaw City, MI -  President  of the Village Council Robert Heilman  says he's "very bullish" on Mackinaw City as a spot to possibly expand Major League Soccer; and David Ortrea, operating manager of the Petoskey Youth Soccer Association, plans to meet with Heilman next week to discuss his leagues current situation and start talks on building a stadium specifically for soccer.

FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! 

FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! 

Currently, The Petoskey Youth Soccer Association has a five-year sub-lease from the Petoskey city council to play home games at Petoskey Field, but Ortrea says a lack of parking and concession revenues, along with limited sponsorship at the recreational fields, aren't ideal, The Nutmeg News reports.

Ortrea also said it costs $5,000 per game to rent Petoskey Field, and with additional personnel costs that send the cost soaring above $20,000, it's "not a sustainable situation."

The league can end its five-year deal with no penalty if a new stadium is built, but that hinges specifically on convincing everyone in the city that using taxpayer money for something that is almost certainly not going to happen is a good idea.

The American Youth Soccer Organization has requested that its franchises build their own stadiums by 2020. Ortrea envisions starting with a 9,000-seat facility, and with the MLS in mind, having the potential to expand it to 20,000 seats.

"We gotta get some more money made off these little soccer hellions before they move on to work in our nation's fast food restaurants. Also, who doesn't want an MLS Franchise in Mackinaw City. Instead of sending our northern Michigan products to work for Taco Bell, we could send them to play for the Mackinaw City Fudge Lovers FC. GO FUDGE LOVERS FC!" - David Ortrea

Mackinaw City is also in a race against other cities that might build stadiums for their own teams but will never get an MLS franchise until their ownership has a billion dollars and all the trendy cities are flourishing, including Indianapolis, Cincinnati and St. Louis.

"If one of them gets an MLS team, I doubt that another one does," Ortrea said.

As The Nutmeg News never previously reported, a study that was conducted earlier this year showed that a Major League Soccer franchise has the most potential — out of any other professional sports franchises — to survive in Mackinaw City.

 

With Only 8 Games Left, Blogger Comes Up With Increasingly Bizarre Ideas For Struggling Team

Denver, CO - Blogger Isaac Travian refuses to give up on the Colorado Rapids season despite the poor performance of the team over the past 26 games. 

"All we need is a shift to a 8 man forward system where we play two at the back as a security measure and we will make the playoffs" said Mr Travian.

"I know that over the season the Rapids managed to score less than a goal a game over the course of the 2015 season, and I know that this has been the case now for 26 straight games. I also know that there is almost no chance that any of this is going to change because if they didn't fix it in the first 26 games they likely aren't going to fix anything in the next 8 games. However, I think if the team ran an 8 forward system with the staggering along the back line and the two centerbacks playing as deep lying playmakers there to just intercept and lob the ball up top that we might be able to find a way to make the playoffs."

Mr Travian stated that he also wants to have the keeper join in as a different option for attack. "They are really under utilized just sitting back there doing nothing. So I want to see Irwin push forward and get into the midfield. He can offer the link between the defense and my 8 forward system."

While Mr Travian admitted that he doesn't believe the front office will implement his new style of play, he says that they should. 

"This is a new age, a new methodology. We can be the best team in MLS. So what if we have already played one specific way with specific results for the entirety of the season. There has to be a way that we can move forward and win with this roster. I mean our struggles couldn't be that we just don't have very good players, that's impossible. I know we have great players because they are all so approachable and nice off the field! We just gotta find a way to win! Maybe we could even involved a 9 forward formation. Think about it! They only ever have two centerbacks! Nine forwards would overrun the whole team!"

Intern Tuesday: Oh. My. God. Klopas was fired OVER THE PHONE

The Nutmeg News allows interns to write stories as a way to give them an opportunity for success as well as give us a break to play FIFA. This article was written by fifteen year old Becky Goodhaven and has not been edited in any way. -The Nutmeg News

O
M
G

Did you hear what Montreal Impact's Joey Saputo told Nick De Santis to do to their coach Frank Klopas? Yeah they fired him, duh! We all knew that. But get this, did you hear HOW they did it? No? Ohmygod You are not going to believe this.

Ok, so I heard from Emily who heard from Tracie who talked to Amanda who says her dad read a sports blog that says De Santis fired him OVER THE PHONE.

I know I know I know right? Drama!!

They've been together two years and he couldn't even meet him like after practice by his locker or something. I mean when Chris and I were dating (Chris is the really cute guy on the basketball team who is really into old rock bands like Nirvana) anyway, when we were dating he got mad because I wouldn't ever give him a bj because I wanted to take things slow and because, ew, right? Ok, anyway, when HE decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore he met me outside my class after third period and was like "Um, I don't want to date anymore." And then I told him he's just a giant perv and that he has a lot to learn and that his music sucks and that his hair is stupid.  But at least he was man enough to come talk to me in person. By the way, Chris, I would totally take you back if you want, you're music isn't stupid and you're totally hawt please don't date Stacy she's a skank and has given like a thousand handjobs and you'll probably catch the clap.

Anyway. So De Santis is totally like Chris, right? Klopas isn't putting out for him or something but he's like totally scared to talk to him face to face because he'll probably see his abs and be like OHMUHGAWD and just like totally not fire him because of his hot bod. It would have been better if De Santis at least got one of his friends to go to Klopas and talk to his face and break up for him, but even that is a pretty shitty thing to do and I'd still be pissed.

I even heard that De Santis and Saputo totally unfriended Klopas on his Facebook, Instagram, AND Twitter the night before they fired him. I mean, whoah, right? How did he not see this coming. I guess Klopas either didn't get the hint or else his phone was dead and he didn't check in or something, but still Saputo was totally trying to avoid talking to him. LAME.

So to summarize, my yearbook class says that each story has to have the five w's: who, what, when where, and why.

Who: Saputo and De Santis and Klopas
What: Klopas was fired
When: A couple days ago or something?
Where: OVER THE PHONE
Why: Because Joey Saputo is totally in love with Klopas and was like there's no way he can talk to him in person because it'd be way to hard to break up with him if I had to look at him and his awesome hair and plus he's probably wearing that shirt that he really likes but he won't let him borrow it and his dad has a really awesome car that they were going to use to go to prom this year and all his friends are super jealous of him and Chris please take me back, you can post a comment to this story and I'll totally call you. Please don't date Stacy, I hate her.

 

Daniel Sturridge Celebrates 26th Birthday By Straining Calf 26 Times

Liverpool, England - Liverpool Football Club player and persistently injured medical test patient Daniel Sturridge today celebrated his 26th birthday by straining his calf 26 times and being carried of the field.

"I wanted to celebrate my birthday in a very realistic way," said Sturridge "So I did some long stretches and ran out onto the practice field to play. I then strained for an over hit pass, felt my calf go, felt my hamstrings implode and fell to the ground awaiting the stretcher off the field. Once the medical staff came to get me, they took me to the tent, gave me some cake, rubbed some horse placenta on my feet and then sang Happy Birthday to me. It was great."

"Some people want to bike a kilometer for each year of their life, or buy an extravagant gift. I just wanted to celebrate by straining my calf the same number of years that I've been alive. It was tough to pull off but we did it!"

While Sturridge may be facing another long layoff on the sideline he isn't bitter about this possibility.

"Look, I get paid no matter what. Also, you guys get to figure out if Rodgers is staying or going. By the time I get back on the field we may have a new coach. Good luck with all that stuff. In the mean time I'm going to get back to playing video games and running on a zero gravity treadmill, when they give me the OK for physical activity again."

 

Orlando City SC To Host Ashley Madison Night

Orlando, FL - In light of recent promotions like the Vancouver Whitecaps Tinder Night, Orlando City SC announced that they will be hosting an Ashley Madison night for their match against the Montreal Impact on October 3rd.

Ashley Madison, the infamous extramarital affairs website, was recently hacked and the data of the customers that belong to it was released to the world. This gave Orlando City the idea of hosting an international nod to infidelity.

Orlando City SC public relations manager Jim Duchesnse had the following to say, "With the recent data leak of Ashely Madison customers we now know that your infidelity is exposed. So why not be out with it at an Orlando City game. The tickets will be buy two get one free and will allow you to move sections between your wife and your illicit lover that we will station in a section away from you but still close enough so that you can steal longing glances at one another across the heaving, sweaty, bellowing body of a Bud Light vendor."

Yes, there's even a celebrity option as well, Mr Harkes.

Yes, there's even a celebrity option as well, Mr Harkes.

According to the press release from Orlando City, ushers will distract your spouse as you flit away to pretend like everything is ok in your life while you ritualistically sever the belief in humanity that your husband/wife has at that particular time. Also available is the "Kids Romper Room" which introduces your children to her children in a way that doesn't let them know that you are considering leaving one for the other until that one late night in August where your wife listened to you talk about your old football days and didn't laugh and you shared a long kiss while remembering what it was like to be 18 again. Ahhhhhh, love.

Orlando City SC said, "While we may disagree with infidelity, if we didn't step out on Austin we wouldn't even be here right now, so this only makes sense to us!"