Post FIFA, Blatter Plans To Run North American Supporters Group

Zurich, CH - Sepp Blatter confirmed today that he has thought about his future life plans after stepping down from the FIFA presidency for massive corruption, financial improprieties and eating the pizza of Ex-Co members from the shared company fridge.

"I'm planning on running a Supporters Group in North America. Running a group as a non-profit? Limited financial oversight by people who are gainfully employed at jobs which have nothing to do with financial management? Funds contributed by eager people who want to appear to be the biggest and truest fan in their group? It is perhaps the most fertile ground for future corruption and financial improprieties." said Blatter.

"It should be easy enough to start funneling money away from t-shirt sales and tifo donations as my group will be required to be a non-profit organization and won't want to attract the attention of the government by reporting large sums of money. Given that the status of my group will be made to be a sole source of pride, the idea of challenging what should be unlimited and thoughtless support of this group and thus the team we support will make anyone who does so look like a turncoat. Thus I can ensure that no one will ever decide to investigate my financial skimming and the selling of our future brand for pure financial gain."

Blatter indicated that while he hasn't decided which league or which team, that he is confident that he can easily get away with robbing people of their hard earned money because they will simply ask him to do so because of cool t-shirt designs.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

 

Depsite Blazers Admission Of A Corrupt 96, 98, 00, 02 & 03 Gold Cup, US Soccer Says Everything Is Just Fine

CHICAGO - US Soccer officials today announced that despite Chuck Blazers admission of wide spread corruption in FIFA and CONCACAF regarding the World Cup and Gold Cup, that everything was completely on the up and up recently.

"THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO NEED TO INVESTIGATE FURTHER" said an irate Sunil Gulati. "Sure, the 96, 98, 00, 02, and 03 Gold Cups may have had massive financial irregularities, corruption and bribes, but we have resolved all of these problems by ensuring that we gave control of the Gold Cup over to an opaque organization with absolutely zero oversight by anyone. Clearly if there was smoke there would be fire and there is no reason to change a horse midstream in the desert while eating ice cream with ketchup gloves. STOP ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT SUM. Won't someone leave Don Garber the hell alone?"

US Soccer also took the moment to announce the 2015 Women's World Cup mascot "Unbelievable Distraction" a scantily clad ethnic stereotype mascot said to be conceived by Chuck Blazer on the outside chance that he needed a way to make people pay attention to something other than himself one day.

TNN will have more on this as information comes to light of the massive corruption that exists within the hallways of CONCACAF.

 

 

Advocare And Monsanto Partner Up With Major League Soccer To Release "Rave Green Fitness Prunes"

Seattle, WA - In an extension of their current sponsorship as the OFFICIAL Sports Nutrition Partner of Major League Soccer, AdvoCare today announced a partnership with Monsanto to sell Major League Soccer branded, genetically modified "Rave Green Fitness Prunes".

Having enlisted Seattle Sounder forward Clint Dempsey as a spokesman for the new super fruit, AdvoCare indicated that they are forging ahead into the realm of branded and genetically modified fruits and vegetables with AdvoCare additives to increase strength, flexibility and the frequency of use of the Major League Soccer fan's colon.

"We here at AdvoCare are dedicated to making you better, because you aren't good enough without MUSCLE FUEL." said director of advertising Rod Underwood. "We are partnering up with Monsanto and their flotilla of lawyers to be the first pyramid scheme nutritional supplement organization to sell AdvoCare: Major League Soccer branded Rave Green Fitness Prunes. We will offer a variety of different options including those loaded with 10,000 mg of protein, 10,000 mg of creatine, or even the SUPERMAX Fitness Prune, a fruit loaded with 40,000 mg of fiber, creatine, caffeine and nicotine for that smoooooooth flavor."

While AdvoCare is generally regarded as a pyramid scheme hell bent on relieving easily fooled people out of the money they would have spent on a Herbalife franchise, the Major League Soccer sponsor has made significant inroads into the North American soccer communities in recent years. Mr Underwood had the following to say about these gains, "We are focused on the nutrition of children. More specifically, we are concerned that children today aren't getting enough anabolic steroids in their prunes, strawberries and carrots. How can we compete as a soccer nation if we aren't starting our children on the path to insane doping cycles, additional supplements and yeast additives at an early age. We will never be a nation of soccer until we are filling crossfit gyms with angry 5 foot 4 ex-soccer players who dropped out because the combination of Adderall, CYTOMAX, and ADVOCARE MUSCLE FUEL made them burst a blood vessel in their quad when they tried out for the Columbus Crew."

 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this partnership as it happens.

Soccer Journalist Only Two Stories Away From Getting Promotion Out Of This Crap Gig

WASHINGTON - Washington Post and MLSsoccer.com contributor David Triest was excited to find out that he was only two stories away from getting a promotion out of regurgitating club talking points on an internet platform to incite anger in a comment section.

"Dear God, this purgatory of bullshit is almost over. If I say anything negative or critical I end up getting repeated emails from the front office. If I say anything positive about the club, the fans give me a hard time. I can't wait until I can cover the front office talking points that the Nationals and Major League Baseball give me while simultaneously writing bombastic, long form pieces about cultural touch-points for independent blogs that cover soccer," said Mr Triest.

"I'd say that most people understand that more than half of what I submitted and published could have been contributed by a simple web algorithm that uses cliche phrases and oft submitted paragraphs to formulate some kind of narrative while operating by club specific rules such as 'don't criticize player x' or 'don't talk about offensive problems'. Fortunately, my time as a regurgitating non-investigative reporter on soccer can end."

While Mr. Triest is excited for the new upcoming opportunity with Major League Baseball, he had one additional positive thing to say about his upcoming promotion off the soccer beat.

"At least I can start caring about the game of soccer again."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this story as it happens.

DC United Set To Barnstorm Across United States, Canada And Guam After 11th Hour Stadium Shift

WASHINGTON - DC United announced today that they would be spending the next 5 seasons barnstorming across the United States, Canada and Guam after failing to secure a stadium deal where they don't have to pay any money and the tax payers are held ransom for the next 20 years.

"We decided to do this as an homage to carpetbagging, finance dodging teams from the 1920's whose sole purpose in life was to play teams like the Pittsburgh Riverhounds in front of local gamblers for vast sums of money." said director of communications Walt Gonsih.  "We are mostly interested in making sure we capitalize on every form of revenue stream away from home so we will make certain that we are travelling by bus to every game and will have wing walkers as entertainment during the half time show. As well, we will loan in a some Washington National players during a few games as a gigantic publicity stunt where they pretend to warm up like they are coming in for the whole game only to run around aimlessly for 1 minute."

DC United have long searched for a stadium in the city limits, but they found the road difficult to travel without actually paying for their stadium in whole. Therefore they resolutely decided to avoid paying for any kind of infrastructure at all and intentionally headed towards putting all their unspent money into snazzy uniforms, racoon feed and ownership pockets. "We are considering renaming the squad International Debonair Man's Football Club" said owner Erick Thohir. "At some point in the near future, we may decide to play back in the District of Columbia. More likely it will happen when they elect another mayor that believes in the ideals of laundering public goodwill through vast, expansive and expensive (to the residents) stadium projects."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

Blatter Steps Down To Make Way For Modernized Bribery and 21st Century Coercion

Zurich, CH - Today's shock announcement of Sepp Blatter resigning from FIFA was part of a new movement within FIFA to streamline and modernize its bribery and slavery ethos for the 21st century. Blatter was reportedly viewed as being stuck in the 20th century with his briefcases full of money and clandestine "spies like us" methodology. Blatter was frequently caught making references to Kool and the Gang, which the new modern FIFA millennials could not understand.

FIFA secretary Donald Relante had the following to say, "We felt that Mr Blatter was starting to hold back our money laundering and international crime business. We asked him whether or not he had any idea of how to accept bitcoins as bribes on a FIFA built version of Silk Road and he just looked at us like we were speaking Australian." 

The FIFA presentation of Blatter's resignation was closed by the organizations digital media presentation of their targeted growth in terms of new methodologies for money laundering, corruption, coercion and slavery in the 21st century.

"Gone are the days of briefcases of money, now we will accept digital currencies from our Emir brethren. Soon you will be able to use square (on select iphones) in order to order up a bribe for a World Cup. We are entering a brand new epoch of corruption, and we have the department of justice to thank for that."

 

FIFA Calls Press Conference To Announce That They Unfollowed The United States On Twitter

Zurich, CH - FIFA announced today that it has unfollowed the United States on Twitter. 

Director of Communications Jeremiah Crabbe released this statement, "We were shocked that the United States justice department harshed our vibe on our timeline. It was constantly like, 'yo, where are you getting that cash'. And it wouldn't stop asking about our phone records. So we unfollowed them and blocked them from twitter. That should stop the drama."

Despite this hallow attempt, FIFA did announce that it would be still following the United States on Instagram because it couldn't get enough selfies of Hoda and Kathie Lee  in front of the Golden Gate bridge.