Red Bull New York Admits Interest In Mario Batali

NEW YORK - After an internet campaign by three people in the Secaucus area brought the idea to light, Red Bull New York admitted their interest in Italian striker and chef Mario Batali.

We think the kids call this a mashup.

"It's no secret that we could use help with our on field chemistry as well as our food preparation," stated Jesse Marsch. "What we didn't expect was the we would have fans out there so passionate as to ask for Mario Batali. I'm not entirely certain what he could do for us from a soccer perspective, but if the front office is willing to give him a trial spot.... well... I guess I'll take a look at him."

The internet campaign for #BATALITORBNY was formed by brothers Eric and Lou Dibraggio and their friend Rober Naves of Secaucus, NJ

"We wanted someone that was an international player and we heard that Batali was on the outs with whatever team he is with right now," stated Naves to The Nutmeg News. "We thought this would be a great way for our team to get more goal scoring into the team and a player we want to watch."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as RBNY and Batali combine to create a new delicious line of Energy boosting Spaghetti sauces with Taurine!

Revolution Fan Completely Fine.... Totally... 100%.... Completely Fine.... Ok? Stop ASKING. FINE! TOTALLY FINE!

Boston, MA - New England Revolution Fan Linda Stevens admitted that they were completely fine after the recent trade of Charlie Davies to the Philadelphia Union during the closing hours of the MLS Transfer Window.

The interns found this on Pinterest, but that does not make it any less relevant.

"I'm fine," stated Stevens to The Nutmeg News. "Completely Fine.... Totally... 100%.... Completely Fine.... Ok? Stop ASKING. FINE! TOTALLY FINE!"

Reportedly, Stevens appeared to not actually be fine and was coping with their favorite player being lost to a conference rival after all the things that the Revolution fanbase had gone through with Charlie Davies over the years.

"STOP ASKING. I'M COMPLETELY FINE WITH EVERYTHING," denied Stevens as they decided to continue the exasperating condition of denial before moving onto acceptance in the stages of grief.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stevens admits that they might not be fine after all.

"Zika Chants Taking Things Too Far," State Fans Of Hope Solo

Belo Horizonte, BR - United States Women's soccer fans were, reportedly, aghast as Hope Solo was bombarded with chants of ZIKA and a chorus of boos while playing in the opening women's soccer game of the Olympics.

This isn't THAT bad....... It isn't like she followed it up with

"I don't understand how they can treat a legend that way," stated Philip Levalle of Des Moines. "Those fans in Brazil better be careful or she is going to beat their ass like she drunkenly assaulted her nephew."

Oh, right. Well this probably ruffled the locals the wrong way. It should be said that we here at The Nutmeg News support protecting yourself from getting a virus.

"Doing a zika chant is way too far! WAY TOO FAR! It's one thing to drunkenly steal the team van and joy ride with your husband while he gets a DUI and the police admit to showing favoritism to keep you from going to jail. It's another to actively attempt to avoid and dismiss prosecution for domestic violence against her nephew and sister, but chanting zika at Hope is TOO FAR!," stated Wendy Albacan of Santa Fe.

The Nutmeg News caught up with Ms. Solo and her husband Jerramy Stevens as they drove around in the USA Team van buying Caipirinha ingredients.

"This is an outrage," stated Solo. "Just because I demonstrably made a point of over exaggerating all the gear I was going to bring and took pictures with a bed full of deet and a selfie with me wearing a full head net and a pint of mosquito repellent, doesn't mean that I should expect the fans here to make fun of me. I can make fun of me, they can't make fun of me."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Solo continues to play well for her team despite the threat of prosecution back in the United States.

Columbus Crew Still Waiting For 2016 Season To Start

Columbus, OH - Players for the Columbus Crew were reportedly still waiting for the 2016 season to start as they watched many of the teams in Major League Soccer getting ready for the stretch run into the playoffs.

See? 8 other teams have started the season!!

"I keep asking Gregg when the season is going to begin," stated designated player Federico Higuain. "I found it very odd to find out that my hernia injury would not be affecting what should be the time when we should be fighting for the playoffs, but Gregg indicated that we would be fine and ready to go when the season kicks off."

According to insider sources, many of the Crew players found the fact that the season had not begun by August 3rd to be more than odd but they continued their preparation for the upcoming games anyway.

"At some point, I assume we are going to be playing games that matter instead of friendlies and exhibitions to get ready for 2016,"stated Crew midifelder Ben Swanson. "I'll just continue working on my rehabilitation from this injury that came out of nowhere and hope that the season starts soon."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Crew players try to determine whether they should just start getting ready for 2017 as the 2016 season is already more than half over.

Chicago Fire Fan Feels Completely Mollified By Amount Of Pretend Money Team Has Stockpiled

CHICAGO - Fire fans, today, said that they felt completely mollified by the amount of pretend money that the Fire stockpiled by being the worst team in the league for the past few years. 

Look at all those fans that are thoroughly excited for the stockpile of allocation money that the Fire have. 

The Fire's strategy of being absolutely, heart-rendingly god-awful, squatting on the top allocation spot, not signing players, trading their rights to other teams in the league for spreadhseet points, signing players that have been uniformly awful, and then trading/releasing them has drawn a large amount of recent praise from the talking heads online as a template for the future.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Daryl Jones of Edison Park and he had the following to say, "Yes, indeed, I am totally fine with my team being the worst team in the league over the last three seasons because now, as the transfer window slowly closes, they have a lot of theoretical Garber bucks. As the internet commentators say, I'm totally fine with the implosion of my team and the complete inept fortunes that have taken place of the past few years that now allow my team the chance to rebuild from the absolute bottom of the league."

As many commentators stated, the Chicago Fire are now in a great position to rebuild, continuing a rebuilding project that has continued to happen over the course of the past 5 years. 

"I don't know how much longer we will be rebuilding," stated Jefferson Grant of West Garfield Park. "However, I do know that we need to trust the teams process of being utterly shit, treating their fans like pariahs and not winning a game on the road while shuffling off quality players to other locations. That way, when they amass a ton of money to spend, they can ensure to spend it on players like Gilberto."

"It takes a really talented front office team and ownership to make such a vibrant, diverse, energetic and cosmopolitan city be saddled with one of the worst and most unattractive teams to play for in the league," stated Sandra Blevens of Lawndale. "Hats off to them for that. It's really is a Herculean feat to make playing for a soccer team in Chicago feel akin to playing for a municipal baseball team in Lubbock during a dust storm."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fire parlay more of their terrible league position into money.

Bored Journalist Begins Writing, "Chicago Fire Part Ways With Veljko Paunovic" Copy

NEW YORK - Soccer journalist David Morrow admitted that he started writing the "Chicago Fire Part Ways With Veljko Paunovic" story Tuesday morning in order to combat a momentary amount of boredom.

This image should do, Frank. It has the right amount of stoic gazing at the camera before the crushing realization of what coaching in Major League Soccer will do to your soul.

"Just look at his record," stated Morrow. "With that organization it is only a matter of time.... and by time I mean a short while, not 8 years from now."

Morrow began his column with the typical statements of "Paunovic released by Chicago Fire after disappointing 2016" before attributing the base platitudes such as, "The Chicago Fire wish Veljko Paunovic well and thank him for his time with the club" to the Fire that are typically included in press release statements.

"Some may say that I'm ahead of the game," stated Morrow. "I mean, look at what happened with Mastroeni in year two. However, the worst thing that happens is that I bin the article for another year and just change the dates."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Morrow starts working on the column for Jay Heaps because of a gut feeling.

Dead Horse Beaten Online

Reports of a dead horse being beaten online surfaced after another argument was made between many individuals online as to the reason why people don't support a local soccer team over a foreign soccer team.

PRITHEE, WHY DOTH THOU ROOT FOR YON ARSENAL?!

"CONSARN IT! I SAW THAT HORSE GET BEAT!" stated Dale Abernathy of Little Rock, Arkansas. "It was that there online personalities and commentators that done it!  I just had to turn off my twitter account."

The semi monthly convergence of holier than thou opinions about the growth and consumption of the game in the United States and Canada resurfaced after bored people on twitter decided that the 486th iteration of the "WHICH TEAM DO YOU SUPPORT AND WHY ISN'T THE TEAM THAT I WANT YOU TO SUPPORT" argument was presented online to an audience that could be called comatose and brain dead after being shoveled a pile of dung called "a presidential election" for the past eight months.

"I have no feeling left in my body," stated Thomas Westing of New York City. "Just tell me who I am supposed to watch so my twitter feed can return back to normal. I'm barely hanging on as it is, and I spent the last 20 minutes waffling over deleting my account."

The Nutmeg News will investigate as to whether this dead horse is any further dead from the beating it took today.

MLS To Explore Portland Thorns Fever

Portland, OR - Major League Soccer officials are reportedly taking a long hard look at the Portland Thorns during the recent announcement of new and upcoming league expansion.

Photo by Jeff Wong

MLS officials met last week in San Jose during the league’s All-Star Game to discuss possible expansion among other agenda items. Portland Thorns President and General Manager Gavin Wilkinson, along with Owner Merritt Paulson, traveled Wednesday to San Jose for the United Soccer League’s Thursday board of governors meeting and while there attended the MLS’ Homegrown Game, All-Star Game and other social events. The meetings and events provided the ideal opportunity for Portland Thorns officials to share what has been one of the more remarkable sports stories of the year.

Portland Thorns rookie campaign obliterated the expectations of many people in just about every way imaginable. Before the 2013 season, team officials had hoped to draw an average of 10,000 fans per home game. Now, after four seasons, the Portland Thorns are averaging about 16,772 per home game, Wilkinson said. The Thorns already broke the single-season attendance record in their current league. The team is currently in first place in the NWSL standings and recently won a rivalry game against the Seattle Reign while missing many of their stars due to Olympic duty. Wilkinson said the team is eyeing the playoffs with aspirations of bringing another championship to Portland in its fourth season.

The Nutmeg News spoke to insiders with Major League Soccer who stated that they are excited about adding another 19,000 fans to the league as well as the possible rivalry that would develop with the other Cascadian clubs in the league with the Timbers, Whitecaps and Sounders.

"We can neither confirm, nor deny that we are in the Thorns business," stated President of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this story as Major League Soccer picks a half empty stadium in Miami.

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This column shamelessly ripped off from here.

$200 Million Dollar MLS Expansion Fees Now Include Still Frame Warmer And World Traveler Bar

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer, today, announced that their increase to $200 million dollar expansion fees will now include a Still Frame warmer and World Traveler bars that evoke a smell of adventure and dark pomegranate.

"We also have a nutritional shake, detox mixture and aura cleansing by Herbalife, if you are so inclined. Make $100 million dollars from home, now! ASK US HOW!"

"It was important for us to not only arbitrarily set the price tag for franchises at $200 million dollars, but as well offer some kind of benefit for our new MLS Consultants," stated president of Major League Soccer, Mark Abbot. "With our August special package, you can get started with a new MLS franchise by receiving a Warmer of the Month as well as a scent of the month as well as a 600 page rule book on financial transactions and the benefits of a closed system and low wage salary cap for Major League Soccer."

According to inside sources, the acquisition of a new franchise for prospecting MLS Consultants has become quite a bit more exciting after Major League Soccer switched from offering Amway to offering scent bars. 

"It's become quite the scene!" stated one anonymous employee. "Why the other day, David Beckham said the only reason why he was purchasing a Miami franchise was to obtain a rare Lace Warmer for his house in Malibu."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer relentlessly spams the Facebook feed of all the companies thinking about bidding on a franchise about the August deals and workshops to become an MLS consultant.

Critic Of Alexi Lalas Reluctantly Favorites Tweet

Gainsville, FL - Bianca Arndt, a frequent critic and obstinate hater of Alexi Lalas, admitted that she recently and reluctantly favorited a tweet of the former player and current pundit when his views aligned with hers on a criticism of Major League Soccer.

"Fine, I clicked like. It doesn't mean I'm going to start listening to his podcast." - Bianca Arndt

"My god, I didn't want to do it. I just didn't. But I couldn't stop myself. I had to favorite the tweet. It was too good," stated Ms. Ardnt to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "I've been against his punditry and his talking head shtick forever, but he just made such a cogent point in 140 characters that I couldn't stop myself."

Reportedly, Ms. Ardnt's hate of Lalas stems back to watching Lalas play in the denim kit during the 1994 World Cup, when she was 12. 

"It ruined me on red heads and it ruined me on denim. I just can't. Even these days, I won't wear jeans."

When The Nutmeg News spoke to family of Ms. Ardnt, their disappointment could not be contained.

"I raised a better daughter than THIS," stated Leonard Ardnt of Modesto Beach. "You don't superficially agree with someone that you disagree with on a regular basis to support your gains. What is this shit? COMPROMISE? GET OUT!"

Mr Ardnt then lit two flares and started screaming, "WHO ARE YA! WHO ARE YA! WHO ARE YA!" at is daughter til she retreated from the family living room.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Ardnt hovers over the favorite button on a tweet of Eric Wynalda.

Bruce Arena Interview Consists Entirely Of Cliches And Uninteresting Life Observances

Seattle, WA - A recent post-game interview with LA Galaxy manager Bruce Arena consisted of nothing but commonly used sports cliches and uninteresting life observances as the manager attempted to tamp down on his recent illuminating comments.

"You know, this game could use a goal."

"Yeah, you know... we really gave it 100% out there," stated a disinterested Arena to the hastily assembled press corps asking him about the recent 1-1 result. "I thought that both teams played hard and really gave it their all. You know, Football is a funny old game and we just have to take it one game at a time."

Arena peppered these mundane statements with liberal observances about the area including the statement, "It wasn't raining today, but it also wasn't too hot. It was nice."

Arena also had the following to say about the fans, "Well, what can you say about the fans, they are fantastic and so are our fans. Have you ever thought about how a butterfly can fly?"

When asked about the removal of Sigi Schmid, Arena stated, "Well, every game is a cup final now, and it's a game of two halves, and there are no easy games at this level, so all we can do as managers is just try to make each game a great advertisement for the game, give 110% and live life to its fullest."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this  as Arena is fined for his postgame comments.