NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced a 2024 Stadium Self Care sponsorship with Satan’s Inflamed Anus, in order to deflect from their recent partnership with Ticketmaster, the actual spawn of the devil.

“Satan’s Inflamed Anus should really pull the focus from our partnership with Ticketmaster and allow people who are sitting in our stadiums to take care of their body for the rigors of sitting for 90 minutes,” stated Mark Abbot, president of Major League Soccer.

Sources indicate that MLS executives are excited for fans to try out Satan’s Inflamed Anus in conjunction with Ticketmaster as they look forward to the 2024 season with glee.

“Much like Ticketmaster, Satan’s Inflamed Anus has a 432% markup,” stated one insider. “And we feel that our fans will feel the relaxing heat of Satan’s Inflamed Anus when they sit down in the stadium with a $17 beer and a $24 plate of nachos to enjoy a $230 sideline ticket to watch $43 referees avoid calling a penalty against their $2 team.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Ticketmaster resale sight promises direct fan to fan taxes and fees.