Reports are coming in from quarantined households around the United States that power mad dictator Thomas Nook again rebuffed a universal stay at home order for his governance.
“Nook is a menace,” stated one denizen who refused to give her name. “My life is now forever consumed with the inexhaustible missions he proposes. There are nothing but hours upon hours to service his debt. The gig economy is broken and I cannot any longer support his version of supply side economics. I cannot afford basic PPE. I’m perpetually working towards a house expansion with little set over for myself in a perpetual hellscape where human life is secondary to economic concerns, but I do have to say that his tone has been markedly better as of late.”
“Production or supply is the key to economic prosperity,” stated the head of the Rescue Service, a Mr. Resetti. “We simply cannot afford to shut down production at this time. Tom Nook isn’t the problem, the LIBERAL MEDIA is the problem. Would you stop the fishing industry just because 10,000 people died over a month? Those people sacrificed themselves so we could have a bumper Coelacanth season.“
Our reporters spoke to Nook and asked him whether he was worried about a pandemic, but he claimed that it was just wildly overblown.
“No. Not at all. And we have it totally under control. It’s one person coming in from XBOX, and we have it under control. It’s going to be just fine. We have very little problem in this country at this moment — five. And those people are all recuperating successfully. we have a tremendous relationship with XBOX, which is a very positive thing. I think the numbers are going to get progressively better as we go along. The situation is very much under control. We had 12, at one point. And now they’ve gotten very much better. Many of them are fully recovered. Look, we’re going down, not up. We’re going very substantially down, not up. It’s going to disappear. One day— it’s like a miracle — it will disappear. It’s very mild. I’m not concerned at all. It will go away. Just stay calm. It will go away. Anybody that wants a test can get a test.”
Nook reportedly built his fortune from the financial crisis of 2007-2008 as he took on excessive risk by servicing problematic mortgage debt.
Analysts indicate that reckless lending by Nook caused Joan to lose market share and that the accumulation and subsequent high default rate of these subprime debts led to formation of the world economy according to Nook where he functions as both the bank and the bailout.
“I’ve written heavily on the Corporate Debt Bubble we are currently going through,” stated financial analyst Celeste “I’ve noted that leveraged loans made to people with poor credit histories and large amounts of existing debt were the fastest growing asset class in 2018 alone. We are looking at neo-feudalism perpetuated by Nook.”
Supporters of Nook claim that the danger is wildly overblown as they call the COVID-19 pandemic a, “liberal hoax perpetrated upon the world by the Able Sisters and the democrats to defame Nook in order to bring about a pedophile ring running out of the basement of The Roost.”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Nook warns against increasing unemployment insurance benefits due to the possibility of, “lazy freeloaders quitting their jobs and being unable to pay my mortgages.”