Unsatisfied Don Garber Watches Replay Of Weeping Oakland Athletics Fans While Ranting, "This Could've Been Columbus"

NEW YORK - An unsatisfied Major League Soccer (MLS) Commissioner Don Garber watched the replay of weeping Oakland Athletics fans as he claimed, “this could’ve been Columbus,” as he verbally decimated the owner operators in Major League Soccer for denying him this pleasure.

“We were just a few months away from this,” stated Garber to the collected billionaires. “You could taste the depression, sadness and apathy in the air.”

Sources say that Garber ranted and raved as he slowly realized his inability to sample the abject sadness that comes from having a club ripped away from your city by an indifferent billionaire.

“The possibility was there,” stated Garber. “I would sup at their misery with a straw. It could’ve happened. And now every trophy that they win I have to stand there as they boo me when all I wanted to do was increase the profit margin of the league by decimating local soccer in one very small geographical area.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber eyes San Jose with malicious intent.

"Pochettino OUT," Demands USMNT Fan

Cincinnati, OH - Claiming, “He needs to be responsible for this debacle,” USMNT fan Joe Henderson took to Twitter, Threads, Facebook, Instagram, Tik Tok, Blue Sky, Mastodon and Discord to proclaim POCHETTINO OUT.

“Here we go again!”

Despite the Mauricio Pochettino not actually having been the head coach for a single game, yet, Henderson stated that he should accept blame for the recent loss to Canada and tie to New Zealand.

“This is just an example of why the United States must pick up a more experienced international head coach,” stated Henderson online. “Only the best coach in the world can get the best out of our players who are not playing up to their full potential. It’s not the players fault, it’s the head coach and the federation.”

Sources say that Henderson blamed Pochettino for not connecting to the local underserved youth players and having favorites.

“I don’t care if he hasn’t been a head coach yet,” stated Henderson. “It’s clear that he already has a cabal of players who know that they don’t have to play hard to make this team. It’s just like when he was a head coach at Spurs.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this even though it already is happening.

Leagues Cup Madness Shows No Sign Of Ending As Tournament Enters 463rd Week

THE WORLD - Sources from across the world admit that Leagues Cup madness shows no sign of ending as the tournament enters its 463rd week of competition.

LEAGUES CUP MADNESS!

“I can’t even remember what place my team is currently in,” stated one soccer fan. “It’s been a long journey but I think eventually Frodo is going to throw the ring in Mt Doom or some shit.”

Politicians across the spectrum admit that they didn’t anticipate the wholesale societal distress, riots and celebrations that would take place due to Leagues Cup games.

“If we knew what we were going to experience with the repercussions of the New England Revolution vs NYCFC game, we would’ve deployed the army,” stated Carolina Cosse, the Intendant of Montevideo, Uruguay.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS announces they will complete the 2024 season in 2026.

Mauricio Pochettino Officially Submits List Of Players He Wants The USMNT To Sign

CHICAGO - Sources with the US Soccer Federation state that new United States Men’s Team (USMNT) coaching hire Mauricio Pochettino officially submitted his list of players he wants the federation to sign in order to compete at the world level.

“He wants a team fans can 'fall in love with,” stated one person who was at the location.

Sources indicate that Pochettino wants to create a pressing, dynamic team full of character with players who have to fight to get into the lineup.

“He is going to demand a lot and needs players who can hold up to those demands,” stated one insider.

With the World Cup coming up fast, Pochettino asked the USSF to compete in the next transfer window to sign more players to the squad.

“It’s a bit threadbare right now, if I’m honest,” stated one insider with Pochettino’s staff. “However, we believe that we can get this squad heading in the right direction with a bit of investment at the forward, midfield, defense and goalkeeper positions.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as USMNT fans plan for Pochettino’s World Cup victory parade.

Media And Fans To Blame For US Loss

UNITED STATES - Soccer fans across the United States climbed online from the sewers of their parents basement to loudly acclaim that the recent loss of the United States to Panama in the Copa America was the result of the media and fans.

“THIS IS ON ALL THE NORMY FANS WHO DON’T SPEND EVERY WAKING MOMENT SHITPOSTING ON TWITTER ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY HATE THE COACH OF OUR TEAM,” stated one Twitter account.

“I HATE THE FANS MORE THAN ANYONE,” stated one Twitter account. “THEY ARE DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS TIM WEAH RED CARD AND LETTING IN TWO GOALS.”

Intelligent members of the USMNT Twitter community blamed the media, as well, as they indicated that if the media had ….. done things…. Berhalter wouldn’t have been hired which would stopped Tim Weah from getting a red card.

“It’s the media’s fault! They are directly responsible for not forcing the US Soccer Federation to hire someone new, as we all know that the media was responsible for hiring Berhalter in the first place.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as these people continue to shitpost relentlessly online.

John Fisher Appoints Mark Kotsay As New Earthquakes Manager In Order To Oversee Move To Las Vegas

San Jose, CA - San Jose Earthquakes owner John Fisher stated that he was removing Luchi Gonzalez as head coach of the Earthquakes and appointing current Oakland Athletics manager Mark Kotsay to guide the Athletics and the Earthquakes to last place finishes as they prepare for their move to Las Vegas.

“Mark has the experience and vision to see us to dead last,” stated Fisher. “And he’s proven that he can work with inept and functionally stupid ownership and poor general managers to get the worst out of his teams.”

Sources say that Fisher brought Kotsay into the team in order to help with the transition for the Earthquakes to eventually play in Las Vegas via Sacramento as he tries to put out the worst possible team that anyone could watch.

“I need a new stadium,” stated Fisher when asked about the Earthquakes season. “I need the taxpayers to provide a new stadium, preferably on the strip adjacent to the Durango, they have good shrimp scampi. It’s all ball sports. Anyone can coach ball sports. Hit ball, shoot ball, it’s all the same.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Fisher trades players between the two teams in order to see how they would cope with a new sport.

Weston McKennie Admits That He Always Checks With Anonymous Online Dickheads Before Making Transfer Decisions

Arlington, TX - United States midfielder Weston McKennie admitted that he always checks in with anonymous online dickheads on Twitter and Facebook before making transfer decisions as the Juventus midfielder reportedly soured on FC Cincinnati.

“I was originally just interested in any team that would be interested in me,” stated McKennie, “However I checked in on my Twitter sources that I don’t know personally who constantly plan my career and @USMNTManager stated to his 54 followers that it would be the end of my career if I went to Major League Soccer and now I just don’t know.”

Sources say that McKennie’s interest in the situation was exploratory and respectful for any team that was asking about his services until he reviewed the random USMNT assholes who constantly post unending criticisms of the federation, team and coach to everyone forced to read their thoughts through their blue check account and advertising budget.

“I don’t know if Weston was actually going to go to FC Cincinnati,” stated one anonymous friend. “However, it became very clear that he was only going to be comfortable signing with the teams listed by @USMNTFreedomEagle23451343 as being a move forward in his career.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as McKennie creates an alt account to ask whether it would be ok if McKennie went to Brentford next year or if that would be a disappointment to them.

USMNT Fan Uses Euros To Prepare For World Cup Effort Of Overrating A Team And Ranting Online When They Don't Perform

Omaha, Nebraska - USMNT super fan Josh Williams stated that he was using the ongoing Euros in order to prepare for his World Cup effort of overrating a team and then ranting about them online when they don’t perform well.

“With the lack of World Cup Qualification, I’ll need to get in shape ahead of time,” stated Williamson to The Nutmeg News. “I’m using England, right now, as a proxy for the United States so I’ve built them up in my mind to be a much better team than they actually are so that I can be incredibly disappointed about them when they lose.”

Sources say that Williams started the day on Facebook, Discord, LinkedIN, Instagram, Threads, Bluesky, Reddit and Twitter by hashtagging SOUTHGATEOUT and BERHALTEROUT.

“This is really the fault of the coaching staff and FA,” stated Williams as he prepares for the upcoming World Cup. “The players are better than they’ve ever been and less prepared.”

Friends state that Williams persona of being a know it all pedantic chronically online asshole is his one available quality as he ranted online about the selection process for the team.

“He’s really just getting warmed up now,” stated good friend Aiden Robertson. “I expect him to send me a whatsapp thread of his twitter feed and responses to his threads thread on the nuances of using wingback play at tournaments any day now.”

For his part, Williams stated that he, “doesn’t pretend to know all the answers,” however he followed this up with a thread online as he stated, “the FA and the USSF are really the problem for enabling terrible managers who don’t even know how to run a rondo during training.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams claims, “the US would be Denmark handily if they would just hire Klopp.”

Youth Soccer Player Plans Short Professional Career Before Transitioning Into A Mediocre And Unfireable General Manager For An MLS Team

TAMPA - Youth soccer player Jarrod Dawes stated that he was planning on having a short professional career before transitioning into a mediocre and unfireable General Manager for a Major League Soccer team.

It’s mostly the coaches fault, or the players fault, or even the owners fault. Never the fault of the General Manager.

“I’m going to ensure that I have just enough professional experience so that I can move into the front office without too much judgement, continue to collect a paycheck, and hide behind the poor efforts of my team,” stated Dawes to The Nutmeg News. “People will say that I have a,’unique insight to the league,’ while I make chicken shit out of chicken soup with unbalanced roster constructions that I can blame on the weird MLS league rules. If I play this just right the fans will talk about how it’s not my fault the team always underperforms even though ultimately I’m still the person putting together the team that gets our coach fired every 2 to 3 years.”

Sources say that Dawes began understanding the unending ability of an MLS General Manager and Technical Director to endure even the worst online criticism as he looked around the league at the number of players leaving teams, coaches fired and the same general managers staying and rotating around the teams as they continue to do a terrible job managing the rosters.

“It’s job security,” stated Dawes. “No one REALLY knows what my impact is necessarily and I can always blame bad luck, poor coaching, not having results that show our true quality, or a league conspiracy against us. Plus nearly every team makes the playoffs which is the bare minimum for claiming that we are building to something special every other year.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dawes circles Atlanta United as his first club to attempt getting a Technical Director job in 15 years when Carlos Bocanegra finally leaves.

D.C. United File Discovery Rights Claim On Philadelphia Union Raccoon

WASHINGTON - D.C. United, this morning, filed a discovery rights claim on the Philadelphia Union Raccoon as United claim that the Raccoon belonged to their academy and was therefore a D.C. United youth player.

“This is clearly our domain and we feel that some significant financial compensation must be in place to redress our loss in playing time,” stated on D.C. United spokesman.

Sources say that this is just the tip of the iceberg for the fight for the burgeoning Union youth player as the Philadelphia Union are ready to counter that just because he may have a United descendant that Raccinho was, in fact, a Union academy member for the past 4 years.

“The Raccoon is from Philadelphia and debuted in Chester, he will stay in Philadelphia,” stated one Union official.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Major League Soccer indicates that Inter Miami will have the first right to sign the new international start.

Soccer Fan Shocked As Chatroom For Illegal Online Premier League Stream Doesn't Have Any Racism

INTERNET - Soccer fan Jarrod Williams stated that he was completely shocked as the chatroom he logged into for an illegal online Premier League stream from the past weekend didn’t have any racism, sexism or blatant homophobia.

“I thought that it wasn’t working for a second,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “But then someone asked a question about the Brighton score and someone else responded without using a racial slur. It was completely baffling.”

Sources say that Williams claims to have logged into the only chat room that wasn’t a heaving pile of racist shit, this weekend, as researchers with the Guilloite Advanced Research Group (GARP) indicated his luck.

“We survey hundreds of chat rooms,” stated one baffled researcher. “In all of them it was what appears to be 13 year old kids typing racist words to 24 year old men responding with racist and homophobic slurs. The fact that Williams claims he found one is questionable at best.”

Sources with GARP say that Williams is being brought in for a cerebral scan to indicate whether he has any brain issues that would make him think this was the case.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams claims that he was able to click on a stream without getting 46 popups, 26 porn advertisements and 13 download attempts to his computer as researchers find a severe brain tumor in his frontal lobe.

In An Effort To Catch Up To Liga MX, Major League Soccer Mandates That Mexican Teams Use MLS Roster Rules During Leagues Cup

NEW YORK - In an effort to catch up to Liga MX after an abysmal performance in the CONCACAF Champions Cup, Major League Soccer (MLS) mandated that Mexican teams in the Leagues Cup be forced to use MLS roster rules.

“Teams like Tigres, Cruz Azul, Monterrey and Club America will be required to adhere to roster rules that we use here in Major League Soccer,” stated MLS Commissioner Don Garber. “They will only be allowed 3 designated players, and will be required to ensure that they are salary cap compliant.”

Sources say that Monterrey and Club America are already complaining about the 2024 Salary Budget of $5,470,000 as they attempt to figure out how to reconfigure their salary structure to ensure compliance.

“It’s like they are trying to figure out a way to intentionally make it possible to field a decent team,” stated one anonymous Liga MX owner. “There’s no way to actually have a roster capable of playing well with U-22 initiative slots and GAM/TAM.”

MLS sources were adamant that this was the way forward, for the competition, as they stated, “The only way to catch up to Liga MX is to ensure they actually go in reverse. We need to make certain they can’t actually spend money on players. Then and only then can we compete with them day in and day out.”

The nutmeg news will have more on this as Monterrey still manages to beat Inter Miami.

Claiming to Have Gained “Second Sight”, Caleb Porter Guarantees Revolution Will Win Supporter’s Shield, MLS Cup, Leagues Cup, Champions’ Cup & Club World Cup

FOXBOROUGH, MASSACHUSETTS – Mired in a then-winless season, New England Revolution’s coach Caleb Porter made a bold prediction prior to last weekend’s match against Charlotte FC – promising not only that the Revolution would get a result, but would outright beat Charlotte. This guarantee was made despite the team’s then 0-4-1 record, league-worst -7 goal differential, and immediately following a 4-0 drubbing at home by Liga MX side Club América in the CONCACAF Champion’s Cup. Porter’s guarantee ultimately held up, as the Revolution were able to hold on to a 1-0 victory gained by a Carles Gil goal scored during an unusually-long first half injury time. 

THE LISAN al GAIB!

During press availability at the Revolution’s training facilities outside of Woonsocket, Rhode Island, Porter announced that he had been “gifted with second sight” and that “the entire path of the Revolution’s future journey was revealed to me in a vision,” after the Charlotte win. He continued by stating he saw “as clear as I saw the moon passing before the sun today, that the Revolution will have world-historic results from this point out.” Porter then stated that he had gained “metaphysical certainty” that the Revolution would win MLS’s 2024 Supporter’s Shield – given to the team with the best overall record – 2024 MLS Cup, 2024 League’s Cup – the in-season tournament between MLS & Liga MX teams – as well as the 2025 CONCACAF Champion’s Cup – the continental competition of North American club soccer – and even the 2026 Club World Cup – the world-wide club competition to which the 2025 CONCACAF Champion’s Cup winner is invited. 

Asked by a member of the press pool covering the Revolution whether it was realistic for a team with a current 1-4-1 record – and who have been in all likelihood already been eliminated from 2024 CONCACAF Champion’s Cup before playing their next game – to achieve such lofty goals, Porter forcefully argued that not only were such results achievable, but were “mandated by the movement of the spheres, and I can see with absolute clarity through the lens of my third eye.” Requests to Porter for further elaboration on this prediction were met by undecipherable gibberish intermingled with what appeared to be repetitively-incanted mantra. 

After the press availability, The Nutmeg News reached out to the Revolution’s press department to see if the club could provide any more clarity on Porter’s statements and predictions. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one press office official stated “backing up last week’s guarantee, together with something that happened during the [recent solar] eclipse, seems to have affected Porter in some profound way.”  

The official went on to say “it might have something to do with those knock-off eclipse glasses we bought off of Amazon; Caleb used those and seemed to spend an unusually long time looking at the eclipse. Shortly after that, his personality seems to have completely changed.” 

Revolution officials are said to be “monitoring closely” Porter’s current behavior, and have indicated if continued unrealistic predictions and unusual statements by Porter continue, it may “call for a rethink of our current coaching leadership to something more stable.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Revolution management – including owner Robert Kraft – make overtures about the possibility of bringing in the “steady hand” of former Revolution coach Bruce Arena. 

Earthquakes Fan Stares Directly At Eclipse So They Have An Excuse To Not Watch The Rest Of The Season

San Jose, CA - Earthquakes fan Salvador Hernandez stated that he was pretty certain his extreme treatment worked as he stared directly at the eclipse without glasses of any kind so that he would have the excuse to not watch the rest of the season.

“It’s nice to finally have an excuse to not be able to watch the team,” stated Hernandez to The Nutmeg News. “Before I was blinded by the Sun’s powerful rays I couldn’t stop myself from watching this shit show every week, but now I have an actual excuse. I NO LONGER CAN SEE!”

Doctors say that Hernandez sight will return with care and treatment, however, Hernandez stated, “Well, we will see about that,” as he ripped off his bandages and tried to stare back up again.

“Mr Hernandez hasn’t suffered any long term damage and we expect him to be in tip top shape to watch the Earthquakes in time for the Summer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as friends catch Hernandez raging at the radio broadcast instead.

"SCHMETZER OUT" Posts Furious Sounders Fan To Social Media As He Fumes Over Teams Inability To Score Six Goals

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan Brett Eastings reportedly posted “SCHMETZER OUT” to every single social media platform he had as he fumed and castigated the team for being unable to score six goals as they defeated the Montreal Impact, or Club De Foot Montreal, or Saputo’s Fighting Force Five, whatever it is these days, 5-0.

“This is just utter bullshit,” stated Eastings to Twitter and the comments section of Sounders At Heart. “This team should’ve hung six goals AT A BARE MINIMUM. They had a red card! It’s absolutely inexcusable.”

Sources say that Eastings has repeatedly called for the sacking of former Sounders player and current head coach Brian Schmetzer since the end of the 2022 season.

“He’s been pretty adamant that the game has passed Schmetzer by,” stated friend Jason Prentice. “I don’t really pay attention to it because I just had to mute him for mental health sake on Reddit and Twitter and Facebook.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Eastings threatens to bring a two-pole to the next home game if he can find a ticket and the time off from work and if he can find parking downtown and if he doesn’t have to go to Ikea for some reason or possibly out to Bremerton.

Gen-Z Savings Account Is Now Just A Closet Full Of Vintage Soccer Kits

LOS ANGELES - Gen-Z soccer fan David Hughes announced that his savings account is now just a closet full of soccer kits as he explained that he would fund his retirement with vintage and rare Forward Madison kits.

“I’ve got some real bangers in there,” stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News. “I’ve been searching vintage sites, and second hand stores and online shops for a while to build out what I think will be a good retirement path in the future.”

With his 401k devastated by market movement, a super charged housing market, most of his extra money going towards exorbitant rent, and unending student loan repayment, Hughes stated that he realized his only option was trying to hitch his financial future towards some kind of rarity market.

“A lot of my friends invested in Yu Gi Oh cards and rare Pokeman. I had some friends that really got into investing in POG futures. One friend got into creating Warhammer figurines and selling them online. Another tried to get into the sneaker game but the loan he took out to finance his initial purchases made all his future sales not as profitable. I figured that my way forward was to purchase vintage and lower league soccer kits for the time when everyone gets nostalgic over them in 20 or 30 years.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hughes attempts and fails to fund a first and last payment on an apartment closer to his job by selling a game worn Totti kit on ebay.

Miami United Players Blame Translator Ippei Mizuhara For Bets On Team

MIAMI - Accusing translator Ippei Mizhuara of, “massive theft'“, allegedly tied to gambling, Miami United players stated that the Japanese/English translator Mizuhara was to blame for the US Open Cup bets on the team.

“No, he is not an official employee of Miami United,” stated one anonymous player. “However, we feel that right now is the time to blame Mizuhara for all of this.”

Gaming officials indicate that, allegedly, some Miami United players were caught betting on their own US Open Cup game. However, those in the know decry this as a misunderstanding of the situation.

“They were told by Mizuhara that he placed 4 million dollars in an ATM for them at the Hard Rock casino,” stated one source. “Mizuhara didn’t say where he got the money from but in order to access it they had to go, ‘place a bet.’ It was really a code word to access the money.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pete Rose releases a video calling the Miami United players trailblazers on a new frontier.


Soccer Supporter Settles Into Familiar Springtime Routine Of Arguing With Complete Strangers Online

Seattle, WA - Sounders supporter Andrew Adams stated that it felt really nice as he settled into his familiar springtime routine of arguing with complete strangers online about the results and team.

“It’s a comforting feeling,” stated Adams to The Nutmeg News. “It’s like daffodils blooming or opening up the windows to clean the house. I went from talking mostly about extended universe Star Wars plots to spending last night on Twitter calling this guy who just started following me a complete fucking idiot. I don’t know who he is or where he lives, but I hope he had a bad night. You know, that alone makes me think about the changing of the seasons and the movement of time. Ah spring, the time of renewal.”

Sources say that Adams took to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Discord to rant about the team as he saved Reddit for the morning.

“I like to be confrontational for breakfast,” stated Adams. “It’s something I’ve built into my seasonal renaissance. With the loss, it makes it nice and easy to really get into it with some of the dumbasses I see online.”

Sources say that Adams seemed especially chipper as he Tweeted, “Time for some spring cleaning,” as he blocked several ECS members that he never met in real life.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Adams transitions into, “giving up,” for the summer before proclaiming, “we’re back,” for the fall.

Successful Nashville Cup Run Ends In 1-3 Loss As Team Meets League Goal Of Creating 10,000 New Tennessee Based Inter Miami Fans

Miami, Fl - Nashville SC’s cup run ended in success with a 1-3 loss to Inter Miami as the team announced they met their league goal of creating 10,000 new Tennessee based Inter Miami fans.

“Tonight was a roaring success,” stated Nashville General Manager Mike Jacobs to the downcast locker room. “We achieved our business metric mandated by the league of creating at least 10,000 new Tennessee based Inter Miami fans.”

Sources say that most of the Nashville soccer team took heart in the new “fans created” metric, however some anonymous players wondered if the team could’ve served as the focal point to their own fans.

“It’d be nice if the people of Tennessee were rooting for us,” stated one anonymous player. “It’s really weird to have our own team bending over backwards for people to cheer for Miami.”

For their part, Nashville SC stated that they were able to recoup some of their recent losses by the overcharging of the Messi tourist crowd and Inter Miami gear sold by the league.

“Messi kits are our biggest seller!” stated Jacobs. “And by us I mean the league. I’m sure Nashville has some kit sells as well, but what about that Messi!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Nashville petitions the league to have Inter Miami play some home games in Nashville as well.

After Successfully Running Two MLS Franchises Into The Ground, Nelson "Hatchet Man" Rodriguez Finds His Zen Destroying US Open Cup

NEW YORK - After successfully running both Chivas USA and the Chicago Fire into the ground so badly that fans openly protested his hiring, Chivas USA ceased to exist and the Fire shed both fans, sponsors and players, Nelson “Hatchet Man” Rodriguez admitted he is finally finding his zen by attempting to destroy the US Open Cup for Major League Soccer (MLS).

“It’s the culmination of all my skills and techniques I’ve used over the years,” stated Rodriguez to The Nutmeg News. “Being the Executive Vice President of Sporting Competition means that I have the mandate to figure out new and exciting ways to screw things up for the league. It’s taken all my skills from the Metrostars (RIP) to Chivas USA (RIP) to the Fire (RIP) in order for me to finally get to a point where I can fully piss off all the fans in the United States and destroy the US Open Cup for Don Garber.”

Sources say that Rodriguez has had a new “pep in his step” as he starts the day with a feeling that he is on the right path.

“If I do my job right, the only thing left over will be cup competitions with sponsors that give money to the league that involve teams from our league. We will create NEW traditions. We will own the financial compensation for all of these new traditions. And the fans can suck it. Especially the ones from Chicago. Also, if I get a half chance I’m going to ban Sector Latino again. Just because.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Rodriguez fails upward again.