MLS Executives Reach Out To Michelle Branch Regarding Whether She's Available To Date A Defender Playing For LAFC

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer executives flush with the Switft/Kelce excitement have reportedly reached out to singer/songwriter Michelle Branch regarding her possibility and interest in dating a defender for Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC)

“It’s an exciting time to start dating a soccer player,” stated the pitch to Branch and her team. “Soccer is a growing sport in the United States and what better way to show that you are with the supporters (not fans) of today than by showing up to a few matches (not games) in a luxury box with a personalized kit (not jersey) to root on a hunky soccer (not football) player.”

Sources say that the league is hoping to catch a bit of the Switft madness as they unite behind a potential moneymaking and controversy generating relationship.

“Soccer is the sport of tomorrow and we feel confident that Michelle Branch can be the singer of tomorrow as well! What can we do to get you into a relationship with a soccer player today…. for tomorrow!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS also reaches out to Vanessa Carlton to see how her relationships are going.

Super Bowl Stream Still Paused As American Soccer Fan Begins 9th Hour Of Explaining MLS Roster Rules

NEW YORK - Attendees of Glen Randolphs Super Bowl party confirm that they still don’t know the result of the championship game for the National Football League (NFL) as Mr. Randolphs paused the stream 9 hours ago to begin a, “simple explanation,” of the Major League Soccer (MLS) roster rules and is still continuing his explanation.

“This was supposed to be fun,” stated one anonymous party attendee. “But Glen won’t shut the hell up. Although I must say that his 2 hour vivisection of the Inter Miami roster rule situation that lead to fines and sanctions was quite fascinating.”

Sources say that the party goers would’ve left hours ago, but Mr. Randolphs continues to supply pizza, beer and wings as he explains, in depth, the roster acquisition rules during the late 2000s for returning US International players who previously played in the league.

“And we now make it back to, once again, Landon Donovan,” stated a beleaguered Randolphs. “We will take a 5 minute break and begin our conference on Targeted Allocation Money after you all get some coffee.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Randolphs complains about why more people don’t seem to enjoy watching soccer with him.

FC Dallas Announce Enduring Freedom Operation In Northern Oil Fields Of Afghanistan

Dallas, TX - FC Dallas, today, announced a new operation to expand Freedom to the northern oil fields of Afghanistan with their new militarized player special forces.

FC Dallas special operatives training for the invasion

Calling the event “The Enduring Freedom Operation” the FC Dallas teams will parachute behind Taliban defense lines to free oil wells for use by FC Dallas and Shell, a new sponsor of FC Dallas.

“We believe that our commando trained special operative players can infiltrate into the countryside and liberate productive oil wells for the good of the country,” stated FC Dallas Colonel Ralph Williams. “It is an important culmination of the training these men have put in over the last few months. What with the live fire exercises and playing Ride Of the Valkyries at them as they army crawl under faux barbed wired, these boys are ready.”

For their part, the players of FC Dallas stated, “we got this,” as they prepared to fly into Sar-e-Pul in order to free the Qashqari Oilfield. “We just need to pressure the defenders and get after them early. Let’s get up a goal and free those oilfields boys!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Dallas spends the next 20 years trying to bring freedom to the specific wells they liberate.

ISC Conference Kicks Off With Breakout On "Funding Your Supporters Group By Flipping Inter Miami Tickets"

MONTREAL - The Independent Supporters Council Conference 2024 kicked off with a breakout on “Funding Your Supporters Group By Flipping Inter Miami Tickets” to a sold out hall.

“Here we see the differences just a few select ticket flippers can make to your bottom line,” stated one anonymous SG member as they detailed out their gross sales.

ISC Members spent 60 minutes detailing the financial benefits to reselling tickets and funding T.I.F.O, community initiatives, and merchandise with the proceeds.

“This was an informative discussion on the financial benefits and windfall of using the Lionel Messi hysteria for our own benefit,” stated one anonymous ISC attendee. “I can really see how we can use the fact that lunatics will pay 30x over face value to further the purchase of a new drum.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as ISC members report back on the breakout on excessive drinking held at the Milky Way bar.

Angry Merritt Paulson Calls SKC Front Office To Demand That They Try To Turn Fans Against Each Other Before Firing Wilkinson

Portland, OR - An angry Merritt Paulson called the Sporting Kansas City front office after they fired Gavin Wilkinson, this morning, as he demanded that they try to turn fans against each other before firing Wilkinson.

“You haven’t even suffered a scandal yet,” stated Paulson to the SKC Front Office. “This is really just a previous scandal. You have to go through your own scandal in order to even consider firing him and then you double down and blame the fans.”

Sources say that Paulson laid out a blueprint to keeping Wilkinson in his position as he stated, “First you claim his family was accosted at a grocery store. Don’t be specific about the situation but put enough into it to make more moderate fans not want to be involved. Then you really try to foster dissent by blaming long term fans and calling them whiny and stupid and entitled. That’ll make the fans that just started following the team turn on the long term fans because they don’t understand the situation. Then maybe you have a few alternate accounts on Reddit or Twitter that will stir up some debate about whether fans are, ‘making too big a deal,’ and, ‘I just want to watch soccer,’ and then let it all simmer for 10 or 11 years.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as other MLS teams debate using this strategy to hire Wilkinson in the future.

Soccer Fan Plans To Give Team Another Week Of Preseason Training Before Giving Up On The Regular Season

Internet - Soccer fan Pete Anderson stated that he plans to give his team another week of preseason training before giving up on the regular season completely.

“Things aren’t looking good,” stated Anderson to The Nutmeg News. “I know that we haven’t played a single game yet and that the players have only started to report to strength and conditioning….. but I think you can see that we are likely screwed.”

Anderson cited the lack of transfers made by his team, the poor investments over the past few years and, most importantly, a general feeling that everyone is going to suck.

“I don’t know what it is, but I think we are in contention for the wooden spoon this year,” stated Anderson. “There’s just no hope with this team. I know we haven’t played a game yet, but I think it’s obvious that we don’t have a midfield, a defense or a reliable offense. The only place where we are any good is at keeper and even there its probably because our defense was so bad the previous year that our keeper amassed some amazing statistics despite letting in so many goals.”

For his part, Anderson stated that he is trying to be optimistic about being pessimistic as he stated, “Well, who knows maybe this year is the year I’ll spend some more time fixing up the house instead of attending games.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson spends more time yelling on the internet.

Gavin Wilkinson To Send Ex-Law Enforcement "SKC Security Patrol" To The Houses Of Angry Fans In Order To, "Work Things Out"

Kansas City, KS - Stating, “It worked for Andy Polo and the Timbers,” Gavin Wilkinson reportedly hired and directed a new “SKC Security Patrol” collection of ex-law enforcement goons to go to the houses of angry Sporting Kansas City fans in order to, in his words, “work things out.”

“You aren’t gonna drop those tickets now…. are you, Bobby?”

Wilkinson was reportedly aghast that news of the terrible things he did with the Thorns and the Timbers reached the ears of other fans as he stated, “this is why you have fixers,” before he dialed for a private visit to some especially loud fans.

“Look, the only problem with the Polo situation and the Riley situation and the Shim situation was that some people talked,” stated Wilkinson, allegedly, to people within the SKC organization. “I just want these angry fans to listen to my cadre of police officers that are employed by the club who can have a sit down conversation at their house to explain why they are wrong.”

Sources say that some within the SKC organization are concerned that this is a terrible direction for the team to head, however Peter Vermes expressed his full throated admiration of the tactic.

“I think our fans have gotten too soft,” stated Vermes to his 36 foot tall sock monkey he calls General Patton. “What’s a little coverup of a sexual predator and domestic violence between friends. I remember when sports weren’t political. Like when Jesse Owens beat the Nazis. The good old days.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wilkinson curates a new collection of fans to help the Cauldron navigate these tough times.

Fans Of Teams In Major League Soccer Launch Drive To Raise Awareness Of Their Passionate Dislike Of The League

INTERNET - Select fans of teams in Major League Soccer (MLS) reportedly banded together to launch a drive to raise awareness of their passionate dislike of the league.

“We are not a monolith,” stated one anonymous supporter. “I’ve disliked MLS since my team went into this shit league and as a person who has roughly $326 dollars in the bank there is nothing I could do to stop them. I just want everyone to know that just because my team is in this shithole league that I’m not some kind of walking mouthpiece.”

One supporter was vehement in his opposition to MLS and their business practices as he stated, “I spent years watching my team before they went to MLS and I’m not going to let them kill my love of this team. But if you think that I automatically support this league and all of their dumbass rules and machinations, well… I can guarantee you that is not true.”

Sources say that the group of fans are organizing and collaborating on literature for new fans to come to terms with their team or adopted team being in MLS. One such effort is a pamphlet on grief and acceptance entitled, “so your team decided to join Major League Soccer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people online call them sheep.

40% Off Coupon Of Specific Merchandise (Online Only) Really Soothes Burn Of Completely Losing Team

McAllen, TX - Fans of the Rio Grande Valley FC Toros state that the 40% off coupon of specific merchandise (online only) published just 4 days ago really soothes the burn of completely losing their local soccer team as they reacted online to the dissolution of the Toros today.

“Boy, I was going to be upset that I just spent money on some merchandise 4 days ago only to find out there wont be any future seasons, but those discounts are DEEP,” stated one anonymous fan.

“Hey, it’s crushing not to be able to take my children to a game in the future, but WOW this ownership group is really helping us out this holiday season to be able to give the gift of the crushing realization that there’s no local team anymore,” stated another Toros fan.

“My nine year old son started weeping when I told him the news, but I let him know that we could use the 40% off coupon to purchase specific merchandise to remind him forever of the thing he loved that is now dead,” stated another Toros fan.

For their part, the RGV ownership group did not return our calls, instead redirecting them to the social media manager.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as this happens in other locations.

MLS Apologizes For US Open Cup SNAFU By Raising Beer Prices

CHICAGO - Major League Soccer, today, said that they were apologizing for the SNAFU with the US Open Cup by raising beer prices at all venues.

“We realize that this announcement caught many of our dedicated fans by surprise,” stated one league spokesman. “So in light of this we are raising beer prices by $1.50 at every stadium, regardless of location, beer or pre-existing negotiated deal.”

Sources say that the league sees this as, ultimately, a benefit for the fan as they believe that this will add value to the league.

“If you look at beer prices in the NFL, we are lagging FAR behind,” stated one MLS owner/operator. “Raising our beer prices by $1.50 is just another way of closing the gap with the most popular league in the United States.”

Fans were reportedly shocked by the news as many were already finding it difficult to justify purchasing their favorite beverage in the stands.

“Wait, this doesn’t make sense at all,” stated one fan. “I’m just going to start sneaking in liquor.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS debates adding a three point line.

Worst Guy You Know Drops Everything To Spend Weekend Defending MLS On Reddit

INTERNET - Alex Gustoffson, a self-proclaimed contrarian and free-thinker, apparently dropped everything he was doing including recording his men’s rights podcast in order to spend the weekend defending Major League Soccer (MLS) on Reddit as he stated, “Someone must STAND UP for these corporations.”

Posting in a thread about the abandonment of the US Open Cup by MLS, Gustoffson went after anyone who was upset by the decisions of Major League Soccer as he stated, “Of course Reddit is the kind of hivemind that can’t see how much better this is for the league. No one watches the US Open Cup. It sucks, now bring on the downvotes.”

Sources say that Gustoffson spent the last year popping into any post that is even semi critical of the league in order to back commissioner Don Garber and the ownership groups of Major League Soccer regardless of the reason as he stated, “We can’t let these corporations feel like we don’t have their back.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gustoffson opens up a second browser tab and logs into his Twitter Blue account in order to make certain to reach the “leftist hive-mind on X.”

Major League Soccer Announces Formation Of US Closed Cup Tournament

CHICAGO - In light of Major League Soccer abandoning the oldest soccer tournament open to any men’s team at any organized level of competition in the United States, league officials today announced the 2024 US Closed Cup, an invitation only tournament sponsored by Doritos 4 Loko.

“The US Closed Cup reflects exactly the kind of exclusionary mindset we need to cultivate on this grind,” stated Don Garber, commissioner of Major League Soccer. “What we need less of is the history of the Fall River Marksmen and more of the future history of friendly tournaments between Miami and Al Hilal.”

Sources say that insiders were aghast at the cold shoulder given by Major Leauge Soccer to the 109 year old institution however they were quickly assured that, “This is really making all the millionaires and billionaires extremely happy.”

For their part, the owner investors of the league stated, “We could really give a rats ass what the fans want. What we need is more money. RAISE THE BEER PRICES.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the future will record the stupidity of Don Garber during his life and he really won’t care.

Bruce Arena Ready To Put Whatever It Is That He Actually Did Behind Him

INTERNET - Former New England Revolution head coach Bruce Arena asked for patience and acceptance by whoever needs to give it as he claimed that he was ready to put whatever he did to whoever he did it to for whatever reason he did that won’t be explained behind him.

“I’m ready to move on from this situation that isn’t going to be explained to anyone,” stated Arena through Don Garber. “It’s been a long for me after my six week suspension for .. um…. you know…. SOMETHING lead to my resignation over whatever … you know…. WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE. However, It’s great to be back.”

With Arena cleared by the commissioner after being contrite for something to someone or something or possibly a group of people or possibly one person or possibly really anything, he was ready to throw his hat back into the coaching ring as soon as possible.

“I promise that what I did or didn’t do or whatever it is that you THINK I did I won’t do again or rather it wasn’t that big of a deal and the whole thing is really nothing,” stated Arena through Garber.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we attempt to find out that he did what he did or didn’t do or didn’t admit to but did do to someone who may or may not have not or did come forward for something they also did or didn’t do or didn’t say that they did which lead to something or nothing or everything all at once.

Disappointed Luis Suarez Admits Allure Of Going To MLS Is Gone With No Chance To Taste Giorgio Chiellini Again

PORTO ALEGRE - A disappointed Luis Suarez admitted that most of the allure of going to Major League Soccer (MLS) is now gone with no chance for him to be able to taste the sweet and supple flesh of Giorgio Chiellini again after the player retired, today.

Image: ESPN

“I’ve tasted a few humans and Chiellini had the best flavor,” stated Suarez to The Nutmeg News. “I couldn’t get the subtle flavors out of my mind and now I’ve lost that opportunity to sample him again.”

Nine years after Suarez sampled Chiellini at the World Cup Buffet, he admitted that he hadn’t lost the desire to sample that most forbidden of meats again.

“It always stuck with me, over the years,” stated Suarez. “9 years later and I can remember the taste like it was yesterday. Ivanovic was more of a bold flavor and Bakkal needed some salt. Chiellini was just right and now I’ve lost that opportunity. I’m just, personally, very deflated at the moment.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as David Beckham offers to have Chiellini flown into Ft Lauderdale for a taste test prior to the start of the season.

Inter Miami Add Two Dates In Saudi Arabia For Inaugural Jamal Khashoggi Pre Season Tournament

Ft Lauderdale, FL - Major League Soccer (MLS) team Inter Miami added two dates in Saudi Arabia against Al-Hilal SFC and Al Nassr FC as they finalized the Inaugural Jamal Kashoggi pre-season tournament for 2024.

“We thought that the best way to celebrate the life of a prominent critic of the government of Saudi Arabia who was killed by the government of Saudi Arabia was to hold a pre-season tour in Saudi Arabia. The fact that this game is for a large, large, very large, like enormous sum of money really has nothing to do with it,” stated one Miami representative.

Sources say that Inter Miami has instructed their internal coms and employees to lock down their online profiles and say absolutely nothing about the Crown Prince, the government, or any of the members of any royal family before and after the trip ends as they indicated that, “look, shit happens and they are likely gonna get away with it so don’t make us have to have a memorial soccer tournament for you in a few years, too.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Inter Miami schedule a friendly with CSKA Moscow in a USO aid tour package to help finance the future purchase of Mbappé.

Chicago Fire Announce Acquisition Of Cuauhtémoc Blanco As 2024 Designated Player

CHICAGO - On the heels of announcing Frank Klopas as their returning head coach, the Chicago Fire today announced the acquisition of 50 year old Club America forward Cuauhtémoc Blanco as a Designated Player for the 2024 season.

“We needed to make a statement in this market and what better way than to bring in one of the all time Mexican players in Blanco,” stated Yallop Klopas to gathered members of the media still covering the team. “Blanco is going to bring a scoring touch and a governing touch to the Fire as he patrols the field for 5 to 10 minutes every game.”

Sources say that the Fire also lobbied Major League Soccer to allow Blanco to play on a more rotational basis as they are concerned that he doesn’t have 90 minutes in his legs anymore.

“They really think he can give them five great minutes roughly every 30 minutes,” stated one anonymous Fire insider. “We believe Blanco can bring the magic back to Soldier Field.

Terms of the deal were not disclosed, but those in the know say that Blanco will be earning in excess of 4 Million dollars per year, a move that will hamstring the Fire for any further signings.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fire announce sanctions against Sector Latino.

CORRECTION: We inadvertently stated that the head coach of the Fire was Frank Yallop and not Frank Klopas. We apologize for the mistake of naming the 2025 head coach (Yallop) instead of the 2024 head coach (Klopas) and will ensure that future articles will reflect the current head coach

We await Yallop replacing Klopas in January of 2025.

Empire State Building Thanks Gotham FC For Chance To Celebrate With Team As It Was Unable To Travel

NEW YORK - The Empire State Building, a historic inanimate New York skyscraper, reportedly took time to thank Gotham FC for giving the building a chance to celebrate with the 2023 NWSL Championship team as it was unable to travel to San Diego to see the team win.

“Thank you for this chance to celebrate with the team,” stated the Building as it came to life in what can only be described as a Holiday Miracle in order to reach out to the Gotham Front Office. “It would’ve felt a bit hollow to not have a chance to join in the celebrations and I really appreciate all the players taking time to take pictures and show the trophy.”

Sources say that the Building really appreciated the commitment of the Gotham team to celebrate with it since it was around since the team started.

“I just can’t believe that I finally have an NWSL championship to celebrate,” stated the Empire State Building. “I’m just glad that it feels like I am a part of the process and not just an afterthought on like all those people down there that look down on every day.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as 30 Rockefeller Plaza requests a chance to celebrate as well.

USMNT Inability To Score Goal 1 Minute Into Game Another Sign Of Berhalter Disaster

Austin, TX - Online sources indicate that the United States Men’s National Team’s inability to score a goal 1 minute into their game against Trinidad and Tobago in the Nations League is another sign of the Gregg Berhalter disaster.

“We are going to miss the World cup AGAIN,” stated USMNT fan Jason Smith. “Berhalter needs to be fired and all the players from the team need to start for Manchester City before we can compete with these nations.”

Fanboy accounts across the globe from USMNTThoughts to USMNTBelifePrayerLife to USMNTAmericanF3lon castigated the team for their inability to score as the fans trotted out 345 different lineups that,“Berhalter should’ve used.”

“We should be ahead 4,000,000,000 to 1,” stated @USMNTDenimManifestDestiny. “I can’t believe this! My entire night of watching this game and looking up instructions on how to access Twitter via a runescape mod are ruined.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans perform a strongly worded Tik Tok skit sent to US Soccer illustrating their demands.

Colorado Rapids Announce Phil Neville Has Already Been Reserved To Replace Chris Armas When He Is Eventually Dismissed

Denver, CO - Hot on the heels of their announcement appointing Chris Armas to the head coaching position of the Colorado Rapids, the front office of the Rapids also announced that when Armas is fired for being unable to succeed with a threadbare lineup that they have already reserved Phil Neville to replace him.

“We anticipate that Phil Neville will be available at that time and he is excited to take the chance to coach in Colorado after whatever experience he has in Portland over the next year or two,” stated one Rapids executive.

Sources say that the only way forward from Armas 40% win rate in Major League Soccer is Nevilles 39% win rate in Major League Soccer.

For his part, Neville remains excited by the opportunity as he claimed, “I’ve always enjoyed Denver and feel that it really resembles Manchester.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Portland Timbers announce Chris Armas will succeed Phil Neville.

Gotham FC Tells Heartbroken Fans That The True NWSL Championship Celebration Is The Friends We Made Along The Way

NEW YORK - After heartbroken fans took to the internet to complain about the lack of an NWSL victory celebration with the team and the fans, the leaders of Gotham FC indicated that the true NWSL Championship Celebration is the friends that we made along the way.

“It feels like there is a second part of this tweet that isn’t going to be as well received by your fans.”

“Look at each other and celebrate your own vibrant lives… just without us,” stated the Gotham Front Office to the Cloud 9 Supporters Group. “While we can’t promise any real tangible celebration, we do offer our heartfelt congratulations and a hearty YOU’RE WELCOME for all the memories you made this season.”

Supporters say that they felt robbed of an opportunity to truly celebrate a landmark achievement with the 2023 NWSL Champions as many fans were unable to travel across the country to San Diego to watch the team play.

“I just think that this is a bunch of bullshit,” stated one Cloud 9 member. “People would be having an open top bus parade if the Knicks simply won a playoff series.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gotham auction off a paid opportunity to meet the NWSL trophy and 2 reserve players at a Newark Sbarro.