"Any Time You Get A Chance To Sign The Architect Of Four Straight Seasons Without The Playoffs You Gotta Take It," States Chicago Fire Owner

CHICAGO - An excited Chicago Fire owner Joe Mansueto was irrepressible at the press conference to announce the re-signing of Sporting Director Georg Heitz as he stated, “Any time you get a chance to sign the architect of four straight seasons without the playoffs you gotta take it.”

Citing Heitz’s consistency and his effort Mansueto indicated that he was very intrigued to see how the Fire would fare in the league going forward.

“It’s easy enough these days to make the playoffs,” stated Mansueto to reporters. “However, it takes a true genius to be able to miss the playoffs this much. Just think about it.”

Sources say that Manseuto then pulled up a statistical analysis of the last four years for the Fire as he walked people through all the decisions and moves it would take to manage to miss the playoffs in a league where nearly every half dead team makes it into the postseason somehow in a four year span.

“Here we have bad transfers, poor coaching decisions, ineffective designated players and porous defense,” stated Manseuto. “These aren’t just fly by night decisions but an overall holistic approach to the running of the Chicago Fire. We see here that re-signing Heitz to be the sporting director ensures the commitment to excellence that the Fire stand for in recent years with constantly missing the playoffs in a league where not making them somehow in a four year span nearly takes an act of god.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fire announce Nery Castillo as their Designated Player scout.


Soccer Researchers Indicate MLS Playoffs May Actually Be Starting Soon

INTERNET - Researchers and unpaid interns with the University of South Davis released a paper today that indicates that the Major League Soccer (MLS) playoffs may actually be starting soon.

“Doing the work so you don’t have to.”

“There are enough signs and data points that we feel comfortable indicating that the playoffs may be starting soon,” stated Richard Evans, a research with USD.

The paper, which was released on Monday, indicates strong positive signs for playoffs that include —

  1. Teams playing each other multiple times which may indicate a multi game series or possibly the end of the season

  2. Increased Ticket Prices

  3. Statistical research that it’s almost winter and playoffs are usually starting now

Sources with the university indicate that many fans have had a, “feeling in their bones that the playoffs should be starting soon,” however they indicated that they refused to rely on simple feelings as an indicator that the playoffs were starting.

“We are not the farmers almanac,” stated one researcher. “It’s important for us to collect data points that indicate when the playoffs start rather than relying on whether a beaver tells a rain drop to fall on a persimmon and that means 3 more Crew/Atlanta United games.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the paper is rejected as being unfounded by Miami research associated.

USMNT Fans Debate Which Historical US Team Would Defeat The 2018 United States World Cup Squad

INTERNET - Fans of the United States Men’s National Team (USMNT) took to the Internet, today, to debate which of the historical US teams would defeat the 2018 US World Cup Squad as the argument raged.

“I think the 2002 team would’ve had the best shot,” stated a 44 year old man who actually remembers watching the team. “They could’ve defeated the 2018 US World Cup team.”

Other USMNT fans, however, debated that the 2018 team didn’t have the same technical ability as the 2006 team stating, “You can’t compare Landon Donovan to any of the 2018 World Cup US team. They simply aren’t in existence when you compare Donovan to them.”

Sources say that the argument spilled over from casual fans to pundits alike as they all took a stance on which historical team could’ve defeated the 2018 United States World Cup Team.

“I think the 1994 team could’ve wiped the floor with them,” stated one irrelevant man.

While others argued that you couldn’t even compare the 2018 team to the 2022 team as they stated, “the 2022 team definitely could’ve beaten the 2018 team. Absolutely true.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as our intrepid journalists chase down members of the 2018 United States World Cup official roster to ask them their thoughts.

"You Really Should Go Into Private Investigation," States Woman To Girlfriend During Hour 2 Of The Krashlyn Debrief

LOS ANGELES - During hour 2 of the debrief to her girlfriend Yasmine Hernandez of the current, ongoing and seemingly never ending Krashlyn Divorce Situation (KDS) that Women’s Soccer fan Laura Williams again was informed, “You really should go into private investigation.”

It was somewhere during the slide presentation that contained a curated list of all current and former teammates that was collated alongside comments on Ali Kriegers social media that was then also tied back to the decision tree of which player was siding with which Krieger or Harris that re-informed Hernandez that her girlfriend seems to have an unending talent for sniffing out online dirt.

“Seriously,” stated Hernandez to Williams. “I’m telling you there has to be a way to leverage this talent for good.”

Hernandez then pointed to William’s 26 part tweet storm from the morning of day 3 that detailed the exact timing and location of Harris over the last six months and what that means to the situation at hand as she stated, “I don’t know what all this is but holy shit. Wait. Did you do this when we started dating?”

For her part, Williams stated this was standard operating procedure for people in the WoSo sphere who love messy drama as much as she does as she stated, “I’m not happy with the situation, but I’m not about to sleep until I can detail… to the minute… what brought Sophia Bush and Ashlyn Harris together, when they got together, where exactly they were when it happened and what Ali Krieger knew if anything.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hernandez starts to fall asleep somewhere around hour 3 on day 5 of the deep dive presentation.

“Stan” Kroenke Installs Field Goal Posts At Dick’s Sporting Goods Park As Part Of Super Bowl Bid

COMMERCE CITY, CO – The future of Colorado Rapids’ home matches was thrown in disarray when it was revealed that a set of American football field goal posts had been permanently installed over the weekend at Dick’s Sporting Goods Park (Dick’s), which has served as the Rapids’ home pitch since 2007.

Kroenke Sports & Entertainment (KSE), which operates Dick’s and also owns the Rapids, is apparently putting together a proposal to host 2027’s Super Bowl LXI at Dick’s, and the installation of field goal posts is the first step in permanently configuring the facility for American football in the hope of impressing the National Football League (NFL) with its Super Bowl bid.

KSE’s apparent preference for American football venues came to international attention earlier in the week when it was revealed that KSE had built the Los Angeles area’s SoFi Stadium – the most expensive sports venue in the world – too narrowly to meet FIFA specifications to host the 2026 World Cup final, and was also unwilling to pay to reconfigure the stadium so that it could host that game – despite that final being anticipated to be the most-watched sporting event in world history.

When reached for comment, Enos “Stan” Kroenke – the American multi-billionaire who is founder and CEO of KSE – expressed incredulity that Dick’s had been built to be a “soccer-specific stadium,” and seemed to be unaware that he even owned any professional soccer teams, much less one that played at Dick’s. The only comment he was willing to make was that “we’ll get back to you on [questions relating to the Rapids and the future of their home field]” and that “Kroenke Sports & Entertainment is excited about the many plans we have for [American] football fans.”  

A KSE spokesperson later reached out to the Nutmeg News to confirm that “Dick’s is now a [an American] football stadium” and that the Rapids’ final home match for the 2023 season against Real Salt Lake was being moved to a “wonderful facility” at Wheat Ridge High School in Wheat Ridge, Colorado. As to where the Rapids would be playing in future seasons, the KSE spokesperson said that “several exciting venues” were being explored, with the top candidates being the home pitches of the United Soccer League’s Colorado Switchbacks in Colorado Springs or Northern Colorado Hailstorm in Windsor. The spokesperson did clarify that those options would require the Rapids to “reconfigure its future home schedule around [those teams’] road schedule.”

In light of Kroenke’s apparent unawareness that he was the owner of any soccer teams, The Nutmeg News did a follow-up communication with Kroenke to alert him to the fact that he was also the owner of Arsenal FC, a team in the English Premier League. Kroenke’s response to The Nutmeg News was to inquire where that team played, and if he owned their stadium. Upon being told that Arsenal was a London-based team playing at the 60,000 seat Emirates stadium, owned by KSE, Kroenke commented “I heard [NFL Commissioner Roger] Goodell wants to do a Super Bowl in London; maybe we can redo that stadium [for American football] too.”



USMNT Fans Find A Way To Criticize Michael Bradley One Last Time For Retiring

INTERNET - United States Men’s National Team (USMNT) fans took time out of their busy schedules photoshopping memes about Gregg Berhalter being a monster to find a way to criticize Michael Bradley one last time for retiring.

“It shows his lack of skill and ambition,” stated @USMNTPatriotBombTruth “He was never a big time player and who knows why all of these coaches kept picking him all these years.”

Sources say that the loudmouth part of the USMNT fandom that hates nearly every single player were thrilled to find a final reason to criticize Bradley as he headed for the exit on his career.

“Much like his play for the USMNT, he was disappointing in retirement,” stated one anonymous troll. “If we brought up Josh Gatt in 2010 and played him more often then he would be retiring from Juventus right now.”

For their part, reasonable fans of the team acknowledged his retirement by stating, “huh, wow,” as unhinged commentators decided to go back and relitigate the entirety of the 2011 Gold Cup as they exclaimed, “Finally we won’t have to watch Bradley and Jermaine Jones play in the midfield again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as intrepid commentators decide to go after Bob Bradley for the sake of nostalgia.

"We've Heard The Fans Loud And Clear," States MLS As They Announce A 54 Game Season Where Every Team Makes The Playoffs

NEW YORK - Executives with Major League Soccer (MLS), today, announced, “We’ve heard the fans loud and clear,” as they rolled out a 54 game season where every team makes the playoffs for 2024.

“According to our survey of fans, what everyone wants to see during the 2024 season are more pointless midweek games during the summer and a season that seems to never end before the excitement of the playoffs comes in like a rushing wave attempting to stave off the season ending stagnation affecting everyone in the supporters group,” stated MLS Public Relations

Sources indicate that the league is bullish on this future for Major League Soccer as they state, “Now the supporters shield will REALLY mean something.”

Fans were apparently over the moon at the prospect of an unending season as they stated, “oh, goddammit,” in exclamation of the new plan.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS adds an additional 5 nationally televised rivalry games in the Rose Bowl between the Galaxy and LAFC in order to pad out the season.

Desperate For A Break From Reality, Area Soccer Fan Turns To MLS Power Rankings

Pittsburgh, PA - Desperate for a break from reality, soccer fan Audra Wallace turned to the MLS Power Rankings in an effort to escape the current world.

“Ahh, this is more like it,” stated Wallace as she looked through the rankings which transported her to a different world full of possibilities and beliefs coexisting as one.

“It’s a like a calm cool drip of water down my back as I crawl across the hot, dry landscape of awful news and a world gone mad,” stated Wallace to The Nutmeg News. “Reading the rankings makes me feel like I’m in an alternate world where Miami might be good, and LAFC never does anything wrong. It’s like my fan fiction where the Pittsburgh Riverhounds are in MLS, the leagues in the United States are vertical and all soccer fans have 51% ownership in their favorite team.”

Sources say that Wallace was inundated with all the awful news of the day over and over and over again as she logged into social media before deciding to cleanse her feed with a visit to the alternate world of the MLS Power Rankings.

“In this Power Rankings world I have one job that covers my expenses, groceries don’t cost me $250 per visit and my mom calls me on my Birthday out of love and not obligation,” stated Wallace. “Ahhh power rankings, in this world I am free.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wallace writes an erotic fan fiction about the MLS Power Rankings, Sebastian Frei, and a mysterious, brooding bundle of tentacles named Gnorvis who wants to find human satisfaction in sport …. and beyond.

Soccer Fan Starts Podcast To Inform Friends Of His Posts They Are Missing On Bluesky, Threads, Twitter, Facebook, Mastodon, and Discord

INTERNET - Realizing that his online soccer friend group has now fractured across the internet to 20 different locations, Soccer fan Dave Randolph stated that he was buying a microphone and would be starting a podcast to inform his friends of his posts they are missing on Bluesky, Threads, Twitter, Facebook, Mastodon, and Discord.

“I’ve got some opinions on soccer and life but what good are opinions if I don’t know which friends have seen them because I can’t remember who is posting on which service anymore,” stated Randolph to The Nutmeg News. “With my new podcast I will be creating a central place for everyone to figure out what I’m up to and what my thoughts are on every subject from Soccer to Football.”

Sources indicate that friends of Randolph were nonplussed about the announcement as they swore that they would listen to the podcast when they find the time.

“It’s difficult for me to find time for podcasts, but I’ll give it a listen at some point. I have a road trip in like 4 months and if I remember at that time I’m just going to really focus in on your podcast unless literally any other band that I like releases any new music or there’s some lovely white noise that happens when I roll the window down a crack. Other than that I’m all in on podcasts, including possibly yours if I find the time,” stated friend Stephen Hill.

“I love podcasts, especially when I’m walking my dog, except my dog ran away, and now I can’t listen to any podcasts because they remind me of my dog,” stated friend Andrea Stewart.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Randolph lets everyone know they can join his patreon to support his podcast to support his online postings.

FIFA Announce 2042 World Cup To Be Hosted On Active Deep Water Gas Drilling Rigs Destroying The Cold Water Reef Off The Coast Of Mauritania

Zurich, SWITZERLAND - The Fédération internationale de football association (FIFA), today announced that they awarded the 2042 World Cup to a group of active gas drilling rigs permitted to drill for natural gas while simultaneously posing an immense threat to one of the oldest cold water reefs in the world and the local fisheries of Senegal and Mauritania.

“We have a mandate to bring the game wherever the highest bidder wants,” stated FIFA President Gianni Infantino. “This world cup will truly highlight the beautiful culture of British Petroleum and Kosmos Energy. Fans of the beautiful game will find that learning about the culture of BP will open their eyes to the wider culture of other Countries out there like Exxon/Mobil, Shell and Halliburton.”

Sources indicate that the bid was allegedly accepted when the check cleared as Infantino spoke to reporters claiming that there were no other applicants that fit the qualification to host like the joint venture of British Petroleum and Kosmos Energy.

“Fans will enjoy the BP oil and gas fan zone where they will have integrated football challenges and career advice from a group of BP recruiters. There will be giveaways of dead and bleached coral for everyone attending and all fans will receive a documentary titled, ‘dwindling fisheries are no fault of our own,’ to take home to their respective countries for distribution.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the 2046 World Cup is held in North Korea.

Chicago Fire Fans Demand A Financial Credit For Watching The OTHER 31 Games Of The Season

CHICAGO - Fans of the Major League Soccer (MLS) team Chicago Fire are reportedly demanding a financial credit for watching the OTHER 31 games the team played this season after the team indicated that all attendees would receive a credit for the Inter Miami game regardless of whether Messi plays or not.

“I had to sit through the rest of this shit show,” stated one Fire fan who preferred to remain anonymous. “And now that they are compensating us due to whether Messi plays or not, I think it’s high time they compensate us for the fact that the Fire haven’t shown up. I think it’s high time they compensate us for sitting through season upon season of just pure unending hopeless bullshit.”

Sources indicate that fans who previously had checked out during the FIRST six game winless streak of the season now found themselves fired up after the SECOND six game (then seven game) winless streak of the season.

“Holy shit, with everything they’ve done over the past few years, they should absolutely be paying me to stay a fan anymore,” stated Paul Reynolds, a Fire fan from 1999. “Honestly, I don’t even know why I give a shit anymore. Nelson Rodriguez killed every bit of passion I had left for the team. $250 isn’t even going to do a damn thing for me.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as despite a credit of $250 to their account, most long term Chicago Fire fans who already gave up their season tickets 10 years ago debate whether that’s enough for them to actually want to spend money on this team.

Surreptitious Austin FC Player Takes Down Motivational MLS Predictions Taped To Locker Room Wall

Austin, TX - An anonymous Austin FC player secretly took down the motivational MLS Website pre-season predictions taped to the wall of the team locker room as the team slipped further down the table this weekend.

“So as it turns out, the predictions were not especially motivating this year,” stated one anonymous Austin player. “I was really going to have a go at Charles Boehm for placing us 5th, but …. well… um…. as it turns out he may have had more belief in this team than we players did.”

Sources say that Austin players who believed they didn’t have enough respect from national pundits last season thought that perhaps they had too much respect this season.

“I think that we really need to take Kljestan and Ortiz to task here,” stated one Austin defender. “Clearly we weren’t going to be 1st in the West. They should take the blame for this team underperforming their rankings like when we blame them for underrating us when we exceed their rankings. It’s completely logical.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Austin are ranked in the middle of the conference for the 2024 season and the players claim those rankings as disrespectful bulletin board material… unless they lose again.

Media Alert : NISA League Rescheduled

CHICAGO - The National Independent Soccer Association (NISA) today announced the reschedule of the league in total until they can have some time to get their shit together.

“We just……… we just need some time to figure this out,” stated one league source.

With the issues of the financial viability of Club De Lyon FC, and previous problems with team solvency in a general sense, pundits are claiming that the NISA may be living on borrowed time.

“I’m not saying they are done,” stated one analyst, “However, I am saying that I hear the music of the NY Cosmos starting up if you know what I mean.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NISA realizes they will need to let people know that they are actually still playing OTHER games at some point as well.

Google Searches For "How To Sell Kidney On The Black Market" Skyrocket In Miami Area

Miami, FL - Following the release of the new 2024 Inter Miami season ticket pricing, researchers state that searches on Google skyrocketed for “How To Sell Kidney On The Black Market” in the Miami area.

“We are seeing a direct correlation between the release of season ticket numbers and fans realizing the only way they can see the team next season is to part with one of their kidneys,” stated Stanley Williams of the Institute of Internet Research and Cat Memes.

“For me, I don’t really have a choice,” stated Miami fan Eduard St Pierre. “If I’m going to watch my team play next season it’s this option or selling a kid. And to be fair, I don’t have a kid to sell.”

For their part the team says that this is just a natural progression for recouping some of the costs that incur when you acquire the most famous soccer player in the world

“Honestly, they are lucky that they are only having to part with a kidney,” stated one anonymous team source. “Next season, the playoff games are going to be at ‘buying a new house in Michigan’ level.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Inter Miami fan Isabella Reyes looks up the street value of selling eggs on craigslist.


Lauren Holiday's Husband Traded To Portland Area Sports Team

Reports abounded that the husband (Jrue) of former United States International midfielder and Kansas City stalwart Lauren Holiday was traded to a Portland, Oregon area sports team rumors were sparked that the midfielder would soon be returning to the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) with the Portland Thorns.

“Frankly we can neither confirm nor deny the rumors,” stated one anonymous league source. “However, anyone would be perfectly happy with such a player as Lauren Holiday.”

With news that the husband would be employed in the Portland area, soccer crazy officials are apparently scouring the internet and rumor mills to see if Holiday will soon follow suit.

“She’s only 35, she can add that veteran presence that all teams need,” stated one local soccer fan.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as eagle eye fans keep a look out for signs of Holliday and her husband at local events.

LAFC Announce New Bottle Throwing Sponsorship With Pepsico

LOS ANGELES - Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) today announced a new innovative bottle throwing sponsorship for their fans with international brand Pepsico.

“We feel that LAFC fans are known around the world as a leader in throwing drinks, bottles and cups on the field and at players after their team loses a game,” stated LAFC’s director of fan engagement. “And Pepsico is known as being a leader in innovate drink ideas. It was a perfect marriage in the stands.”

Sources say that Pepsico is working to making more aerodynamic bottles branded with LAFC colors for fans to throw at the head of opposing keepers, and a whole line of flavored drinks that will strike fear in the heart of every 21 year old, 128 pound midfielder from Cuernavaca.

“We believe that Keeper Krusher will be the newest trend going forward,” stated one Pepsico source. “When you hate that your team lost a game and you have no other method of showing your anger because you are a frustrated man-baby, why not throw a bottle at the opposing team! Show that you don’t even believe the opposing players are human any more! They are the avatar of your frustration incarnate and clearly deserve to be covered in garbage! KEEPER KRUSHER!”

Fans with the LAFC Supporters Groups report that they are excited for the opportunity to hurl branded drinks at opposing players and fans, however not everyone is excited by the move.

“This is just another example of the corporate interests trying to take advantage of our pure fan support and homegrown movement to pelt everyone on the field with garbage,” stated one anonymous LAFC fan. “It’s important to us to keep our traditions alive of behaving liked 3 year old toddlers when we lose. How else will anyone be able to define an LAFC fan when they lose if we don’t pelt the field with full cups of $13 beer and half empty bottles.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans admit that the aerodynamic nature of Keeper Krusher bottles does make it more likely to concuss Nahuel Guzmán if he celebrates on their field again.

Carli Lloyd Announces Additional USWNT Retirement Tour

INTERNET - In light of the recent one and done retirement games of Julie Ertz and Megan Rapinoe, commentator Carli Lloyd announced an additional United States Women’s National Team (USWNT) retirement tour.

“I felt like the youth of the future hasn’t learned the full lessons they need to learn from me going forward for the team to be successful without me,” stated Lloyd to her Twitter account.

Sources indicate that Lloyd came up with the idea of an additional retirement tour after seeing the response to the retirement of Rapinoe and Ertz as she thought that she hadn’t quite nailed her retirement tour the last few times.

“As everyone knows I am a perfectionist and I feel like we could do better,” stated Lloyd to a collected group of friends and public relations managers. “We could really make a larger effort at my retirement and it could be a more grandiose event. This could span several continents and several games until we finally reach the ultimate retirement party in a few years, the Women’s World Cup Final.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lloyd prescribes wind sprints for everyone following a press-release typo.

Earthquakes Owner John Fisher Calls Alexi Lalas For Advice On How To Run Team Further Into The Ground In Order To Facilitate A Move

LAS VEGAS - Calling from his rented penthouse at the Cosmopolitan, San Jose Earthquakes owner John Fisher reportedly reached out to former Earthquakes General Manager Alexi Lalas for advice on how to run the team further into the ground in order to facilitate a move.

“How’d you do such an abysmal job with the team that the league allowed AEG to force a move,” stated Fisher to Lalas. “When you traded the rights for Landon Donovan to the Galaxy while Donovan was in Germany, did you feel that this was the clincher for getting the team to move? Or did you need to threaten the city council more?”

Sources say that Fisher realized that he could offer Las Vegas a 2 for 1 setup of getting a Major League Baseball team and a Major League Soccer team at one time if he could convince the MLS that the stadium they opened 8 years ago under his watch was actually out of date.

“What city wouldn’t want a criminally underfunded and terrible baseball team and a criminally underfunded and terrible soccer team! It’s a two for one!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lalas advises Fisher to make a bunch of really bad trades to teams that he has a controlling interest in and be such a shit general manager that websites write articles about terrible his tenure was at three separate teams.

New England Revolution Announce Hiring Of Former Spanish Football Executive Luis Rubiales

Foxborough, MA - The New England Revolution, today, announced the hiring of former Spanish Football Executive Luis Rubiales to their coaching staff.

“We are excited to welcome Luis to the Revolution family,” stated interim sporting director Curt Onalfo.

Sources indicate that the Revolution decided to look outside their own organization in order to show their fans that they are not just hiring abusers from within.

“It’s important for us to look on the international stage and we think fans will be excited by this hire,” stated Revolution President Brian Bilello. “We feel that Luis has the pedigree and name recognition that Revolution fans crave. We feel that he ticks all the boxes for the post Bruce Arena era and we are happy that he will be here to bring us to the top of the league.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Revolution leak stadium renderings to the press for an area of land they are planning on not purchasing in an effort to distract the fans.

Missing Bruce Arena Rescued from Burning Man Mud Pit

BLACK ROCK DESERT, NV – Bruce Arena, head coach of MLS’s New England Revolution – who has been missing from the team’s activities since an announced July 30, 2023 suspension for “inappropriate and insensitive remarks” – has finally been located, after a dramatic rescue conducted by a team from the U.S. Bureau of Land Management (BLM) during the Burning Man event this Labor Day weekend.

Burning Man has been plagued this year with torrential rains, turning Nevada’s Black Rock Desert – where the event has been held every year since 1990 – into a gigantic mud pit, severely hampering the anarchic festivities. Numerous attendees have reported a lack of food, potable water, and sanitary facilities as the result of severe flooding at the site, and ad hoc rescue attempts have been initiated to move the approximately 20,000 Burning Man participants to safer locations in Reno and other nearby cities.

As part of these rescue efforts, BLM rescuers had to use ropes, winches and hoists to extract several attendees who were said to be “neck deep” in a vast mud pit located adjacent to the event’s “No Man’s Land.” It was during this rescue that Arena, 71, who has been the Revolution’s head coach since 2019 after stints with L.A. Galaxy, New York Red Bulls, D.C. United and the U.S. National team, was located.

According to a BLM spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity, Arena was winched out of the mud pit around 5:00 pm Pacific time. The spokesperson said that Arena was dressed in “a buffalo hide loincloth and a rainbow-hued ballcap with a propeller on top,” but little else. Arena is said to be “resting comfortably” in a nearby hospital, recovering from “severe dehydration” that led him to “rant incoherently” at the time of the rescue. Hospital officials said that Arena was not available for comment at this time.

When reached for comment, Revolution management stated that Arena continued to be on suspension and would not further comment on the reasons for the suspension, or why Arena was nearly 3,000 miles away on the day of the Revolution’s matchup with Austin FC in Foxborough, Massachusetts. Nevertheless, one Revolution official – also speaking on condition of anonymity to The Nutmeg News – indicated that Arena’s suspension was precipitated in part on a “bizarre” training session speech during the Revolution’s Leagues Cup run in which Arena urged the team “to explore the inner recesses of their minds” and indicated that future training sessions and line-up decisions would be co-led by Arena and his new “Ayahuasca shaman” Carlos Tupac Amaru Jones.

The Nutmeg News will have further on this story when it is able to induce a comment from former Portland Timbers coach Gio Savarese, once he comes down from a 48-hour ecstasy trip he is currently undergoing in a semi-flooded wooden lean-to at Burning Man.