Email From Nick Lima To His Agent Regarding Lima's Opinion On Slavery And His Opposition To The Black Lives Matter Movement Remains Unread

INTERNET - Sources indicate that an email from Austin FC player Nick Lima to his agent regarding Lima’s opinion on slavery and his opposition to the Black Lives Matter movement remains unread as the player sent another text asking for an opinion on the piece.

“Seth Jahn was RIGHT! MAJA/MAGA”

“I’m thinking of sending this out to the fake news,” stated the text message from Lima as his agent rubbed his temples in a bathroom stall somewhere. “At the very least I need to post this to my social media. Everyone needs to know how embarrassing they are by kneeling in protest of police brutality and racism.”

Sources indicate that Lima fully supports the recent alt-right and fake fact dependent tirade of Seth Jahn who began his long grift towards becoming a sports anchor for One American News by ranting about his beliefs on Instagram.

“Yeah, um… well… we don’t control what our players support, we just try to help them… oh goddammit,” stated one social media manager for Austin FC.

For his part, Lima stated that he, “just needed an opportunity to double down on what he said before decrying cancel culture and then being told to stop making statements to the media.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lima considers the opportunity to talk about his beliefs with Ben Shapiro.

USSF Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Council Reach Out To Both Pro-Racist And Anti-Racist Members For Next Step

CHICAGO - After a raucous annual general meeting in which athlete’s council delegate Seth Jahn stated racist and ignorant comments for several minutes with virtually no opposition or rebuke, the US Soccer Federation (USSF) diversity, equity and inclusion council stated that they would reach out to both Pro-Racist and Anti-Racist members for their next step.

“It’s important to hear a diversity of thought in our membership,” stated USSF spokesman Bryce Williams. “In an effort to become more educated on the subjects that Mr. Jahn espoused, we reached out to a few members that think apartheid was right, Nelson Mandela is a criminal, Barack Obama was born in Kenya and Ahmaud Arbery deserved to die in order to get their opinion on the opinions of Mr. Jahn."

No one in the soccer stratosphere was really shocked to hear bigoted statements happen within the purview of US Soccer, however Mr. Williams indicated that the Council was still committed to forward progress.

“US Soccer Federation supports a diversity of thought from the idea that everyone is equal and deserving of empathy and love to the idea that Black people cause all the crime in the world and slavery wasn’t that bad,” stated Williams. “Of course Black people deserve to share their experiences, but it also important to hear the other side of people who don’t think they exist. That’s the kind of sharing of ideas that’s important to us.”

While many people condemned Jahn’s statements, USSF President Cindy Parlow Cone said, “Seth has done a lot for our country and for our federation. And like I said before, just like the players have a right to peacefully protest, Seth has the right to voice his opinions. I’ll be honest with you, the speaker that it was on my side was really hard to hear. And so I couldn’t actually hear everything that he was saying.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer announces a new, “Pride,” campaign that focuses on increasing the love one has for their own race whether white or other.

Gatekeeper Excludes Himself From Supporters Group For Not Meeting His Own High Expectations

NEW YORK - After being unable to specifically the name all the starting midfielders for the Metrostars during the entirety of the 1998 season, gatekeeper extraordinaire Jake Garfield told himself that he would not be allowed to continue in the RBNY supporters group this season.

“We cannot dilute the excellence of our group by allowing in n00bs who don’t know our full history,” stated Garfield about himself.

According to sources in the know, Garfield became suspicious of himself when he caught a reflection in the mirror of himself wearing a throwback Metrostars kit.

“I saw this guy, you know… me…., and I was like, ‘ok, so you like the Metrostars, but can you name all the starting midfielders during the entirety of the 1998 season,’ and he/I just couldn’t,” stated Garfield. “It’s outrageous to think that just some random normy, like myself, could buy a throwback kit if they don’t specifically know how many appearances Kerry Zavagnin made in 1998.”

According to Garfield, who witnessed the altercation between Garfield and Garfield, the fan then demanded of himself that he remove his own kit as he wasn’t a true fan and an altercation happened in the hallway of his Brooklyn studio.

“Fuck THIS GUY,” stated Garfield as he rabbit punched himself in the kidney over the theoretical disagreement with himself.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garfield intervenes with himself to try and let himself back into his group if he can exactly name the circumstances that brought Nino da Silva to the team in 2000.

Paulson To Deaf Community, "Read My Lips, No New Captioning"

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers owner Merritt Paulson exploded at the deaf and hard of hearing communities as he slammed them for being entitled complainers as members of the community requested captioning on videos released by the team for the 186,000,000,000th time.

“Read My Lips! No New Captioning!”

“I can’t actually read the lips of Gio Savarese or any of the players when they are behind a mask,” stated Randall Ely. “So it’s basically impossible for me to consume any team content.”

For his part, Merritt Paulson decried Ely’s complaint as, “incredibly entitled and thinking little of the hard working staff that I employ.”

Paulson went on to say, “LISTEN TO ME, HEARING IMPAIRED PEOPLE. NO NEW CAPTIONING. If you complain about this further than I will ensure that we mandate all players and coaches to wear masks forever so you will never be able to watch a Timbers produced video again and understand what is going on.”

For his part, Ely says that he’s given up watching any videos that involve interviews with players, coaches, ownership or tactical breakdowns as they infrequently if ever have any captioning.

“I guess they just don’t want me as a fan,” stated Ely.

“GODDAMN RIGHT YOU ENTITLED COMPLAINERS,” stated Paulson, according to sources.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Paulson takes on the elderly by removing elevators in the stadium.

Detroit Footwork And Chicago Goa-Psytrance FC Issue Challenge To Chicago House Athletic Club For Control Of The 2021 NISA Dancefloor

NISA clubs Detroit Footwork and Chicago Goa-Psytrance FC issued a challenge to new team Chicago House Athletic Club for control of the 2021 NISA dancefloor during the upcoming season.

Chicago House

“We will cut shapes and then we will cut them down,” stated Detroit Footwork owner David “DJ Lights” Henderson. “They will know us by our rhythm and our base and our innovative 4-3-2-1 that provides width with our fullbacks.”

Sources indicate that Goa-Psytrance FC are channeling body transcendence via ancient shamanic rituals and sampled verses from the songs of Lorna Cordeiro while experimenting with a holding midfielder that who constantly produces a game rhythm that never drops.

“We will control the 1s, the 2s and even the number 9s,” stated head coach Steven “DJ Konkan Enlightenment” Smith. “Our beat comes from the idea of the Surpavo and the Konpavo reinterpreted through distorted zen koans that are then re-interpreted through a modern holding midfielder. This midfield, just by virtue of his play, will question the opposing defense to dance.. or to not dance… and if dancing to put up ones hands.”

The supporters groups of the three teams indicate that there will be a supporter driven competition, as well, as they pushed the front offices of their teams to respect the genre and the game.

“The teams have agreed to a 32 bar moment of silence for Daft Punk at the start of each derby game,” stated SG member Philip Valenzuela. “If you read our manifesto posted to our di.fm page you will see that we’ve asked for referees to be outfitted with pacifier shaped whistles for their own safety and to enforce red cards for dropping the beat. We have our differences with each other. but I still believe that glowsticks are an affectation that we do not need in this league and that has nothing to do with me being pegged in the face with a glowstick on string during the last meeting of our two teams.”

Despite their differences, the groups announced a community dance off to celebrate the new derby as the supporters from all three teams agree to a simmering détente over the Electro-Industrial sounds of Wumpscut.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Goa-Psytrance FC claim that the Detroit Footwork contacted David Guetta to play their opening game instead of Jlin.

Supporter's Group Veteran Announces Retirement From Section In Order To Focus On Relentlessly Criticizing Supporters Groups From Afar

WASHINGTON - D.C. United supporters group veteran Ralph Edmonds announced his retirement from the supporters group section in order to focus the rest of his years on relentlessly criticizing the supporters groups from afar.

“I’m announcing my retirement from the section,” stated Edmonds to his 1,300 follower Twitter account. “And my first act as a venerated elder is to announce that I find that the supporters section no longer has the level of effort, intensity, energy or direction that will support my support and that I could see it coming and I told all the guys who built this thing that it is way worse than it was when we were 20.”

Sources indicate that Edmonds has slowly transitioned into a nostalgic grouch who only can view todays situation through the rose tinted glasses of his early 20s when he roamed a RFK stadium with the swagger that only the truly uninformed in life can give.

“I don’t know what these kids are doing, but back in my day we didn’t sit there on a cellphone,” stated Edmonds as he ranted like his father used to do to him. “We had drum circles in the rain, man. None of this corporate Audi shtick. There hasn’t been a good T.I.F.O display since 1999 and I don’t have a good picture of that one so you’ll have to believe me.”

Treating his grudge against the current youth like a job, Edmonds reportedly castigated the people running things as being, “clueless and not as passionate as we were,” while simultaneously slamming the ownership of United as being, “only interested in money and profiting off the legacy of the old supporters.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Edmonds criticizes the songs sung in the supporters group that he attempted to help get going 20 years ago as being unoriginal.

Excitement For 2021 Kit Reveal Tempered By Year Long Pandemic Related Unemployment

Portland, OR - The excitement of a new kit for Timbers fan Katherine Hart was reportedly tempered by the year long pandemic related unemployment that she suffered.

“I’ve been living off top ramen, and I had to negotiate with my lender on my car payments, but I DO like some of the new details,” stated Hart to The Nutmeg News.

A full time personal trainer, Hart has been unable to return to full time employment since early 2020 as she was forced to move out of her apartment, move in with her parents spare bedroom, and try to start a remote training service on zoom.

“Sure I don’t really have $130 to spend on a new kit, but it’s the excitement of a new season that indicates that theoretically I could spend $130 if I actually had a job,” stated Hart.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hart indicates that she’s hopeful that she’ll be getting back to work and after saving for a deposit and first/last month to move in she’ll be able to consider getting to a game in 2022.

Toronto F.C. Claim A Successful Launch Of Their Previously Unannounced Fan To Fan Connection Service

TORONTO - Toronto F.C. claimed a successful launch of their previously unannounced fan to fan connection service as they sent their entire fanbase the seemingly private details of other fans in the T.F.C. season ticket account list.

“During this time in COVID it’s important for all of us to feel together,” stated T.F.C. disaster relief expert Ralph Anderson. “We thought that we would take all the information of our fans that rightly belongs to us and distribute it piecemeal to the larger fan group so that everyone could spend their time writing each other letters and getting in contact.”

Sources within the team indicate that this is all, now, a part of a much larger and later to be released campaign for the Ontario club who will be releasing details of the fan to fan connection service at a later time.

“Just imagine that this is like classic Omegle,” stated Anderson to our reporters. “You may get a 34 year old divorced woman in Cabbagetown, a 43 year old plumber St Lawrence or a rap superstar who doesn’t have his address on file with the team for obvious reasons. It’s a great experience and it really illustrates that you are just data that we collect and protect with the intensity of a wet napkin.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the fan to fan connection service results in several restraining orders.

Perserverance Successfully Lands On Mars To Begin First Mission Of Evicting Current Residents For New M.L.S. Stadium

Jezero Crater, Mars - The NASA rover Perseverance successfully landed on Mars, today, to begin the first mission of evicting current residents of the red planet for a new M.L.S. stadium.

“PLEASE VACATE THE PREMESIS. THIS IS AN EVICTION NOTICE, GATHER YOUR BELONGINGS AND LEAVE. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO PURCHASE A PREMIUM SEAT LICENSE THERE ARE EXCELLENT SEATS STILL AVAILABLE WITH OUR HIGHLY RATED MARS UNITED F.C. CUSTOMER SERVICE GROUP. PLEASE VACATE THE PREMESIS.”

Residents of the Mars assisted living facility ZY3$ff 38 were informed by a loud speaker strapped to the top of Perseverance that they had 30 days to vacate in order to make way for a new parking lot for Mars United F.C.

"I've lived here for 83 chromoclons," stated HAAAA^^$Nd Reynolds. "And now there is a Pink Berry on the corner, a we-work space and an advertisement for Mars United F.C. season tickets. I don’t recognize my old neighborhood anymore. This is why we were hiding from you all this whole time.”

Executives for Mars United F.C. admitted that the situation would have some push back.

“We know it’s unpopular, but this parking lot is extremely important to having a delightful game day experience for Mars United F.C. We will work with the residents on a solution for their sacrifice at some point, but we have already offered them vouchers for 10% off select clay earthen pots from Williams Sonoma if they move out in 10 days instead of 30.”

Sources indicate that Mars United F.C. remain bullish on their upcoming stadium situation as people in the know stated, “The location is incredible, and closer to the respective planets of our fans to allow more access to fans coming in from out of galaxy.”

"We have a certain kind of demographic we want to capture on Mars and it's important to make it easy for them to attend games at the stadium,” stated Mars United F.C. co-owner Ion Tiriac.

The Nutmeg News will have more as Mars United F.C. asks F.C. Cincinnati if you really have to talk to the residents or if you just ignore their Facebook group will they go away.

Ted Cruz Transferring From Austin F.C. To Cancún F.C. Pending Physical

Cancún, Mexico - Right winger Ted “the senator” Cruz was reportedly spotted by a number of eager online sleuths departing to Liga de Expansión side Cancún F.C. as his transfer is pending depending a physical.

“Cruz is looking for a new beginning somewhere warm,” stated one insider source. “The owner of Cancún F.C. insulted his wife and his father so Cruz immediately pledged his undying love to the team.”

Sources indicate that the deal contains several non-extradition contract details in case of criminal prosecution as Cruz reportedly attempts to protect himself, however rumors keep swirling that the overall deal might be stalled.

“Cruz showed up and claimed he was heading home,” stated one local source. “Then he said that he would only stay if Cancún F.C. built a wall to protect his house from anyone that might see him. Then he said that he would only stay if all the players on the team stated that they hated his guts. It’s a very confusing time.”

Operating as a spokesman for himself, Cruz emailed our reporters decrying the leaks in the media stating, “We didn’t intend for there to be a transfer saga in the middle of a statewide tragedy, but my stupid kids couldn’t keep their mouths shut. I wanted to stay in Austin but my in laws are so miserable. They are really the worst. Definitely high on my list of all my relatives I hate The only way this could be any worse for me is if I was stuck back in the living hell I created back home. SMELL YOU LATER, LOSERS.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a shivering resident of Fredericksburg keeps reminding himself that all of this is preferable to socialism and… anyway… this weather just shows that global warming is a myth.

NYCFC Chasing A.F.C. Richmond Star Roy Kent

NEW YORK - Rumors are circulating that former star club New York City FC are chasing aging A.F.C. Richmond star midfielder Roy Kent.

“We feel that Roy would offer us a lot of wisdom and speed in the midfield,” stated NYCFC director of transfer strategy Jimmy Ansel.

Sources indicate that the Hartford and New York based club are not concerned about the injury Kent sustained at the end of the Richmond season as they claim, “Roy’s a tough fell and he will be just fine. We are counting on him to really ad a pop through the midfield.”

With NYCFC hoping to build off their former legacy of Chelsea legends with the success of Frank Lampard, the strong signs are there that they will turn their entire 2021 strategy to the acquisition of the midfield talisman.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kent rejects NYCFC for being, “beneath his level, especially now.”

Joey Saputo Appoints New Logo To Head Coach Position Of Club De Foot Montreal

MONTREAL - In a stunning turn of events, Club De Foot Montreal owner Joey Saputo appointed the new logo of the team to the head coach position of the Major League Soccer side.

“The logo has months of experience, “stated Saputo to the collected group of angry supporters burning flares and a cotton effigy of Saputo himself. “We feel that this will allow our team to truly move into the space of absolute vertical integration.”

Sources indicate that Saputo parted ways with former head coach Thierry Henry after Henry asked for the team to, “not suck so much.”

“Henry wanted them to spend money on midfielders and they wanted to spend money on graphic designers,” stated one source. “It was only a matter of time.”

Contrarians indicate that Henry was a relatively untested coach with mixed results as they stated, “Look at his record and look at the record of the cat’s asshole that is their new logo and YOU tell me which one has lost more games.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Club De Foot Montreal appoints the graphic design team as the coaching staff for the team.

Sports Fans Prepare For MLS Lockout By Continuing To Watch European And Liga MX Soccer Instead

The vast majority of sports fans in the United States indicated their preparation for the MLS lockout by continuing to ignore Major League Soccer and watching European and Liga MX soccer instead.

“Wait, which league was going to do what,” asked Tigres fan Juan De León.

According to research, the vast majority of sports fans in the United States weren’t aware that the owner operators within Major League Soccer used a clause within the current collective bargaining agreement to force the players association to negotiate modifications to the existing CBA and then threw a fit when the players didn’t offer to work for free.

“We are talking about Major League Soccer…. right?” stated Manchester United fan Brandon Stuart. “Are they not playing this year? Did the games start yet?”

Liverpool fan Javier Gutierrez asked, “are they still playing or starting? I always forget when the season starts here.”

Bayern Munich fan Samantha Hughes stated, “Yeah, so…. to be honest… I probably wasn’t going to watch any games anyway…. so in reality this fixes that problem.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the owners ask for the right to name the firstborn of every player for a brand of BodyArmor sports drink.

Soccer Fan Celebrates Black History Month By Writing New SG Song To Macklemore's 'Thrift Shop'

Seattle, WA - Seattle Sounders fan Adam Johanson stated that he wrote a brand new Supporters Group song to Macklemore’s ‘Thrift Shop’ in order to celebrate Black History Month.

“Two of my friends who know Black people said this would be a great way to honor them and make them comfortable in the soccer space,” stated Johanson. “He won a Grammy for Rap and he’s local, so it makes sense. I’ve always said that we needed a more… URBAN… sound to our supporters groups.”

Johanson indicated that he didn’t make this decision in a vacuum as he beta tested the idea with his peers.

“We are a diverse group of people with at least 2 Black fans, and with hard work and listening and learning, maybe we could reach 4 one day. That’s a 200% increase on our overall diversity totals.”

With some indicating that perhaps Johanson could’ve picked a song more representative of a diverse group of fans, he disagreed.

“We are talking about Thrift Shop, here. Everyone loves a good Thrift Shop. I’m trying to build a bigger net and try to have a more progressive fanbase. We understand we need to be more progressive, and that means relating to African Americans on a level they understand. I talked to my friends Ashton, Jaxon, Paxton, Hunter, Tanner, Logan, Wyatt and Kayeleigh on how exactly to do that..”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Johanson claims the capos are racist when they won't start his song.

NYCFC Fan Explores Filing One Time Switch To MCFC If MLS Owners Lock Out League

NEW YORK - New York City FC fan Barry Williams indicated his interest in exploring a one time switch to Manchester City FC if the Major League Soccer owners lock out the league.

“I already care about the team, they are already playing and they are first in the premier league,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “I’m contacting my representation about filing my FIFA one time switch should the MLS season be destroyed by the owners.”

Williams admits he is in the same situation as many fans of MLS teams who are exploring transfers to the Bundesliga, Premier League, La Liga and Liga MX should the owners kill the season.

“I don’t have that many quality years supporting teams left,” stated Williams. “And I want to ensure that if the league will not support me that I’ll be able to spend my final years supporting a team abroad. I don’t trust the league to do the right thing, so I’m going to explore all my options.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams prepares for his premier league switch by complaining about VAR.

Gamestop Investors Target Chivas USA As Next "Short Squeeze" Investment Chance

INTERNET - Gamestop warriors, shitlords and Reddit financial pirates indicated their belief that Chivas USA may be the next target of their short squeeze as they attempt to intentionally overvalue the short sold investment.

"Chivas USA is at a 10 year low," stated Reddit financial analyst SephirothTaintScraper. "We believe that there are a number of financial investors who have taken a short position in their investment with the franchise and that we can put the squeeze to them (and return a profit) if we start investing now"

The analysts with the institute of Franchise Financial Management (FFM) indicate that they believe investors will continue to sell short on Chivas USA stating, “This club is valued appropriately as we continue to see out the legacy of Chivas USA. Our position is that short selling this franchise will continue.”

Investors online, however, indicate that they are still planning on taking a strong position as Reddit user AtheistByGod stated, “BUY THE DIP NOW BOIS I JUST USED MY GRANDMAS DISABILITY CHECK GOING ALL IN, WERE GOING TO THE MOON”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the new financial investors of Chivas USA release 2021 kits with HODL as the title sponsor.

Fire Fan Loses 98% Of Personality After Departures Of Nelson Rodriguez, Andrew Hauptman And Hated Team Crest

CHICAGO - Soccer fans across the city indicate that Chicago Fire fan Jason Bosworth lost 98% of his personality after the departures of Nelson Rodriguez, Andrew Hauptman and the much maligned crest.

Well, NOW what I will have to complain about?

“He’s really just adrift right now,” stated Fire fan Ramon Sanders. “He’s spent the last 12 years fighting against the front office, the general manager, his fellow fans and even the crest. At this point he isn’t certain that he has a personality left. The other day he tried to post something to Twitter and it was just emojis. He has nothing left.”

With a positive progression of news from Chicago leading to the fulfillment of everything he wished for over the past 12 years, Bosworth indicated his nearly catatonic state of existential dread.

“I guess I might as well just wait until I inevitably hate Manseuto for something. Or maybe Heitz? I don’t know… I’m just kinda dead inside, right now,” stated Bosworth to our reporter. “Do I even LIKE soccer? or… Did I love hating the people in charge of soccer? I’ve been in the hatred business so long…..that I… I just don’t know anymore.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Bosworth plans to take his negative energy to his local Premier League group.

MLS Asks Steve To Ask Diana To Ask Guillermo To Ask Henry To See If The Players Union Will Agree To A New CBA

Major League Soccer, on Thursday, sent an email to Steve to ask Diana to ask Guillermo to ask Henry to see if the Players Union will accept a new CBA.

“Our technique of asking the fans to ask each other to ask the players is bulletproof,” stated MLS legal adviser Henry Dent. “We aren’t asking the Players Union directly, we would rather continue our negotiations in the public sphere where we can try to get the people on our side.”

Treating the situation like divorcing parents using their children as proxies, the two adult entities relied on the public sphere to influence the negotiating power of the groups as they attempted to petition random people who once went to a game or signed up for a promotion with their email.

“This is a foolproof plan,” stated Dent. “We only have to convince the people that the Union is the reason why they potentially will not have soccer more than the Union has to try to convince people the league is the reason why they potentially will not have soccer even though its just going to come down to the both of us sitting down and hashing out our differences like the adults we pretend to be.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Players Union asks the Players to ask the fans to ask the referees to tell MLS that they will NOT meet them at the playground as requested.

With Racism Defeated, Soccer Activists Turn Back To Promotion/Relegation

With the specter of racism finally defeated, online soccer activists turned back to trying to institute promotion/relegation within the multiple divisions of American soccer.

“Now that Biden is President,” stated soccer Twitter promotion/relegation activist Steve Stephens. “Black people and people of color can unite with us to defeat the true enemy of the United States, a closed system that doesn’t allow soccer teams to advance based upon merit.”

Advocates of Promotion/Relegation reportedly decorated their porches and stoops with the American flag to signify a new beginning as they refocused their online efforts to disrupting what they consider to be an egregious system.

“This issue has been dividing us, even though one side is clearly the most right since the beginning of time. It’s on all of us to fix this and begin healing,” stated Soccer twitter expert @PRORELUSAFORUSAUSA. “People talk about racism all the time, but no one mentions the BONDAGE of incorporated soccer teams to a closed system. If we want true liberation for people of color and for the people of America, we need promotion and relegation. We need people to speak up and not stay silent about important issues anymore. It’s time for all those so-called anarchists and anti-facists to step up and denounce the TRUE facists in their midst….. LEAGUE OWNER/OPERATORS.”

According to a straw poll of millionaires exhibited by computer simulations on Football Manager, instituting promotion and relegation would net everyone many moneys if done immediately by Presidential decree.

However, those against the system state, “Um, what? That’s not how it works at all,” as they complained against all the freedom that activists are fighting towards.

“Life will only matter when the bondage of a USL team stuck in the USL will finally be released,” stated Paul Wetherby, online. “We must go up, not down, and build not destroy and make this a system that will allow Tulsa to lose another team not to lack of a first division chance, but rather to the endless speculation and horrifying overspending that a first division will entail.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as everyone realizes that Biden is keeping the commissioners in check because the number 14 equals 5 if you add them together and that indicates how many years before there’s a revolution.

MLS To Broadcast Games On Turner Classic Movies

NEW YORK - In the wake of the NFL broadcasting a game on kids channel Nickelodeon, Major League Soccer (MLS) announced that they would be broadcasting select games during the 2021 season on Turner Classic Movies (TCM).

The Sports Business Journal of Iowa indicated that MLS picked up Werther’s Original as a series sponsor for the games aimed at expanding their demographic.

TCM host Ben Mankiewicz will introduce the upcoming game of the week while specifying the salient points, actors, and plotlines.

“All the games will start 10 minutes after the proposed start time to allow all the credits to run in advance,” stated MLS Director of infotainment Paul Davey. “As well, the game will feature light commentary by Sir Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian McKellen explaining that, in fact, soccer is not a entry point for communism into the fabric of American life. They will also talk about stagecraft, acting, gardening, and the difficulty of performing King Lear for a discerning English crowd.”

According to the official release, the league will also take a queue from TCM’s theme nights where they will attempt some technological breakthroughs that will thrill the new demographic they are targeting.

“We will have a noir night,” stated Davey. “We will broadcast in black and white while moves on the field will be viewed through a lens of treachery and intrigue. The announcers for noir night will be wearing fedoras and trench coats and will be trained to replicate the fast talking banter of early Billy Wilder who, incidentally, brought Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau together, don’tcha know. We also want to acknowledge that movies in this era were racially charged and we believe that having high bill games in black and white will prove we don’t see color.”

The Nutmeg News will now go to the replay sponsored by Werther’s Low Sugar…… because we know you missed it before.