Petty Man With Twitter Account Tells Everyone How It Is

Raleigh, NC - Part time soccer blogger and full time human resources assistant David Ramsey has some very specific opinions about life, the collective bargaining agreement and the fans of North American soccer.

"I'm right about so many things, and it angers me that more people don't know that", said Ramsey in an exclusive interview.

"It irritates me to no end when people get up in arms about things that I don't mind. For example, ownership is right most of the time, the coverage of the sport in the US is great, and the players in the collective bargaining agreement don't know how good they have it. Why, anyone anywhere can live on $37,00 per year. Not only that, but I know people who make far less money digging ditches and cleaning puke out of hedges. Shouldn't we think of all the atrocities in the world first before we think of soccer? I tend to think war, famine, poverty and global peace is more important than soccer. Players should be thinking of the hundreds of thousands of people dead of cholera in the 1800's and settle the Collective Bargaining Agreement. I deserve to see games, I deserve to be in the stadium, I don't care what the players get paid or what restrictions they have placed upon them. This is about my enjoyment, after all, and I deserve it"

Mr. Ramsey's twitter account, by his own admission, is used to inform people that are wrong how wrong they actually are.

"Groups of fans who get outraged about the things they are passionately interested in are the worst thing in North American soccer. It is important for me to be ahead of the curve and if someone is outraged about something I am against their outrage instantaneously. There is no room for sheeple in this game. I have to be against what they are against from the beginning. The only thing worse than fans who get outraged are fans who get outraged about fans that are outraged about things. If it happens that fans are outraged about other fans being outraged, I then ensure that I spend most of the day on twitter making snarky, pithy and dispassionate comments about the fans that are outraged and the fans who are outraged at their outrage."

TNN can confirm that friends of Mr Ramsey think he is a complete asshole, but they have been hanging out with him too long to just leave.

ESPN Takes Stand Against Players Union

Bristol, CT - North American Sports television station ESPN took a stand against the Major League Soccer (MLS) Players in solidarity with the MLS Owners on Tuesday issuing the following statement.

"While we like soccer money and soccer eyeballs (within reason this is America after all) we also like the owners and the billions of dollars they put into football, basketball and baseball even more. Let's be clear, 85% of our staff doesn't even care that North American Soccer exists outside of the US Men's National Team and the staff that does care like to either ritualistically trash the league against the perspective of American sports jingoism, frame a debate against the established European leagues, or is confined to a 30 minute show so that we can say we pander to the soccer crowd.

From this perspective we stand with the owners and we hope that they screw the players out of every possible  option that they could receive. Also, we will report very rarely on this Collective Bargaining Agreement confining it to small portions of our soccer specific show and minor blurbs of information about it here and there. Look, we have basketball drama and players thinking about Major League Baseball spring training on which to report."

In solidarity with ESPN, MLSSoccer.com has decided to not report anything at all, ever.

NYCFC Announce 50 Shades Of Grey Theme Night

NEW YORK CITY - New York City FC announce 50 Shades Of Grey Theme Night after requesting fan input on Theme Nights.

The NYCFC press release states that all participants in the 50 Shades Of Grey Theme Night will receive autographed Sheikh Mansour zip ties, a NYCFC branded flogger, and a set of ben-wa balls made with locally sourced stone from the Hudson river. Each set of ben-wa balls will be hand autographed by Derek Jeter and David Villa. The safe-word for the evening will be Lampard, and the club will have costumed servers available for drinks and paddling.

TNN has verified that in accordance with Sheikh Mansour's personal beliefs, no same sex BDSM mingling will be allowed at Yankee Stadium on 50 Shades Of Grey night.

Major League Soccer Announces Final Fantasy Soccer

NEW YORK CITY - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced a radical new partnership with Square Enix Global which will change the way in which MLS Fantasy Soccer will be played.

Brek Shea, pictured here, will have an ability to summon a Chocobo, for added speed.

“Today, Major League Soccer is going to move into the next millennium in terms of our online entertainment division and we have partnered with the most iconic Japanese Role Playing Game developer, Square Enix Global, in order to facilitate that”, said MLS director of fantasy games Ronald Dupris.

In a detailed press release the front office announced,in conjunction with Square Enix, a complete reconfiguration of all the data points in fantasy soccer including revamped statistics, methodology and game play in a way that would please even the hardest gamer nerd fan boy.

“Major League Soccer games will no longer depend just on goals, assists, and defensive performances, but rather on Hit Points, Mana Points, PVP battles, spells, enchantments, thrown items and whether or not you cast the correct spell at the right time to reflect attacks back at your opponent.”

An example of this is at the CDM position where players like Jermaine Jones  will have an HP of 300 with a MP of 400 and the ability to cast “Wall” (where he reflects magical charges) as long as someone like Dom Dwyer doesn't cast a break spell, which will totally lead to Jones' wall being dropped before Dwyer casts Meteo and smashes the back line apart, that is until Gonsalves tries to cast Ultima which TOTALLY blows up in his face because Benny Feilhaber has actually been summoning Bahamut in the background which owns, OWNS, Ultima point blank and leads to a goal, which generates a ton of XP for your team and allows you to equip them with Celestriad (The Economizer) which makes any player cast spells for 1 mp.

MLS also announced that Final Fantasy Soccer will contain multiple stories lines, managed by the front office, hidden characters that may transfer into your squad, and completely insane player acquisition methodology that hinders your squad when you are about to go in and face a final boss. Also, all MLS emergency squad players will be renamed to Cid and everyone who plays Final Fantasy Soccer will finish the game with the 46 elixers, 100 shurikens, and a spare Jalil Anibaba that you thought you would need at some point.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as players debate whether or not they REALLY need to use a cabin during the All-Star break.

LA Galaxy Honor Sponsor, Herbalife, With New Kit

Carson, CA - LA Galaxy unveiled their new team kits this week with a photo shoot to honor their kit supporter Herbalife. Cindy Pinoz, the liaison for the LA Galaxy creative department, was on hand to give insight and answer reporters questions.

“With all the success the club has had over the past few years we felt it was time to give tribute to a company that has provided years of support and like our team has grown strong and stable and will endure for many years. I don’t think I am way out of line to say that Herbalife is truly the company that represents LA Galaxy.

To capture this image our marketing department envisioned our two enterprises as being pyramids standing firm in the sand. We initially had the idea of flying the whole team over to the great pyramid of Giza to have the players model the kits but with middle east politics such as they are this was not going to be feasible. In addition Bruce Arena and our fitness staff were very Mad off our request to take players away just before the season starts.

Our creative team refused to give up and continued to scheme on how best to tie in this image of the pyramids. They then presented the idea of having a shoot in the sand and letting the name itself “Herbalife” represent a pyramid.

The plan was to drive out to the California desert but gas prices have increased too much over the past couple weeks and there are no electric car charging stations on the way. We then brought in some our creative team interns to sit with our senior members so we could come together with some true multi-level marketing. In the end we just decided to go 20 minutes over to the beach and just throw the kit on the ground and kick some sand on it and take a few pictures of it.”

Liga MX, NWSL, NASL, USL, NPSL, PDL, MASL, USASA, PCSL, Ligue1, and PLSQ announce that they will be starting on time.

A joint press release from Liga BBVA Bancomer MX, Acenso MX, Segunda Division de Mexico, Tercera Division de Mexico, the National Women's Soccer League, the North American Soccer League, the United Soccer League, the National Premier Soccer League, the Premier Development League, Major Arena Soccer League, the United States Adult Soccer Association, the Pacific Coast Soccer League, League1 Ontario, and the Premiere Ligue de soccer du Quebec announced today that they will be starting their seasons on time.

"We formally would like to announce that we currently have no labor strife and that our leagues will be starting their respective 2015/16 seasons on time." said the press release. 

This announcement means that Major League Soccer (MLS) is the only North American league currently with the possibility of delaying their upcoming season due to the current impasse between management and the players union. 

The press release finished with the statement, "Additionally, to clarify further rumors, none of us will be employing Freddy Adu this season, as well."

60,000 People In Orlando To Watch Bargaining Agreement Death Match

Orlando, FL - Orlando City Soccer Club today announced that they sold out the entirety of their ticket stock at the Citrus Bowl, 60,000, for their first ever game in Major League Soccer (MLS) on March 8th, 2015. Given the current labor impasse with Major League Soccer and the MLS Players Union, Orlando City announced that instead of a game of soccer they will split the players and the MLS Front Office staff into two groups and have them fight to the death.

"The idea really came about when Brek Shea was stoned, watching gladiator and painting while on holiday in Stoke-on-Trent in England", said Orlando City director of gladiatorial pursuits and water park development Rambone Jamison. "We decided to give both sides the chance to decide the fate of Major League Soccer in a mine filled, trap engorged, arena of death with lions and bears ready to leap on any stragglers that attempt to escape."

Contestants will be given the opportunity to pair with each other and work as a team, as long as it doesn't involve crossing picket lines and working as a scab. Contestants who wish to increase the odds against the other team can take 4 doses of very high potency, locally sourced Orlando acid which will reduce the number of weapons that the other team has to use against them. The usage of lawyers will be strictly disallowed, as this may cause both teams to turn on their common enemy before settling their own labor disagreement.

If no winner can be decided after 90 minutes, then the two sides will settle their labor dispute with a game of extreme tiddlywinks.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this situation as it develops.

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week Results - Week Of 2-23-15

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week results are in for the business week of February 23rd, 2015.

In response to "Which Place Will Get An MLS Team Next?'", the message and mandate was clear.

With an overwhelming 48% of the vote, the majority of you said Somewhere 20 Miles Away From Miami.

he Nutmeg News can report that it received, oddly enough, a mail in ballot from a D. Beckham that was a vote for, and we quote, "New Jersey because those assholes wont let me build a stadium that has live dolphins underneath a glass floor as a playing surface".

Also, much like Stan Kroenke's attention, "Actually In Denver" received limited attention with a scant 3% of the vote. Most of those voting for that option were from Denver themselves.