Toronto FC Make Jozy Altidore's Ankle Available For Further Questions

TORONTO - After facing a barrage of questions about the injury during the Major League Soccer (MLS) Cup press conference, Toronto FC (TFC) announced that they would be making Jozy Altidore's ankle available for further questions.

You want me to just put my leg up on the table? Would that help you out?

"We felt that the reporters didn't ask enough ankle questions of Altidore," stated TFC spokesman Doug Lewis. "We expect that another press conference of MLSSoccer.com reporters asking a player's ankle about the ankle's injury would help illuminate a few more columns on the blogs."

According to the pool reporters on site, they submitted questions after the Q/A was over asking for a statement on the weather from Altidore's ankle and whether Altidore's ankle was expecting to be kicked by Chad Marshall's foot.

"We need to get to the bottom of this ankle," stated writer for MLSSoccer.com Peter Oliviero. "It's very important."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Altidore's ankle attends the press conference in order to avoid being fined.

"Scarves Will Be Currency During The Coming Global Thermonuclear War"

The Nutmeg News accepts letters to the editor, and will publish them when deemed appropriate. You may send correspondence, rebuttals or opinions to mail@thenutmegnews.com

The information within does not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of The Nutmeg News or its affiliates.

Today's letter comes from Darrell McClintock of Harrisburg, PA.

"Friends and Fellow Nutters,

I write to you today from my nuclear fallout shelter that was just completed in the ground below my 18th Century house in Harrisburg to talk to you about the end times and how we will cope, financially.

That's right, I'm encouraging you to buy scarves! 

What?

Yes! At the end time, scarves will be THE preeminent currency during the coming global thermonuclear war.

Look at these smart financial investers.

PHOTO CREDIT: Vogue

In 2017 alone, famous clubs like Arsenal and Real Madrid have produced limited numbers of scarves that bet on hedge fund investing from football fans who are offering the financial infrastructure to support scarves and other tactile currency.

Gold is DEAD! Silver is DEAD! Scarves are the new currency! People thought it would be sneakers, but it will not be sneakers. The new currency for the decimated New Holy Christian Empire of the United States will be football scarves.

Yes, friends, as we sup upon the innards of the rotting, radiation sick animals in the fields of Danbury whilst looking over our shoulders for the ghouls incarnate who want to tear us limb from limb, we can wear our Atalanta scarf knowing that we can pay for some treated water that won't make us radiation sick.

Imagine understanding that you don't need to filter your pee and drink it, anymore, because you have a 1980's Millwall scarf that will provide for your family! No more pee drinking for THIS smart investor.

Oh for the coming times to arrive! Oh the Joy! Oh the passion! Oh the possibility of finding a can of beans!

Friends, I recommend that you diversify your portfolio into harder to obtain Eastern European scarves as the glut in the market in the Pacific Northwest will render MLS scarves into the Uzbekistani Som. You must trade in rare scarf fortunes before the market is flooded with pale imitations!

Yes, buy scarves and invest as the bubble continues to grow on bitcoin. When the EMP hits and the world shudders as 90% of human civilization and technology is destroyed, no one will have bitcoin, but you will still have your scarf collection and with that you will have class mobility. 

Onward and Upward, Friends! Invest in scarves! Save the commonwealth!"

Optimistic Toronto Ultra Considers Waxing Chest For MLS Cup

TORONTO - Aware of the fact that national television in both Canada and the United States would be broadcasting MLS Cup, optimistic Toronto Football Club ultra Aiden "scout" Pfeffer stated that he was considering waxing his chest for his typical shirtless goal celebration.

 USA Today Sports Images

"My nipples are resplendent and deserve to be seen away from my verdant and vibrant thatch of chest hair," stated Pfeffer to The Nutmeg News. 

"It's going to be freezing and I know that some people consider it bad luck, but I'm thinking of going for a good clean wax for this upcoming game so when Giovinco scores in the 64th minute I can just rip off my shirt without worrying about my current manscaping."

Pfeffer and his friends have long made it a tradition to rip their shirts off in celebration, defiance and drunkeness for TFC and this game is no different, despite the cold.

"If anything, the cold will really enhance the vibrancy of my nipples," stated Pfeffer. "We plan on getting shirtless early and often if the team provides it. This shirtless Canadian man isn't afraid of some cold weather."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pfeffer begins a debate about the natural fur movement and whether he should mousse his chest hair in stead.

US Soccer Fan Ready To Be Against Whoever Wins The USSF Presidency

BOSTON - US Soccer Fan Jerrod Van Hatten stated that he was ready to be against whoever wins the USSF Presidency as the simple fact that they COULD win indicates that they are part of the global conspiracy to keep soccer down in the United States.

"They all have problems," stated Mr. Van Hatten to The Nutmeg News. "I don't like any of them and no matter who wins, we are likely all going to lose."

With his naievete destroyed after finding out that the Iron Chef secret ingredient is actually not a secret to the chefs involved, Van Hatten lost all ability to argue positively for politics at any level.

"I've positioned myself to be against everything US Soccer because all I have is disgust, these days. I'm pretty certain that no matter what happens we are all going to lose, so bring on the candidates still affiliated with SUM who want to keep the status quo going. Let's ride that train to hell."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Van Hatten tries to nickname each of the USSF Presidential candidates before realizing he really doesn't care about all 8 enough to come up with ones beyond The Deep State, Big Hair and the Egomaniac.

Lack Of Supporters Group Recognition Upsets Supporter Who Doesn't Take Any Credit For His Work

Seattle, WA - Despite ensuring that he takes absolutely zero credit for any of the banners, two-poles, T.I.F.O, and merchandise that he creates, Sounders fan Zach Quisenberry was reportedly very upset that no one knows what he does in the Emerald City Supporters (ECS).

PHOTO: @ECSTifo

Friends state that Quisenberry overheard a conversation between two fans at the recent Sounders v Houston playoff game regarding their disappointment in the available merchandise this year for the ECS.

"I don't want any of the glory for what I do, but you should know that I'm singularly responsible for what you enjoy on matchday and the t-shirts that you are currently wearing were designed by me and my friends," stated Quisenberry to a group of new Sounders fans. "You need to understand the history of this supporters group to understand what the older fans had to go through in order to create the atmosphere that you so casually enjoy without a lick of effort."

According to surrounding fans, Quisenberry was asked, "Who are you?" and, "What are you talking about?"

The long time Sounders fan stated, "You should know," before storming off without giving an explanation.

The Nutmeg News caught up with Quisenberry today to ask him about the scenario and he stated, "I don't want any credit for what I do. I'm not in this for the fame and recognition. It seems like the new fans don't understand what we had to go through to get where we are today. They don't know our legacy. It's not our responsibility to explain that, though. They should just learn, somehow."

When asked whether he would explain to new supporters what he and his friends did for the ECS or what new fans should know about the people that contributed to the supporters group, Quisenberry stated, "Good fans don't take credit for things in the supporters group and we don't document what we do with journos." Quisenberry then stormed out of our interview and logged onto twitter to complain about the interview that he scheduled with our journalist.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Quisenberry is still very upset about the lack of recognition for his work

Toronto Staff Start Defrosting Frozen Reporter From 2016 MLS Cup

TORONTO - Staff from Toronto Football Club (TFC) began defrosting on-field soccer reporter Carla Overbeek who remained in a state of suspended animation within a 2 foot ice block after 2016 MLS Cup.

"So......... who scored?"

"We thought that since it was going to be Toronto v Seattle again that this would be the perfect time to wake her up," stated groundskeeper Tommy Maclavay. "The ice has slowly been melting over the last year, but when she comes out of it we are just going to slowly acclimate her to the fact that it is 2017."

Overbeek was frozen in a solid block of ice while attempting to obtain Greg Vanney's opinion on the first half of the 2016 MLS Cup game. Friends and family expressed concern about her condition but admitted they didn't know a better way to defrost Overbeek than to just let it happen. Officials with BMO Field stated that they finally put a heater on the reporter in order to get her out before another cold snap hits.

"We are almost there," stated wife Susan Overbeek. "Only one more week and she'll be ready to get back at it. Hopefully we can get her free before she gets trapped in another glacier like condition."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Overbeek finds out that she didn't miss much from the first game.

Desperate Fan Turns To NCAA Soccer To Stave Off Tremors

Fort Wayne, IN - Desperate soccer fan Ed Tyler sunk to a new low, Friday, as he planned to turn to NCAA Soccer in order to stave off the the Tremors that started happening after the soccer flushed out of his system Friday morning.

"I just need a taste, a fix... something to get me to the weekend when NBC shows up with some clean and uncut Premier League," stated Tyler to The Nutmeg News as he demanded more blankets from his recalcitrant cat Cristiano. "I'll just crush up some NCAA soccer and free base that tonight alongside some pizza rolls. I'll be fine."

According to friends, Mr Tyler increased his soccer usage over the last six months until he was using once per day. Over the past few weeks he started using twice or even three times a day as he went from MLS games to second division Argentinian league games streamed over Youtube live.

"He hasn't been the same since he discovered he could just get soccer all the time online," stated former friend Thomas Zubaj. "I had to kick him out of the house. He kept on stealing the laptop and would go off to a room or a closet to use soccer. It was getting so bad that he was even using at work."

For his part, Mr. Tyler stated that he sees no problem with using NCAA soccer to get to the weekend as he states, "I don't have a problem. I don't see why more people aren't concerned with Indiana v Michigan State. I tried to use synthetics to get off soccer, but it wouldn't take. I just don't get the warmth from FIFA 2018 that I get when I can ingest a Bolivian soccer match in 240p."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as friends discover Tyler passed out in his own bed after a 24 hour binge of soccer.

US Fan Unable To Pledge Support To World Cup Team Until 23 And Me Kit Arrives

BOSTON - Every-four-year soccer supporter Dale Smith stated that he was unable to pledge his undying patriotic love to any current world cup team until his 23 And Me kit arrives that he ordered on Cyber Monday.

Am I a Denmark fan? German? This box will tell me everything!

"My mom told me that her side of the family is Scandinavian, so I might be rooting for Iceland or Sweden," stated Smith to The Nutmeg News. "However, on my dad's side of the family it is all a mess. English immigrants who had branches of the family from France and I have one great, great, great Grandmother who is Russian, supposedly."

Smith is a steadfast watcher of the important games for the United States Men's Team and was forced to find a new team when the United States bombed out of the qualification for the World Cup.

"Fortunately, like nearly every single person in the United States, I'm a composite of immigrants from other countries. That way I can root for nearly any country in the world and use the 23 And Me results to confirm that this is ok."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as his DNA testing kit shows that Smith is 16% African.