"Both Our Men's And Women's Soccer Teams Will Play On Bad Turf," - US Soccer Federation Mandates Equality

NEW YORK - Sunil Gulati today announced that the US Soccer Federation will mandate equality between the sexes by ensuring that, "Both our men's and women's soccer teams will play on bad turf."

Just imagine the ACL's that can be lost to this.

Gulati had the following to say, "After the complaints by our players for the World Cup Winning United States Women's team (tm), we realized that we weren't giving our Men's team the same opportunity to play on career threatening poorly laid sod and turf. We made it our prerogative to double down on the setup of our women's team to ensure that our men's team hates the games that they are forced to play in order to keep our federation solvent since we haven't taken any world cup bribes, yet."

While the US Soccer Federation is finding a reason to make the games that the United States men play even more difficult to watch, the women of United States soccer have drawn a line in the sand used to fill in bare spots where the turf isn't appropriately nailed down.

"We have become so accustomed to playing on whatever surface is put in front of us, but we need to realize that our protection — our safety — is priority No. 1." - stated the United States women's soccer team.

The Nutmeg News asked US Soccer for a comment on this and they stated, "Haters gonna hate. Our player pool is so deep on the women's side that we will just replace them all. What are they going to do? Depend on the NWSL for their livelihood? They will play on the worst possible turf and they will like it or they can go sit at home."

Glory Hunter From Oklahoma Confused With Leicester City Position

Tulsa, OK - Soccer fan and admitted glory hunter Davis Hansen has admitted that he is very confused by the current position of Leicester City in the Barclay's Premier League. 

"I refuse to support Chelsea if they are just going to sit in 14th all season." - Davis Hansen

"I got into soccer to root for teams that I could watch on television, buy their shirt easily and would win consistently. Right now, I can actually do that with Leicester City but I know that this isn't going to last and it is very confusing."

Mr. Hansen admitted that in the past few years he has collected the team kits and been a fan of Chelsea FC, Manchester City and Manchester United but admitted that he is having a hard time making the transition to supporting Leicester City.

"I'm a glory hunter, not a hipster. I know that Leicester are going to fall off the pace soon and I just want to be in the right position to support the winning team. If I go all in on a Jamie Vardy kit NOW, where will I be at the end of the year? Leicester just need to start losing so I can figure out if this is the year I buy an Aaron Ramsey Arsenal kit."

While Mr. Hansen stated that his fan allegiance is up for grabs, he admitted that keeping up standards is important. "I'm not here to support the underdog. That's for my friend Harry who likes teams like Stoke and Sunderland so that he can feel something in his life in between his 10:00 am doctors appointments and his daughters soccer practice. No, as I stated, I'm not an underdog or a hipster, I support winning teams because I'm a winner. And as soon as I can figure out what that winning team is, I'm all on board."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Hansen tries to rationalize his wife's obsession with Luton Town FC.

Fans With Personalized Kits Remain Terrified Of MLS Offseason

Kansas City, KS - Diana Albertson bought a personalized Paulo Nagamura jersey last season and was found clutching her kit while rocking in her office chair as the Major League Soccer offseason began.

Vintage Paulo

"It cost me $120 dollars," said Ms Albertson. "We can't lose him. Hell, forget 'we' for a second... I can't lose him, I invested this money into a Nagamura kit. I just can't."

While Ms Albertson may have made the mistake of buying a named jersey from a league that trades players around like they are penny stocks, there are signs that she will be protected this season. "Everyone is telling me that Paulo will stay, but seriously. What am I supposed to do when he gets traded? I'm going to keep wearing this kit I tell you. One hundred and twenty dollars... ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY DOLLARS honestly, c'mon."

While Ms. Albertson may feel slightly secure, the same cannot be said of D.C. United fan Jeremy Thorgood who recently purchased a D.C. United home Chris Pontius kit, before the player was traded to Philadelphia.

The Nutmeg News reached out to Mr. Thorgood who had the following to say, "WELL, GODDAMMIT"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as your favorite player gets a rumor started about him going to another team in about 4 hours from now.

Crew Fan Excited For Second Leg Of Championship Game

Columbus, OH - Columbus Crew fan Frank Broadstreet said that he was very excited for the second leg of the MLS Championship game back in Portland.

"C'mon guys, keep the energy up! We can get them in Portland!" - Frank Broadstreet

"Yes, we didn't perform as well as we wanted at home, but we have the weapons to come back on Portland on the road." said a confused Mr. Broadstreet to his friends.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Broadstreet's wife Carolyn about his statements and she had the following to say, "He really just isn't coping with this very well."

The reality of the situation aside, Mr. Broadstreet spent most of Sunday evening looking at plane fares to Portland, Oregon before calling up friends to see if they were going to make the trip.

"I would love to win at home, but I can't wait to take the MLS Cup in front of their fans," he stated repeatedly as he stared at his computer screen with the television off in his basement.

"I just hope he can come to some kind of acceptance of the situation," said Carolyn Broadstreet. "I don't know how long he is going to look at plane fares down there, but I'm not going to interrupt him until he is finished whimpering at pictures of Kei Kamara and Orbitz discounts. Plus I found a place to stream The Great British Baking Show and that is the only thing taking my mind off the game this weekend."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Broadstreet progresses through the stages of grief.

Timbers Fans Celebrate Despite Knowledge Of Major League Soccer's Standing On A Global Level

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers fans wildly celebrated their championship victory in Major League Soccer on Sunday evening despite a full understanding of Major League Soccer's standing on a global level.

Timbers fans celebrate despite the knowledge of only being a great team in a horrible league. Photo Credit: The Oregonian

"I know that Major League Soccer is not a tier 1 league in the world and that the players within the league wouldn't make the starting lineup at Stoke much less Chelsea, but somehow I feel compelled to actually celebrate this win anyway" said Timbers fan Ron Gregory. 

With celebrations in Portland spilling out to the street, fans everywhere partied on despite the knowledge that their team plays in a really inferior league.

"According to all international and North American media sources I should be sitting at home, not watching MLS, not watching the Timbers, and bemoaning the league as a sham operation that bilks hard working consumers out of their money," said Sandra Ospina "However, my team just won so I feel like celebrating despite these facts that people keep telling me. While everyone everywhere knows that you watch a league because players were really good, make a lot of money, and get great television ratings, this whole cheering for your local team thing has been fun."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the celebrations from Portland as they appropriately dismiss the Timbers and plan a parade for Bournemouth's standard of play in the English Premier League.

National Journalist Quickly Googles Relevant Information Necessary To Cover MLS Cup

Columbus, OH - National journalist Thomas Franz admitted that he has quickly googled the relevant information he needs to accurately cover Major League Soccer's final game this weekend.

"How do you feel about the Aaron Rodgers hail mary pass last night and would you like to show me how you throw a football?"

"I spent about 5 minutes looking up the team names, where they play, their rosters and their coaches before picking up my all access press pass" said Franz to his wife on a quick cell phone call Friday. "I guess they want me to ask some questions during this press release so I'm going to ask the English kid on that one team about how he likes the playoffs."

Franz admitted that he hardly pays attention to the league while it is running during the middle of the season as he stated, "With Baseball, Tennis and Golf it is impossible for me to actually watch soccer games. I catch a few international games and tweet about it, but even then I only watch about 10 minutes before I change the channel. However, my news agency needs some coverage from this weekend and I couldn't get on the NFL beat this weekend, so I guess there are worse things than a free trip to Columbus."

While Franz admits that he is using google to stock his knowledge of the game, there is one thing he admitted he needs no help with, "I'm completely going to interview Crew Cat with some zany media bits about where he likes to eat in Columbus. That'll kill a few minutes and I won't have to use my per diem to buy lunch. I'll see if I can get some of the alumni of the Crewzers to help out and we should be good to go."

CREWZERS!

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr Franz when he finally gets his answer to his media day question of, "How does it feel to be in the final?"

Red Bull New York Fan Finally Emerges From Blanket Fort Of Sadness

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York (RBNY) Fan Deryk Hannover finally emerged from his self titled "blanket fort of sadness" after the elimination of Red Bull from the Major League Soccer (MLS) playoffs on Sunday.

Now fortified with Morrissey poems and red wine!

While poking his head out of a canvas flap Mr. Hannover stated, "I just needed a place to retreat from social media, soccer and the playoffs for a few days and this seemed like the best way to do it."

With a supply list that included a self curated list of lyrics by Morrissey arranged in iambic pentameter, the first season of Reading Rainbow, Roald Dahl's The BFG, and two large jugs of Carlo Rossi Blush, Mr Hannover remained inside his fort for 5 days attempting to find a way to face the day again.

"Things really turned around when I went from Morrissey to Fiona Apple to Nelly Furtado. I'm just going to say that 'I'm like a bird' really got me to a point where I could watch the highlights of Bradley Wright-Phillips from this season," said a trembling Mr. Hannover. "I'm finally understanding the arc of the season and I can enjoy it for what it was. Thankfully I have reached a point in my life where I want to continue on with a normal life rather than stay in the interior of what I call my Fort Of Sadness."

The Nutmeg News can confirm that Mr Hannover thought about returning when he checked his twitter feed, but he stayed strong and remained committed to his recovery.

Columbus Sees Influx Of Vegan And Gluten Free Sex Workers For MLS Cup

In the interests of journalistic integrity, The Nutmeg News editors kept the words issued herein verbatim from our interview to reflect the authenticity of the situation in Columbus.. The views of the individuals in this story do not reflect that of The Nutmeg News, its editors and most of its interns.

Columbus, OH - With the Major League Soccer (MLS) Final only days away, the city of Columbus is preparing itself for the thousands of Portland Timbers fans to arrive. As with all major sporting events, prostitution trafficking spikes as pimps shuttle in sex workers from all the neighboring cities to try and meet the rising demand. However, as many pimps are now discovering, Portland residents are more discerning in their tastes and are creating a new twist for the world’s oldest profession.

"Do you or any of your lady friends know about bio-regional separation and secession? 

“We quickly realized we were going to have to change up our game,” stated area pimp Reverend Big Spenda. “You see, we have a customer here with a very unique taste and world conscious mindset. I can’t just open up my stable and send my hoes running willy-nilly into the streets to shake their ass and think that’s going to work like it does with Ohio State fans.”

We asked Reverend Big Spenda how he plans to meet these new demands. “Bitches need education. They need to know how to communicate and connect with these fans on their level. If one of my hoes can name me five craft beers I send her out to prime hotel locations directly. If one can explain what gluten actually is, she’s out on the street on my choice blocks. If one of my women can give me a reason why a water supply shouldn't be fluoridated, she gets the high dollar rate. But if any of my fine ladies is unable to separate trash into the proper bins, well then they get shown the door. Reverend Big Spenda keeps his pimp hand strong, and you best be knowing compost vs garbage, straight truth.”

While some pimps find themselves struggling, others are finding that the influx of Timbers fans fosters the optimal breeding ground for the environmentally conscious pimp looking to boost their profits while reducing their carbon footprint.

“I didn’t know if I could supply what these Timber fans wanted,” says Sugar Dick Man Poppa Large, winner of the 2013 Rust Belt Pimp of the Year contest. “While I’ve got hoes that can lick their own belly-buttons not a single one of them could keep up a conversation on free trade agreements. I decided that I needed to change myself to better understand my customer and better myself. I started by swapping out my ’64 Impala for a hybrid. I made all my girls go vegan. I even tried riding my bike more but it’s nearly impossible in 8-inch platforms. I’m now feel like I’m doing my part to save the planet while my girls are turning tricks and earning $60 for a half-and-half. Dicks up, emissions down.”

Not all area pimps are so quick to change their game. One pimp who agreed to speak to us on the condition of anonymity went on record saying, “Hey, clearly these Portland fools ain’t got no taste or style. Shit, my momma could give them an around the world and they’d switch teams and root against themselves. Motherfuckers don’t even know.”

Man Tries To Figure Out How Many Migrant Workers Have To Die Before He Stops Watching The FIFA World Cup

Topeka, KS - David Lawrence admits that he is the kind of fan that only watches soccer every four years, but even he is concerned about the current conditions in both Russia and Qatar when it comes to the upcoming world cup.

"None of those guys were probably named Steve, so it is like I didn't even know them" - David Lawrence

"I don't know them, so it makes it easier to imagine that this grand spectacle of soccer that I vicariously enjoy from my couch was just put on my magical gnomes," said Lawrence to a close group of friends. "Yes, I know that many people have died and that countless more live in some kind of slavery where their passports are held and they are forced to work for low or non-existent wages, but none of you are going to remember that in 7 years when soccer kicks off in the winter and everyone craps themselves about their national teams" 

Mr Lawrence admitted that he is trying to create some kind of algorithm or acceptable loss amount by which he can enjoy his 2022 Qatar World Cup if perhaps only 1,999 people died building the 2022 Qatar World Cup, but not enjoying the grand exposition if 2,000 people died. 

"Right, but again... likely none of those guys were named John Smith, so how much sympathy can I have for them" - David Lawrence

"The trick is to not imagine the human suffering that is being utilized to put on an event for my entertainment. I'm just trying to figure out how many people have to suffer before my break over point is reached regarding international sport and the FIFA world Cup," stated Mr Lawrence

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Mr Lawrence dons his American flag cape and runs the streets screaming USA-USA.

"TEXT ME WHEN IT'S OVER," Area Man Already Tired Of Both Teams In MLS Cup

Orlando, FL - Brandon Killien, a professional waiter at Applebees and nightime supervisor of cleanup at Toojay's Gourmet Deli, has publicly stated that he is already tired of both teams in Major League Soccer (MLS) Cup and the news surrounding them.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW MORE?!

WOULD YOU?

WOULD YOU?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW MORE?!

"Man, text me when all this stuff is over and done. I' already just so incredibly tired of all these stories" said Mr Killien. "I can't get away from MLS Cup and the teams playing in that game anywhere online, there's stories about Portland everywhere I look on Reddit, there's stories about Columbus everywhere I look on Twitter, there's nothing everywhere I look on Yik-Yak except boner pics. I'm just done with the whole fucking thing and it's only Wednesday."

With many fans in soccer unused to the metric (and measured) size amount of championship bullshit that comes out before the final match of the season, many are drowning in a sea of poorly written and investigated stories that have something to tell but end up telling nothing at all.

"Look, Orlando City has been done for nearly 3 months now," said M.r Killien. "I'm ready for the player release, the draft (if there is one), for all that stuff. I'm ready to head back with my bros to the stadium, slam some mountain dew with some brewskis, and cheer on Brek 'Deeeez Nuuuuts' Shea. I'd just love to hear anything... ANYTHING... about my team right now."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Killien plots his revenge to become the most annoying fan on the face of the planet when Orlando City make the MLS Cup playoffs sponsored by Daewoo in 10 years.

Architecture Firm Updates LAFC Stadium Plan To Depressingly Realistic Depiction Of Empty Lot

LOS ANGELES - Architecture firm Deloitte, Touche, Robertson and Gramble have revised their Los Angeles Football Club stadium rendering to be more accurate to the teams current situation by showing an empty vacant lot.

LAFC's "Advocare Stadium": Accurate to scale

The Nutmeg News spoke to LAFC public relations director and professional recording artist DJ BLING_BLANG Ca$hM0ney about the nascent clubs new direction. 

"We wanted something funky fresh and on fleek for our totally wicked generation of millennials that can see through all the fervor and totally mocked up bullshit passion that other teams provide in their stadium renderings" said DJ BLING_BLANG Ca$hM0ney

With Sacramento Republic unveiling their stadium renderings of a proposed stadium in Sacramento, now was an especially relevent time for LAFC to inject themselves into a publicity situation that had nothing to do with them. "We thought that the dope followers that we have would love to see what we are holdin." said DJ BLING_BLANG Ca$hM0ney 

"Our target demographic knows bullshit graphic points when they seem them. They are far too cynical for happy people waving flags. That's why we are active only on Voat and Snapchat." - DJ BLING_BLANG Ca$hM0ney

The Nutmeg News will have more on LAFC when they put their theoretical team entrance music to a twitter poll.

NYCFC Announce 50% Increase On Season Ticket Renewals From 2013 And 2014

NEW YORK - New York City Football Club (NYCFC) announced on Tuesday morning an increase of 50% in their season ticket renewal numbers from their 2013 and 2014 seasons.

You can use math and graphs to prove anything. LOOK AT THAT GROWTH!

"We are happy to announce that we have increased the number of season ticket renewals from 0% in 2013 and 2014 to 50% of our current season ticket holders at the end of 2015. While that is dramatically lower than what we wanted, we felt that this was a great way to spin our major issues with the dissatisfaction felt by our fan-base after only one year," stated director of Public Relations for NYCFC Ismael Yanez.

NYCFC have reportedly thought long and hard about the ways to fix this issue with their 50% renewal rate and stated that they will invest heavily in more retiring European superstars even making a call to see if German international Gerd Muller is available in order to bring in the 70's mustache demographic.

DREAMY!

The Nutmeg News will have more on this in a positive way as NYCFC buys and sells our publication with the money they make on 1% of their compound interest.

Woman Already Nostalgic For The Time When You Could Buy A Ticket To MLS Cup On Game Day

CHICAGO - Fire fan and long time soccer aficionado Hannah Gotschalk has admitted that she is nostalgic for the time when you could buy a ticket to Major League Soccer (MLS) Cup on gameday without having to worry about it being sold out.

The more things change the more they stay the same.

"I remember when teams were desperate to sell tickets to MLS Cup and the neutral sites would only be mostly full with dispassionate fans wondering what this sport was, if their city had a soccer team, and whether their team should be in the finals. Those were the days, kids," said a wistful Gotschalk to her friends at Emporium Arcade Bar on Monday night. 

Ms. Gotschalk continued her long winded diatribe stating, "Why, you could get discount purchase deals on MLS cup and there would be people nearly offering tickets for free and now I cant get into the game for under $130 dollars. There were hardly any nationally televised games, no teams in the north west, the Colorado Rapids played in green and we liked it that way. I tell you, money is ruining the game in North America. We were there before it was cool and I don't care how hipster that sounds, but soccer is just being killed, being KILLED in this country one sold out venue at a time."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Ms. Gotschalk tearfully talks about how you used to be amazed if you found a bar with Setanta Sports that would allow you to watch games from Europe.

Crew Fans Continue Anti-Authoritarian Supporters Group By Disbanding Into Leaderless Collectives

Columbus, OH - Already renowned for their strict adherence to an anti-capo, leaderless chant state in the stands, Columbus Crew fans decided for MLS Cup to disband into leaderless collectives focused on dispersing power structures to the many.

A meeting was made between banner designers who came to the understanding that some people may or may not create banners at a time in which they may be displayed if the time agrees with everyone and the message and the methodology both are consistent with current orthodoxy.

"We are strictly anti-authoritarian, anti-capo, anti-dictator, pro-agrarian leaderless collectives that are built around a general but non-specific physical and gender-less love of the Columbus Crew in all its forms" stated the dissimilar elected spokespeople of their collective factions.

The Nutmeg News spoke to one of the faction deputies who was given the task of speaking to the press on the manner and they had the following to say. "We, with the new anarchic Crew fan groups, want to promote decentralized, anti-capitalist leadership who are tacitly united against all forms of the centralized capo-led patriarchy typical of our lesser than equal compatriots in Major League Soccer. This includes the overproduced and emphatically bloated Emerald City Supporters with their megaphones, speakers, and centralized capos and the heavily industrialized and faux-militarized Timbers Army. We with the collective of dissimilar and un-united Crew fans stand against such usage of core centralized foundations and remain united around the team as we rally to the cry of NO CAPOS provided of course that a quorum of fans vote upon the idea of what being a Columbus crew fan is, what that ethos means to them and what it means to be a Crew fan within a small collective faction."  

Reportedly this stress on anti-authoritarian, anti-capo is expanding into stadium infrastructure as Crew fans in supporters groups are now feeling confident enough to exist outside the confine of the Nordecke. One collective member stated, "While we appreciate the Nordecke, it is itself a prison for our ethos. We will find our better expression of our reality of being anti-capo by expanding out into the far corners of Mapfre in order to better serve our fellow fans with chants and banners."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as rogue splinter groups of Crew fans stand up to create factions with strong leadership that endorse the capo methodology and are justly labeled as splitters.