Toledo, OH - USMNT super fan Deryk Jacobson stated that, “literally everything ever that has ever been in the known universe depends upon the result of the upcoming United States Men’s National Team (USMNT) game.”
“EVERYTHING IS IN PLAY,” stated Jacobson to The Nutmeg News. “My happiness! The future of soccer in the United States! The future of soccer locally! The future of the youth! The World Cup! The Gold Cup! The future of games in Columbus! The legacy of Tyler Adams! The legacy of Berhalter! The future of my relationship with Sarah! The discovery of cold fusion! The PRACTICAL USE OF THE OXFORD COMMA! Electricity without fossil fuels! A resolution to global warming! The disproportionate reporting on pandas! Dancing bears! Dancing Penguins! WHETHER WE USE A SASH IN OUR KIT IN THE FUTURE! It’s all to play for!”
Friends state that Jacobson has slowly but surely become more and more strident in his insane beliefs that these national team games have some relevance beyond the games themselves.
“THIS IS A STATEMENT,” ranted Jacobson to a computer screen as he actively commented on anything with a USMNT hashtag. “THIS WHOLE GAME IS A STATEMENT AND IT MEANS EVERYTHING TO EVERYONE ABOUT EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE FUTURE OF OUR PLAYERS OVERSEAS WHICH WILL RESULT IN THE WORLD CUP IN 4 YEARS TIME UNLESS BERHALTER DOESNT PLAY OUR STARTING 11 TONIGHT WHICH WILL RESULT IN THE END OF TIMES AS WE ALL KNOW IT. DEAR GOD! HOW CAN WE LIVE THUS! NOMORESUMCONTROLLEDLEAGUEMLSSENDSOURBESTPLAYERSWHATABOUTPEPISTARTING!”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jacobson takes to Twitter to goad other people into a similar state of psychosis.