Minneapolis, MN - American soccer fan and Newcastle United enthusiast Paul Smith celebrated the annual return of Boxing Day by going to work and pretending everyone there gives a shit about the soccer games on the day as he tried to stream the Newcastle v Liverpool game using a phone carefully positioned on his knee below his cubicle desk.
“Great day for the premier league,” stated Smith to a collected grouping of co-workers attempting to pour coffee and make oatmeal out of the hot water tap on the coffee machine while avoiding general eye contact with each other. “Really big implications at the top, you know.”
According to co-workers, no one who showed up to work today gives a shit about Boxing Day or the Premier League as they dutifully stare at their cubicle wall trapped in a hell of their own making as they contemplate whether it is too late to go run a dive shop on a beach somewhere on a remote Pacific island.
“Hoo boy, I bet that Benitez can really exploit some space behind the back line if we can just stop giving up the ball in our defensive third,” stated Smith to the departing backside of work-friend James Murphy who was in no mood to listen to anything to do with soccer after he spent all day yesterday attempting to rescue a drone he accidentally flew onto the roof of his apartment complex.
Smith attempted to pretend that he wasn’t at work by wearing a new Minnesota Vikings sweatshirt given to him by his Grandmother and draping a Newcastle scarf over his cubicle wall in order to have his every appearance on the day unsuccessfully scream, “I AM NOT AT WORK.”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smith attempts to stream the Arsenal game in the bathroom stall at work while forgetting that the speaker volume on his phone is on max.