Portland Timbers Owner Hank Paulson Calls For Bailout Of Seatgeek

Portland, OR - Concerned about the viability and effect of website outages causing a severe drop in ticket purchases, Portland Timbers owner Hank Paulson called for an immediate bailout of the ticket reseller Seatgeek.

“The longer this website is not functional, the more that I am troubled that we will not be able to service our fans with $500 general admission tickets,” stated Paulson to his staff.

According to insiders, Paulson called for the Timbers fans to use hundreds of billions of dollars to help Seatgeek clean up nonperforming tickets threatening the liquidity of the reseller.

“We MUST stabilize our ticket market. This could have a dire domino effect to the rest of the world. If Seatgeek fails then Ticketmaster, Stubhub and Vivid Seats are next! We MUST inject a high amount of capital into Seatgeek NOW!”

Paulson said he was disgusted to see fans who didn’t get tickets today. “That’s 500 dollars they could be spending that could build our great atmosphere, which lets be honest, is a fair price for the experience of America’s greatest soccer atmosphere.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as members of the Timbers Army respond with a 13 post twitter thread.

Linguistics Professors Excited As Revolution Introduce MLS Next Pro Team "Revolution II, Too"

INTERNET - Linguists were excited when the New England Revolution announced that they would enter a team in the MLS Next Pro league called New England Revolution II, Too.

“We’re so excited that the front office of the team is keeping the original Revolution II, while also having another youth team that is also Revolution II but different than the original,” stated Professor Jefferson Torrence, director of Symbology and Linguistics at Harvard of Toledo. “It's the Revolution II, Too, or the Revolution II, As Well. I am very excited about this new intersection of language and sporting teams. It really allows a fully esoteric branch of naming conventions.”

Sources say that the team worked with experts to identify a way to delineate between the Revolution II and the Revolution II, Too and felt that this was a clear way to chart a path forward.

“I’m very impressed they didn’t do the trite Revolution II.5 that we here in the linguistics community were expecting,” stated Professor Tony Williams. “This is a clear definition, but also an artful display of language. The comma usage alone is absolutely top class. As we all know, when using the word too, you only need to use a comma before it for emphasis. According to The Chicago Manual of Style, a comma before too should be used only to note an abrupt shift in thought. This comma usage clearly delineates between Revolution II in USL League One and Revolution II, Too in MLS Next Pro.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as North Texas SC renames to Dallas FC II, But Also Not Really.

NYCFC Fan Excited To Travel To Portland For The First Time Since Proud Boys Rally

NEW YORK - NYCFC supporter Tony Aaronson stated that he was excited to travel to Portland for the first time since the Portland Proud Boys rally as he readied for the upcoming MLS Cup game.

“Excited to be returning to this beautiful city for pleasure instead of work this time.” said Aaronson. “It’s a different kind of scarf and banners trip this time.”

Attempting to keep it casual, Aaronson stated that he would be bringing his Fred Perry shirt, but this time in NYCFC colors.

“This is NYCFC colors, that’s it… I promise,” stated Aaronson as he stuffed a blue lined American flag into his bag. “I’m just out there to support the boys.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Aaronson double checks to see if he’s on a no fly list.

Two Time Schuykill River Men's Recreational Soccer League Over 40 Goalkeeper Of The Year Makes Himself Available To The Philadelphia Union

Philadelphia, PA - After reports started coming in of potentially a massive number of Philadelphia Union players being out due to health and safety concerns, Gary Evans, the two time Schuykill River Men’s recreational over 40 goalkeeper of the year, made himself available to the team.

“I’m ready to go,” stated Evans through his agent, himself. “I’ve got my gloves and I already am starting to stretch and I should be loosened up by the time the game kicks off tomorrow as long as I don’t forget my glucosamine and my theragun.”

With 11 players potentially out including Andre Blake and Joe Bendik, Evans seized the opportunity to put himself into the spotlight.

“I’m fit, I’m in good form and I’m ready to go,” stated Evans. “Trust me when I say that I can cover the net and the field. I can even play as a striker if needed. I’ve been known to score a cheeky goal form time to time and still make it back to play my position.”

Sources privy to the details of Evans demands of the Union indicate that Evans asked for the #! kit, a roll of athletic KT tape and a centerback who can take goalkicks for him as he, “just doesn’t have the distance.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Union try to call up everyone from the USL.

Philadelphia Union Offer One Supporters Group Seat To NYCFC Away Fans

Philadelphia, PA - Sources with the supporters groups of NYCFC indicate that the Philadelphia Union have restricted their available seats for the upcoming playoff game even further as the Union offered one supporters group seat to NYCFC away fans.

If you look with binoculars you can make out the individual seat high up on the bridge in the distance.

“We know these dudes like to steal seats too, so were minimizing our sacrificing to one chair,” sated one anonymous Union employee. “It’s not rude, it’s a precaution.”

Publicly, Union officials feel they are justified as they stated, “It’s not about maximizing home field advantage, it’s about being fair to the millions of Union fans who want to see us in the playoffs, and them adding to the home feel to our players.”

However, the undue restrictions have NYCFC fans crying foul as they queued up in an online distribution system to see which lucky fan would be able to take in the upcoming playoff game.

“This is completely and utterly isnane and a total betrayal of supporters group culture and the very fabric of soccer in the entirety of the world…… but at least I don’t have to travel to Hartford again, so that’s a win,” stated one NYCFC fan.

The Nutmeg News will have more as the Philadelphia Union figure out during which designated 2 minute slot the NYCFC fan can perform chants.

Chicago Red Stars "December To Remember" Sales Event Features Low Mileage Midfielders And Lease Options On Goalkeepers

CHICAGO - On a day filled with blockbuster trades, the Chicago Red Stars, today, launched their “December To Remember,” sale as they moved six players to other teams in the league.

“WE ARE WHEELING AND DEALING AND OPEN FOR BUSINESS,” stated the Red Stars staff. “Look at this low mileage midfielder! Why she barely has any game time at all!”

Sources indicate that the Red Stars were offering low financing options and signing gifts for the teams if they decide to take a player home.

“Buy one get one 50% off,” stated the Red Stars advertisement. “Each midfielder comes with a set of practice cones, a Chipotle gift card, and a 30 day money back guarantee. Come take a look at our goalkeepers now available at our low, low 3% interest rates.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Red Stars claim that the terms and conditions of the sale indicate that you can’t return a player if they break down once they leave the team.

Nashville SC Scrambles To Add Above Goal Net To New Stadium

Nashville, TN - Following a spate of saved and flagrantly missed penalty kicks that ended their playoff run, the front office of Nashville SC scrambled to add a net above the goal mouth at their new stadium.

“We must keep the cars that our fans drive to the stadium safe,” stated Nashville SC representative Jerrod Hall. “With the errant balls flying out of the stadium and moving to a smaller stadium footprint, we decided to be forward thinking in protecting our fans and their vehicles.”

Sources indicate that multiple fans called the front office to voice their concerns about getting a ball smashed into their face or into their windshield from future errant penalty kicks. This outcry lead to the change in safety standards.

“I mean, all you need to do is watch the last few minutes of that game and you have to wonder,” stated Nashville fan Jerome Wolf., “Is my Daewoo Lanos going to be safe in the far parking lot?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wolf begins to park his car in his garage and take a Lyft into the stadium…. just to be safe.

MLS Institutes “Mandatory Shot On Goal” Rule After RSL/Sounders Debacle

Seattle, WA - Major League Soccer, today, instituted a “mandatory shot on goal” rule after Real Salt Lake went through in the MLS playoffs without having a single recorded shot on goal.

"We are hereby mandating that the winning team must register at least one shot on goal,” stated the MLS press release. “If the winning team does not have a shot on goal by the end of the game, they will lose and be docked 100k in GAM.”

Officials in MLS were reportedly aghast that the game would finish with one of their favorites getting knocked out by a team with 38% possession and zero shots on goal.

“If we are to be one of the best leagues in the world by 2030, we have to clean up our act” said Don Garber, commissioner of Major League Soccer. “We can’t just have our favorites knocked out by statistical oddities and oddball plays. Our favorites must dominate the league.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league introduces the +1 home higher seed goal rule that allows any home higher seed with a large home crowd to increase their goal count by 1 at any time.

10 Additional American Soccer Coaches Who Are Also Not Ted Lasso

Our exhaustive research department worked overtime to find ten additional American soccer coaches, other than Bruce Arena, who are also not Ted Lasso.

Here they are in no specific order:

#1 Jim Curtin

NOT Ted Lasso

#2 Bob Bradley

NOT Ted Lasso

#3 Gregg Berhalter

NOT Ted Lasso

#4 Jesse Marsch

NOT Ted Lasso

#5 Caleb Porter

NOT Ted Lasso

#6 Greg Vanney

NOT Ted Lasso

#7 Peter Vermes

NOT Ted Lasso

#8 Chris Armas

NOT Ted Lasso

#9 Brian Schmetzer

NOT Ted Lasso

#10 Tab Ramos

NOT Ted Lasso

NWSL Ownership Groups Task Social Media Managers To Put Together Place Holder "We Stand With The Players" Messages For Future Abusive Coach Scandals

INTERNET - Ownership groups across the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) are reportedly tasking their social media managers to put together a place holder, “We stand with the players who are fiercely advocating for change, and we are committed to doing our part to ensure a safe environment for the League’s players, staff, volunteers and fans,” messages for their future abusive coach scandals as the league ownership groups continue to be completely unable to stop doing horrible things.

“It’s important for us to remind you, the fan, that we are all in this together even though we SPECIFICALLY are the ones hiring and covering up for abusive head coaches, managers and general managers in this league,” stated one anonymous NWSL team employee.

A look at the draft indicates that it is specifically set up to ensure that fans believe the team is on their side and not, in actual reality, the specific entity that set up a scenario where men in power abused their position.

“If we word this the right way then it will seem that we are fighting the good fight even though we would technically be fighting that fight against ourselves,” stated one manager. “It’s all semantics anyway, right? We definitely stand with the players, we just would rather not hear anything about what is going on.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we stand with the players who are fiercely advocating for change.

Red Stars Owner Arnim Whisler Reaches Out To Merritt Paulson, Steve Baldwin, Steve Malik And Sunil Gulati For Advice On How To Avoid Taking Responsibility

CHICAGO - After another bombshell report indicted another National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) male head coach of abusive, manipulative and inappropriate behavior, Chicago Red Stars owner Arnim Whisler reached out to Portland Thorns owner Merritt Paulson, Washington Spirit owner Steve Baldwin, North Carolina Courage owner Steve Malik, and former US Soccer Federation president Sunil Gulati for advice on how to avoid taking any responsibility.

“So may have this happened on my watch,” stated Whilser who was interrupted by Paulson telling him that he’s already admitted too much and to try to re-state this thought as, “we are saddened by these developments.”

“The first step is to indicate that you understand the concerns and to tell everyone that an investigation of some kind will take place,” stated Malik.

“The next step should be to be silent for a long time, maybe take a month or two or three,” stated Sunil Gulati

“After all of that, indicate you are following through with the investigation and then maybe just change some titles around,” stated Paulson again. “If you are lucky, the season will start up again and people will be distracted by the games enough for them to get tired of hearing about all the bad news.”

For his part, Baldwin suggested finding a female member of staff to feud with, but was told that he was already part of the problem for owners league wide for actually stating that he would sell the Spirit.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this, unfortunately.

Joey Saputo Announces New CF Montreal Fan Relinquishment Program

MONTREAL - Joey Saputo, the president of Club de Foot Montreal (Montreal Impact), announced a new Fan Relinquishment program where customer service representatives will be given bonuses based upon how many supporters they drive away.

Joey Saputo - human rendering of a collection of cow parts.

“Too many people focus on the power that their fans have,” stated Saputo to The Nutmeg News. “For our part we would like to lose some fans. Specifically we would like to lose a lot of fans from our supporters groups so that I can blame them for the lack of support with the team in the area.”

Sources indicate that Customer Service representatives have been given quotas to hit on how many fans they drive away with the best fan relinquishment representative winning an all expensive trip to Quebec City in order to tell one lucky fan to fuck off in person.

“Who needs Fan Retention,” stated one Montreal employee. “We need fewer fans, and we need them now.”

Sources indicate that this is especially prevalent with customer service representative who handles the accounts of the supporters groups as they stated, “Mr. Saputo set the ground rules. We went and told the fans to support us or we will sell the team and make certain that it gets moved to the United States. They needed to know that they are all disposable.”

For his part, Mr Saputo was reflective and wistful as he stated, “I will salt the earth and burn this club to the ground before I cater to any of their demands”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Montreal continues to be run into the ground.

Racing Louisville Fans Frantically Clean Up Before Guests Come Over

Louisville, KY - Amid a flurry of sweeping and cleaning, Racing Louisville fans and executives spent the day frantically cleaning up before guests arrive.

“We just got so busy we really didn’t have time to clean the way we wanted to,” said fan Erica Martin who took an errant sock off the field. ”Oh my god why didn’t we start sooner.”

Sources indicate that Martin organized fans into a collection of people with specific duties that immediately fell apart as soon as people started criticizing the way in which people were cleaning.

"You DONT load the novelty cups in the dishwasher in the lower rack! WHO DID THIS,” stated one anonymous person.

“We have so many fans coming in from all over the country, and we still haven’t mopped. They’re going to be here any minute now, and this place is still not clean. There’s still clothes in the dryer.” Said Martin, yelling at another fan to just throw some boxes in a closet. “We just do NOT have time to be detail oriented, someone pick up the corner edge of the sod so I can just sweep everything underneath.”

Our reporters spoke to Racing fan Steve Phillips who immediately responded, “If you are going to mop like this then you are not going to get things clean. You have to mop like THIS, not like THIS, if you mop like THIS, then it isn’t going to work. I feel like no one here understands proper mopping technique. Here, let me show you, we need to mop like THIS, not THAT.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a Red Stars player trips over a coffee cup that someone kicked under the turf by the goal.

DoorDash Sponsorship Allows Angel City Players Additional Job Opportunity So They Can Afford Rent

LOS ANGELES - Touting their new partnership with DoorDash, Angel City FC representatives stated that the partnership will allow Angel City players an additional job opportunity so they can afford rent in the greater Los Angeles area.

“It’s not a side hustle if it is a partner,” stated Angel City FC spokesman Charles Amari. “This situation is what we call vertical integration. This allows our players to really help our local communities as we will happily be taking 20% of the player paycheck in order to give back to the community and add more grassroots restaurant franchises like McDonalds and Taco Bell.”

Sources indicate that Angel City is absolutely bullish on this strategic partnership changing the way in which the entirety of the NWSL operates.

“We know the players said no more side hustles, but this isn’t a side hustle. This is additional community service with a valued partner for which our players are also paid and a way for them to connect with the fans. This will allow us to employ our players full time via a profit sharing methodology where DoorDash shares their profits with us and we share our profits with our shareholders.”

Leaked files shared with The Nutmeg News indicate that Angel City plans to have players not only deliver late night food in order to make their bills, but they will also deliver surprise season tickets via their DoorDash routes.

“This is our way of giving back,” stated Amari. “And its our way of ensuring that our athletes are grounded in the community by fully understanding the indentured nature of the gig economy. This is also our way of finding out which players have a reliable car as we can offer them decent rates on the purchase of a brand new luxury car, once we announce our new partnership. We believe that DoorDash shows the utopic possibility that happens when an workforce of disparate and non-union employees band together to squeeze more productivity out of their day because they need to pay off a emergency room visit and ambulance ride from 2012.”

When asked about how this went over with the players Union, the Angel City FC executives said they didn’t know what that was."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Angel City orders a 2:00 pm delivery from Burger King in order to ensure that their backup goalkeeper makes it to practice on time.

Scientific Community Baffled By Man Who Can Do No Wrong

Cambridge, MA - The scientific community at the Massachusetts Institute Of Technology (MIT) stated that they were completely baffled by Merritt Paulson, part owner of the Portland Timbers and the Portland Thorns, with his ability to do no wrong, ever.

“We’ve never seen anyone who has ever lived such a life without any mistakes of any kind,” stated one anonymous researcher. “It is positively insane to imagine such a thing but here we are. The man has never done anything wrong.”

Sources indicate that a full study on the “rightness” of Merritt Paulson was started shortly after he announced that the team had done nothing wrong during the opening salvo of the Portland Thorns abuse scandal that has now enveloped the entire National Women’s Soccer League.

“We couldn’t believe that a team who was involved in this scandal, a team where a general manager and ownership group actively knew about the abuse performed by a head coach they employed could do no wrong, but the reality is that Merritt Paulson still did no wrong. We asked him ‘is the Sky blue’ and he said ‘no they are Gotham now’ it was unbelievable. He is right always, even by technicality.”

Some of those outside the study indicate that they believe the “Do No Wrong” study to be flawed as it rests entirely on the word of Paulson himself, however those within the study indicate that they have rigorous controls.

“We ask Mr Paulson once in the morning and then once in the evening if he’s done anything wrong,” stated Professor Gerhart Struber. “And he answers that he has done nothing wrong. It is astounding. This is a double blind study. We asked Mr Paulson with a blindfold on whether he has done anything wrong and again he said no!”

Scientists were even more baffled to see him make up things about their own field of study. After checking their peer reviewed papers to review his claims, they just said “Merritts right lol” in the conclusion section of all of them.

“I spent my whole life researching anthropology,” stated Professor Anita Bryce, “and none of it mattered because it wasn’t validated by Paulson. It’s remarkable. He is just never wrong”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the ongoing study is shocked that, in fact, Paulson still indicates that he has done nothing wrong, ever.

Divorced Littleton Dad Ready To Celebrate Thanksgiving Via Zoom Call In Rapids Stadium

Littleton, CO - 49 year old divorced Littleton dad Paul McDaniels stated that he was ready to celebrate Thanksgiving with his daughter Lauren and his parents via a Zoom conference call at the Colorado Rapids playoff game on Thanksgiving.

McDaniels, who stated that he hasn’t had a lot of luck on the dating apps, indicated that he thought this would be a welcome change of pace from eating a rotisserie chicken at home and re-watching Firefly.

“Fortunately there's a 40 minute limit on Zooms, now. I should be done to enjoy the second half with my real family, Centennial 96," stated McDaniels.

McDaniels only concern was that it would snow at the game as he still hasn’t gotten the snow coats he lost in the divorce back. “It would be real unfortunate if it snowed, almost as unfortunate as me being the same clothing size as my wife’s new husband, but i got a blessing either way with this game being when it is.”

Looking on the bright side, McDaniels said that all of his Rapids friends are excited that he is going to be there.

“I’m a bit of a father figure to them,” stated McDaniels. “I’m roughly 25 years older than most of my friends in the stands, but they don’t let that bother them. Some of them have started calling me dad, and well…. I mean honestly…. I just needed that.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as McDaniels loses service while trying to yell, “I love you,” at a phone screen.

Soccer Anarchists Attempt To Get New York Cosmos Into MLS In Order To Kill League

INTERNET - With the inevitable death of the NISA swirling around the nether reaches of the whirlpool of North American soccer, sources indicate that online and well funded soccer anarchists are formulating a plan to get the New York Cosmos into Major League Soccer (MLS) in an attempt to kill the league.

“We will have our revenge, FROM THE INSIDE," stated one anonymous commentator on 14chan, the online, anonymous forum set up for dissident soccer fans, relegation enthusiasts, low block organizers and Fozzie Bear tentacle erotica.

Comments on 14chan indicate that anarchist dissidents see the only way a total soccer revolution will be accomplished is by infiltrating MLS with the Cosmos which will inevitably cause MLS to fold as happened with the NASL, the MISL, the NASL again, the NPSL Founders Cup, the Members Cup and now the NISA.

Don Garber, the commissioner of Major League Soccer, was unexpectedly excited about the news of a third New York team.

“We have already contacted the New York teams that play in the general vicinity of the city and they are excited to see new rivalries enter the league,” stated Garber.” MLS is already planning on the Cosmos playing NYCFC 15 times for their inaugural season.”

For their part, the leadership of the New York Cosmos declined to speak but did want to remind everyone that Pelé, the worlds greatest player, played for the team once.

The Nutmeg News will have more as anarchists hide their plan under the nickname “Soccer Doomsday Device”

Braves Win Atlanta First Championship That People Care About Since 1995

Atlanta, GA - With a resounding 7-0 victory over the Houston Astros, the Atlanta Braves won Atlanta the first championship that random people in the city care about since 1995.

“I’m so glad we finally won something,” stated Carol Williams of Alpharetta. “It’s been a long dry spell between the 95 Braves, what with the Falcons constantly letting us down. It looked like there were 50 people celebrating something in the streets a few years ago in the city, but I think that was just Georgia fans celebrating a bowl bid.”

Our reporters spoke to people up and down Cobb County who stated that this championship reaffirmed their love of sporting teams slightly based in the general vicinity of Atlanta.

“We finally have a moment to celebrate in sports,” stated Jerry James Franklin of Kennesaw who was wearing a Make Atlanta Great Again hat. “This win is a win for all of Atlanta to show them that in order to succeed you need to move out to the suburbs. You can’t win a championship in an URBAN environment right now, no sir.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as fans of a team called Atlanta United create a bot to write in vote “Atlanta United” as best Atlanta sports moment

Don Garber Leaves GAM Out For Trick Or Treaters

Montclair, NJ - Montclair resident Heather Anderson stated that her daughter Olivia reported that the Major League Soccer (MLS) Comissioner Don Garber left GAM out for trick or treaters, instead of candy.

Anderson’s daughter, who was dressed as a soccer ball, was shocked to get $10,000 of GAM instead of her favorite Reese’s Pieces. “This is the worst Halloween ever,” stated Olivia Anderson.

Mrs. Anderson was likewise confused by the situation as she explained, “I thought GAM was a new kind of candy bar, but this? Is this actual legal tender?”

We spoke to Commissioner Garber about the situation and he had the following to say, “Admittedly I had a lot of GAM just getting stale around the house, so why not give it to our insipid youth who need a nice serotonin boost during the holidays.”

Sources also indicate that the GAM wrapper had a note that asked people to politely consider Sporting Kansas City vs Minnesota United a rivalry.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the USL house down the street advertises a free cash drop for kids with rolls of quarters to be extracted from an incontinent Llama branded with Las Vegas Lights marks.

Fan Is Just Looking For Some, "Like Minded Ultras Who Want To Use Flares And Don't Mind A Stadium Ban, Fine, And Possible Jail Time"

Oklahoma City, OK - Soccer fan Mark Andrews stated online that he is just looking for some, “like minded Ultras who want to use flares at soccer games and don’t mind the possibility of a stadium ban, a fine and jail time.”

Explaining, “Flares are totally fucking cool,” Andrews indicated that he wanted a bit more passion at games and he wanted to find some people who would be willing to go to the wall with their season tickets, next year, in order to improve the atmosphere.

“We would probably only need like 10 people a game for an entire home season, so like 200 or maybe even 300 people who are totally willing to not be able to watch a home game again for another year or two,” stated Andrews online.

“I think that we all know that this Ultra shit is totally cool and I’m just looking for some like minded people to go to the stadium for me who will be willing to do some badass things.”

Andrews request online elicited a number of positive responses from anonymous people he doesn’t know who don’t live in his area and have no actual experience going to soccer games as he began to curate his list of people who would actually be willing to show up.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andrews finds out he would be banned from both USL and MLS games.