Soccer Fan's Hope For Newborn Son Include Making European Team, Playing For USMNT, And Surviving Rising Sea Levels On A Catamaran Where Clean Water And Food Are The Currency

LOS ANGELES - Soccer fan Zane Hughes hope for his newborn son Cody reportedly include being healthy, making a European team, playing for the United States Men’s National Team and surviving rising sea levels on a catamaran where clean water and food are the currency.

“I know that there is a chance that soccer or even this country may not exist by the time that he grows up, but I only hope for the best for him,” stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News. “Maybe it’s the current depression over this pandemic or the ever clicking drumbeat of climate change in the background, but I just hope that he learns out to curl in a free kick and surf down the backside of waves on a beam reach.”

Sources say that Hughes realizes that bringing a child into the world is consigning them to a very uncertain future but he states, “I want to be an optimist in this. Maybe we will figure things out. Maybe, despite all the evidence of the entire existence of humanity trying to screw each other, the human race will actually coalesce into some kind of group of people bigger than the whole. More likely we will need to ensure that he knows how to desalinate water in order to grow vegetables in order to trade for sailcloth and diesel.”

Hughes admits that he’s just going through a six month overall mental and physical depression, right now, but he stated that it’s only fair that he teach his son how to properly execute a rondo drill as well as learning how to repair a yanmar diesel engine while floating between the sunken ruins of Key West and Miami.

“In the end, my dream is an optimistic one even if that means him sailing the seas in loin cloth attempting to find some fabled land at the ends of the earth, and god… maybe I just need to stop watching Waterworld at 1:30 am while he is on the bottle.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hughes attempts to calm his fears by watching The Road followed by The Postman.

Geoff Cameron Blames Obama After Not Receiving RNC Nod

Former American Stoke City player Geoff Cameron reportedly blamed former President Barack Obama after not receiving a speaking nod at the Republican National Convention.

“You spend all your money on All Lives Matter signs, and all your time DMing President Trump macaroni art you made of him putting immigrant children in cages and pretending to not vehemently hate the politics of your fellow black teammates and you find out that you are the 4th choice behind a couple that waved guns at black people? I CAN WAVE GUNS AT BLACK PEOPLE. THIS IS ALL HUSSEIN OBAMA’S FAULT,” stated Cameron, allegedly, to James Woods in an unbidden DM leaked to The Nutmeg News. “I was checking my mailbox all day, even though I think USPS shouldn’t exist, and no invite was there, although this may be an attempt to suppress the opinions of the truthful right. Checked the email I set up purely for Trump campaign emails, nothing. Maybe Yedlin was right, I am betrayed and I don’t know if I can keep representing this country.”

Sources indicate that Cameron was reportedly kept off the RNC list due to the fact that he only liked and responded positively to Ben Shapiro, Candace Owens, Charlie Kirk, and James Woods tweets and didn’t tweet or post any specific white nationalist QAnon philosophies in the past month.

“If Geoff wants to make the RNC he needs to start advocating for White Nationalism and imprisonment of immigrants in a more overt fashion,” stated RNC director Jefferson Davis. “He can’t keep quarter-stepping his opinions in an effort to maintain his sponsors and teammates.”

Those statements by Mr. Davis didn’t keep Cameron from allegedly blaming, “extreme left agitators, AnTifa, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Barack HUSSEIN Obama from keeping me from the podium.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cameron was reportedly on his way to a “COVID is a liberal hoax to take down the President” rally.

Introvert Longs For Chance To Not Go To Supporters Group Event

NEW YORK - Introvert and soccer fan Phoebe Anderson stated that the pandemic has been so isolating and depressing that she longs for a chance to not go to a supporters group event to which she would be invited.

“I miss turning people down,” stated Anderson to The Nutmeg News. “I used to get excited about the possibility of the event and then plan my whole week around the anxiety of attending the event and my eventual cancellation. Now I just don’t know what to do.”

Anderson reportedly spent the last few years attending games and finding ways to stay at home for pre-funks, after parties, mid summer social events, watch parties, and banner/T.I.F.O painting parties.

“I really do miss turning down 2 or 3 Facebook invitations, or telling people maybe and then cancelling by text,” stated Anderson. “Now my phone is just filled with text chains of people talking and not doing anything at all. It’s a bit like being in a world of introverts, but we need extroverts just to show us how exhausting becoming emotionally involved in anxiety and the world can be.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson creates a group event for herself and 10 other people on Facebook just so she can say that she will attend and then change her status to maybe at 11:30 pm the night before.

"I've Got At Least Two Black Friends," States FC Dallas Fan On Twitter

Dallas, TX - After fans at the FC Dallas - Nashville Major League Soccer game booed the Black Lives Matter solidarity protest and chanted USA-USA at the collected players, FC Dallas fan Rick Watson spent the morning stating, “I’ve got at least two black friends, so, no, I’m not racist,” on Twitter as he attempted to explain away the situation.

USATSI

“I told my black friends sorry and that our community is behind them, but I’ve always wondered if THIS is really the best way to protest,” stated Watson online. “I don’t agree with the boos, I’ve got at least two black friends, so you know I’m not racist, but …well… you know… people around here…. look…. um… people around here….they…don’t like to see the national anthem being protested against. The next thing you know they will be outlawing The Eyes Of Texas for being racist.”

According to Watson, one of his good friends is Jerramy Hughes, a fellow employee of Energy Transfer Equity who works in Human Resources. Watson has said, "Go Cowboys," several times to Hughes in the 10 years they've worked together.

“I feel like I’ve gotten closer to him,” stated Watson to our reporter. “He’s answered all 803,048 of my questions about Black people that I never knew like the show Martin, and who Cash Money Records is, and whether he knows my neighbor Charlene.”

Watson repeated that you know he’s not racist, but that, “Black Lives Matter but why before a game? I just want to not think about being white for 90 minutes and I ended up having to think about it for 10 seconds. It made me feel very uncomfortable, not that there’s an excuse for what happened but they DID kick out the person who threw the bottle so I’m sure this will never happen again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Watson cut our interview short before making a mass text to his two black friends that he voted for Obama at least once.

Soccer Fans Agree That Now That MLS Is Back From MLS Is Back That NOW MLS Is Back

Soccer fans across the United States except for Portland, Oregon were in consensus that now that Major League Soccer is back from Major League Soccer Is Back the Tournament that NOW Major League Soccer Is Back.

“The tournament meant nothing,” stated Seattle Sounders fan Raul Jimenez. “The real tournament is the post tournament tournament that may or may not actually happen depending upon positive COVID tests.”

Fans in Dallas and Nashville agreed stating, “MLS Is Back was not actually back and now that we are back from MLS being back we are actually back. It’s really not that complicated.”

According to sources within the league front office, pundits are excited for the return of the season from the tournament.

“This is just another opportunity for Los Angeles Football Club to win the regular season tournament non-COVID edition,” stated one anonymous source. “The hype machine is back!”

For their part, soccer fans in Portland disagreed with the consensus stating, “MLS Is Back was the tournament and we disagree with MLS being back from MLS being back. We are the champions.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Orlando fans think MLS Is Back was great but also terrible as they hope that their form from MLS Is Back can continue now that MLS is Back.

Nickelback Announces New Song For MLS Tournament Post Game Montage Called One Shining Photograph

Orlando, Frorida - After teasing a new announcement all day, Canadian rock band Nickelback announced a new song for the MLS Is Back Tournament tournament post game montage called One Shining Photograph.

“We are excited to announce a new song created just for the MLs is back tournament that really blends our love of soccer and our love of montages and our love of our song photograph,” stated lead singer Chad Kroeger.

“We wanted to be THE league to welcome back a pop culture icon, while also appealing to our fans who we found with intense market research,” stated Don Garber. “MLS is back, but so is the career of 12 time Juno Award winning artists.”

Dozens of fans were reportedly thrilled with the news as they reacted online with a low key celebration so they wouldn’t get mocked.

Chicago Fire fan Chris Hanson was quoted as saying the news got them nostalgic, “Takes me back to the only time we were good.”

“I’m very excited because I heard some Nickelback at a Panera recently and it reminded me of the good times when I played the song for my girlfriend Stephanie in my dad’s Toyota Carolla,” stated one anonymous fan.

The Nutmeg News will have more after we bulk buy hearing aids after losing our hearing at the singles preview party.

Former MLS Midfielder Claims He Will Finally End Juventus 122 Year Absence From The CONCACAF Champions League

Torino, IT - In an interview with newspaper La Stampa, former Major League Soccer (MLS) midfielder Andrea Pirlo claimed that he would end a 122 year absence for Juventus in the CONCACAF Champions League by being the first head coach to lead The Old Lady into the international tournament.

“I was never able to reach this honor as a player in New York,” stated Pirlo through a translator. “It would’ve been a great honor for me and the pinnacle of my football career.”

Sources say that Pirlo’s inability to play against legendary teams like Montego Bay United incensed the long time NYCFC professional.

“He was never the same after he missed a chance to play Isidro Metapan in El Salvador,” stated one Juventus source. “It created a fire that still burns to get the first team he would coach into the tournament.”

Juventus officials wouldn’t comment on the rumors, but their travel department was seen researching flights from Italy to Costa Rica for the summer.

“I think he’s burning with a chance to finally take on Saprissa, which was of course his childhood dream,” stated our source. “And I’d bet good money that he gets it provided that he doesn’t get fired after 2 months.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pirlo claims that playing Udinese away is nowhere near as bad as flying business class from New York to Los Angeles to play a noon game against Gyasi Zardes and the LA Galaxy.

Eager Real Salt Lake Fan Updates Will In Advance Of Home Game

Salt Lake, UT - Typing, “I, Jacob Williams, of sound mind and body,” eager Real Salt Lake fan Jacob Williams began the process of updating his will in advance of the newly announced Real Salt Lake home game.

“Look, this is just in case I go to the game, get COVID-19 and die,” stated the soccer fan. “I’m really excited about the opportunity to go see RSL play with the rest of my fellow fans and I know that these days that means I might actually die.”

Williams, an asthmatic, stated that he certainly doesn’t want to leave his two children without a father, but the lure of a home game with thousands of other fans is just too much.

“My wife keeps saying, ‘oh I don’t think you should go,’ but who WOULDN’T die for some soccer. Plus it’s not like they are having mass outbreaks across the United States among communities and soccer teams leading to cancellations and postponements as the virus continues it’s rampage.”

Williams reportedly left all of his assets to his wife Sarah with the provision that if she becomes ill and dies due to him passing COVID-19 to her that the assets be placed in a trust for his two sons Levi and Warren.

“I’m making sure that I take care of everything. EVERYONE OPEN WIDE FOR SOME SOCCER.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams convinces himself that it’s just a bit of throat irritation and not symptomatic of any kind of developing COVID-19 symptoms.

With COVID-19 Defeated Across North America, MLS Announces Plans To Return To Home Markets

Orlando, Frorida - Commissioner Don Garber announced that with COVID-19 defeated across North America Major League Soccer will have their teams head back to their home markets to play games after the MLS IS BACK THE TOURNAMENT tournament is finished.

No, this is not a Plague Inc map.

“We want to congratulate the frontline workers, scientists and epidemiologists that helped control and defeat this pandemic across this country,” stated Garber. “Finally we can return to our home stadiums and crowds to play soccer.”

Sources indicate that the numbers of infections and cases do not support what the league is saying, but that didn’t put a damper on the day.

“We are absolutely thrilled to have the opportunity to sell tickets and concessions again,” stated one anonymous MLS owner. “Did you know that I almost lost MONEY in this endeavor? Sports aren’t about losing money it’s about MAKING money.”

We spoke to a random doctor and probable communist agitator spreading fake news at a clinic in New Jersey who stated, “What?! This isn’t over at all! It’s more widespread in the country than at nearly any other time.”

However, to counterbalance this negative spin we spoke with Presidential doctor Sean Conley who stated, “Worse case scenario we will just inject all the players with hydroxychloroquine…. as long as they don’t kneel for the anthem.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the current death toll of the pandemic in the United States crests 160,000 people (in six months) which is almost 3 times as many deaths as American soldiers were killed in Vietnam (in 20 years)

Minnesota United Hoping To Shed Underdog Narrative And Graduate To Simply Being A Dog

Orlando, Frorida - Major League Soccer (MLS) team Minnesota United announced, today, their hope that if they win the MLS Is Back The Tournament tournament that they will shed their underdog title and graduate to simply being a dog.

THIS is no simple under dog. No, indeed.

“Hopefully we can be something majestic like an Irish Setter or a Golden Retriever,” stated head coach Adrian Heath. “Some of the team is hoping that we could become a Bernese Mountain Dog while others are looking for one of those beautiful blue Pitbulls to become. Either way we are hoping that eventually our success will graduate us to full dog status.”

Sources within the team indicate that many players are frustrated with the constant underdog narrative that they feel is perpetuated by the media.

“It’s a lie,” stated one anonymous player. “If you look at our results this year we absolutely deserve to be where we are. We aren’t an underdog, we are a majestic German Shepherd in flight across a green field with a beautiful lake stocked with walleye. We are a noble Australian Shepherd focused on the task ahead such as fording the mighty Kabetogama lake in a hand made canoe on our way to cross the Koochiching with nothing more than a tarp and a flint and tinder. We are a dog and we demand to be treated as such.”

Despite the irritation of the team, however, some media figures continue to push the underdog narrative.

“They aren’t a dog,” stated Taylor Twellman. “They are an UNDERdog. UNDER. DOG. Un.Der.Dog. WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the underdogs ask to meet Snoop Dog to receive his blessing.

Reggie Cannon Terminates Contract With F.C. Dallas After Argument Over J. Cole And Kendrick Lamar

Dallas, TX - F.C. Dallas defender Reggie Cannon terminated his contract with the team, today, after an argument with teammates and support staff over J. Cole and Kendrick Lamar turned heated.

“These guys looked me in my eye and said J Cole has been getting worse since his mixtapes,” Cannon stated. “I couldn’t believe it. They said Kendrick has a bigger impact on hip hop. How? To Pimp A Butterfly was a Jazz album. I immediately called up the Rapids and asked if they were open to any signings.”

Sources indicate that Cannon, Fafa Picault, and Ryan Hollingshead were vigorously discussing the legacy of Chris Brown, Michael Jackson and Elton John before moving into a heated discussion over the legacy of Kendrick Lamar.

“The real last straw for me was finding out Fafa hasn’t even listened to Illmatic. He has no grounds to talk about this stuff. Everyone else backed him up anyway. I can’t be a part of this team.”

Sources on the field indicate that Cannon and Picault were engaged in a passionate discussion while being frequently interrupted by Hollingshead.

“Fafa being wrong is one thing, but Ryan kept interrupting about the enduring legacy of Taylor Swift’s sold out concerts. I even caught him looking at Wikipedia after he told us both, ‘Did you know that J. Cole’s first name is Jermaine?’ I want OUT!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cannon insists that General Managers should not contact him if their favorite rapper can’t be trusted by Metro Boomin.

Astronomers Predict “Incredible” Cosmic Collision In Space Between Waston Penalty Ball And Wondolowski World Cup Ball

Mount Graham, AZ - Astronomers with the Large Binocular Telescope at the Mount Graham International Observatory (MGIO) predict an, “Incredible,” cosmic collision in space between Kendall Waston’s penalty ball and Chris Wondolowski’s World Cup ball leading to an event that may light up the night sky soon.

“It’s incredible to see these two now celestial bodies meet like this,” stated MGIO Astronomer Anil Patil. The Wondolowski ball was in Mars gravitational pull for the last few years. The likelihood of these two balls hitting each other space was extremely low.”

Astrophysicist Gus Crawford predicted a spectacular event, "When two gaseous giants fall into each others orbits we can all expect to see some incredible things. This is just like when Bruce Arena took over for Jurgen Klinsmann during USMNT World Cup qualifying. Nothing really survived after that.”

According to our sources, NASA is carefully watching in case any of the former earthly objects collide and rebound back to Earth. The USMNT Astronomy division predicts that there should be nothing to worry about.

“A lot of our shots and penalties end up out there. We don’t really see what the big deal is about this whole thing. Half of the Van Allen radiation belt is made up of shots from USMNT fullbacks, midfielders and forwards,” stated MGIO director and lead USMNT Astronomer Leonard Chang.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jurgen Locadia’s miss accelerates towards the singularity with increasing speed causing a brief flicker of hope in the heart of Dr. Venkatesh Belsare that perhaps the collision will just nullify the galaxy and solve the problem of everyone having to suffer through the rest of 2020.

CPL Island Games To Feature Newly Designed COVIDvisection Health And Safety Parameters

The newly announced Island Games by the Canadian Premier League will reportedly feature COVIDvisection administered by a Dr. Moreau of Cape Egmont.

Yes, we must speak with York 9 about their……….. transition.

“It is our intent to allow Dr. Moreau to administer our health and safety bubble with his newly announced COVIDvisection technique,” stated Montgomery, the director for the Island Games. “Dr. Moreau has long theorized that complimenting the human physique some some animal attributes would make Canadian Premier League players resistant to COVID-19. If you think about it, that theory isn’t really any more crazy than any of the batshit insane things said by the President of The United States.”

Sources indicate that Dr. Moreau is thrilled to have an opportunity to work with new techniques in vaccination, heath and safety by turning the entirety of Valour FC into a human/pig/tiger combination.

“We are excited to welcome all the healthy, lovely, lovely players to The Island,” stated Montgomery. “We know that we have the ability to really make a difference in their lives on a long term basis and we hope that they will enjoy the changes that will happen from 35 games with our support staff.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when we finish speaking to an unnamed whistleblower found in a raft off the coast of Cape Tormentine.

Epidemiologists Eager To Use Kendall Waston's Penalty Kick To Illustrate Why Wearing A Mask Keeps Particles From Spraying Everywhere

Cincinnati, OH - Epidemiologists at the Christ Hospital in Cincinnati were reportedly eager to use Kendall Waston’s penalty kick from the MLS IS BACK THE TOURNAMENT game against the Portland Timbers to illustrate why wearing a mask keeps particulates from spraying everywhere.

Wear A Mask.

“It’s a very clear example if you think about it,” stated Dr Laura Willis. “What we see is the perfect example of the spread of the the virus particles into the air around you. As Waston strikes the ball, it is as though an asymptomatic carrier is exhaling aerosols in a confined space. Those actions can propel this cloud of droplets from you up to 25 or 26 feet. A mask can disrupt this cloud and keep the virus particles from travelling.”

According to Dr. Willis, the idea of mask efficiency is illustrated by Waston’s penalty kick.

“We know that our normal breath consists of tiny water droplets and fluid from the lining of the lungs that carries bacteria, viruses, and other compounds. What we see with Kendall’s shot is the perfect example of spread, as I illustrated before. However, what we can also assume is that if there was something preventing him from sending out the particulate in the first place that it would keep the goal keeper and his teammates from watching a seemingly healthy asymptomatic individual from spreading the virus 20 feet over the top of the crossbar.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dr Willis uses the bus driver celebration to illustrate the United States opening back up too early and the continued spread of the virus.

Don Garber Recovering From Collapse After Thinking Of Possible Orlando/Cincinnati Final

Orlando, FL - The commissioner of Major League Soccer, Don Garber, is reportedly recovering from a collapse and loss of senses after he attended a sponsorship and tv rights meeting that detailed the possibility of an Orlando v Cincinnati MLS IS BACK THE TOURNAMENT final.

“Atlanta and other markets would have been nice,” stated one MLS source, “but there have been plenty of Orlando based lawn care companies looking to possibly sponsor the finals. I’m not certain why he is so worried. Cincinnati against Orlando is compelling must-see television.”

According to the commissioner himself, Garber indicated that he was recovering well.

“I don’t know what happened. First I was looking at the tournament brackets as the groups and possible ramifications were explained and then I woke up on the ground with someone fanning me with money to revive me.”

For their part, the sponsorship and TV rights team of Major League Soccer remain bullish on the possibility of this unexpected final as they stated, “everyone knows that Cincinnati will drive the national television ratings through the roof. Why we’ve received sponsorship opportunities from three different local drywall companies and a heritage foundation started by Marge Schott. It’s going to be just fine.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Don Garber places a phone call to Carlos Vela.

Atlanta United Fan Group Blasts Interim Head Coach Over Lack Of Wins

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United fan group @GlassMustGo blasted new interim head coach Stephen Glass for the recent lack of wins.

Ahhhh happier days.

“Since Glass took over for Frank de Boer Atlanta United hasn’t won anything,” stated the recently renamed Twitter account. “The Five Stripes haven’t scored a goal since his appointment and every day is a painful reminder of our glory days under Tata Martino two years ago.”

Atlanta United fans are reportedly flying a banner over the next practice asking for the ouster of the new coach appointed roughly an hour ago as they demanded better.

“Glass will not get us to the next level, he is a pale comparison to Tata Martino,” stated one Atlanta United fan. “Under Tata we were able to see our future destiny as the greatest team in the world, but under the leadership of Glass we haven’t won a single trophy or qualified for the playoffs.”

With some lobbing criticism at the Atlanta United fans for their vociferous disagreement with the appointment of Glass, Atlanta United fans state that these criticisms are unfounded.

“We only demand the best for our team and if that means calling for the firing of a coach who was appointed 1 hour ago then we will do that,” stated Dave Hughes from Marietta.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Atlanta United fans call for the appointment and dismissal of Jurgen Klopp

Amateur Soccer Historian Confident That Year 10 Is When He Starts Getting Paid For His Work

WASHINGTON - Amateur soccer historian Brian Oakes stated that he remained confident that year 10 is when he starts getting paid for his work as he completed another unpaid assignment for teams in his area from behind the wheel of his 2001 Toyota Corolla that he drives for Uber, Postmates, Door Dash and Grubhub.

Only a few more years of driving this Uber gig, working as a personal trainer, and working part time at the bar before someone notices how much I contribute.

“Eventually they will see all my contributions and my value and offer me a paid position commensurate with my skill and effort over the past 9 or 10 years,” stated Oakes to The Nutmeg News.

Oakes spent the last 9 years building a reputation for being the most informed and reliable voice in United States and New York soccer as he burnished his credentials with not only a vast knowledge of history but an incredible capacity at recalling obscure statistics for teams in the area.

“He’s really indispensable,” stated one DC United team insider. “Without his research and abilities we would be absolutely lost so we offered him a 20% off coupon for a new kit and a chance to attend any of the team special events provided that he is still in good standing with the team.”

Oakes reportedly brought up the idea of being paid for his work last year but was dismissed as, “not having enough experience and the team not having enough need,” despite being utilized every week for statistics and at least once a month for history and research.

Oakes also brought up the idea of being paid for his work this year but was told to, “not make waves on this front if you want to keep your access to the team.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Oakes states that year 11 and 2022 will be the year when he finally makes money for this job.

Showrunners Of MLS Is Back Tournament Leak That They Are Encouraged To Be, “As Drunk As Possible”

Orlando, FL - Showrunners and writers of the MLS Is Back tournament leaked to The Nutmeg News that they are encouraged to be, “As drunk as possible,” when writing storylines for this season.

Now, let’s get started with the morning meeting…. who has a bottle of Jack Daniels and who has a bottle of Cognac?

“Oh yeah, it’s been absolutely off the rails this time,” stated one source. “We knew that it was going to be a different season when we wrote off Dallas and Nashville in the pilot. That really set the tone.”

According to the details of leaked notes, the showrunners and writers started spit-balling ideas early about the composition of the tournament.

“What if Atlanta loses and Orlando wins? That’s the kind of twist our audience has been waiting to see.”

“Can we get Brek Shea back? Anyone know his agent? Let’s see if he is available and give him a few goals in the second act!”

“How about one of those comeback from nowhere games where we twist the knife on the VanStans while simultaneously doing a deus ex machina on San Jose. It’s a two for one and the fans will never see it coming!”

According to our source, the showrunners are planning on some spectacular plot twists in the knock out round leading to a climactic battle in the semi-finals before finishing with an ultimately unsatisfying attempt at closure in the finale.

“It’s going to be like Game Of Thrones,” stated our source. “Except instead of dragons and unfulfilled side quests about family swords we have Frank de Boer living up to the legacy of Tata Martino and side quests about trying to make Orlando into the sympathetic tournament pick.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as MLS Is Back Writers were figuring out how to make Cincinnati win the tournament at the time of the interview

Orlando Woman Hopes MLS Tournament Will Distract Her From The 7 Day Wait For Her COVID-19 Test Results

Orlando, FL - Jasmine Gutierrez stated that she really hopes the MLS Is Back tournament will distract her from the 7 day wait for her COVID-19 results.

“I’m just happy that all of the players on all the teams in the tournament are being tested repeatedly and getting their results back in a matter of hours as I’m on day 7 waiting for my results,” stated Gutierrez. “I got tired of waiting to find out if I’m contagious or not so I attended a Black Lives Matter protest anyway. I can’t just sit at home and think that I’m sick. My friend is taking me to Disney this weekend as a distraction and I’ll try to catch an Orlando City game outside at one of the bars if they are still showing them. The best way to distract myself is to pretend that everything is fine, no one is on a ventilator and that my favorite players are still kicking a ball.”

Gutierrez stated that she doesn’t know when she will get the results back but she still has to work and live.

“If the players are able to get tested and go back to work then I’m going to do the same thing,” stated Gutierrez. “I don’t know the result but I can’t sit around waiting to find out. I need to make money and Jamba Juice told me to come back…. so until I find out that I can’t work…. I’m just going to work.”

Friends state that Gutierrez has been a fan of Orlando City since the team was in the USL.

“She’s always loved the team so that’s likely why she feels an extreme sense of obligation to watch their games,” stated friend Chelsea Williams. “I keep telling her that the league testing people is a bunch of non-local athletes jumping the line, but then again… famous people, rich people and athletes getting special preference is what this country is all about.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gutierrez finds out that she is positive and has the corona virus a mere 20 days after she took the test.

"Why Can't We Make Soccer Less Complicated In This Country," States Man Who Can't Convince Neighbor To Wear A Mask

Philadelphia, PA - Soccer fan Anthony Hughes took to the internet to complain about the current state of his favorite sport as he stated, “Why can’t we make soccer less complicated in this country,” while also admitting that he can’t convince his neighbor to wear a mask for the health of the neighborhood and his family.

Look at all these sheeple unable to breathe. SHEEP!

“I don’t understand why soccer has to be the way it is here,” stated Hughes as he simultaneously rebutted a number of comments on his Facebook page from high school friends and old acquaintances claiming COVID-19 is a conspiracy infection brought about by 5G and masterminded by Bill Gates.

“It doesn’t make sense. We have the infrastructure to really make a splash on the world stage if we could figure things out,” stated Hughes as he tried to argued with someone on Reddit that you should care about other people and that older American’s don’t, “deserve to die if that means I can get a haircut.”

Hughes was reportedly upset after noticing the problems suffered by leagues, teams and players where it is clear that the game of soccer has settled in with the overarching arc of United States society towards discordant, sometimes depressing but very profitable chaos.

“It seems like all we need is someone who can actually come in with a plan that will emphasize the stability of the leagues and maximize the growth of the sport without compromising the fans that got the sport where it is,” stated Hughes as he scrolled through Instagram noticing a number of pictures of friends and family across the nation out at bars, gyms and restaurants without masks.

“Oh well, I guess it’ll get better after the next election when we get someone that really cares about the game,” stated Hughes as he repeated the same phrase he said recently about the upcoming 2020 election.

The Nutmeg News will always have more on this.