Inside Source With @NYCFC Details The Passion Of The Kreis

The Nutmeg News has received an exclusive story via a leak from inside the NYCFC organization. One of their interns was able to send out private tweets to us during the course of the day which created a timeline of all the various events that took place during Jason Kreis’ firing on Monday. His messages are as follows.

"No no no no Jason, your playing career ends quickly.. It's your managerial career! somethings gotta be done about your choices!"

"No no no no Jason, your playing career ends quickly.. It's your managerial career! somethings gotta be done about your choices!"

8:00am: NYCFC front office receives a tip that Jason Kreis was in Madison Square Garden with a few of his players. Staff and security are dispatched.

8:30am: NYCFC Front office and MLS representatives show up at Madison Square Garden.  Don Garber walks up to Kreis and identifies him to the security personnel by kissing him on the cheek. Kreis is then taken into custody.

9:00am: Kreis arrives at Yankee Stadium where he is confronted by the owners of Manchester City and the New York Yankees. He is condemned to be fired for failing to make the playoffs despite the massive financial investments that were made.

9:15am: A man identified as Frank Lampard is confronted by security as he was walking to the stadium. Security asks if Lampard thinks Kreis did all he could during their inaugural season. Lampard was quoted as saying: “Ultimately the responsibility is on the shoulders of the coach. He didn't give direction in training, lacked an overall match day plan, didn't give tactical direction. I tell you I never believed in him!" NYCFC officials decide everyone will buy this excuse if they keep repeating it, so they contact bloggers to start the excuse making program.

9:45am: Kreis is officially fired by Manchester City CEO Ferran Soriano. While hesitant to sign the official statement, the owners were quoted as saying: “Let his blood be on us and on our investors!” After signing the statement Soriano squirts some Purel hand sanitizer on his hands and vigorously rubs them together, absolving himself of all responsibility and killing 99.9% of germs.

10:00am: Kreis has his suit and shirt torn off and has a MLS Championship Star pinned to his bare chest. He was then forced to hoist up a mock MLS cup wreathed in thorns. Photos are taken and posted to the NYCFC's Instagram to engage millennials in the brand.

10:15am: Kreis is forced to carry a bar from a goal post on his back and starts out by heading North along River Ave.

10:30am: Kreis turns left on East 167th around the parking area.

Jason Kreis in happier days being told to shut the hell up.

Jason Kreis in happier days being told to shut the hell up.

10:45am: Next to Mullany Park, near the corner of Jerome Ave and East 165th street, Kreis stumbles and drops the goalpost from sheer exhaustion. A man emerges from the crowd and picks up the post. He is identified as MLS Legend Landon Donovan who then carries the post the rest of the way for Kreis. He is quoted as saying: "It's no problem, I've got lots of practice at this."

11:15am: The goalpost is erected on the pitcher’s mound in Yankee Stadium and Kreis is tied to it. Two of his assistants are attached to goal posts on third and first base.

1:00pm: After two hours the assistant on first base begins to curse Kreis saying that his insistence on playing Grabavoy was always a horrible idea and was doomed to fail.  The coach on third base says that he always admired Kreis' ability to sit Poku despite all the clamor to play him and that he thought he was a great coach. Kreis tells this coach that he will be on his staff when he is picked up by either Chicago or Colorado.

2:00pm: NYCFC players enter the stadium and witness NYCFC security personnel gambling for Kreis’ scarf, tie, and hair styling product.  Grabavoy and McNamara approached Kreis who then addressed them saying: “Grabavoy, here is your son. McNamara, here is your mother.” The meaning behind this was not entirely understood.

2:45pm: Kreis raises his head and yells out: “My league! My league! Why hast thou forsaken me?!”  He then lowered his head and returned to being quiet.

3:00pm: Kreis raises his head a final time and says: “The inaugural season... is finished.”  A tweet from the official New York City Football Club account is sent out announcing the plan for all parties to go their separate ways.

His remains were sent to Salt Lake City as Real Salt Lake owner, Dell Loy Hansen, had donated an old janitor's closet located under Rio Tinto stadium.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when we debut our interactive stage version of "The Stages Of The Cross: Kreismass of Doom" staring Gary Sinese as Jason Kreis and Fay Dunaway as whatever we come up as a Mary Magdalene substitute.

 

Steven Gerrard Unaware He Was Actually Going To Have To Play Soccer

LOS ANGELES - Steven Gerrard, former Liverpool player, sometime pundit, and roster corpse for the LA Galaxy, admitted that he was actually unaware that moving to Major League Soccer (MLS) meant he would actually have to play soccer for a living.

Steven Gerrard shown here ensuring another Liverpool title.

Steven Gerrard shown here ensuring another Liverpool title.

"They told me this was a retirement league, not a league filled with shit referees, artificial turf and distances the equivalent of flying from London to Moscow." said a perturbed Gerrard to his agent on Monday morning. "If I wanted to actually play this season I would have moved to Italy. Instead, now I'm expected to run around and try to play when I really just want to fly back to the BT Sports booth and make pithy comments like Jamie gets to do next to Thierry Henry."

Gerrard was apparently shocked to find out that it gets to be 110 degrees in Dallas, that Seattle has rain and terrible turf and that no one in Colorado even knows that their team exists.

"I tried to call David but he told me to figure it out on my own." said Mr Gerrard to our reporter on Monday. "It's like moving from a club where I was a demi-god to a different club that is used to winning every year means that I lost all the possible cachet that I had available to deflect attention away from my declining play. Hell, I'm glad the season is over. Now I just get to hang around on the beach and set myself up for my retirement tour next season."

While Gerrard can be assured that his place in Liverpool history will never slip, his ability to weather the storm in Los Angeles is still up for grabs.

"There's always a time for a retirement rejuvenation" said Gerrard.

The Nutmeg News will have more information on this situation when Bruce Arena starts replacing Gerrard with players from LA 2.

 

 

Whitecaps Fan Stranded After Failed Cascadian Secession

Blaine, Washington - James Whitmore, a Vancouver B.C. resident, found himself trapped on the American side of the border after realizing he had burned his passport due to a drastic misunderstanding.

VIVE LA REVOLUTION, BUT ONLY IF IT SUCCEEDS BECAUSE LORD KNOWS I DON'T WANT TO GET STUCK ON THE US SIDE OF THE BORDER.

VIVE LA REVOLUTION, BUT ONLY IF IT SUCCEEDS BECAUSE LORD KNOWS I DON'T WANT TO GET STUCK ON THE US SIDE OF THE BORDER.

“Oh, you know how it is when you mix weed and beer?” says Mr. Whitmore, “With pot being legal all the way from Vancouver to Portland we ended up smoking all the way down. We even had to stop at a few dispensaries along the way to stock back up. Then we get to Portland and we start hitting some beers because everything is so cheap here compared to Vancouver. Did you know you can get a beer in Portland for under 5 dollars, even good beer and not that Molson shit? I knocked back five without really thinking about it then headed into their stadium.”

It was at this point that Whitmore stopped consuming alcohol and marijuana but had forgotten about some potent edibles he had consumed somewhere outside of Vancouver, Washington. Enough time had passed that the edibles began to take effect.

“I was standing there and I’m just stoned out of my gourd waiting for the game to start. I looked across the stadium to the Timbers Army and I see a bunch of Cascadia flags being waved. I became transfixed and sort of hypnotized by the movements. Then I see this giant one up get raised up on the main stage. It was like thirty feet tall, you know? I thought this was the signal that the Cascadian secession had begun. It became very clear to me that the revolution was at hand. We were to seize the grounds, take the stadium, win the game, and then march on the heads of state. That this was the time to seize our new Cascadian country from the hands of the despots and Justin Trudeau who I voted for because really he represents a lot of the social contract that went missing when we elected Harper into position.”

The Cascadian flag, a green, white, blue flag with a doug fir in the middle, represents a secession movement for a bioregion reaching from Oregon up through Canada.

“I started waving my Cascadian flag like crazy,” Whitmore continues, “and I’m yelling ‘free Cascadia’ at the top of my lungs. I kind of blacked out around then but my friend Mitch says that I then took out my passport and set fire to it. I didn’t even realize it until we got back to the Canadian border and I didn’t have my passport anywhere.”

Whitmore is currently staying in Blaine, Washington awaiting a replacement passport.

“I’m probably going to lose my job as I was supposed to be at work at eight today, but oh well.  The main problem is that I have a severe issue with Irritable Bowel Syndrome and if I go to the hospital here in the United States I'm completely screwed. I don't really know what to do so the revolution needs to either come right now, or I need someone to express mail me a passport. I'm not claiming asylum here. Why would I want to leave right before Harper is out?

Since there’s nothing else to do I’m spending most of my time in the Evergreen Cannabis dispensary. I’m going to need to get really stoned next week since it will be winner take all.”

DC United Fan Admits, "I Ran Onto The Field To Save My Life"

WASHINGTON - DC United Fan and fan "streaker" Wesley Szbilic admitted that he only ran onto the field to save his life and wasn't trying to invade the pitch.

Mr Szbilic possibly winning a disability suit at a later date.

Mr Szbilic possibly winning a disability suit at a later date.

"I was cornered in an upstairs bathroom of RFK by knife wielding raccoons" claimed Mr Szbilic to our reporter on Monday morning. "They demanded my shirt, my money or they would take my life"

Reportedly Mr Szbilic tried to get others to help him but they didn't believe anyone had actually waded into the flooded bathrooms to try to use the facilities when they could just piss in the corners of the stadium instead.

"I'm not an animal, I had to go" said Mr Szbilic "But I couldn't deal with their demands, I ran out onto the field because they chased me to field level. I was dodging falling masonry, feral raccoons, irradiated cockroaches that tried to sell me methamphetamine, and I nearly fell through a random sinkhole that appeared in the concourse. RFK is just crazy, man."

While Mr Szibilic was happy for the protection that being arrested availed him, he was still afraid that the Raccoon's and the cockroaches knew the lay of the land better than everyone and they might have someone on the inside. 

"They are still coming for me. The leader, Theo, said that he was going to finish me off for my 2004 Eskandarian kit. I couldn't let him have it!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the raccoons and the cockroaches finally make a gang deal to settle their differences peacefully in order to finally take over the concessions racket.

Area Man Realizes How To Fix Sounders Fans After Attending First Game On Sunday

Seattle, WA - "Put the flags down!!!" screamed area man Stuart Yarborough while he attended his first Seattle Sounders game on Sunday.

To annoy the living shit out of Mr Stuart Yarborough of N 180th St in Shoreline.

To annoy the living shit out of Mr Stuart Yarborough of N 180th St in Shoreline.

Mr Yarborough reportedly picked up the tickets from his friend Brent Osterhaus (because Brent needed the money in order to buy Star Wars tickets for opening day) who failed to inform Mr Yarborough that the game wouldn't be catered to Mr Yarborough's needs and wishes.

"This is bullshit," said Mr Yarborough "I'm here to watch the game and the Emerald City Supporters need to cater the kind of experience that they give me to the experience that I want to have. This is about me. I don't care how long they have been doing this, it is bullshit! With the flags and the waving and the chanting and the guys wearing hats. I'm telling you, these fans don't have a clue what it means to be a real fan."

Mr Yarborough reportedly was upset at having a flag knock over some of his popcorn that he specifically walked to get, and the rest of the afternoon was an nonredeemable mess.

"I want to stand here to watch the game. I don't care that there are 65,000 other seats that I could move to that don't have waving flags. I deserve to watch the game from right here exactly like I want. And you know what? I think they should not sing either. You don't hear Hawks fans singing, this is bullshit. All these guys are transplants, I can tell. They are the real reason I stopped living in Capitol Hill. Pushed the rent up on me. What a bunch of clowns. Well I'll tell you what, I'm going to keep coming back to this section and keep on yelling at people to put the flags down. It's my god given right to figure out a way to ruin this socialist ball."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr Yarborough as he loudly argues about the stupidity of the offside rule to anyone that will listen.

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