Solitary Man Enters US Open Cup

Anchorage, AK- Entered as Dave United, Dave Williams of Anchorage, Alaska reportedly made the final entrant list of the 2018 US Open Cup giving the middle management IT networking professional just a few weeks to assemble a team in order to play.

"I'm in," casually stated Williams to friends and family. "I can't wait for the glory of winning the cup!"

Williams realized that being from Anchorage allowed him a geographic isolation that would force teams without a travel budget to forfeit their games against him. He consistently bid for home field advantage and swept through the early rounds of the US Open Cup as an undefeated side before setting a date to play FC Aurora.

"Dave United is a new team for a new world," stated Williams to his Dave United Facebook Page currently liked by only his mother and his friend Paul. "Dave United is bold. Dave United is innovative. Dave United is very, very Dave. People like my mother say that Dave United is THE flagship Anchorage side and we can't wait to bring the cup back to the city."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Williams considers whether he will let anyone join Dave United that isn't named Dave.

Donald Trump Appoints Ivan Savvidis As MLS Liaison For New Guns On Fields Program

WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump announced, on Tuesday, that he appointed Pan-Thessalonian Athletic Club of Constantinopolitans (PAOK) owner Ivan Savvidis as Major League Soccer (MLS) liaison for his new Guns on Fields program.

"You call that VAR?"

"Ivan is a great guy. Guns are neat. We need more of them to protect us from terrorists and people who aren't white," stated President Trump to The Nutmeg News. "This program is the best. It shows why my poll numbers are greater than Jesus. I might be Jesus. Guns for everyone!"

Department officials with the National Rifle Association say that Savvidis will head up the Guns On Fields program as a way to arm all MLS owners.

"We feel that the only way to stop the incessant violence on the field is if all owners and players are carrying handguns," stated NRA spokesman Ian Michael Douche. "We must arm Merritt Paulson, Robb Heineman, and Arthur Blank with Glock hand guns and AR-15 rifles. More guns on fields, more owners and players with guns will level the playing field against the constant barrage of terrorist attacks and home invasions that our nations soccer fields currently have to suffer from places like Chicago.... a notoriously gun free place."

NRA statisticians say that their plan is to outfit all players and owners in MLS with guns and then move on to arming all MLB and Hockey players. The organization remains tight lipped on whether this program will extend to the NBA.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the check clears.

Dumb In-Joke Scarf Not Selling As Well As Man Anticipated

Portland, OR - A dumb in-joke scarf made to celebrate an inadvertent comment by Timbers fan Jeremy Little was, reportedly, not selling as well as creator Tyler Evans anticipated leaving Evans with a mass quantity of scarf bundles.

More scarfs for the scarf god!

"I thought everyone knew about Ty's yelled aloud statement of, 'Panties And Wins Are Things I'm Down With,' in section 105 at the end of the 2017 season," stated Evans to The Nutmeg News. "I mean, we went through the mockup phase and no one said that this was a bad idea, well... no one I'd listen to."

Evans created a green and white scarf with the slogan, "Panties And Wins Are Things I'm Down With," on one side and a composite image of an axe with an overlay of women's underwear.

"As God is my witness, I thought everyone saw the hashtag on twitter," stated Evans as he frantically tweeted out another link to the order page. "Everyone wants custom scarves and this was the in-joke of the year with my 10 or so friends that heard Jerm's statement."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Evans announces he will donate all the proceeds to charity as soon as he has some proceeds.

Joey Saputo Celebrates As He Resists Urge To Fire Rémi Garde After Opening Day Loss

MONTREAL - Joey Saputo, the president of the Montreal Impact, celebrated his recent attempt at patience as he resisted the urge to fire head coach Rémi Garde after the opening day loss against the Vancouver Whitecaps.

Don't get TOO comfortable, Rémi

"I've been working on self control," stated Saputo to The Nutmeg News. "And I feel like this is a great moment for me, so I'm going to take a little break and celebrate having the willpower to avoid having 6 head coaches since 2011."

Sources indicate that after Mauro Biello departed the team in October of 2017, a reflective Saputo made a priority out being patient for the 2018 season, at least until October.

"I'm 100% behind Rémi," stated Saputo. "I'm here for him, until I'm not, but I'm not not going to be there for him when I need to not be there to be there for him if he needs me there at all, which he will not, unless he does."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Saputo starts getting an itchy feeling around October/November.

Defending Champion, Toronto FC, On Pace To Miss Playoffs

TORONTO - In a shocking development from Major League Soccer (MLS), defending MLS Cup Champion Toronto FC are on pace to miss the playoffs if the season ended today.

Pundits and fans alike were shocked by the development as TFC crashed out of the regular season and post season via a loss to the Columbus Crew, on Saturday.

"After last season I thought things were going to be different for them," stated CBC Correspondent Guy Lafleur. "Then we see that things aren't that much different at all."

"I think it's time to hit the panic button, sell all the players and start fresh," stated TFC fan Andrea Howser. "We need to accept that this is a lost season and that we are just going to have to build for next year."

Insider sources within the organization say that the TFC brass was apoplectic after the loss on Saturday stating that no one's job is safe.

"We didn't spend all this money to struggle this bad," stated one source from inside the front office. "Heads will roll, mark my word.... heads... will... roll"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when fans decide to protest in game 2 of the season.

Casual Friday Not What Soccer Supporter Thought It Would Be

Philadelphia, PA - Entering the office yelling, "U WOT M8," soccer supporter Isaac Redmond was reportedly surprised to find out that Casual Friday at his workplace was not what he thought it would be.

Sporting a Flatcap, a Stone Island jacket, Fred Perry polo, a Burberry scarf and Adidas Spezial shoes, Redmond immediately noticed that his coworkers were simply wearing jeans and t-shirts with beat up Converse sneakers or Crocks defying the mandate of Casual Friday.

"I'm ready for a right BOVVER, ya cunts," emailed Redmond to his workplace distribution group as he received a notification for an immediate meeting with Human Resources. 

Redmond replied to the meeting notification with a denial notification and a specific message that stated, "SPEZIALE LIBERO! #NoPyroNoParty #AHRAB #ACAB."

"I'm not certain what these lads are up to," stated Redmond to The Nutmeg News. "They are acting like they want a prawn sandwich. We need to get out there and bust up some heads and not cave to the old bill."

Co-workers state that Redmond opened a Strongbow over lunch and initiated a conversation with his boss that started with, "Wot, mate? Fuckin City's on a blinder, innit?"

Redmond then finished lunch, lit off a flare and smoke bomb that he dropped on the floor of the reserved stall in the company bathroom and strolled away to head to the pub for a, "nice lager and some chips."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Redmond manages to ruin Casual Friday for everyone.

"I Am Not In Shape For This," Gasps Red Bull Supporter 20 Minutes Into Game

Harrison, NJ - While pogoing extensively in the South Ward, tonight, Red Bull New York fan Sean Hamilton gasped, "I am not in shape for this," as he attempted to hold it together during the CONCACAF Champions League game against CD Olimpia.

More pogo? You guys? Are we sure? Anyone want to start a chant where we sit down?

Hamilton spent the entirety of the offseason eating junk food and attempting to switch from IPA's to Stout beers as his preparation for the season kicked into overdrive.

Concerned friends asked Hamilton if he was ok as he momentarily grabbed his knees and bent over at the waist in some futile attempt to collect more oxygen into his lungs. Mr Hamilton, reportedly, then wondered out loud if he was starting to get a bit too old for this.

According to sources within the stadium, New York fan Tony Mayhew stated, "the only way you are getting through this is with another beer," to which Mr Hamilton obliged as the sweat mixed in with the rain on his face.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Hamilton calls in sick to work due to some cold or fl.u that he picked up Thursday night.

Unoriginal Arsenal Fan Starts Preparing #WengerOut Sign For MLS Opening Game

San Jose, CA - Desperately unoriginal Arsenal and San Jose Earthquakes fan Jack Ingram began preparing a #WengerOUT sign for the upcoming Earthquakes home opener game of the 2018 season while watching Arsenal lose 3-0 to Manchester City.

"If there's something that everyone loves it's fans bringing signs and banners that have absolutely nothing to do with either of the teams playing," stated Ingram to The Nutmeg News. "Traditionally I would've made something for Wondolowski, but now I'm going to spend a few hours ensuring that I have a well made and laminated #WengerOUT sign."

Friends state that Ingram frequently threatened to bring a WengerOUT sign if things did not improve for Arsenal, but previously held off. This season, though, Ingram has been strident that he will do anything to remove Wenger from his, "unmitigate corruption of all things holy in the world," as Ingram ranted on his Facebook page.

"Jack's just going to say it's all a joke," stated friend Dominic Gooden. "But you don't make a dumb sign like that and take it to a game that has nothing to do with Arsenal to have it be a joke. I've told him a million times that it's dumb to bring that sign to an Earthquakes game, but....Jack's Jack.... if you know what I mean."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a confident Ingram readies for his moment in the sun.

President Trump Pushes USSF To Use FIFA Gamers For US Men's National Team

WASHINGTON - Stating, "video games get bigly results," a seemingly syphilitic Donald Trump reportedly pressured the US Soccer Federation (USSF) to utilize the nation's FIFA Gamers for the United States Men's National Team.

According to insider sources, President Trump came to this conclusion after conflating School Violence with Violent Video games as he suddenly exclaimed, "I know how to fix the United States Men's National Team."

With the federation calling in gamers from across the United States for a camp and scrimmage in Bradenton, Florida, sources indicate that the results have been mixed, so far.

"Well, um.... it appears that video games don't really seem to translate to real life," stated one anonymous assistant coach. "Honestly, I don't think any of these guys have kicked a ball recently..... maybe ever. I'm not certain how this is going to work out. They keep yelling stuff like TRIANGLE, TRIANGLE, and I thought they were trying a formation shift, but then they said that's how they get a through ball."

The Nutmeg News was able to confirm that FIFA player Jason "DicksOutForHaramBentner" Lewis was called into the national team and he reported that the setup was, "dope."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when USSF orders twenty cases of Mountain Dew in order to get the best performance out of the national team.