WASHINGTON - Stating, "video games get bigly results," a seemingly syphilitic Donald Trump reportedly pressured the US Soccer Federation (USSF) to utilize the nation's FIFA Gamers for the United States Men's National Team.
According to insider sources, President Trump came to this conclusion after conflating School Violence with Violent Video games as he suddenly exclaimed, "I know how to fix the United States Men's National Team."
With the federation calling in gamers from across the United States for a camp and scrimmage in Bradenton, Florida, sources indicate that the results have been mixed, so far.
"Well, um.... it appears that video games don't really seem to translate to real life," stated one anonymous assistant coach. "Honestly, I don't think any of these guys have kicked a ball recently..... maybe ever. I'm not certain how this is going to work out. They keep yelling stuff like TRIANGLE, TRIANGLE, and I thought they were trying a formation shift, but then they said that's how they get a through ball."
The Nutmeg News was able to confirm that FIFA player Jason "DicksOutForHaramBentner" Lewis was called into the national team and he reported that the setup was, "dope."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this when USSF orders twenty cases of Mountain Dew in order to get the best performance out of the national team.