American Soccer Fans Very Excited For Utterly Meaningless And Overpriced Barcelona/Madrid Game

Soccer fans the nation over were, reportedly, passionately inflamed with interest and excitement as the American edition of El Cashico was announced with the Real Madrid v Barcelona game to be played in Miami on July 29th.

CASH

GRAB

MILLIONARES!

"I'm very excited," stated Deryk Fayweather of Orlando. "I plan on purchasing as many tickets as I can and reselling them to make a profit off idiots who think that this game actually matters. It's going to be a good Christmas in the Fayweather house this year."

North American based fans of the two teams were unabashedly thrilled at the possibility of paying way too much money for a terrible seat to watch uninterested players faff about on the field.

"My god in heaven," exclaimed Barcelona fan Matthew West of Kansas City. "This is going to be great. I am already making plans to attend this game until I find out how much it is going to cost me to attend this game, then I plan on making pithy comments about it on twitter."

With the game scheduled for the doldrums of July, many fans of Real Madrid are reportedly worried about who will actually play.

"If Ronaldo isn't going to play, I'm not going," stated Sandra Sothersbee of Nashville. "I'm only going to this game if I have a chance to make a really big deal about how he stands over the ball on a free kick only to then check out of the game emotionally after I realize that no one really cares."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more people figure out how to squeeze money from North American soccer fans.

Entire Sounders Season Rests On Result Of Game Two

Seattle, WA - Unbeknownst to most Seattle Sounders fans, sources indicate that the entire season rests on the result of game two of the Major League Soccer (MLS) season against the Montreal Impact.

"We looked at the data. We crunched the numbers," stated the Director of Statistics, String Theory and Juvenile Lyrics at Johns Hopkins, Carla Overbeak. "Basically the entirety of the season for the defending champions will come down to game two against Montreal. Win and a veritable golden shower of riches awaits. Lose and they might as well just pack it all in, abandon the season and try to set everything back up for 2018."

Reportedly, fans were unaware of this development as many Sounders Fans seemed to indicate that their perspective was one of the long game of waiting for the second half of the season. However, "maths don't lie," stated Overbeak.

"Trust us. We fed these numbers into a computer. This is absolutely 100% accurate. A loss tomorrow will end the career of Brian Schmetzer, the Space Needle will be ransacked by Brougham End Air Pirates and the underground people of Bainbridge Island will finally announce themselves ready to take over the mainland. It's going to be chaos."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when we secure an interview with the mole people.

"Promotion/Relegation Would Prepare Arsenal For Champions League," State Experts

Soccering experts around the New Jersey and Denver areas agree that promotion and relegation implemented in the English leagues would better prepare Arsenal for the UEFA Champions League.

What a bunch of schlubs.

"Arsenal was just placed in the Champions League, just like Minnesota. I mean, they basically bought there way in. If England had promotion/relegation this would have prepared them for the rigors of the Champions League. Instead what you have are two back-to-back 5-1 games, just like Minnesota United in the so-called Major League Soccer (MLS)," stated Promotion And Relegation advocate Dick Whitting. "Everyone knows that Promotion and Relegation would have prepared the team through merciless capitalism to prepare for the rigors of a home and home against Bayern Munich."

Reportedly, Whitting's nonsensical rambling included statements as to the vagaries of implementing a multi-tiered national structure that would make the English team the victor of the Champions League.

"We need to implement true P&R in North America in order for our clubs to compete in the CONCACAF Champions League and the English need it to compete better in the Champions League. We can make this dream happen!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Whitting finds more things about which to complain.

Usage Of "The MLS" Causes Universe To Implode Into Stark Nothingness

Earth, Milky Way - Denizens of Planet Earth were dismayed to find out that usage of "The MLS" as a league descriptor by online blog The Wall Street Journal caused the universe to implode into stark nothingness as the entirety of mankind was truly wiped out by a gramatical error, late Monday evening.

HAIL SAGAN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Researchers for the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) stated that they are not surprised that everyone is now dead as earlier in the year the Large Hadron Collider, during a production data run, manifested information that the usage of THE MLS and total apocalyptic galaxy inversion was bound to happen.

"It may seem insane, but it does appear that the stability of our galaxy is tied to the usage of Major League Soccer (or MLS) rather than THE and the aforementioned," stated scientist and tap dancer Lavonne Sanderson.  "Over a period of time we explored string theory, chaos theory, the big bang, God, everything... but it actually is the usage of MLS over THE MLS that causes existence to continue unabated. And, as we found out, the Wall Street Journal just killed us all."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we report from the darkside of the moon on Alpha Beta Base Shatner as we live our final moments in peace with the singular thought that out there somewhere is a satellite hurtling towards a civilization that will know nothing of our The MLS

Clap 👏 Emoji 👏 Overuse 👏 Ruins 👏 Salient 👏 Point

CHICAGO - A thoughtful and salient point, on Twitter, about the opening weekend of Major League Soccer was ruined by an overuse of the clap emoji which caused many followers of @breathefootballUSA to skip right over the tweet in question.

CLAPHANDS!

"We thought that the clap emoji would be a great way to get the interest of more people," stated David Whithers, director, president, vice-president and dictator pro-tem of Breathe Football Networks (a Tripod webhost organization). "There's been a lot of use of the clap emoji on soccer twitter recently. We wanted to get on the bandwagon. We may have gotten on the bandwagon too late."

Reportedly, dozens of fans of the site immediately skipped by the tweet in question as they stated, "Oh great, not that shit again," while trying to find gifs of the David Accam goal.

National pollsters Gallup reported that people in the age range of 0 to death are tired of the twitter clap emoji meme as new polls show that 9 out of 10 people just hate anything to do with emojis, with the 10th person being a serial killer named EMOJIBOB who uses clap emoji's to tag his crime scenes.

"I guess the clap emoji is pretty dead," stated Whithers. "However, we are going to start using On Fleek, next week. That's still on fleek, right?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Whithers discovers the difference between Bey and Bae.

United Draw As United Lose Big As United Lose Late

The opening weekend in Major League Soccer (MLS) was eventful as United lost late after United drew after United lost big.

The total number of "United" teams expected in Major League Soccer

"We thought that United might struggle this year as we also thought United would be better this season as we also thought that United played pretty well," stated MLS statistical analyst Jeremy Gouche. "We also thought that United played better than we thought United would play and was only second to our overall thought that United also played very poorly at times, but also very well in their draw."

Reportedly fans were both elated, upset and nonplussed at the results for United this weekend as they were looking forward to next weekend.

"United are going to dominate next weekend, but we also expect United to lose and United may also lose or draw," stated Gouche. "So set your fantasy lineup to make certain you include United players, but also don't include United players, and maybe pick up this United player because he is going to be ok against the matchup."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as United play United while United wait for United.

"That'll Put That Woman In Her Place," States @ussoccer

CHICAGO - US Soccer today stated, "that'll put that woman in her place," after enacting bylaws that mandate players stand for national anthems in response to their fragile sensibilities being hurt by the stance of Megan Rapinoe.

WE MUST STOP THE SCOURAGE OF WOMEN HAVING OPINIONS AND STUFF AND KNEELING AND BASICALLY THINKING.

"WE... THE COLLECTED OLD MEN OF US SOCCER ARE VERY SCARED BY THESE DEVELOPMENTS OF  PLAYERS... SPECIFICALLY WOMEN... DOING THINGS WE DON'T LIKE," stated the press release from US Soccer that dictated the new rules. "We only accept conformity and absolute adherence to decorum."

Insiders report that US Soccer is completely fine with xenophobic and bigoted comments by their players and staff but WILL NOT STAND for someone kneeling during an anthem.

"Making comments about players not born in the United States not being American is fine, but if you refuse to stand for an Anthem... well CONSARN IT... WE WILL NOT STAND FOR THAT.  OR WE WILL... ITS VERY CONFUSING," stated Sunil Gulati.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer forces players to sign a blood oath to defend the land against infidels, before every game.

"It's Just Not Like The Old Days Anymore," States Veteran Atlanta United Supporter

Atlanta, GA - Buckland neighborhood watch captain and Atlanta United supporter Carl Thomas stated, "It's just not like the old days anymore," as he reminisced about the nascent days of being an Atlanta United fan.

The halcyon early days of 2016.

"It was hard days being an Atlanta United fan, back in the day," stated a wistful Thomas as he told the story of the old days to the n00bs getting stuck in to the team. "We had the hard work ahead of us with the formation of the team, the updating of the standards, the formation of supporters groups. Why it was everything we could to hold out the fascists and right wing ultras groups in the early 2017s. Not like today, where everyone is on board and the sport is popular."

Thomas told of early battles on the terraces of Chattanooga where men and women made their stars and the campaign of, "getting people together at a bar somewhere..... preferably where there is a happy hour... like.... you know... to talk soccer n'shit" was waged.

"Why, we used to have skins, heads, antifa, rude boys, punks, riot grrls, fourth wave feminists, communists, black bloc agitators, union members, leftist Bolshevik dissidents, metal heads, emocore dubstep operators, hairdressers, sportos, motorheads, geeks, pro-body-image-sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, dickheads, one guy from Sandy Springs who brought cookies, Hawks fans and Methodists in our ranks. It was diverse. Now it's just all those people but like 49,000 more. The energy is just diluted. It really is just not like the old days, these days."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thomas spends the first 5 minutes of the upcoming game with his arms crossed before letting the magic of soccer transport him to his happy place.

The Nutmeg News Pre-Season MLS Power Rankings - Final Edition

#1 Your Team

Your team is going to be great this year! Trust us. Ignore everyone else. Use this to batter them into submission. After all, your offense? Fine. Defense? Going to be OK. That player who was bad last season? He'll be great. That player your team acquired? Going to work out! <-- look, ITALICS!

Real Size.

#2 That team you kinda like that is in a different conference

You got a scarf from them when you visited, their city is nice, their fans don't hate you and you like their beer.

#3 That team you kinda like that is in your conference

You got a scarf from them in pre-season, their city is nice, their fans don't hate you and you tolerate their beer.

#4 A team with United in the name

Shrug emoticon. Social media on point. Ok fans, gotta put this team somewhere.

#5 The team we scouted on youtube

EURODISCOMUSIC!

#6 The team that gives up on the regular season

USOC Winner. Doesn't make the playoffs.

#7 The team that will overcompensate with a DP buy that backfires

Otherwise known as the Nery Castillo Memorial Award.

GET IN

#8 The team relying on a paper thin roster

Early surge, late failure

#9 Are they still playing that one guy who sucks? How do we spin THAT

"Whoa, I didn't know he was still in the league," you say as you watch the game from your couch.

#10 Um..................................................... Orlando.

Sure, why not.

#11 The part where we got tired, flipped a coin and put the team here

THIS TEAM IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

#12 The part where we got drunk and played that bat spinning game until someone puked and we said it was good enough so this team should work at 12

Supporters Shield Winners. Knocked out in first round of playoffs.

Journalistic Integrity

#13 The part where we got tired and picked names out of a hat

Is going to fire their head coach in 5 months

#14 The part where we got tired and threw darts at team names

Should fire their head coach but holds on in hope that something changes while fans just stop giving a crap.

#15 The team WE know nothing about

Eastern Conference Winners

#16 The team we almost forgot to include

Western Conference Winners

#17 The OTHER team we know nothing about

Will likely win MLS Cup

#18 Chivas USA

VAMOS CHELIS!

A Muerte!

#19 The team you know nothing about

No wins on the road

#20 The team that everyone thinks is universally awful

Late Surge for pride, early and overwhelmingly consistent failure

#21 That team you don't particularly like

Their fans are assholes, amiright?

#22 That team you hate

THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE AN AWFUL YEAR, THEIR FANS SUCK AND THEIR TEAM IS GOING TO IMPLODE AGAINST YOUR TEAM. ARE YOU MOLLIFIED?

ANDREW HAUPTMAN MEMORIAL WOODEN SPOON WINNERS

It's Glorious.

#23 Miami Fusion

Big ups to Ray Hudson

#24 Tampa Bay Mutiny

Big Ups to Valderrama.

#25 Miami Vice Beckham FC

See how awful that name is? SEE? ARE YOU LOOKING?

Soccer Journalist Starts Blog And Twitter Account On Form 1120 Corporate Tax Filing

NEW YORK - According to sources, soccer journalist Davis Wall stated, "This'll show em," as he started a blog and twitter account to report on the complexities of Form 1120 Corporate Tax Filing from an outsiders perspective.

Wall was fed up with so-called amateur experts starting blogs and twitter accounts on Soccer, so he decided to feed these experts their comeuppance by reporting on the things that THEY get paid to do. Specifically, he decided to chase the World's Game of Corporate Tax Filing and the vagaries of the United States tax code.

"I mean, this will really show those fake sports bloggers what is up, because my blog on C Corporation debt liability and the vagaries of S Corporation shareholder reports is going to blow these TAM/GAM articles out of the water."

Wall stated, to our reporters, that his original intent was to shake up the establishment of the United States Tax Code, but ran into a problem when his careful blogging and analytics of the current corporate taxholder/shareholder situation in the United States resulted in him being offered a paying job as an accountant.

"I didn't really intend for that to happen, but it appears that in any OTHER profession than sports writing.... if you are good at something, you eventually can get paid for it. Now I have to decide if I want to continue sports writing or if I want to take this lucrative position to work 60 hours a week at an accounting firm. Not all of us were lucky enough to graduate with Arizona State with a degree in business. Some of us went to Emerson and got a degree in Journalism. I still can’t believe I’m paying that off"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wall accepts the position but only if he can continue to blog about his true passion of sports.

Soccer Fan Will Get Around Updating Blog Once She Finishes Her 13 Hour Job And Taking Care Of The Kids

Kansas City, MO - Soccer fan and veteran blogger Stacy Norwood stated that she will get around to updating her well read blog on Women's Soccer and the current stories for the She Believes Cup when she finishes the work on her 13 hour job, taking care of the kids, responding to emails, responding on twitter and getting ready for the next day.

Drink one of these and get back to us in an hour with some updates to your story on Joanna Lohman.

"Thank goodness that I've got all these national journalists whose job it is to actually write on the sport fumbling around so that people still read my stuff," stated Norwood to The Nutmeg News. "It's not even that much fun anymore because I have so much going on in my life that I seriously can't devote enough time to something that has just turned into an outlet for my current disgruntled situation."

Norwood states that she gets help from her partner of 20 years, but that their schedules are both busy while trying to stay on top of bills, work and taking care of a small family.

"I've been in communication with a few people who say that I can get a weekly spot writing some content for a few major publications, but that stuff is just for exposure and isn't going to lead to any kind of paying job," stated Norwood. "So not only am I expected to take care of my own soccer blog, work, and life, but now I need to generate content for theirs... for free. It is clearly a great situation for me, and this is why sleep is not necessary. Even if I could find a paying job writing on sports, at this point, I wouldn't be able to take it because it isn't going to actually pay me enough to take care of my family nor pay me enough money to be able to justify the time commitment I'd be expected to put in to craft actual decent content. I'm not really even certain what the hell I'm doing anymore."

Norwood claims that her day starts by ingesting as much caffeine as she possibly can while waking up at 5:30 am in order to get a jump on the day and beat all the calls she gets when the offices open on the East Coast in order to respond to people about story ideas and content via email and try to come up with a draft of a new article on the injury to Canadian player Diana Matheson while simultaneously working on the edits to a piece about Jill Ellis during the upcoming tournament, and looking at the clock hoping that she doesn't get a meeting request by 7:00 am.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this, right after we go read some tweets from paid sportswriters complaining about the difficulty of their jobs.