Not To Be Outdone, LA Galaxy Remind Everyone Of Andrew Shue

LOS ANGELES - In an effort to seize the narrative back from Los Angeles FC (LAFC) and their emerging, celebrity soaked brand, the Los Angeles Galaxy went out of their way to remind everyone that they still know Andrew Shue.

Melrose Place?! No one? No one remembers Melrose Place? C'MON PEOPLE.

"The LA Galaxy are no strangers to celebrity either" read the press release sent out today. "While we may not have Will Ferrell, we were all thrilled with veteran Major League Soccer player and A-list Hollywood celebrity Andrew Shue when he played for the LA Galaxy back in 1996. As all of you well know, Andrew Shue was the biggest celebrity back in 1996/1997 with his expansive range burning up the screen as Billy Campbell and his ability to also suit up for the LA Galaxy at that time far exceeds what Will Ferrell would bring to our organization."

The LA Galaxy also included headshots of Shue's time with the team in their press release as well as a flow chart indicating how stupid "Get Hard" was.

Capos Call Council Of Riviera To Prevent Supporters Group Schism

LAS VEGAS - Capos across all levels of soccer in North America have flocked to the Las Vegas Strip, recently, as their order called a holy council at the Riviera Hotel and Casino in an effort to stem off a continent wide supporters group schism over the usage of heretical and incorrect words in the "Wings Of An Eagle" song.

Verily, when one brother hath spake of another brother utilizing the first brother as a source for song, the song singer may not be considered apostate.

While standards in liturgy have long been debated within the circles of elder capos that gather yearly during a break in season to speak with one each other, the actual effort to stem off a continent wide schism was born out of the frustration of hearing people sing both

"If I had the ass/arse of a cow"

"If I had the ass/arse of a crow"

The Nutmeg News was able to confirm that delegations from across the continent gathered at the holy anointed slot machine and drink station to debate the challenge to the orthodox liturgy. Delegations from Kansas City, New England, Vancouver, Orlando, DC United, Detroit City, New York Cosmos, Arizona United, Minnesota United, Real Salt Lake, Fort Lauderdale,  NYCFC, St Louis, Louisville, Jacksonville, Red Bull New York, Toronto, Sacramento, Tulsa, Oklahoma City, Ottawa, Edmonton, Portland, Dallas, and Colorado were all present while the bishop of the Holy Brougham See reportedly sent a vine back stating, "We haveth not a care nor whim. We simply do not careth one bit."

The Nutmeg News spoke to the leaders of Western Orthodox Order of the Illuminated Crow about their position at the Council of Riviera to see what they hoped to gain.

"We gather here to show the one true light that is the sacred word, that word being Crow. We spake thereof the holy word Crow and the gospel of the Crow, so say we all. For those that use the word of evil, that word of false flatulence that will sully their countenance with the abomination that is the word Cow shall be cast down in the lower levels of the NPSL to burn for all eternity in the fires of hell. And so shall they be clothed not in fine raiment but in sackcloth bargain Chivas USA jersey and covered in the ashes that settle upon their field from a refinery. SO SAY WE ALL!"

The Western Orthodox Order of the Illuminated Crow continued to argue that one cannot rhyme cow with below as it signifies moral decay and "totally doesn't rhymeth, brethren."

On the opposite side of the Western Orthodox Order of the Illuminated Crow stands the Eastern Ecumenical Diocese of The Fragrant Cow who have released the following statement, "The apostates will suffer great scalding burns and lesions upon their extremities for the forced usage of the word which we shall not say. The way and light shines upon the Cow and long may we rest within its loving embrace. When we sing our songs on our day of Sabbath we say that if we had the ass of a cow, long may we shit on those bastards below, as the quantity will be great and the fecal matter stinky. May the light and blessing of the cow shine upon you."

While the council postured against each other with neither side being willing to sacrifice any of their long standing platitudes, a third group convened near the penny slots to witness the event and interject their beliefs. The Asinum Deus, formally known as the Prelature of the Holy Hiney, come from a more recent schism formed when they felt an impasse was reached after demanding a rejection all things of English descent. They released the following official statement while also noting quite vocally that they were not waving incense while doing so as that part of the sacrament descends from English tradition as well.

“Asinum Deus stands firm upon the modern precepts of rejecting all things English and thus must state our righteous indignation over either group, Cow or Crow alike, using the word 'arse' in place of 'ass.' Furthermore, if followers of the Illuminated Crow stand by their choice because of the perfect rhyme scheme it creates they must also stand with us and reject any use of ‘arse’ as it forms an imperfect rhyme with ‘bastards.’ Were they to not to stand with Asinum Deus, they stand condemned as hypocrites and their impiety will be made plain for all to see as they are set afire upon a pyre of righteousness. "

When asked about claims made by both the Fragrant Cow and Illuminated Crow that Asinum Deus is seeking to reject all things English from a chant that was lifted entirely from English sources, they replied with, “That would be an ecumenical matter."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Council Of Riviera continues.

National Football League Offers Peter Nowak Head Coaching Position After Abuse, Hazing, and Concussion Denial Claims Appear

San Francisco, CA - The National Football League (NFL) has, reportedly, offered Peter Nowak a head coaching position with the San Francisco 49ers after it became evident from released documents, due to his lawsuit, that Nowak was a power crazed megalomaniac that denied the existence of concussions and hazed his rookie players.

Nowak during happier days, from big soccer.... that place you said you would never visit again, but you started surfing the archives and half your day disappeared.

"This is the kinda fella we NEED back in the NFL" stated Jed York, CEO of the San Francisco 49ers. "We've been inundated so much with these touchy-feely wimps that talk about the health and safety of our players it is nice to finally hear about someone withholding water on a forced 10 mile run and calling concussed players pussies."

While the Philadelphia Union remained mum on the Nowak lawsuit, former players stated that they thought Nowak would do well in an environment with absolutely no safety checks where unadulterated masculine tendencies take form in what is essentially gladiators slowly killing each other for the entertainment of millions.

"Yeah, It's all fun and games until he tells you to rub some dirt on your torn hamstring and calls you a pussy for getting a drink of water" said one unidentified player. "He should do great in the NFL. Fuck that guy."

This is my ball. There are many others like it, but this one is mine. My ball is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my ball is useless. Without my ball, I am useless.

The Nutmeg News attempted to speak with Nowak, but we were informed that he was attempting to convince Rolston Williams to march the Antigua and Barbuda national team players across the country over to a private beach where they would build Nowak a summer house in the blazing sun while Nowak plays Wagner over loud speakers and screams "WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION" when someone drops a nail.

Artist interpretation of Peter Nowak on the Job.... and that worked out fine for everybody in the end, right?

Man Plans Elaborate Deconstruction Of Jurgen Klinsmann When Twitter Goes To 10,0000 Characters

Boston, MA - Nathan Stevenson, brilliant tactical mastermind and salesman for the third largest yogurt distributor in the nation, has announced his plans for an elaborate deconstruction of Jurgen Klinsmann when Twitter changes from 144 characters to 10,000 characters

Created by @danprimack

"THIS will FINALLY take the German bastard down" stated Stevenson on his twitter page to his 3 followers and 23 pornbots. "I'm going to save United States soccer one 10,000 character tweet at a time, and I expect... nay I KNOW that this will finally finish his reign of terror."

While Mr Stevenson is mum on the intricacies of his statements, he is reportedly bullish on the future of 10,000 character tweets and his ability to annoy the living shit out of followers and hashtags by tagging things as "MUST READ" and "VITAL STATEMENT."

"I know that my truths must be known and that my ability to write a strong worded 10,000 character tweet will expose Klinsmann as the fraud that he is. I'm just going ape-shit on his ass and Sunil Gulati will have to pay attention."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr Stevenson as he is unfollowed by his friend Gerry who just has had enough.

Orlando City Capo Goes Shirtless During January For Pre-Season Training

Orlando, FL - Orlando City SC capo James 'The Nuke' Gregory has taken to a strict training regiment for his pre-season training in order to get ready for the upcoming Major League Soccer (MLS) season that starts in March.

NO GODS! NO MASTERS! NO SHIRTS!

"Yeah, I've gone completely shirtless for the month of January," stated Mr. The Nuke to our reporter on Tuesday morning. "It's a sacrifice that I'm willing to make for the team to be ready for the upcoming season and my need to be shirtless for each game during the 2016 season." 

While walking around shirtless in perpetual 60 to 70 degree weather may seem like insanity, Mr The Nuke has indicated that he is willing to do anything in order to be prepared to scream, "SING LOUDER" at 21 year old kids chugging their first Heineken.

"I'm even getting laser hair removal around my nipples as the one time I shaved my chest, the team won," stated Mr The Nuke. "It's important for me to sacrifice my follicles in order to be ready. This is a tough job, but I'll be ready to give my all when I'm smoother than a sea otter and as naked as a mole rat."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr The Nuke joins a shirtless cross-fit gym in order to be fully in shape while stating on his Facebook page, "GONNA BE SWOLE. #2016 #LyfeGoals".

EDITORS NOTE - Our apologies to Mr. The Nuke as we incorrectly referred to him as Mr Nuke in a previous edition. We have corrected that above.

Woman Plots Coverage Of Toledo United For Selfish Reasons

Toledo, OH - Toledo native and 13 ABC reporter Deborah Hastings has admitted that she plans to cover new Premier League Of America team Toledo United just so she can pithily use a "Holy Toledo" column title after a particularly stirring Toledo United comeback win.

United we try to find affordable housing for our players while acknowledging the limits of our budget.

"I try to shoehorn it in nearly any place that I can, but no one really cares about utilizing the phrase Holy Toledo for budgetary reforms and voting procedures during city council meetings," stated Hastings. "Sports gives me the one avenue to really cash in on my ability to execute the Holy Toledo line and I plan on using it, over and over and over again."

While unable to accurately describe exactly why she enjoys utilizing what is likely a 1930's phrase akin to "get on the trolley", Ms Hastings stated that she didn't care. "I'm working in conjunction with 13-ABC to cover sports in Toledo. At best we have stories about Whitmer, the University of Toledo, the Mud Hens, and The Walleyes. There's a lack of Toledo related stories and I'm planning on using this opportunity to go whole hog on hackney'd phrases and backwater slang. Hell, the last time we used the phrase Holy Toledo was when we covered the Toledo Mud Hens new menu choices during April of 2015 and they announced a Holy Toledo Chicken Sandwich at the BirdCage Bar and Grill. I honestly can't tell you how excited I am at this opportunity. "

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms Hastings tries, over the course of the season, to weigh the importance of which game best fits the description of Holy Toledo.

Los Angeles FC Construct Intricate Four Option Twitter Poll

LOS ANGELES - In an effort to remain relevant during their sabbatical with existence, Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) spent their holiday retreat planning a Burning Man display and constructing an intricate four option Twitter poll.

The retreat began with a 2 hour discourse of twitter polls based on the above tweet and whether or not Skee-Lo was a hater or not, and whether or not Skee-Lo references were vintage enough to be considered cool again.

"Millenials," stated LAFC's director of marketing DJ Hoshimura Nairu.  "Millenials, Millenials, Millenials, Dab, Vape, Millenials, reddit, PLAYA, DOGE!" 

While not much was able to be gleaned from Mr Nairu's incoherent babble, LAFC were able to confirm that they spent roughly 5 days and 4 quarts of mescaline figuring out the appropriate level of totally on fleek options to add to their 4 option Twitter poll. 

"Millenials know millenials" stated LAFC's chef de Cuisine and brand skateboarding adviser Ryan Sheckler.  "We are here to really get to know our fan-base with twitter questionnaires and random persicope streams of our office trying to kickflip a soccer ball off our skateboards into a wastebasket to tell us who will win the Champions League. Shits tight, yo."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when LAFC release their new twitter poll after teasing it with "Major Announcement" status updates.

Obafemi Martins To Change Obaflip Celebration To Ornate Display Of Japanese Tea Ceremony Etiquette

Seattle, WA - Obafemi Martins announced on Monday that he would be abandoning his traditional "Obaflip" celebration of a cartwheel into a backflip for an ornate and erudite celebration that involves a display of Japanese tea ceremony etiquette.

Example given by Obafemi Martins of his new celebration with Mt Ranier off in the distance.

"I have realized that the Obaflip, at my age, has begun to be dangerous. So instead I am going to show my love of tea ceremonies and my understanding of the etiquette required for formal Japanese tea ceremonies as my new, age-appropriate goal celebration" stated Martins on his Facebook post announcing the change.

Reportedly Martins will don a kimono and hakama stored at the back of the net and involve teammates in the tea ceremony celebration by having them bring the Hachi filled with Wagashi sweets followed by the optional Omogashi served with Kuromoji. The player acting as his Teishu (who reportedly will be Jordan Morris) will serve and bow to Martins before Martins picks the Kuromoji up by utilizing only his right hand and transferring one piece of Omogashi to the Kaishi paper.

Martins indicated that the goal celebration would not be over until the Shokyaku received the word that the guests (the goal scorer and the person who assisted on the goal) at the tea ceremony goal celebration had enough green tea. At this point the Shokyaku would clean up and finish the celebration and Martins would return to the field of play. 

Martins stated that the ceremony celebration may take upwards of 2 hours to complete but that once people understood the importance of ritual as it pertains to both celebrations and ceremony that they would grow to enjoy. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Martins finds that he cannot hide a Chashaku in his jock as a celebration prop.

Man Gives NASL One More Year To Overthrow The Entire Setup Of US and Canadian Soccer

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta Silverbacks fan Paul Herzog has decided to give the North American Soccer League (NASL) one more year to overthrow the entire setup of United States and Canadian Soccer before he jumps ship to an MLS team or just stops caring entirely.

Well, not entirely united... but as soon as Mr Herzog is on board, THEN Atlanta is United. Well, Mr Herzog and his friend Danny that delivers pizza, and Sophia from the Clermont Lounge, but once THEY are on board, Atlanta will be United.

"I've invested a ton of time into the idea that somehow a league with no real central core of organizing is going to inspire thousands of Americans and Canadians into a revolt against the core groups that run their federations and league while provoking the league structure and corporate entities that run and sponsor Major League Soccer to change for the better," said a clearly exasperated Mr. Herzog in an interview with The Nutmeg News.  "I'm giving the NASL one more year to completely change the entire structure of the way things are run in the United States and Canada before I jump ship."

While Mr. Herzog may have completely unrealistic ideals when it comes to the reach of the league in soccer, he has decided to believe, despite all the signs showing him the opposite, that change can happen in 2016. However, if that change doesn't happen in 2016 he plans on throwing all of his support behind Atlanta United in 2017.

"I'm a man of principles and I'm going to stick with the NASL based on those principles until my principles change in 2017. If the NASL isn't the dominant league in North American and challenging the elites internationally by then, my relationship with them is OVER!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Herzog's support for the NASL is eroded by his Aunt Vickie's birthday gift of an Atlanta United scarf and a bag of Werther's Original (sugar free).

"Plenty Of Time To Get Ready Before The Season Starts," Says New Player On Your Team

On Monday morning, that new player on your team that no one really knows anything about decided he had, "Plenty of time to get ready before the season starts" as he started power loading House Of Cards on Netflix and eating creme donuts. 

THIS IS TRAINING FOOD.

According to rumors, this player realized that the season doesn't start until March and two months is more than enough time to shed the weight he picked up over the holiday season.

"After all, it's only MLS" he drunkenly stammered to a group of friends at a New Years Eve party after he demolished more than a few champagne flutes and a bowl of Velveeta Cheese and Ro-Tel. "I've got more than enough time to be prepared."

Supposedly his other teammates have been running sprints, working on selectively building mass in the gym and trying to improve their touch during the off-season, but this specific player feels like it'll all be ok because of that one stint he had with a J-League team back in 2010 when he absolutely, totally smoked all the players in the pre-season beep test before he didn't get a contract because of, "Totally bullshit political reasons."

The newly minted MLS man posted a staged photo of him doing planks hashtagged on the fans hashtag to his Instagram account with the words "Doing WORK!" before he collapsed in the workout center of his apartment, went upstairs, drank some bourbon spiked egg-nog, ate some Christmas cookies, ate some fudge and then collapsed while he debated whether or not he needed his insulin shot. 

"I keep telling everyone, it'll be fine. I'll just play my way into the season. It's going to be great. After all, it's only Major League Soccer. I'm on my way to the English Premier League."