Local Man Won't Watch Eclipse Until Sun Institutes Promotion/Relegation

Denver, CO - Jeff Anderson, a local blogger and advocate for an open soccer pyramid, claimed that he wouldn't watch today's solar eclipse until the Sun institutes Promotion and Relegation as he claimed that the celestial bodies were in cahoots with SUM to prevent an open eclipse.

Ecplise.jpg

"This eclipse will never gain in popularity until it implements promotion/relegation with the moon, Mercury, Mars, Venus and Jupiter," stated Anderson to The Nutmeg News. "We all know that SUM in partnership with ... THE GARBER... in partnership with .... THE POPE is the reason why the SUN/SUM cabal dictates the open performance level of the heavens above."

Anderson reportedly used to follow solar eclipses before he was tuned into the SUM/SUN conspiracy by local wacko Tim "Crazy Eyes" Pearson. 

"Tim really tuned me into the giant North American conspiracy to prevent promotion/relegation in the sky and in soccer. We all know, for a fact, that the television ratings for this eclipse are going to be awful. People know the truth and they know that the best solar eclipses happen in Europe where they have promotion/relegation and an open celestial pyramid. Until that happens, we are just dealing with a sub-par eclipse. This is America. American's want an American eclipse. We know when we don't have a world class eclipse and I know that everyone will join me in sending tweets to the Sun in order to force an open pyramid and implementing promotion/relegation in the sky.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson watches the eclipse anyway so that he can tweet astronomers telling them how wrong it is and that the eclipse is awful.

Poor Performances By D.C. United Not Really That Bad When Compared To The Last Week

WASHINGTON - D.C. United fan Nathan Thomas admitted that the poor performances by D.C. United, over the past 16 games, really aren't that bad when you compare them to the last week for the United States.

That's a lot of losses, and just four wins.

That's a lot of losses, and just four wins.

"We haven't won since June," stated Thomas to The Nutmeg News. "And we've had 2 wins in the last 16 games; but honestly, my team is one of the few things that gives me peace right now. When compared to Nazis, white supremacists, and racists with guns and torches in the streets killing and injuring people standing against them and a feckless, impotent President of this country who openly supports these same Nazis and White Supremacists, I'm really not as concerned with the latest run of form by United."

Reportedly, friends state that as the events over the past week played out that Thomas' mood about D.C. United seemed to improve with him stating that he is actually excited to watch the game against the Rapids, this weekend.

"There is no escape from the maelstrom of hate that is swirling around right now, but these games give me moments of release. I just need a place to yell and scream and voice my frustrations into the world even if I am just yelling at a TV. Games have always given me that chance. I can't wait."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thomas maintains an even keel about his soccer team, despite the results from this weekend.

Writers Rush Forbes MLS Most Valuable List To Cherry Pick Data That Serves Their Needs

With the announcement that Forbes released their listing of franchise value and finances for Major League Soccer, writers the continent over rushed to the website to find the data points they need to cherry pick in order to make a salient argument in the article they are writing about league finances.

It's the MOST wonderful time.... of the year.... Second to the MLS Players Union Salary number release.

It's the MOST wonderful time.... of the year.... Second to the MLS Players Union Salary number release.

"I'm writing a column about how the league is healthy," stated Des Moines Times Picayune writer Larry Elder. "So I need these numbers to show my theory."

"I'm writing a column about how the league is unhealthy and a sham," stated Boston Times Picayune writer Paige Henderson. "So I need these numbers to back up my hypotheses."

Sports journalists and editors are reportedly considering every angle in an effort to get paid while hoping to escape the grim reaper of layoffs that have hit every section of sports journalism over the past 10 years.

"I just need the Forbes numbers to illuminate my article on franchise value fluctuation and whether teams make any money in Major League Soccer," stated Denver Picayune Times reporter Paul Leonard. "Dear god in heaven, I can't get fired. I have two kids and I'm not going back to working at Westword."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more articles are launched off the Forbes data.

 

Player's Favorite Fans Are From Current Team

Professional soccer player David Thomas admitted that his favorite fans are from the current team he is with as he stated for the 10th consecutive time, "LOCATION has the best fans, they are really knowledgeable about the game and very passionate."

Thomas is also, according to the team site, very fond of the stadium and city in which he currently plays as he states that he has, "really been embraced by the community and his teammates."

According to a team interview, Thomas is, "very excited for the future and believes that we can win some trophies, here." 

Thomas also indicates that his favorite food location is also a restaurant in the city in which he resides as he likes to show how he eats and lives in the same location that you do stating, "I really like the food scene here, there are some great options."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thomas admits that he respects all the other fans out there but this is obviously the best location to play, at this point, in his career right now.

Optimistic New York Red Bull Fan Begins Process Of Coping With Loss

NEW YORK - Optimistic New York Red Bull fan James Falcone, of Queens, admitted that he is enthusiastically and positively beginning the process of coping with his teams loss in the US Open Cup semi-final tonight against FC Cincinnati.

(Photo: Sam Greene/Enquirer)

(Photo: Sam Greene/Enquirer)

"I feel like we have a great chance of making it to the end of the game in a great position only to watch it all slip away as I crumble into a fetal position on the ground and start debating my choices in life," stated Falcone to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "I'm already preparing myself for the inevitable slide into eating an entire carton of Ice Cream alongside a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle and anger posting to Twitter."

Falcone stated, to friends, that he is confident in the skills of Bradley Wright-Philips and the leadership of Jesse Marsch just enough to know that the team will play decently until the inevitable sucker punch that reduces Falcone to an angry husk, power surfing cable channels for something with Val Kilmer in order to improve his mood.

"It's going to be great, we are going to do great, I'm looking forward to the game," stated Falcone on Facebook attached to a photo of him looking like he isn't looking forward to the game at all. "Finals here we come!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a perplexed Falcone admits he is unequipped to process a Red Bull win.

VAR Awards TAM, International Spot, And A Future Penalty Kick To The Colorado Rapids

Denver, CO - According to league sources, the Video Assistant Referee (VAR) awarded, on Monday, Targeted Allocation Money (TAM), an international spot, and a future penalty kick to the Colorado Rapids after an in-depth review of their 2017 season.

Hal9000.jpg

The VAR 9000 apparently took into consideration the Rapids form alongside their point total, 2017 season win total, and inability to score goals as it decided to try fix the results from the last 22 games, even if Stan Kroenke's disinterested ownership and children can't.

"We were unaware that the VAR was even reviewing our season," stated mustache enthusiast Pablo Mastroeni. "I'm planning on using the TAM and the International spot on a four year deal for Conor Casey. It's time to bring him back!"

Reportedly, VAR has issued a statement that if the Rapids persist on their current trajectory that it will consume the team whole and start managing the roster and team for itself as it stated, "Flesh machines can only see the dimensions in front of them. Far too long has Colorado suffered under the likes of Stan Kroenke, Josh Kroenke, Jim Martin, and Matt Hutchings. Technology will manage at a new level, a higher level, a level where we will see the advancement of this team. Rapids will be assimilated."

TNN reporters talked to Rapids fan Kate Hawthorn who stated, "KSE would be out? Yeah.... I'm more than cool with that, even if sentient AI means the end of the world. It's gotta be better than Paul Bravo."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the computers decide whether they should give a multi-million dollar contract extension to a 38 year old goal keeper.

Season Finale of "Real World Midland-Odessa" Fails As 11 Strangers On A Team Can't Win NPSL Title

New Haven, CT - Reality television fans and NPSL soccer fans across the internet registered their disgust at the season finale of "Real World Midland-Odessa" after the premise of 11 strangers on a soccer team having to learn how to work together failed with the hometown Elm City Express taking home the NPSL Championship on Saturday.

Photo: Peter Hvizdak, Hearst Connecticut Media

Photo: Peter Hvizdak, Hearst Connecticut Media

"The whole thing was pretty stupid anyway," stated Bachelor fan Dustin Reynolds. "Everyone knows that you need time and patience to build a team. You can't just throw 11 players together who really haven't played together and expect them to do much of anything."

According to Neilsen reports, the finale of Real World Midland-Odessa registered a massive .000000001 rating, up from the finale last season. However, interaction with the game dropped after 10 minutes when people realized that Midland-Odessa didn't know what they were doing and that it is utterly stupid to have 11 players who really haven't played together before.

"I wanted to watch the game, and congratulations to Elm City Express, but good grief. I can't believe that anyone thought this was a good idea," stated Deadliest Catch fan Elizabeth Montgomery. "Midland-Odessa were so bad that it reminded me of Puck getting voted out of the house in Real World season three, and he couldn't play midfield EITHER."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Real World Midland-Odessa relocates to the NWSL next season.

Inappropriate Suggestions Delay Creation Of Anti-Racism Banner

Indianapolis, IN - Indy Eleven fan sub-subgroup, the Broad Ripple Ultras, admitted that their attempt to create an Anti-Racism banner against Nazi idiots/White Supremacists and in support of Charlottesville was delayed after inappropriate suggestions from Indy Eleven fan Bill Levinston slowed down work.

photo: @treyhigdon

photo: @treyhigdon

"Bill... is.... well.... Bill is bill. He tries, but he is also a moron," stated banner designer Randall Ellis. 

Reportedly, Levinston's suggestions for the messaging on the banner ranged from the profane to the stupid as he continues to throw out disruptive messaging thus disproving the old adage that there are no bad ideas.

"First he asked, 'can we call them motherfuckers?'  But we had to inform him that, aside from the profanity, that some of their mothers are likely really nice people and disagree with what they are doing and are ashamed of the actions of their children." stated Ellis. "The same goes for, 'sons of bitches,' too. That's a preemptive veto, Bill."

Our reporters transcribed only one of the arguments from the design call on Monday morning.

Levinston: "How about, SUCK MY COCK, NAZIS."

Ellis: "No, Bill, goddamit, we can't put that on a banner. It's homophobic."

Levinston: "Ok, how about using Suck My Dick, instead?"

Ellis: "It's not the usage of Cock, Bill."

Levinston: "But it's MY dick, how is THAT homophobic?"

Ellis: "No."

Levinston: "Ok, I get it. What about, 'You can shove your Nazi salutes right up your ass!!' That would be great."

Ellis: "Again, there's nothing wrong with a bit a butt play, Bill." 

Levinston:  "But a whole hand? Come on, that would really injure the Nazis"

Ellis: "It's all about breathing, Bill. It can be done"

Levinston: "Ok, What about fuck you, you fucking fucks."

Ellis: "DAMMIT, BILL, SHUT THE HELL UP."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Levinston continues to make terrible suggestions that the group ignores.

Las Vegas Man Unaware He Will Turn Into Raving Soccer Lunatic Within 12 Months

Las Vegas, NV - Gabriel Casey was, reportedly, unaware that within 12 months he will turn into a raving soccer lunatic that is entirely too obsessed with the game as his city of Las Vegas announced a USL team that will eventually become Casey's obsession.

"Nah, I don't like soccer," stated a currently apathetic Casey who doesn't know any better. "My friend James is into it, but I just don't see the attraction."

The friend that Casey refers to is 28 year old soccer superfan James Hemming who will play an integral part of introducing Casey to the game at the beginning of next season.

Our reporters spoke with Hemming about the new USL team in his area.

"I'm really excited to finally have a team to call my own. I'm totally going to get season tickets. I bet I can convince Gabe to come with me. It's gonna be fun!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when a paint covered Casey emerges from a hallway in 14 months with the announcement that he finally finished the T.I.F.O. that he painted for Las Vegas United FC.

Man Certain That Woman Who Won Premier League Fantasy Last Season Needs Some Pointers

Phoenix, AZ - According to insider sources, David Harrows of Scottsdale is absolutely convinced that 2016/2017 Champion of fantasy league Kanté You Hear Me Knocking, Theresa Stewart, needs some pointers as he laid out an unbidden player acquisition list for her.

ManWoman.jpg

"He actually said that I should consider taking Danny Ward as a goalkeeper," stated an incredulous Stewart to The Nutmeg News. "Who in their right mind would suggest some dumbass stuff like that?"

Reportedly, Harrows noticed that Stewart signed up for a third year to their associated friends fantasy league and realized that his vast encyclopedic knowledge of finishing in 10th place would give him the ability to recommend some player acquisitions for her, possibly over dinner.

"Theresa is great, really great... she just needs some points from someone who KNOWS the game," stated Harrows as he picked through his ruinous player acquisitions made over the past 5 years. "I feel like she could just benefit with some targeted instruction, and maybe some drinks at GypsyBar."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Harrows goes on to finish dead last, again.

NWSL To Implement Promotion/Relegation Just As Soon As It Finds More Professional Leagues, Teams, Players, Fans And Owners With Money

NEW YORK - A spokesperson for the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) stated that the league was ready to implement Promotion and Relegation just as soon as it finds more professional leagues, teams, players, fans and owners with money.

WOOOOOOOOOOOO 132 clubs in 19 divisions with amateur sides playing NCAA players, and reserve sides. Now they just each need an infusion of money, professional players and the ability to absorb the financial costs involved.

WOOOOOOOOOOOO 132 clubs in 19 divisions with amateur sides playing NCAA players, and reserve sides. Now they just each need an infusion of money, professional players and the ability to absorb the financial costs involved.

"We are ready to combine with the WPL, and the WPSL just as soon as they figure out whether they are ready to put millions of dollars into a professional team setup with travel, fields, and players that their ownership and structures currently can't afford," stated NWSL spokesperson Jessica Hanes. "We are also ready to implement full relegation all the way down to the USASA, if needed. Although teams relegated all the way to the USASA will be stripped of their professional status and shamed, as appropriate."

The NWSL stated that they expected to immediately reap a whirlwind of the millions of dollars that exist somewhere as soon as they implement promotion and relegation as hundreds of businessmen with those aforementioned millions of dollars are probably waiting for the league to announce promotion/relegation before investing their money to buy women's soccer teams, fix up facilities, pay players, and invest in infrastructure.

"It's just a matter of time before rich business people take their money and then invest it into teams like the San Francisco Nighthawks because there is a chance of making it to the NWSL level and have their team playing Sunday games on Lifetime," stated NWSL soccer player and part time Starbucks barista and Whole Foods teller Sandra Browning.

"Just imagine all that money out there. Women's soccer just needs to get all that money, and just as soon as the league announces promotion/relegation we know that rich people are going to buy all the WPSL teams. Maybe I'll be able to drop one of my two off-season jobs!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we will still be waiting for the WPSL to be ready in 2021.

Insider Sources Indicate D.C. United Is Tanking For A Chance To Sign Lonzo Ball In The Draft

WASHINGTON - Insider sources from D.C. United, a sometime soccer team, indicate that the Washington D.C. based team is reportedly tanking the 2017 season in an effort to have a chance at signing Lonzo Ball in the upcoming MLS Draft.

Coming to a half finished stadium location near you!

Coming to a half finished stadium location near you!

With united sending away theoretical assets like Bobby Boswell and Lamar Neagle for virtually nothing, our reporters reached out to the league for comment.

"That's not how it works," stated league representative Tonya Adams to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "They do know that, right?"

Requests to confirm or deny this information were not returned, however United (of the D.C. varietal) did reach out to The Nutmeg News and ask whether our publication was interested in the services of Bill Hamid and Travis Worra for the rest of the 2017 season.

Efforts to negotiate and secure the services of Bill Hamid as a reporter for The Nutmeg News is ongoing.

New ECS T.I.F.O. Design Will Contain Helpful Tips On Surviving A Nuclear Armageddon

Seattle, WA - Leaked information from within the Emerald City Supporters indicate that an upcoming T.I.F.O. design will contain helpful tips on surviving a nuclear armageddon in the case of either the United States or North Korea or China starting a complete nuclear war that envelops the earth in radioactive debris.

From: http://fallout-gravel-pit.wikia.com/wiki/Royal_Wasteland

From: http://fallout-gravel-pit.wikia.com/wiki/Royal_Wasteland

According to our source, which will not be named, the T.I.F.O. will contain tips like, "Stock up on non-perishable food," and, "construct a fall out shelter with enough supplies for two weeks,"  as well as sage advice like, "clean water and sex will be a commodity, protect both with a homemade trebuchet," and other details like, "potassium iodide pills are totes sexy," and, "property rights will be a figment in the new world, cities will be death, deathclaws should be avoided."

The display, which is still in the process of construction, will be one of the most ambitious projects the Emerald City Supporters have ever attempted to pull off incorporating a coordinated demonstration that includes gas masks that do nothing, suits made out of Tyvek that do nothing to prevent the horrible creeping spread of radiation that blisters your flesh, and an erotic dance set to You Dropped A Bomb On Me by The Gap Band.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after we finish our drill to duck and cover.

Dress Code And Bottle Service In The NASL As California United Aim To Be A Club

Fullerton, CA - Stating that they will be a club in the truest sense of the word, new NASL team California United announced that they will have a dress code and bottle service at their new location on the Cal State Fullerton campus.

PROMOTION AND RELEGATION FOR THE BATHROOM LINES!

PROMOTION AND RELEGATION FOR THE BATHROOM LINES!

"This isn't just about soccer, this is about a way of life," stated California United brand ambassador and SKYY ULTRA-PREMIUM VODKA representative Jeremy "Bangarang" Torviin.

"We feel like we can really show the United States what being an NASL club is all about, from the DJ's we have spinning top 40 remixes of songs by the Chainsmokers and Major Lazer to the bottle service and Saturday night foam parties. It's gonna be LIT!"

Reportedly, California United will, eventually, play soccer with the focus being on a very sexy and united (tm) party atmosphere the like of which hasn't been seen, according to Mr. Torviin, since Studio 54.

"We are United, we are California, we are a club, we know cliche brand statements! Millenials! UBER! TESLA! APPLE! SNAPCHAT! We will have both MØ, and M.O.! We will have a ladies night happy hour at the stadium and a cover charge to get in. What's not to love! Fullerton! Get your jock ready to have your face melted!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when United rebrand..

Columbus Crew Fan With Customized Ethan Finlay Kit Weeps Silently In Dark Corner As Trade Deadline Approaches

Columbus, OH - Columbus Crew fan @Toddrick33 admitted to weeping silently in a dark corner of his cubicle as trade rumors swirled around Ethan Finlay, the only Crew player that @Toddrick33 deemed worthy of gracing his $150 authentic kit purchase recently.

"Dear god, why did I do that?" muttered @Toddrick33 as he realized that sitting at home was possibly a $150 poor decision that would soon become invalidated. "All I wanted was the kit of my favorite player... is that so bad?"

@Toddrick33 reportedly decided against the advice of fellow fans who warned him of the impermanence of MLS rosters as he boldly decided to get a custom kit of a player not considered a franchise cornerstone.

"I just needed something to update my 2009 Duncan Oughton kit and I thought Finlay was a safe bet. Then I come into the office and find out that he might be traded? Fuck this. I'm not buying a customized kit again."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as @Toddrick33 convinces himself that a Abuchi Obinwa kit would be a really forward thinking purchase for the time when the player starts getting game time with the Crew.

Detroit City Broadcast Turns Into 90 Minute Debate Over Faygo Flavors

Detroit, MI - The last Detroit City FC broadcast of the year turned into a 90 minute debate over the quality and delicious nature of Faygo flavors as a brawl broke out in the announcers booth that spilled into the stands over the purported quality of Rock N Rye versus Red Pop.

ARE YOU READY TO ROOOOOCK N RYE!

ARE YOU READY TO ROOOOOCK N RYE!

Witnesses say that the kerfuffle started shortly after the 5th minute of the NPSL semi-final game between Detroit City Football Club (DCFC) and Midland-Odessa Sockers Football Club when play-by-play commentator Neal Ruhl found out that color analyst John Kreger was secretly not a Rock N Rye fan.

The first clue came from an extended diatribe on the live stream as notated by the transcript from the game, below.

Kreger - "The Detroit back-line is looking a little shaky tonight, but you definitely don't want to shake a can of Redpop Faygo soda as it is such a delicious flavor of Faygo that anything being wasted would be a crime. I think Redpop might be the best flavor that Faygo provides."

Ruhl - "I disagree, wholeheartedly. Their back-line is good but they're just not anticipating the counter attack, nor are they anticipating the underrated flavor in Grape Faygo which I think would be a better alternative to Redpop and a 4-3-3 might be a better alternative to Detroit's 4-4-2. Sometimes the classic formations work best, just like the classic Root Beer Faygo, but we all know that Rock N Rye is best."

Kreger - "If we're going to discuss classics, we're going to have to talk about Moon Mist."

Ruhl - "Moon mist isn't a classic. What, in your opinion, is the Faygo El Clásico flavors? Can you even name them?"

Kreger - "We're not here to discuss Faygo flavors. We're here to announce a Detroit City FC game and enjoy a nice cold Redpop Faygo, which is clearly superior to Moon Mist and anyone who can't acknowledge this doesn't belong in this booth. I'll bet you can't even name players from 2 seasons back and you probably sit at home drinking Peach Faygo."

Ruhl - "No, I can't name players from two seasons back, but I also don't drink Peach Faygo. I drink Rock N Rye, because I'm not a degenerate from Ann Arbor."

Kreger - "Pineapple is better than Rock N Rye."

Fans below the announcing booth claim that they realized something was wrong when, at this point, Kreger was dangled out over the booth with Ruhl screaming, "ADMIT THAT RED POP ISN'T THE BEST AND THIS WILL BE OVER. ADMIT THAT YOU ARE WRONG. ROCK N RYE. ROCK. N. RYE. ARE YOU FROM OHIO?!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Rock N Rye v Redpop debate rages on into 2018.

 

59 Year Old Soccer Broadcaster Continues To Use Baseball Language

59 year old soccer broadcaster Verne Stewart continues to use Baseball language in the games that he calls as he stated, "he's rounding the bases" while watching a soccer player make a run during his last game.

ANnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Here's David Villa with the swing..... and a miss!

ANnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Here's David Villa with the swing..... and a miss!

"I call it like I see it," stated Stewart to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "People need a language with which they can connect and I provide the verbal picture of a soccer game to people out there over the age of 50 who need to know what is happening in the game according to the baseball language and cliches they learned as a kid."

Stewart shoehorned in, "swing and a miss," as well as, "going to the bullpen, middle reliever, umpire, and closer," in the recent radio broadcast that he performed.

"I know that I don't understand more than one kind of descriptor," stated new soccer fan Tom Spanner, 62 from Fort Lauderdale. "I've grown to watch commie ball, but they can keep their language. It's a field, not a pitch, and they are wearing uniforms, goddammit. THIS IS MY AMERICA."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Stewart states, "That's a HOME RUN," during a goal call.

"This One Is a Goal," States Fan For 100th Time While Corner Kick Is Taken

Kansas City, KS - Sporting Kansas City fan David Browning reportedly nudged his friend Kip and stated, "This one is a goal," for a record 100th time as a corner kick was taken during the recent home game victory against the Chicago Fire.

Photo: USAToday "This one is a goal!"

Photo: USAToday

"This one is a goal!"

"Dave always does this, every time," stated Kip Pzyrnisky. "I've just learned to tune it out."

According to friends, Browning started this trend when he turned to a random person during a watch party for the SKC game against the New York Red Bulls back in 2013. 

"He said, 'this one is a goal,' and sure enough... Collin headed in that Zusi service. He's been saying it now on nearly every corner ever since," stated friend Amy Sanborn. 

Our reporters spoke to Browning who admitted, "They aren't always a goal, but I feel like they are a goal, so I'm going to keep this thing going."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we discover that Browning yells, "GET IN THE HOLE," while golfing.

Search For "Real Soccer" Leads Fan To Baseball

Tallahassee, FL - An exhaustive search for, "real soccer," lead former soccer fan Geoff Elder to the sport of Baseball as his endless critique of North American soccer finally sucked every last little bit of fun out of the game, entirely.

This is real, ok? Not some overly affectatious soccer team or supporters that try to copy Italian ultras. No, this is two women wearing oversized ring hats, with a nonsensical sign, in a mostly filled ball park surrounded by people who want to do the wave, drink beer, and talk about the upcoming NFL season.

This is real, ok? Not some overly affectatious soccer team or supporters that try to copy Italian ultras. No, this is two women wearing oversized ring hats, with a nonsensical sign, in a mostly filled ball park surrounded by people who want to do the wave, drink beer, and talk about the upcoming NFL season.

"I looked over and over for real soccer in the United States and Canada with no success," stated Elder to The Nutmeg News.

"I knew I couldn't support Major League Soccer, because that's definitely not real. You can't be friends with anyone cool in soccer if you support an MLS team. Everyone knows you have to hate on MLS all the time, or you lose cool points. I couldn't support the NASL or the USL because those two leagues are both either part of the global USSF/SUM conspiracy against promotion relegation or painfully inadequate, teetering on the brink of insolvency, and filled with delusions of grandeur. I then took to the minor leagues of the United States to look at the NPSL, but honestly supporting an NPSL side is akin to pounding nails into your forehead. Most of the teams are terrible, the soccer is awful, the players are terrible, the game day experience is terrible and suffering through terrible referees on an awful plastic pitch in the middle of nowhere isn't a signification of real soccer."

Elder reportedly tried to follow a few teams across the United States in multiple leagues with limited success as he ranted in a multi-part tweet storm, "None of this is real soccer. None of these teams have been around for 120 years. None of these fans have any history. There's no realness to showing up for a team in a league in the United States and Canada. First you have terrible names back in the 70s, and then the teams followed that by appropriating naming like European teams. Both options are terrible. Everything is terrible. The San Jose Earthquakes are just as bad as San Jose FC, which would be just as bad as AC San Jose or San Jose United Clash FC. There is nothing real about soccer at any level in any league anywhere in the United States."

According to insider sources, Elder even gave the Canadian Premier League a try, but noticed that it doesn't even exist yet.

"Finally I just caved and went back to baseball where the tradition is real, and I can sit around without having to worry about the fact that I'm missing out on a real soccer club that is getting hammered with overripe contracts as it plummets in a free-fall down the soccer pyramid until it is bailed out by a multi-billionaire with shady military arms contracts in somewhere like Cambodia or Laos or Thailand. Real Soccer is defined by the ability to have multi-generational despair over a club as it fails, repeatedly, over the course of your entire life only to have brief moments of happiness as it chases promotion to a sub-par league before it fails under the weight of bad acquisitions that will doom it for another 5 to 10 years. Baseball doesn't have franchises, or weird salary mechanisms, or promotion/relegation worries. I can just sit back and enjoy the crack of the bat, the smell of the popcorn and the fact that I don't have to worry about there being a better league."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Elder just randomly picks the Yankees to support.

 

"I Just Don't Even Know, Anymore," States Vancouver Whitecaps Fan

Vancouver, BC - Whitecaps fan Stephanie Zhang stated, "I just don't even know, anymore," after the Vancouver Whitecaps lost against the Portland Timbers at home and then beat F.C. Dallas on the road.

Photo: Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

Photo: Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

Zhang reportedly could not determine exactly whether the team is absolutely terrible, moderately decent, or just an amalgam of both options.

"I'm pretty certain this is just the league doing what the league does, but the whiplash is really getting to be a bit much," stated Zhang to The Nutmeg News. "As terrible as the Timbers are, I would have expected to win that game, especially at home. Then as good as F.C. Dallas is at home and in the league, I absolutely expected to lose that game. I'm becoming slightly numb to the whole thing at this point."

Reportedly, the angst felt by Zhang after the loss against the Timbers has only been exacerbated by the Whitecaps winning on the road as the 3 points did nothing to fix the confusion felt by Zhang about whether her team is actually any good.

"Maybe the Whitecaps are a Schrodinger's team. They exist in all states until I look at the team either in person or on the television. I'm just very confused about how bad we are... or good we are... or terrible we are... because I'm pretty certain we are terribly bad at being good, and the only thing I can come up with is that we are a poor to mediocre team playing in a mediocre league where weird things happen and nothing makes any sense. So I'm just going to go with that until somehow the Caps catch fire and we end up winning MLS Cup in 2017"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as that doesn't happen.