Sky Blue F.C. Announce Running Water For All Players

Piscataway, NJ - Despite missing their 30 day deadline for improving the club, Sky Blue F.C. announced a new benefit for all new and returning players as they indicated a new option for running water at the club.

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“We are progressing into the new millennia,” stated Sky Blue F.C. public relations officer, kit manager, marketing director, ticket sales manager, twitter supervisor, and custodian Janet Evans. “Today we can announce that all returning and new players will have access to running water.”

According to insiders, last season Sky Blue just told players to ingest water via absorption of the atmosphere or gathering rain, with players setting up a community rain barrel on the corner of the practice field.

However, as part of their effort at revamping the club, Sky Blue took the suggestions of “Should have water,” seriously and made this a new part of their recruiting efforts for 2019.

“We hooked up an extension to a water hose across the field,” stated Ms Evans. “And it’s very crisp and very cold! We want to announce to all players that they should come play for Sky Blue and see our community garden hose! It’s the way of the future.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sky Blue F.C. administrative staff petition to owner and New Jersey Governor Philip D. Murphy about a crimped hose only to receive a return message of, “who is this?”

Supporter Specific Facebook Group Hasn't Turned Into Total Hellhole Yet

Vancouver, BC - A Facebook group set up for supporters of the Vancouver Whitecaps has, reportedly, not turned into a total hellhole yet as the friendly and yet sarcastic group grows in size.

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“It’s really a miracle,” stated group administrator Luke Anseld. “This group has been running for 3 months and it hasn’t devolved into name calling, doxxing, and absolute bullshit. That’s pretty much a record at this point.”

Anseld stated that he created Whitecaps Fans (Be Nice) Page as an antidote to what he saw as a festering Facebook culture dedicated to bringing out the worst in fans while simultaneously creating an echo chamber of pure squealing rage.

“It shouldn’t be this hard to be a fan,” stated Anseld to our reporter. “However, it just feels like it’s really difficult these days to actually have a normal and non inflated argument online. I’ve seen people on our group page apologize just for starting out too hot on a topic like Bob Lenarduzzi before realizing that no one was actually arguing with them in bad faith or building a strawman. It’s really incredible.”

Other fans on the Facebook page state that it’s only a matter of time before Whitecaps Fans (Be Nice) Page turns into a toxic group like every other one out there as they stated, “Seriously, just look at every other supporters group with a Facebook page. It’s just a matter of time.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an exasperated Anseld locks the group in 4 months after a spike in membership leads to an argument which leads to someone posting the address of a member online as Anseld debates deleting everything and going to live in Terrace.

Las Vegas Lights Fan Certain Of Undefeated Season After Successful Pre-Season Game

Las Vegas, NV - Lights’ fan Carlos Hernandez stated unequivocally that the Las Vegas Lights were, “GOING UNDEFEATED, YO!” after their makeshift lineup thrashed Major League Soccer’s Toronto FC’s makeshift lineup in the 2019 pre-season.

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“THIS SEASON IS BIG TIME, WE ARE GOING TO THE SHIP,” ranted Hernandez to his Facebook page as he spammed his timeline with the highlights package of the Lights’ 5-1 win over the MLS side. “CHECK OUT THIS ACTION. WE ARE NEVER GONNA LOSE.”

Hernandez took his unlimited optimism to Twitter where he religiously re-tweeted and argued head coach Eric Wynalda’s braggadocio as he persisted in his unrestrained optimism for the 2019 season.

“#Legends #Undefeated #GoingToTheShip #TurnOnTheLights #VivaLights,” stated the hashtags used by Mr. Hernandez

The Nutmeg News spoke to good friend Felipe Dominguez who stated, “Yeah, Carlos always wears his heart on his sleeve, but he’s a good guy,” before launching into a vigorous defense of the tweets of Mr. Hernandez by calling a TFC fan a, “fake ass supporter of a fake ass team who just got whooped by the future champions,.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the USL Championship unfolds.

Supporter Who Can't Afford Taco Bell Tweets TAKE MY MONEY Response To Kit Reveal

Salt Lake City, UT - Real Salt Lake supporter Peter Anderson tweeted, “TAKE MY MONEY,” at the pictures of the new Real Salt Lake Glitch Kit despite not having enough money for Taco Bell, currently.

TAKE MY MONEY… WAIT.;… LET ME CHECK MY BANK BALANCE….. SHIT… UM… OK… NO…. DONT TAKE MY MONEY…. AS A MATTER OF FACT…. GIVE ME MONEY, PLEASE.

TAKE MY MONEY… WAIT.;… LET ME CHECK MY BANK BALANCE….. SHIT… UM… OK… NO…. DONT TAKE MY MONEY…. AS A MATTER OF FACT…. GIVE ME MONEY, PLEASE.

“I’m going to buy that kit as soon as its available and I actually have money,” stated Anderson to his friends on Friday.

Anderson is living paycheck to paycheck after losing his job with L3 Technologies and defaulting on his student loans last year. He’s been driving for Uber and Lyft while also working for Starbucks as he attempts to keep afloat and make it to scheduled interviews.

“I’m only one job away from making it out of this shit,” muttered Anderson to himself as he carefully scrolled through his Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, before getting a notification that there is a new fare available going to the airport.

“That new jersey is pretty sick and I’m definitely getting it,” stated Anderson as he gingerly moved the cup of noodles he brought for lunch to the passenger’s side floor in order to keep the car looking clean and organized. “I can’t wait to get it, or some groceries, but likely the kit.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson considers whether he should pay the electric and water bill on time or if he can, “kinda goose it and you know….. ride it to get that kit,” before he realizes he actually doesn’t have enough money to pay for both of those bills right now.

Rivals Call Truce After Discovering They Are The Only Soccer Fans At Child's Birthday Party

Tacoma, WA - Rival fans Susan Elliot and Theresa Wynn called for a cessation of hostilities and a truce after discovering that they are the only soccer fans at the birthday party of Wynn’s 4 year old niece.

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“Susan was glaring at me across the room because I was wearing an ECS scarf,” stated Wynn to The Nutmeg News. “But then we realized that we were the only two soccer fans in the Pump It Up room and our natural bond and inability to have a normal conversation without referencing soccer overcame the hurdles placed in front of us.”

Elliot stated that she started talking to Wynn with the intention of needling her over the playoff loss inflicted on the Sounders in 2019, but ended up commiserating with her about Supporters Groups and the upcoming season, instead.

“Normally we’d be finding ways to twist everything, but this was a special circumstance,” stated Elliot to our reporter. “It was either talk to Theresa about the 2019 season or talk to Hanna over there about why she didn’t vaccinate little Riley and why he’s off gluten, sugar and bananas, right now. I’ll take the occasional conversation about the Sounders over that.”

Both soccer fans indicated that they would immediately begin firing at each other after the season begins as they friended each other on Twitter and Facebook while trying to avoid a group conversation about whether anyone uses a Naturalist to help with 4 year old anxiety.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Elliot screams an obscenity at Wynn in the parking lot as she pulls away.

Personalized Kit Shows Rest Of Fans That This Guy Is Ready For Some Game Time

NEW YORK - Fans across the nation stated that the personalized kit of Hendricks - #26 for a Mr. Joshua Hendricks of Queens indicates that he is absolutely ready for some game time during the 2019 season.

So… like…. ANY name?

So… like…. ANY name?

“It’s important to be ready,” stated Hendricks to The Nutmeg News. “I think Ralph Maccio stated that by failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail and I don’t want to fail. I live by the motto that the best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today. And honestly, success is where preparation and opportunity meet, so I’m just going to be ready to play at all times.”

A 3 year backup quarterback in high school, the 42 year old Hendricks kept the tradition alive of putting his own name on the back of a soccer kit for the 2019 season due to a long carried dream that he’s ready to take on professional soccer players despite putting down 4 beers in the first 35 minutes of nearly every home game during the last half of 2018.

“I live my life a quarter mile at a time,” stated Hendricks on his Facebook group LET JOSH PLAY. “I’m ready to go and I’ve continued my training regime of wind sprints for 10 minutes followed by taquitos and eccentric calf exercises on the commute into work.”

Friends state that when they see the Hendricks #26 roaming the stands at Red Bull Arena that they know they can feel comfortable with the knowledge that there is one fan ready to play should the worst happen.

“Oh god yes, it comforted me greatly to know that if Kaku or Connor Lade went down last season that we always had Josh ready to go,” stated Red Bull fan Timothy Williams.

“I see that Hendricks #26 and I wonder why no one else has gotten his kit. Kids a future superstar,” stated 63 year old fan Paul Millspaugh.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hendricks reaches out to Chris Wondolowski to see if he wants to exchange kits after they play the first home game of the season.

Major League Soccer Announces New Anthem Written By Canadian Troubadour Peaches

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) announced today that they enlisted the help of Canadian troubadour Peaches to establish a new anthem for Major League Soccer from the 2019 season onward.

Insider sources say that Peaches will be utilizing “Fuck The Pain Away” from her second studio album The Teaches of Peaches as the new anthem for Major League Soccer.

“We are excited to really show the world our effort to bridge the gap between the 90’s kids who decided to stick with the league despite all the evidence to the contrary and the 00’s scenesters who decided to stick with the league despite being able to play Starcraft professionally,” stated one league insider.

According to leaked documents, the league will release an info-graphic dictating exactly how Peaches informs us of the challenges of the league in her opening stanza on Fuck The Pain Away as she informs the viewer of the difficulties with a saturated sports market, a single entity league, and the difficulty of negotiating a collective bargaining agreement with a union despite trying to balance stagnating television ratings by stating, “Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me callin me all the time like Blondie Check out my chrissy behind It's fine all of the time.”

MLS Song Analyst Damien Whethermeyer Jr stated that the lline, “SIS IUD, stay in school cause it's the best,” reflects the league stature to the players in the MLS Players Union while indicating that players should stay in the league, because it is the best.

Whethermeyer Jr would not confirm nor deny that the line, “Like sex on the beaches. huh? what?” is an obvious allusion to David Beckham’s Miami United Atletico Madrid AC-FC-SC.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS announces that Peaches will perform the new song at first kick for Real Salt Lake with the backing of the The Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square.

42 Year Old USWNT Fan Uses "Stan" Unironically

Bethesda, MD - 42 year old soccer fan Heather Armstrong reportedly used the word stan in a sincere fashion to describe her appreciation and love of Christen Press as she boldly attempted to shed 20 years of time by linguistically jumping generations to the vocabulary of a young 20 year old.

“But i really DO stan for Christen Press.”

“But i really DO stan for Christen Press.”

”It didn’t appear that she was trying to be funny,” stated online friend Phillipa Stevens. “She just tweeted, ‘I stan so hard for Christen Press,’ and then we were all left wondering what the hell happened.”

According to her online Twitter presence, Armstrong never used the word Stan (to describe an obsessive and overzealous love) before her tweet about Ms. Press. However, friends say that she dabbled in other young slang prior to this moment.

“Yeah, she went through a time where she tried out Fleek, Lit, and Savage in her in-person vernacular,” stated good friend Thera Windamere. “It came and went, but I honestly felt like most of it was just a joke on current popular culture. I never felt like she really meant the words without some kind of humor.”

Online friends state that they are concerned that Armstrong’s new attempt at incorporating Stan into her online vocabulary may be the sign of a mid-life crisis as they looked out for other signs of this happening such as picking up a new hobby,talking about leaving her life behind and moving into a one bedroom studio in New York City, looking at pictures of Landrovers, and talking about going back to school to get a degree as an Anthropologist.

“This is one of those things where she needs to be careful,” stated online friend @Megatron420XXX. “She starts with Stan and the next thing you know she is recording a podcast about hentai memes and bruja culture. It’s a slippery slope.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Armstrong repeats herself next week by tweeting, “I stan so hard for Tobin Heath,” as friends just wonder if she is abusing the format, now.

Total N00b Violates Unwritten Rules Of Supporters Group By Writing Them Down

NEW YORK - Total n00b Hassan Delgado reportedly, “totally fucked up, bro,” as he violated one of the unwritten rules of the supporters group that he joined by writing them down on his blog.

The first rule of T.I.F.O is that you don’t.. ok, wait, don’t write this down.    Ok, let’s start over, the first rule is you don’t tell anyone what the rules are, but also the first rule which is you don’t talk about this rule or T.I.F.O

The first rule of T.I.F.O is that you don’t.. ok, wait, don’t write this down.

Ok, let’s start over, the first rule is you don’t tell anyone what the rules are, but also the first rule which is you don’t talk about this rule or T.I.F.O

Delgado recently attempted to navigate the insane collection of unwritten rules out there that deal with everyday conduct and behavior of a member in the supporters group that he joined before realizing that he wasn’t even certain what they were.

“I don’t know, honestly,” stated Delgado to The Nutmeg News. “One second everything was fine and the next second I was being accused of being disrespectful to the culture. I was called a person that doesn’t get it…. whatever it is and I couldn’t get anyone to define what it is, but they said if I didi’t understand it I shouldn’t talk about it even though they couldn’t talk about it unless we meet in person which they don’t want to do.”

Delgado was welcomed to the group with the usual indoctrination of askance looks and mutterings as he fumbled around with social media posts that were described as, “too eager,” and, “overly excited.”

“Yeah, he came in hot and fast wanting to do everything,” stated one anonymous supporters group member who refused to speak to our reporters through anything but an intermediary with a sealed envelope full of responses to our questions and a private untraceable phone. “It’s important for him to get it, and to get it right now and if we have to explain what it is, then he doesn’t get it and he should just fuck right off back to fucking Hyannis Port , or wherever the fuck he wants to root for fucking Throwball.”

The list of infractions given to Delgado were long and varied but included both online and in-person missteps such as, “singing the wrong but officially printed on a song list words to a song, talking to that guy everyone hates… you know who we mean…., publicly profiting from others works by not deflecting credit appropriately, talking about himself too much on his own Twitter account, not hating ownership, writing a blog using his own name, and using his cell phone in the stands.”

For his part, Delgado tried to collect all of the unwritten rules into one place in order to educate others who would join the group at a later date and was informed that this action was also an infraction of the unwritten rules.

“What a dickhead,” one anonymous comment stated to his blog with an email address of fuckyou@fuckoff.com “I hope you never come back to the stands because you don’t get it.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as this total n00b finally understands what he needs to do to get over with this crowd after he gets completely jaded in 7 years and starts mudslinging against the new crop of fans.

Excited Members Name 48 Year Old Man As Clothing Designer For Supporters Group

Jacksonville, FL - Excited members of the USL supporters group Dark Arts Brigade named 48 year old member Dave Coleman as the clothing designer for their supporters group throughout the 2019/2020 season as the oldest member in their supporters group got the green light to be a fashion designer.

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“We are hoping he’ll bring some really retro aesthetic choices from the 90s into a modern setting for all the 20 year old kids that come out to the game every week,” stated 29 year old Dark Arts Brigade president Colton Williams. “He’s the oldest member we have in the group and we feel like his experience could lend itself to some interesting results.”

Coleman expressed interest in designing for the hip 20 and 21 year old members of Dark Arts as he brainstormed a new line of t-shirts based around the Dave Matthews Band album Under the Table and Dreaming.

“It’s going to be… um… lit and fleeked,” stated Coleman as he attempted to pepper in slang that he only started understanding over the last year. "The kids are really going to love this new t-shirt design that reminds us all of the time when Crash Into Me was a huge hit and the 90s were really about the musical styling of Dave.”

According to insider sources, Coleman advanced a number of ideas including a button up shirt that references the Cherry Poppin Daddies and the swing traditions of the mid 90s, and an effortless Stussy Pork Pie Hat. “We are going to really have a look that combines the modern styling of Post Malone with the throwback era of the Spin Doctors,” stated Coleman to a group of 20 year old kids that had no reference to most of these bands. “It’s going to be like the Crash Test Dummies meets the Arianas Grande.”

Despite a limited budget that will completely hamstring the Supporters Group if the items don’t sell, Coleman pushed ahead with his agenda as he called for more high quality flannel shirts and supporters group version of a JNCO jean with added 15th hidden pocket for concealed flares.

“It’ll be like our american version of Fred Perry except we will reference Ma$e in some of our design elements, almost like a version of Ed Hardy, but with more Soul Asylum references.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this in 2025 when Coleman cleans 15 boxes out of his apartment with all of this gear still inside.

USMNT Fan Claims That HIS City Will Gladly Show Up And Overpay For A Meaningless Friendly

Seattle, WA - USMNT fan, American Outlaw super gold elite member and AMWAY junior sales associate Travis Foster repeatedly stated that his city of Seattle would GLADLY show up and overpay for a meaningless friendly after the recent United States versus Panama game failed to attract more than 8000 people.

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“Seattle hasn’t had a USMNT ever,” stated Foster who decided not to fact check his own arguments. “You should know that everyone here would gladly pay the $65 to $500 per ticket for a meaningless friendly against a sub-par competition.”

Foster took his argument to Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, and the comments section of every SB Nation blog that featured a piece on the sparsely attended game as he reiterated the average Seattle fan’s commitment to being taken advantage of by the US Soccer Federation (USSF).

“You know Seattle would show up. We do for the Sounders, we do for the Seahawks and we gladly would show up for the United States if we ever got a chance. You’ll never have a better home field advantage for a meaningless game featuring the C squad of a Central American opponent in a non-World Cup year,” ranted Foster in the comments section of Stars And Stripes FC. “I personally would buy all of those $14 beers if they bring a game here.”

Foster indicated repeatedly that he would be willing to just give his credit card over to the US Soccer Federation for them to utilize in extorting his bank account for every cent left.

“HAIL THE TEAM! WE SUPPORT THE USA IN THIS TOWN AND WE DO IT WITH OUR FINANCES,” ranted Foster to his Twitter account @USA4LYFELOSERSGETOUT. “Every game is a judgment on your patriotism and if you aren’t willing to pay $65 to watch Michael Bradley play against whoever the hell Panama found to play this game then you should leave for communist Cuba or Vietnam. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA. CHARGE MY CARD!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Foster’s card is declined for the $532 he attempts to pay for two beers and a foam finger at an upcoming USMNT friendly.

Editors Note - It is a Women’s World Cup year, Mr Foster.

Independent Supporters Council Votes To Form Seven Nation Army

Dallas, TX - The newly formed Department of D-Fence advanced a motion that was adopted by the Independent Supporters Council (ISC) at their annual conference, this week, as members voted to form a Seven Nation Army that cannot hold them back.

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“We are gathered to say that we can't forget, back and forth through our mind, behind a cigarette and the message coming from our eyes says… this time…. Do NOT leave it alone,” stated Generalissimo Thigpen of the ISC Seven Nation Army. ”And I told my brothers and sisters that I don't want to hear about it. Every single one's got a story to tell, everyone knows about it, from the Queen of England to the hounds of Hell Is Real.”

Insiders with the ISC indicate that the debate on the creation of the Seven Nation Army was contentious due to the innate pacifism, lack of vitamin D and inability to agree about anything of many of the attendees, as well as the fact that the ISC really only covers two nations.

“How the hell can we call our armed service the Seven Nation Army when we only have two nations,” stated one anonymous member. "

However, according to redacted reports that were forwarded to our dropbox account, this individual was verbally abused until they shamefully reported to the Malort corner where they consumed three shots of Malort for their penance and proceeded to projectile vomit into a wastebasket.

“The formation of the Seven Nation Army will allow us to combat the rising tide of European imports,” stated Generalissimo Thigpen. “We must stop the spread of digital warfare such as the Will Grigs song, the Allez Allez song or even the further appropriation of the Poznan. In this league, we all walk alone until we die, unless you join the Seven Nation Army at which point you will walk alone, but feel moderately adequate with that decision due to the 5% you will get off at Red Robin on one appetizer, only on Fridays, in the Highland Park area of Dallas.”

Sources indicate that the ISC will begin the process of arming the Seven Nation Army in the coming weeks as members will receive a stockpile of passive-aggressive Twitter comments, half-researched opinions on T.I.F.O and song choices based upon Ultras-tifo.net and a sense of righteous superiority that will lend to a massive amount of overreach.

“We are hoping to avoid confrontation, but we will not hesitate to hit back with a 16 tweet thread,” stated Generalissimo Thigpen. “Our members are devoted to peace, but will be ready for WAR AND BLOODSHED……… at least once they finish their day job and pick the children up from daycare and do the laundry.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the ISC forms Seaman’s Navy, in honor of legendary Arsenal goalkeeper David Seaman.


Dallas Sidekicks Fan Lets Everyone Know He Followed The MASL BEFORE It Was Cool

Dallas, TX - After the announcement of Landon Donovan playing for the San Diego Sockers came to light yesterday, Dallas Sidekicks fan Raymond Gutierrez categorically announced that he was following the Sidekicks and the Major Arena Soccer League (MASL) BEFORE it was cool.

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“I know there’s going to be more people paying attention to the MASL now,” stated Gutierrez to The Nutmeg News. “But it’s important to note that some of us have been following these teams for some time.”

Gutierrez waived off the notion that he only followed the league since Donovan came in stating, “Thirty five years of beautiful tradition, from Tatu to Mike Jones, YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I'M LIVING IN THE PAST! You are trying to call me out on that?! Hell no.”

The comments section on Gutierrez Facebook post about the situation turned into a free for all on the MASL as fans resorted to jokes about Donovan and questions about the Sidekicks and what on earth got Gutierrez all mad today.

“I just want everyone to know that 10s of hundreds of fans have been around long before the Golden Boy went down to San Diego and we are going to be here after he leaves unless I get that job I applied for in San Antonio in which case I’m not going to be around much longer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gutierrez buys tickets to the March 24th Sockers match just so he can boo Donovan.

Timbers Fans Vow To, "Never Stop Fighting"

Portland, OR - After a successful web campaign by the Portland Timbers front office that featured the tagline, “Never Stop Fighting,” the associated fans of the Timbers announced a vow to never stop fighting as they relentlessly turned on each other at every possible moment.

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“I took the message from the front office to heart and I plan on telling every single person that disagrees with me over the next two months to go to hell,” stated Timbers fan Ben Stewart. “I’m creating a database of all the hot takes from this offseason to use against these fake fans and embarrass them on Facebook, Twitter and any other social media presence they use.”

Other Timbers fans announced their intention to Never Stop Fighting as they continued to make scarves and patches against the Timbers front office and other fans who don’t like the scarves and patches they made in the first place.

“These scarves and patches will tell the FO and the other fans that support the FO that they are scum,” stated one anonymous fan. “I’m planning on keeping all of this money because fuck all the people who want to tell me what I can do with my money.”

Our reporters spoke to Timbers Army members as well who brought up a number of recent fights among the collected fans of the team that outstrip the petty grudges that Timbers fans hold against rival fans.

“There’s nobody I hate more than this group of fans that stand over in 104,” stated TA member Jimmy “Biggs” Rutherford as he zoomed in on a group of fans in a panoramic photo taken by the Timbers photographers. “Sure I hate the Sounders, but honestly I hate our own fans way more than nearly anyone else.”

Conversely, we spoke to Mike Anderson in section 104 who detailed a list of grudges he had with certain individuals in section 106 as he announced that he would be writing a very in-depth hit piece on these individuals in the fanposts section of the Timbers SBNation blog Stumptown Footy.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Timbers Army fanbase turns on the Timbers Army Facebook account for posting unaffiliated fans talking about Never Stop Fighting.


BOWL BET BLUNDER: Loser Of The Super Bowl Will Be Forced To Care About His MLS Team

Atlanta, GA - It was announced late Sunday night that a bowl bet between the assistant to Robert Kraft and the assistant to Stan Kroenke would require the loser of Super Bowl LIII to care about his Major League Soccer team during the 2019 season as waves of panic cascaded down Stan Kroenke’s frail neck as he asked, “now which team is that?”

“We are more interested in figuring out how much money our super pac can donate to the GOP to ensure that we get more tax breaks”

“We are more interested in figuring out how much money our super pac can donate to the GOP to ensure that we get more tax breaks”

According to those present, Kroenke and Kraft both agreed to the terms via a terse message of, “whatever,” when asked by their assistants if they would go through with the conditions of the bet.

“The requirement is that they actually put money into the team via advertising, player salaries, building a stadium, funding a winning team, hiring a good coaching and scouting staff for an entire year,” stated one anonymous party. “I’m not certain they knew what they were getting themselves into. They might be forced to spend hundreds of thousands of their billions of dollars.”

The staff and fans of the Colorado Rapids and New England Revolution stated that they were excited to see what a billionaire who gives a shit in Major League Soccer looks like other than Arthur Blank.

“Can you imagine if the team actually scouted for good players, hired good coaches, had their own stadium, advertised and actually worked with fans to help create a good atmosphere instead of just being a tax writeoff and opportunity to sell more Tom Brady jerseys?” stated one anonymous Revolution fan.

“Our fanbase mirrors exactly the level of effort put in by Stan over the past few years,” stated one anonymous Rapids fan. “That is that most of us forget it is game day, unwrap a hard candy, get excited over the CBS lineup and then realize that the last exciting thing to happen to this team was when Gary Smith was coach.”

For their part, both owners vowed that this would be the last time they get talked into actually caring about their soccer teams as they decried the bet as uncivilized.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Bob Kraft fulfills his promise of one stadium rumor a year for 10 years time leading to absolutely nothing.

Sky Blue F.C. Launch GoFundMe For Away Travel Expenses

Piscataway, NJ - Tax write off Sky Blue F.C. announced a GoFundMe to fund their away travel expenses as the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) team continued to find a way to not spend any money in 2019.

“Just because I’m the owner of the team doesn’t mean I need to spend money on that team. I’ve got a mansion in the Hamptons to take care of and trips to Italy and those aren’t cheap.”

“Just because I’m the owner of the team doesn’t mean I need to spend money on that team. I’ve got a mansion in the Hamptons to take care of and trips to Italy and those aren’t cheap.”

The Sky Blue GoFundMe stated, “With the 90-ish days of pre-season coming to a close soon, assistance is needed to pay for any away travel that the league is forcing us to participate in. Please help if you can, even if in any small way. Your thoughts and prayers are also much appreciated for the squad and the finance department. We can’t spend any money at all in 2019.”

With only $25 raised through mandatory office contributions, Sky Blue is still $200,000 short of their stated goal to be able to travel to games for the 2019 NWSL season.

Owner and New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy stated, “I’m not going to support these freeloaders. Capitalism is about having the market solve problems and if this team is going to travel then the market is going to have to figure out how to support them. I support women’s soccer. I’ve done many interviews where I’ve said that. Very, very woke on the issue, make sure you let everyone know.”

When asked whether he considered actually funding the team Governor Murphy stated, “I didn’t make money by actually spending it on sports.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the team tries to see whether they can use playing for the team as a work experience for college students in order to hire intern players.


Chicago Fire Become Affiliate For Tulsa Roughnecks FC

Tulsa, Ok- United Soccer League (USL) Championship side Tulsa Roughnecks Football Club stated that they renegotiated their current agreement with Major League Soccer (MLS) franchise Chicago Fire to allow the Roughnecks to be the sole provider of players to the beleaguered MLS squad during the 2019 season.

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“We realized that this would be a great opportunity for our bench players to get some game time in a developing league,” stated Roughnecks General Manager Wayne Farmer. “Our agreement with the MLS allows us to loan players that typically wouldn’t get playing time with our Starting 11, while allowing us to recall them in case of a long term player injury or some other necessary reason. It really allows players who might struggle in USL to have a chance to blossom in MLS.”

Sources with the Fire report that General Manager Nelson Rodriguez is very happy with the new deal as he expressed frustration recently at the difficulty of acquiring players for the 2019 season.

“We plan on starting these players immediately,” stated Rodriguez to The Nutmeg News. “Tulsa has some great talent that will really help our team out without costing us an enormous amount of money. It’s only logical for this to be the new pipeline going forward from the Chicago Fire to Tulsa Roughnecks. Path to PRO!”

With the new agreement in place, Rodriguez indicated that he plans on acquiring all the pacy wingers that the Roughnecks have on their squad.

“We have some deficiencies this season, but it’s nothing that a pacy winger won’t fix. You have to score goals in order to stop goals from scoring goals. It’s all about wingers.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the Fire ask whether they can have access to the Roughnecks draft picks for 2019.

Man Finally Achieves Life Dream Of Creating Twitter Account That Aggregates Transfer Rumors And Passes Them Off As Being Real

Tulsa, OK - Longtime soccer fan and Twitter veteran Phil Harvey stated that he finally achieved his dream of creating a twitter account that aggregates transfer rumors and passes them off as being real.

After he figures out how to pay his way out of the ongoing rape investigation in Las Vegas the league will definitely look to put him in Miami.

After he figures out how to pay his way out of the ongoing rape investigation in Las Vegas the league will definitely look to put him in Miami.

“I did it. I finally did it,” stated Harvey to The Nutmeg News. “I’ve always thought that what soccer could use more of was another twitter account that takes transfer rumors and unverified speculation from untrustworthy international sources and passes them off as being legitimate. Finally with my creation of @MLSTransferNewsUpdate I can deliver what everyone wants… more baseless speculation from anonymous sources that I pass off as being legitimate.”

Harvey stated that he was working on the techniques for the past 5 years that would allow him to create and manage such an account as he dedicated himself to shitposting every single day.

“Yeah I haven’t taken any breaks,” stated Harvey. “I’ve been making jokes about everything, pretending to have scoops, and searching international news organizations that have a reputation for making things up. It’s been a hard road to learn all the tricks, but finally I can admit that I’m in the right place to contribute to the baseless rumor mongering that all fans love.”

With the account created and followers streaking over to read his tweets, Mr. Harvey indicated that he wouldn’t just be relying on the old tricks anymore.

“I’m not just going to take things from other publications and make it seem like I figured it out. I’m also going to just make things up and then talk about how the deal fell through. People will LOVE that. and I just…. well….. I’m going to get emotional but I finally feel complete in this world as I find another sucker who believes that this anonymous Polish winger is going to get signed by… oh… I don’t know….. Let’s say, Chicago.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as @MLSTransferNewsUpdate gets 5,000 followers in the first 4 months it operates.

Blogger Already Has Idea About How The 43rd Pick In The Draft Will Fit Into The Dynamo Lineup

Houston, TX - Dynamo blogger Oscar Taft stated that he already has an idea and a column written about how Mac Steeves would fit into the Houston Dynamo lineup after the player was drafted to the Houston team with the 43rd pick overall.

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"I’ve never seen him play, but I’ve scouted him for the past 40 minutes and I can tell you categorically that he is going to be an impact substitution,” stated Taft to The Nutmeg News. “I can’t reveal more, but you can read it online at my HotDynamo.excite.blogspot.com address alongside all my analysis of every pick in the draft from today’s action.”

Taft stated that ever since he found out about Steeves, earlier today, he has been scouting him online using YouTube and a variety of methods including googling his name.

“It looks like he came from Providence,” muttered Taft as his sagaciously stroked his stubble and typed in, “where is prvidance,” to his search bar. “We are looking at a real diamond in the rough, and I say that after some really in depth research.”

As well, Taft indicated that he was in a rush to put out his content to beat everyone to the punch as he quickly assessed what the future lineup would be for the Dynamo in 2021 with Steeves leading the line or possibly converted to a winger, like Taft’s gut is telling him that he might be.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Taft starts to record his podcast on the subject matter while quickly using google image search to determine what Mac Steeves actually looks like.