Irate Ira Glass Gets Ejected For Profanity After Losing Ira Glass Look-Alike Contest At Detroit City Game

Detroit, MI - An irate Ira Glass was, reportedly, ejected from the recent Detroit City FC game against FC Indiana after losing a local public radio sponsored Ira Glass look-alike contest at halftime.

From: https://twitter.com/wdet (please support public radio)

From: https://twitter.com/wdet

(please support public radio)

"FUCK THIS," stated Glass as he left the field shouting profanities in a machine gun fashion. "I drank 12 Faygos to try to fit in with this group and all I got was a lap full of vomit."

Glass reportedly went on a 20 minute rant that included profanity and language so objectionable that even the supporters group of Detroit City FC, the Northern Guard, had no choice but to eject the NPR personality.

"We can't allow him anywhere near Keyworth, anymore. He's ruining football, and that's something we really care about," stated director of cursing, Jimmy "The Goat" Burzinsky. "We enjoy free reign to curse, speak our mind, and sing our songs, but whatever spun Ira up, last night, was entirely too much for us to handle."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Dawn Anderson of Lafayette Park and she stated, "I'm not a religious person, but even I'm ready to have him arrested and brought up on blasphemy charges for roughly 75% of the world religions. We even have a Jain follower in our section and she wanted to remove his head with a hatchet. Plus, he was CLEARLY the least Ira Glass looking Ira Glass in the contest last night. CLEARLY."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Serial comes to town to investigate the allegations of The Northern Guard killing football.

Player Your Team Is Going To Sign Is Terrible

Despite their statistics, their former team, or their pedigree, the player your team is going to sign very soon is actually pretty terrible.

This is called, "Scouting"

This is called, "Scouting"

"We don't really expect much from them," stated an internal scout from your team. "We just need warm bodies, at this point. It's important to know that we expect to be shopping for this same position during the offseason, again."

Fans are excited after rumors leaked out about this new player, but the front office is nonplussed stating, "we are just excited to have something positive to talk about for once. This is really going to help our public relations more than our team. Hopefully we can get six serviceable months out of this player before the fans figure out that they are kinda shit."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the fans finally realize in two years that they are going to need another player to replace the player that wasn't very good to start.

Woman Actually Cares About Gold Cup

Kansas City, KS - Isabel Hendricks admitted to her friends, on Tuesday, that she actually cares about the 2017 Gold Cup as they relapsed into laughter at her admission.

(AP Photo/Matt Rourke)

(AP Photo/Matt Rourke)

"You mean the tournament that is won by the United States or Mexico every single time except for one fluke year," asked flabbergasted friend Stephanie Holman of Overland Park. 

"Why the hell do you care," stated friend Paula Sanchez of Kansas City. "It's a run out for also-ran players who are trying to make the World Cup squad while also not getting injured during a poorly scheduled tournament that doesn't have much value other than seeing if the C-Squad on Mexico or the United States isn't crap."

Reportedly, Ms. Hendricks had no rebuttal against these facts, but just reiterated her statement that she planned on watching at least one game during the upcoming Gold Cup, whenever the hell that is.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Hendricks realizes she already has a work function already scheduled for the first two nights of the tournament.

Fox Soccer Cuts Print Journalism To Focus All Efforts On Video Of Skip Bayless' Top Ten Bikini Bodies Of The USWNT

LOS ANGELES - Fox Soccer announced, yesterday, that they would be cutting print journalism and firing all their current reporters in order to focus all their efforts on a video of Skip Bayless top ten bikini bodies of the United States Women's National Team, for the upcoming Women's World Cup.

THE HIGHEST JOURNALISTIC STANDARDS

THE HIGHEST JOURNALISTIC STANDARDS

"We hired the best video editors from the business intern school of DePaul and we scoured Buzzfeed for the best headline creators," stated FOX director of Slammin Bodies and Gym Life, Dutch "Hands" Peterson. "Nobody reads articles anymore. We are all just out here for that video life and the sweet dap of finding your favorite soccer players half nude. We know that branding our USWNT story with Skip's legendary hot takes will make people melt inside. Just imagine Skip Bayless yelling over the prone, bikini-clad figure of Alex Morgan! INSTANT WINNER."

Fox let several of their long time journalists and editors go yesterday after telling them that they would not be necessary on their new direction. Reportedly, they did offer an executive writer position for any woman journalist on their team that would be willing to pose for their upcoming calendar, "Colin Cowherd's Fox Soccer Hot Women Of Journalism".

Our sources tell us that all departing women turned the network down.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Fox Soccer releases their first video, "How to please your man in bed, and nutmeg your opponent while half naked.

San Jose Earthquakes Fire And Then Re-Hire Dom Kinnear

San Jose, CA - The San Jose Earthquakes, today, announced that they fired head coach Dom Kinnear stating, "We wish Dom all the best in his career. He will always be an Earthquakes legend and we don't take this decision lightly. Thanks, Dom."

The once and future king.

The once and future king.

The Earthquakes also announced that they were appointing Earthquakes legend Dom Kinnear as head coach.

"Dom is an Earthquakes legend and we are happy to bring him back into the fold," stated Earthquakes president Tom Fox.

The former Earthquakes manager and assistant manager from 2001 to 2005 is reportedly excited for another opportunity to coach the Earthquakes stating, "When I got the call this morning telling me that I was fired, I was sad. Then I got the call 15 minutes later telling me that I was hired to be the head coach of the Earthquakes, again. I couldn't be happier with how the whole thing worked out and I'm ready to get started."

Kinnear expressed that he is interested in bringing his philosophy of soccer to the Earthquakes and taking them to a new level.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kinnear deploys Wondolowski as a fullback.

 

Unable To Find Fabled PATH Train, NYCFC Fans Homestead In The New Jersey

Harrison, NJ - Unable to find the fabled PATH train back home, NYCFC fans left in Harrison were starting to homestead in The New Jersey by opening up an artisinal pour over coffee shop, a restaurant that only serves different kinds of handmade pasta and a zine store that focuses on publications that review record needles.

NYCFC fan Caroline Appleton and her three children, Tommy, Patrick, and David outside their Harrison estate after the game.

NYCFC fan Caroline Appleton and her three children, Tommy, Patrick, and David outside their Harrison estate after the game.

"If I wanted to take the PATH train, I'd have been a Red Bulls fan from the start" stated NYCFC fan Dominic Grazziano. "I don't know how any of this shit works. Is it still a subway? How does it cross state lines? Do I pay more? Is the entrance below grounds? What happens when we go under the river? Is this like going to Brooklyn?"

Grazziano was later seen negotiating on the lease for a Sbarro franchise in the outer Harrison area.

NYCFC fan Sandra Gutierrez admitted that she would miss her home country of Queens, but stated, "I can't figure out where the PATH starts or ends, so I'm just going to stay here, for now. The New Jersey is a fascinating place. It feels very close, but so far away. I don't know how the PATH train works so this is the first time I've been here. This'll work out, or I'll figure out whether Uber has a ride for me back into Manhattan so I can get a subway back home."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this situation as stranded NYCFC fans build a golden idol to Ben Sweat.

ESPN Sideline Reporter Caleb Porter Lobbies For Timbers Coaching Position

Portland, OR - ESPN Sideline reporter Caleb Porter lobbied for the Timbers head coaching position after the Portland Timbers gave up a 2-1 lead against 10 man Seattle Sounders on Sunday night to a late Clint Dempsey header.

"I can do better than the guy in charge. Trust me."

"I can do better than the guy in charge. Trust me."

Stating, "They showed a lack of killer instinct and they got punished again," Porter stated that he was interested in taking over the head coaching position from, "whomever it is that is running that team."

"When I look at how they played after they gave up the goal, that's how they should play every game for 90 minutes," Porter said. "But when the pressure tightened up in the second half, they didn't manage the game well." 

Blaming the players as well as the staff, Porter indicated that he would gladly step away from his position reporting for ESPN on the sidelines if the Timbers would give him a chance to be a head coach.

"This is a pivotal moment," Porter said. "After the Timbers look in the mirror and they look at that second half and they realize it's not good enough, it can be a turning point, a stepping stone, or it's going to be a stumbling block. It's very clear that they need a change at the head coaching position and I'm the man for the job. I can bring discipline and order to this team."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Porter gets transferred to Fox Soccer to report on the World Cup.

Woman Swears She Won't Date Within The Supporters Group, Again

Portland, OR - Thorns fan Sandra Hoang swore up and down to her friends that she won't date within the Rose City Riveters again, for the second time, as she stewed about a recent breakup and the realization of seeing her ex-girlfriend nearly every single weekend for possibly the rest of her sports fandom.

AP Photo/Don Ryan

AP Photo/Don Ryan

"I'm done! I'm DONE," stated Hoang to friends as she lied through her teeth about not dating within the sphere of soccer supporters that she knows. "I just refuse to fall for someone again that is a Thorns Fan. There's no way this is going to happen again, the breakups are just too hard. I don't need to see them every weekend, and then at every USWNT game, and every watch party, and Timbers games, and charity events"

As Hoang lied to her friends about not dating within the supporters group again, she mentally calculated the number of hours she spends on the weekends attending Thorns games and tried to figure out a time where she would go on a casual date on the weekend.

"I have other interests, I can find someone outside the soccer scene in Portland," muttered Hoang to her friends who consoled her over her recent break up with extra beers. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hoang states that when she is ready to get back to dating she is going to find someone outside her circle of friends...... as long as they really like soccer.

Heineken Rivalry Week To Showcase League's Fiercest Rivalry As David Beckham Takes On The City Of Miami

Miami, FL - David Beckham versus The City Of Miami will showcase Major League Soccer's (MLS) annual Heineken Rivalry Week as the league finally kicks into mid-season form.

This moment was roughly 483 years ago, in league time.

This moment was roughly 483 years ago, in league time.

"We are excited to see the 95 Derby take place as David will continue his pressure on the City Of Miami to give him land," stated president of Major League Soccer Mark Abbott. "We all hope for a pulsating affair that has supporters on both sides gasping for air and city subsidies."

Sources within the league state that the rumored suspension of Beckham and associates will not come to fruition and that all members in the tie will be available to play.

"DAVID WILL NOT BE SUSPENDED BY THE MLS DISCIPLINARY COMMITTEE. THAT....... IS NOT A FOUL! GOOD CALL," stated one anonymous source.

The Nutmeg News reached out to Miami fan Jessica Davidson who had the following to say, "Soccer? Y'all are playing."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a yellow is shown to Beckham within the first 45 minutes putting the game at risk.

With Five Minutes Til Game Time, Man Just Needs To Figure Out If He Can Stream Game After Inviting Friends Over

Columbus, OH - Columbus Crew fan David Adams admitted that with just five minutes til the Columbus Crew play Atlanta United on the road that he needed a few more minutes to find a stream and figure out a way to get it on the television after inviting friends over to his apartment to watch the game.

Everyone, GATHER AROUND!

Everyone, GATHER AROUND!

"Does anyone have a laptop with an HDMI port?" exclaimed Adams to a group of friends milling around his living room snacking on chips. "Look, we need to figure this out or we aren't going to be able to watch anything."

An avowed cord cutter, Adams admits that live sports are typically the hardest thing to watch, but he manages to follow each away Crew game by a variety of methods that are not conducive to a thriving party.

"Ok, if this doesn't work I'm going to need everyone to gather around my laptop that I have in my bedroom because the wireless isn't working right now," stated Adams as his guests began to figure out how to leave without him recognizing their departure.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Adams realizes that his laptop speakers aren't loud enough to carry the game commentary and begins to apologize to his friends for, "the situation."

"I'll Always Remember Christos FC Just Like That Other Team From... Um... Whenever"

"I'll always remember Christos FC for their Cinderella like run that touched the very hearts and memories of me forever until I finish this next beer."

Christos FC, and um... all those other famous, um.... amateur sides that did stuff.

Christos FC, and um... all those other famous, um.... amateur sides that did stuff.

"Their play reminded me of the old times from a couple years ago when that team that had that one guy on it did that thing that I can't really remember. It reminded me of the runs of those other teams from the other tournaments, like um...... Almagamated Steel? That's a team right? I don't know, I don't have the youtube." - Dale Carnegie - 63 - Boston, MA

Jeff Sessions Shows Up To Senate Testimony Wearing S.S. Lazio Scarf

WASHINGTON - Attorney General of the United States Jeff Sessions showed up to his testimony in front of the Senate wearing an S.S. Lazio scarf as the flabbergasted Senate grilled Sessions over his knowledge of the firing of former F.B.I. Director James Comey and Russian interference into the 2016 Presidential Election.

sessions.png

"I don't recall," stated Sessions when asked about the scarf. "It may have been a gift, I'm not certain, but it is a fine scarf, I do declare. And I do quite like this eagle and S.S. thing, I say, I say."

Sessions was asked, point blank, by Oregon Senator Ron Wyden about whether he was involved in the legendary right wing Lazio supporters group Irriducibili, but Sessions demurred stating, "No statement, I'm not certain what I can say about that until I check to see whether that would be damaging to myself to say that I may or may not be involved in any activities involved in these kind of ideas or things to say."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sessions salutes the Senate as he leaves.

Ebullient Golden State Warriors Fan Disappointed In Local Soccer Options

Oakland, CA - Ebullient Golden State Warriors fan Carlos Jimenez admitted that after his beloved Warriors locked up another NBA Championship that he was disappointed to find out that his local soccer options were the San Jose Earthquakes and San Francisco City FC.

Marcio Jose Sanchez/Associated Press

Marcio Jose Sanchez/Associated Press

"Really? San Jose and an amateur team? That's the best I can do?" asked Mr. Jimenez as he slowly came back down to earth from the Warriors celebration. "I have to go from Steph Curry, Kevin Durant, Steve Kerr, and two championships in three years to Chris Wondolowski and Dom Kinnear? Nah, I think I'll pass."

Jimenez, reportedly, was excited by the idea of finding a new summer passion that could give him as much satisfaction as the Curry lead Warriors, but his investigation lead him down an unfulfilling rabbit hole of angry supporters, cheap ownership and frustrating teams.

"If you are already a fan, than good job and stick with it. Thing is, I'm new at this US Soccer thing and I'm not about to go from what feels like the beginning of a dynasty to watching people run around like they don't know what they are doing. I'm just going to stick with my dad's club of Tigres. Liga MX is easier to find on television anyway."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jimenez buys a Gignac kit.

St. Louis FC Fans Decide To Show Up To Game Anyway

St. Louis, MO - Despite a formerly flooded field and the current death of their Major League Soccer aspirations, fans of St. Louis FC decided to show up to their home game anyway as they packed the field to watch their local soccer team take on the Union's USL affiliate.

PHOTO:  @PTtheIslander - Reallifestl.com

PHOTO:  @PTtheIslander - Reallifestl.com

"I don't know, there's just something about live soccer that connects with you because of a local connection," stated St. Louis FC fan Lamont Epps. "Although, no one seems to know entirely why we keep showing up if it isn't the best. Maybe that's because the, "best soccer," isn't entirely relevant in a country where we have 36 leagues that are all worse than Liga MX."

Sociologist Norman Hughes of the University of Miami, St Louis Annex: Institute Of Useless Things stated, "No one knows why these fans still show up, but they do. Its almost like they actually care about the team regardless of which league they are playing in. Studies show that this is not the case in the United States, but we will continue to monitor this situation. Perhaps they are in a cult."

When asked about this cult accusation, an anonymous St. Louis FC fan stated, "well.... yeah."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as St. Louis FC fans continue to attend games.

 

Pulisic: Pulisic, Pulisic, Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic, "Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic."

 Pulisic,  Pulisic -  Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic.  Pulisic,

"Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic.  Pulisic!  Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic!  Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic."

Isaiah J. Downing-USA TODAY Sports

Isaiah J. Downing-USA TODAY Sports

Pulisic, Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic.  Pulisic Pulisic, "Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic!  Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic.  Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic."

Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic. 

Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic Pulisic.

Soccer Evangelists Converge On Bonnaroo To Spread The Good Word

Manchester, TN - Soccer Evangelists the country over began their convergence on Bonnaroo to help spread the good word of soccer in your community as they began the arduous task of ministering to the destitute, thirsty, the naked, the drunk and the really high, this weekend

HOW MANY OF YOU SUBSCRIBE TO MLS LIVE?  Ok, LETS TALK ABOUT VPN SERVICES AND SOCCER, THEN WE WILL BE BRINGING ON MARSHMELLO.

HOW MANY OF YOU SUBSCRIBE TO MLS LIVE? 

Ok, LETS TALK ABOUT VPN SERVICES AND SOCCER, THEN WE WILL BE BRINGING ON MARSHMELLO.

"We are here to inform people about Soccer, the good word of the US Open Cup, the religion of Christian Pulisic, US Soccer Federation division structures, Major League Soccer intricacies and television ratings," stated Brother Thomas Elder of Orlando, Florida. "As a prelate within the North American Orthodox Ecumenical Council of Soccer Worshipers, It is my divine mandate to minister to the hopeless, the dirty, the fringe crop top wearing, and the really high on mushrooms during Major Lazer that Bonnaroo will deliver to our doorstep."

Brother Elder indicated that his tent would be ministering to the lost, the gallant and the disappointed baseball fans among the hordes of sweaty millennials that converge in Manchester to worship at the alter of socially conscious brands. However, he did indicate that expects competition from other Soccer Religions there to also minister to the hopelessly sweaty crowd.

"Our main competition will come from the True American Eastern Orthodox Soccer Worship diocese," stated Elder. "They come every year to spread their message that MLS is a false god who walks among us spreading lies with their vertiginous rules. Their message is one of false hope, of a Twitter where you spend all your time harassing everyone online because they disagree with you. Our belief is that you should only harass everyone who DOES believe with you, so sayeth our Abbot, er Mark Abbot."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a war breaks out between the two factions to be settled via a FIFA tournament in the Mountain Dew Apple Square Cool Zone brought to you by Red Bull and Dominos.

"This Would Be A Great Place For Local Soccer," States Denver Based USMNT Fan On First Visit To DSGP

Denver, CO - "This would be a great place for local soccer," stated Timothy Anderson of Denver to his friend Carl Young during halftime of the United States/Trinidad and Tobago World Cup Qualifier. "I wonder why Denver doesn't have a team?"

Don't worry, an aging goalkeeper will fix all these attendance woes.

Don't worry, an aging goalkeeper will fix all these attendance woes.

Anderson admitted that this was his first trip to Dick's Sporting Good Park although he was quick to add, "I've traveled across the world for the USMNT."

Citing a list of cities and countries to which he has traveled following the United States, Anderson stated that he collectively spent nearly $10,000 to $15,000 over the past World Cup qualifiers, tournaments and friendlies.

"It'd be great if there was a local team to support, but I rep my country first. If Denver ever gets a soccer team in that MLS thing, just let me know. I'll be the first person to sign up for season tickets as long as it doesn't impact my upcoming trip with the American Outlaws to Mexico or my purchase of every custom design US kit that I will spend 4 hours bashing on Twitter before purchasing a Pulisic version."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson forgets his promise and turns down free Rapids tickets two months later.

Lamar Hunt Legacy Still Has 13 Years Left Before Journalists Will Criticize FC Dallas

Dallas, TX - Independent researchers for the Deloitte Legacy Study of Legacy confirmed that Lamar Hunt's family still has 13 years left on his initial legacy value after the much lauded "SAVING OF THE LEAGUE" investment back in 2001.

Look at all these soccer balls!

Look at all these soccer balls!

"Based on our calculations, the initial investment into the league gave Lamar Hunt and anything affiliated with him, even slightly, a 30 year return of only positive publicity," stated Deloitte fellow Janice Fellow. "We calculated that this initial outlay of good will in 2001 will insulate FC Dallas from criticism of any of their policies or stupid ideas for at least another 13 years, or until the team folds for a multitude of reasons."

Research into the much lauded Lamar Hunt legacy indicated that much like an inheritance, the blessing of the legacy was passed down to Clark Hunt who has attempted on numerous occasions to run the legacy into the ground.

However, as Ms. Fellow indicated to us via email, "Despite doing so many stupid things, over the years, the legacy remains intact, and it would be folly to criticize FC Dallas or Clark Hunt for absolutely idiotic treatment of their own fans as well as travelling fans from other cities. Or building a national soccer hall of fame in a stadium that no one really wants to visit, including the fans of his own team. Or overcharging for tickets while intentionally working to keep player costs low because the Clark Hunt doesn't want to pay anyone anything, especially players. No one would ever believe that happens regularly because LAMAR HUNT SAVED THE LEAGUE."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Dallas bans our pool reporter for writing this piece and then accuses him of setting off a smoke bomb at his house.

James Comey Refuses To Comment On Promotion Relegation

WASHINGTON - Stating, "Holy shit, there's no way I'm answering that question," former Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation James Comey refused to answer pointed questions about promotion/relegation and whether the White House is keeping P&R from being implemented in North American soccer leagues that count to people in the United States because they aren't in Mexico.

I did not have promotional relations with that league.

I did not have promotional relations with that league.

"Do you or do you not at least acknowledge that the system has some merit," asked Senator Dianne Feinstein to Mr. Comey.

Mr. Comey replied that he would, "be unable to speak about matters without divulging critical elements of national security, and... as well.. I don't... well you know...., like.. you know.. my twitter feed is pretty cool right now, bros, and I don't need to totally blow it up by inviting those dudes who just wont stop talking about P&R all the time."

Mr. Comey then ducked questions about the impact of Promotion and Relegation in Liga MX and whether President Trump asked him to drop his investigation into the merits of a fully tiered soccer league as he stated, "I was asked whether or not I was loyal to the NASL and I told Mr President that I was, in fact, only going to be honest to him. I could not commit to loyalty to the NASL, but I will be honest about my loyalty to the NASL."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Comey invokes "Chat Shit Get Banged" in his defense.

Major League Soccer Lays Framework For Competent Referees By The Year 3030

NEW YORK - Officials with Major League Soccer (MLS) spoke on a conference call, on Monday, to lay out the new framework for having competent referees by the year 3030 as they stated, "one day.... one day....this'll happen."

"Just so you know, I'm going to be completely impartial to the both of you and make stupid decisions not based on partiality but, rather, a lack of skill."

"Just so you know, I'm going to be completely impartial to the both of you and make stupid decisions not based on partiality but, rather, a lack of skill."

Officials with both the Professional Referee's Organziation (PRO) and the United States Soccer Federation (USSF) joined the call as they detailed a bullet point plan of increasing the level of referees in the nation.

Some of the bullet points given in the conference call were as follows.

#1 Get Better

#2 Get Better Without Needing To Be Paid More Money

#3 More Video Referee's to replace our current referee's that ain't no good

#4 More on field distractions to hide the bad referees

#5 Less pay to the referee's in order for what to make them lift themselves up by bootstraps

The conference call concluded without a QA period.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as PRO and MLS continue on their seemingly quixotic quest to improve the current state of referees.