City Of Columbus Ohio Hires Bret Hart To Explain Columbus sCrew Job

Columbus, OH - Unable to fully understand what happened in the past 48 hours, the city of Columbus Ohio announced that they hired retired pro-wrestler Bret Hart to explain the Columbus sCrew Job performed by Athony Precourt.

I'm here to talk sCrew Jobs, yes.

I'm here to talk sCrew Jobs, yes.

"We needed someone who has been through this before," stated Joyce Mayweather, comptroller of Columbus. "So we hired Bret Hart, since he was blindsided back in Montreal by Vince McMahon.

Hart started his presentation by stating, "Fans will have to lose their assumption that ownership is out to help you. You need to put your feelings in a sharpshooter."

Hart then went on to describe the behind the scenes process.

"Precourt is on a heel turn," stated the seven-time world champion. "He was a Face to generate pop, then comes the heel turn to generate heat, then he pulls the heel move of taking the team away from the fans. Then the next move is taking the team to Austin to get to Orlando to create a rivalry with Beckham. The league office hopes that the heat generated by Precourt's heel turn will fill the stadium in the rivalry with Miami. Then comes the DOUBLE CROSS. Eventually Precourt will leave Orlando, just like he left Austin and Columbus, for Detroit and settle the team there to take on all comers, including Dan Gilbert in a cage match for public funds to see who can bankrupt a local school district the fastest."

According to legitimate news source Kayfabe News, they claim this is the dumbest thing they've heard of since the David Arquette won the WCW World Heavyweight Title in 2000.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we explain who Bret Hart is to the children.

Assholes Of North American Soccer: Anthony Precourt

In our continuing series, "Assholes Of North American Soccer," we present the worst people in North American soccer. 

Today the nomination for Asshole Of North American Soccer comes from WT of Galena, Oh.

"My nomination is for Anthony Precourt who bought the Columbus Crew with the intention of moving them, at a later date, to a city that he liked better so that he could make more money. He threatened the city of Columbus, one game before they have a playoff run, to provide him with a stadium downtown or he would move the franchise, an idea that he apparently wanted to do anyway."

Well done, Anthony Precourt and, today, we induct you into the Asshole Hall Of Fame.

WHAT AN ASSHOLE

WHAT AN ASSHOLE

Anthony wins the title of most hated man in US Soccer for a period of 24 to 48 hours before everyone turns on Don Garber for enabling this.

Orlando Ready For Additional Team After Austin Move Fails For Crew

Orlando, FL - Stating, "We are ready to accept an additional soccer team from Austin," the local Orlando government prepared another stadium financing package to help the upcoming move from Columbus to Austin to Orlando.

Aztek's Soccer! Feel the passion!

Aztek's Soccer! Feel the passion!

"We already were able to find homes, jobs, and a coach for the Aztek's the last time they moved to Orlando" stated city council member Miranda Jacobs. "We will be more than happy to help the next team as they move through to become Orlando City Football Club."

Our reporters were able to speak to an Orlando City Soccer Club fan about the situation and they had the following to say, "Maybe this new team will make the playoffs."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the situation as it unfolds like a drunk billionaire dryheaving on an entire area.

Time Travelling Man From The 1850s Very Upset By Unladylike Behaviour During NWSL Final

Orlando, FL - Stating, "Mimzi shall HEAR OF THIS," time travelling 1850's man Cornelius West of Fallston Maryland admitted his complete dismay at the unladylike behavior exhibited during the NWSL final, this weekend.

I shall inform the town crier to yell out my vengance towards the fairer sex and we shall confine them to a sanitorium!

I shall inform the town crier to yell out my vengance towards the fairer sex and we shall confine them to a sanitorium!

"I do declare that my delicate sensibilities are QUITE RUFFLED," stated West out loud to any white man he could find within cane reaching distance, on Saturday. "First you tell me that women are allowed to play sports, then you tell me they are allowed to attend sporting events, THEN you tell me that they can imbibe spirits, THEN you tell me they are allowed to do these things in public and then I am subjected to visions of their sporting brutality and profanity! Next thing I know you will tell me that women received the ability to vote and own property!"

West was apparently quite upset to find that Women in 2017 drink, sweat, fart, play sports, yell, get angry, and swear as he dabbed at his moistened brow with a monogrammed silk handkerchief.

"I declare these things all an abomination and descended upon us by an unrepentant society. We must certail these feminine impulses. I have written a letter to the goodly New York Times to express my anger at these unfeminine women. Certainly men, in this age, cannot accept that women are their equal. It will lead to ruinous vexation!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as West is nominated for State Senator by the Maryland GOP.

Portland Thorns Advance To 2017 NWSL Final Against Western New York Flash

Orlando, FL - After winning the semifinal game against the North Carolina Courage, the Portland Thorns advanced to the 2017 NWSL Final against the 2016 NWSL Champion Western New York Flash as the battle for supremacy in NWSL comes down to one game.

You can't lose the championship if you don't exist.

You can't lose the championship if you don't exist.

"There's no better way to end the season than to defeat the former champions," stated Thorns head coach Mark Parsons. "We are excited to defeat the Flash.... er... Courage so that we can face the Flash.... again... for the second time? Anyway, I'm excited for the chance to win a second championship for Portland."

After defeating Paul Riley and the Courage, the Thorns are excited to take on Paul Riley and the Flash with a chance to cement their legacy as the first two time champion of the league.

"We are excited," stated Thorns midfielder Allie Long. "Very excited."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thorns fans get ready for playing the Flash, again again.

Man Shocked As Club Soccer Still Going On Despite USMNT Exit

Kansas City, KS - USMNT fan Rob Curtis was surprised to find that Major League Soccer was still going on despite the exit of the United States from the World Cup as he turned on his television to see the Houston Dynamo versus Sporting Kansas City.

"They are still going through this charade?" asked a Pulisic jersey clad Curtis as he watched Sporting Kansas City take a lead over the Dynamo due to a Jimmy Medranda goal. "I'm shocked that this is still going on. I just don't see the point. Without the United States in the World Cup I don't see the point at continuing the club game."

Cutis admitted that he used to watch Sporting Kansas City play with a zeal and zest for the game, but with the United States not making the World Cup he just didn't find that passion for the club game anymore.

"Maybe I'll find my love again, but without the United States in the World Cup soccer just seems meaningless. I mean, why watch a club that won the US Open Cup four times, the Supporter Shield once, MLS Cup twice, and made the MLS playoffs six years in a row when I really want to watch the United States struggle to win the Gold Cup, it just doesn't make any sense."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Curtis admits he is still begrudgingly going to the SKC game against the Dynamo on the 15th, but will spend the whole time wondering if there was a way for the US to make it into World Cup, still.

Local Idiot Thinks Things With US Soccer Are Going To Change

Dayton, OH - Local soccer idiot Stephen Magee actually thinks things are going to magically change with the US Soccer Federation (USSF) after the United States missed the World Cup on Tuesday evening.

USA! USA! 

USA! USA! 

"We can replace Gulati, fire Arena, and start distributing that surplus money to fix the pay-to-play system," stated Magee to his friend Ralph Dubois.

"All we need is for the millionaires involved in the game nationally to somehow grow a moral compass and reach out to underserved communities to get them involved with the game, instead of the current crop of kids who have parents wealthy enough to pay for their soccer habit. It'll be EASY!" 

Reportedly, Magee went to bed with a smug feeling of superiority knowing that he solved all the faults with US Soccer in one night, provided that the rich people involved with the federating feel happy about cash redistribution.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this an ardent Magee is shocked when he wakes up and Gulati hasn't resigned. 

United States Women's Soccer Demand That United States Men Take A Pay Cut

CHICAGO - In a letter delivered to the Chicago headquarters of the US Soccer Federation, members of the Untied States Women's National Team demanded that the United States Men take a pay cut after missing the FIFA World Cup.

USWomen.JPG

"Clearly the men have not delivered like we have," stated members of the 3 time World Champion (and current defending champion) United States Women's team. "We demand equal pay for equal results and the soccer that most of these men will be doing next summer is playing FIFA."

According to insider sources, the letter was signed by a number or prominent players who were instrumental in winning the Women's World Cup, something that the US Men haven't even sniffed, over the years.

"We produced 3 World Championships and 4 Olympic Championships in the same time-frame that the men have done absolutely nothing," stated the letter. "It is high time that the men are compensated commensurate to their level of play, which is poor."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the men try to argue with semantics, straw-men and well-actually statements.

Area Man Checks Refund Status Of Moscow Plane Ticket

Omaha, NE - Area foccer fan Chad "meatface" Evans reportedly spent the last 15 minutes checking the refund status of a plane ticket to Moscow he purchased last week.

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"Oh Fuck," stated Evans as he watched the United States get knocked out of the World Cup realizing simultaneously that his value fare may not have been a good idea.

"Anybody want a transfer airfare," posted Evans to the American Outlaws Facebook page as he hung up his American flag cape and closed out reddit for the evening. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Evans learns he is 1/25th Icelandic. 

"4 Generations Of Regina Pats Fans And You Bring Soccer Merchandise Into My Home On Thanksgiving?"

Regina, SK - York University student Graham Newberry returned home to his parents house in Regina for Thanksgiving only to find a nonplussed family confused over his recent conversion to soccer as his father politely stated, "Four generations of Regina Pats fans from 1917 to now and you bring soccer merchandise into my home on Thanksgiving?"

"See, guys? It was amazing!"

"See, guys? It was amazing!"

According to insider sources, Newberry returned home wearing a Giovinco kit with a club scarf to his parents house in order to celebrate Thanksgiving together as a family before realizing that his new found addiction to the club soccer game exposed his, now, continental taste in the global game.

"I bet you like latte's and art films depicting mans struggle against his deeper impulses now," stated younger brother Tommy who quickly quizzed Newberry as to the alphabetic list of player sweaters retired by the Pats to see if he had already forgotten his roots. 

Newberry tried to explain this mother Doris that Toronto FC might be the best MLS team ever in the history of the league, however Doris Newberry stated, "that's nice dear," while starting a DVR replay of the 2017 Everest Curling challenge from August and asking her son to make some coffee.

The Nutmeg News will have more on Newberry's struggle as he tries to show Youtube videos of the fans from Toronto FC's shield win against the New York Red Bulls to his brother Billy in order to indoctrinate him.

Due To Cost Cutting Measures, NWSL Final Will Be A Skyped Subbuteo Game

ORLANDO - Due to cost cutting measures, it was announced that the National Women's Soccer League final will be a Skyped Subbuteo game played over phone by Mark Parsons and Paul Riley from their prospective locations.

"Mark Parsons has ordered a kick movement on Lindsey Horan. Paul Riley has ordered a move for Taylor Smith to block"

"Mark Parsons has ordered a kick movement on Lindsey Horan.

Paul Riley has ordered a move for Taylor Smith to block"

"We were really hoping that the NWSL final would feature the Pride, so we didn't plan on having to budget for team travel from over 600 miles and 3000 miles away," stated league operations director Amanda Duffy.

"We spoke to both teams and told them to prepare for the game via phone and found a stream sponsor in Flyers Wings & Grill to fund the Skype stream so that our fans can watch as league officials play out commands from the two NWSL managers on a scale subbuteo table. Flyers Wings on 5621 W Colonial Dr.... now with more dipping sauces and more options, for a sophisticated wing experience."

Reportedly, NWSL officials are concerned that they were unable to pre-order female represented Subbuteo characters. However, Duffy stated, "Both the Thorns and the Flash...er... the Courage should be honored to be represented by the Brazil and Argentina men's figurines in this game. What better way to honor our NWSL final than having both women's teams on an equal figurine representation field with two of the best men's national teams of all time."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as controversy erupts with Paul Riley claims that his figurines aren't getting respect from the figurine referees controlled by 18 year old Community College student Zach Boggs of Daytona Beach.

The US Missing The World Cup Would Be An Apocalyptic DISASTER Unseen In US History

The Nutmeg News accepts letters to the editor, and will publish them when deemed appropriate. You may send correspondence, rebuttals or opinions to mail@thenutmegnews.com

The information within does not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of The Nutmeg News or its affiliates.

Today's letter comes from Jimmy Petersburg of Macon, Georgia.

"Dear Nutmeg News,

Let us not mince words, soccer fans, the United States missing the world cup would UNDOUBTEDLY be the worst disaster to befall the United States in the month of October and an apocalyptic disaster unseen in United States history. 

This is worse than Pumpkin Spice Lattes, or Kim Kardashian's sister's baby. This is even worse than those godless anti-patriots kneeling on the ground because they what hate the flag and this country and freedom and the right to bare arms.

No, this would be worse than all the above plus 1,000,000 reasons that I won't spell out. Trust me, just trust me. Just look at the papers, the headlines, the blogs! The United States has reached an apocalyptic scenario!

USQualifying.jpg

What would missing the 2018 World Cup mean for soccer in America? It would be the end of all things! We would start over from scratch and prioritize pickleball as our national sport. The NFL would devolve into nothing but protests, the NBA would continue to be very thuggy even though I haven't watched it in 20 years because Michael Jordan retired and I don't need preachy athletes telling me what to do. Hockey would continue to be ignored. Baseball would continue to be lionized by old white people for the time before integration. My god, it would be an epic disaster of epic proportions rivaling the time that the United States surrendered to General Grant at Appomattox!

No, we must not let the United States fail to qualify. We must not have children who will remember October 2017 for the time when we failed to be the 3rd or 2nd best soccer nation in one of the worst confederations in the world. We MUST qualify. The United States will waive that flag on high and I will tie it around my neck with my American flag board shorts, tank top and World War Champs hat. I will tell those people from Panama to go fuck themselves like a good American should. 

I Believe

I Believe That We 

I Believe That We Will

I Believe That We Will Stand For The US Anthem Because This Nation Is The Best And That Is What My Bumper Sticker Will Say

God Bless our Patriots on the field, especially Geoff Cameron.

Jimmy Petersburg

Macon, GA

Merch Game Stronger Than Soccer Game For NPSL Side

Kettering, OH - NPSL team the Kettering "Fighting" Ketamine admitted that their merch game is stronger than their soccer game as they continued to sell out of merchandise for the K's despite poor performances on the field.

NPSL.jpg

"We are well reknowned for our line of t-shirts, hats, hoodies and merchandise," stated Ketamine general manager Steve O'Hare. "Our merchandise is the best you will find in the NPSL and I'd argue the best you will find in the USL or NASL either."

Reportedly, the Fighting Ketamine lost 12 games during the 2017 season but this did nothing to stop the rolling merch sales as the Ketamine staff put out one banging design after another.

"It's really incredible," stated O'Hare. "We took all the money we were going to spend on staff, facilities and player scouting and put it back into our merch team and social media. We are making more in online sales than we ever were at the box office. Eventually we might channel some of that money back into the team. Up the mighty fighting Ketamine!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans describe the last game of the 2017 season for the Ketamine as 11 men running around in a stupor.

Now Is Not Time To Talk About Gun Control FC States League Official

Arlington, VA - An official with the Arlington Women's Soccer League (AWSL) stated that now was not the time to talk about Gun Control FC as they pushed off a decision on whether to allow or deny the team to play in the AWSL for the 20th consecutive year.

Women_s-Rec-League_large.png

"Now is not the time to talk about Gun Control FC," stated Linda Browning, president of Arlington Women's Soccer. "With the season already started and recent games having happened, we must have respect for the process and delay talk about admitting them as a team into our league."

Players with Gun Control FC stated that they only want to play and that the vast majority of players within the AWSL agreed that they should be in place. However, league officials with the AWSL stated that this was not acceptable.

"If we let in Gun Control FC, we will have to let in All Pets Should Burn In A Fire FC, Anarchy For Everyone United, A.C. People Who Peer At You Over Bathroom Stalls To Check Out Your Genitals And Laugh At Them, and Single Payer Healthcare Revolution" stated Browning.

"We can't have league composed of anarchist, pet burning perverts who want to watch healthcare revolution play just because we want to let Gun Control FC into the league. Beside, the National Registration Alliance put a lot of money into our league to specifically keep us from registering Gun Control FC and we can't say no to money. We want to wish the best of luck to the Gun Control FC players as they work towards their goal of becoming professional players, even without a team on which to play. We are sending our thoughts and prayers to them."

The Nutmeg News will.... ah....you know what... we will have more on this but, let's be honest, ABSOLUTELY nothing is going to change.

United Win As United Lose As United Lose Late

The past week in Major League Soccer (MLS) was eventful as United won as United lost after United lost late.

Every city gets a United!

Every city gets a United!

"United playing United was a pulsating contest," claimed United announcer Roger Everly. "Clearly it wasn't at the level of United playing United from earlier in the season. Or United playing United away, or United playing United at home. Or that road game for United where they fought against United, or really even that game from earlier in the year where a struggling United played well against an in-form United; but still, it was a resplendent advertisement for United, United, but not United."

"We thought that United might struggle this year as we also thought United would be better this season as we also thought that United played pretty well," stated MLS statistical analyst Jeremy Gouche. "We also thought that United played better than we thought United would play and was only second to our overall thought that United also played very poorly at times, but also very well in their win as well as their loss"

Reportedly fans were both elated, upset and nonplussed at the results for United this week as they were looking forward to next weekend.

"United are going to dominate next weekend, but we also expect United to lose and United may also lose or draw," stated Gouche. "So set your fantasy lineup to make certain you include United players, but also don't include United players, and maybe pick up this United player because he is going to be ok against the matchup."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as United play United while United wait for United and United looks from the outside to see if they, alongside United, will make MLS Expansion.

Alex Morgan Fan Gets Kicked Out Of Universal Studios In Solidarity

Orlando, FL - Alex Morgan fan Diana Salinas stated, "I want to show Alex Morgan that she isn't alone" before getting kicked out of her couples vacation to Universal Studios Orlando, on Tuesday.

Which way to the bar?

Which way to the bar?

The Nutmeg News asked Ms. Salinas why she would do something like this and received the following response. 

"I love Alex. She is the world to me. The. WORLD. I needed to experience what it was like to be in her situation. Disney World, friends, drinks, and probably some jealous person who shoulda been kicked out other than the GOAT-woman-soccer-player-in-the-world-absolutely-the-best. I just have to know her and what it is like to be her. She's the best player in the world, the best. One time she favorited a tweet of mine. A TWEET. I put it in my profile. She's amazing.  So I have to get kicked out of Universal Studios. I just HAVE to. I mean if I get kicked out of Universal Studios, she might notice that I'm trying to protest against her unfair expulsion. There is no reason to care about anyone else on this story because they aren't Morgan. My friends told me that if I did this that I would be the biggest Alex Morgan superfan. They are all doing it now. It's called the Universal Studios treatment. It's great. I mean, we all use it now to help us play soccer. Have you ever been kicked out of Universal Studios? It makes you great. It's what Morgan uses."

When it was pointed out that Morgan have been in the wrong in this situation and that details are still unfolding, Ms. Salinas was verbose.

"Don't you DARE say something against Alex. She didn't get kicked out of Disney World because she was a bad person, she got kicked out of Disney World because there is a global conspiracy by Disney against her, and the coach hates her, and she was sad, and she needs my help, and she should come over to my place so we can hang out like besties and eat ice cream and talk about Abby Wambach."

The Nutmeg News reached out to Alex Morgan for comment and she sent the following statement.

"I love all my fans, all of them. I can't express how blessed I am in life. However, I can't help if some of my fans have attachment problems. If you think it is a problem for you, just imagine having all of them screaming at you all the time. Having said that, please don't get kicked out of a theme park for me. Also, all of my obsessive fans know that in order to be my number one fan they need to buy Degree Antiperspirant and Nationwide auto insurance. Nationwide, its on your side."

"Maybe Thoughts And Prayers Don't Work," States Rapids Fan

Denver, CO - Colorado Rapids fan Dave Kluzjek stated, "Maybe thoughts and prayers don't work," as the Rapids steamed ever closer towards the end of the season in last place.

Thoughts.jpg

Kluzjek indicated to our reporters that he spent most of the 2017 season and pre-season offering benedictions and thoughts towards the team in an attempt to have a successful 2017 season. After the 18th loss of the season, Kluzjek reportedly began to realize that his hopes and prayers for the season were unsuccessful and possibly don't work.

"I thought that if I really gave this season and some players some prayer that we would have a good 2017, but it just hasn't happened at all. I prayed for Tim Howard to be successful, for Pablo to make the right decisions, and for Kroenke Sports and Entertainment to acquire the right players. Unfortunately it appears that all of my prayers went unanswered. My friends in prayer told me that you can't pray for the things you want to happen because it isn't wish fulfillment, but they pray for world peace and universal love. Honestly, looking at the world today peace and love has less of a chance happening than the Rapids finishing in first place next season."

Kluzjek stated that he failed to pray before the Montreal game and the Rapids won that 2-1 so he is taking that as a sign that he should stop but insisted that he will keep praying for his sick cousin who needs a liver transplant stating, "Carl really needs help."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kluzjek finds himself praying for the 2018 offseason to be successful just like he did in 2017 and 2016 and 2015 and 2014 and 2013 and 2012 and 2011 and 2010 and 2009 and 2008 and 2007 and 2006 and 2005 and 2004 and 2003 and 2002 and 2001 and 2000 and 1999 and 1998 and 1997 and 1996.

After Eternal Wait For New Stadium, D.C. United Fan Would Now Like To Remain In RFK

WASHINGTON - After a seemingly eternal wait for a new stadium spanning 21 years, D.C. United fan Sam Spearing stated that she would now like to remain at RFK stadium stating, "What a piece of shit," about the new Audi Field.

The prominence of the soccer ball to the car is an indication of the sport taking second billing to the luxury............. or something.

The prominence of the soccer ball to the car is an indication of the sport taking second billing to the luxury............. or something.

"No big flags, no T.I.F.O rigging, no banners, an off-center supporters group view, no self ticket control, no roof, a shrunken capacity in the supporters section and the supporters put right next to a luxury box section.... why the hell is anyone excited for this dumpster fire," stated Spearing to The Nutmeg News.

Spearing was excited to see the rendering for the new stadium when the rumor started that United was finally going to have a new home, but after the ownership group indicated their intention to do everything possible to screw over the loyal supporters that stuck with them despite their inability to do anything about the stadium for the past 22 seasons her enthusiasm waned.

"RFK is terrible, but at least we could control our own experience," stated Spearing. "Now we are going to a new sterile stadium with virtually no privileges and we will be stuck there for the long term future. It's awful. Atlanta, Orlando, San Jose each attempted to cater to both the luxury boxes and hard core fans. This stadium just jams us all in one corner where it seems like our team ownership is doing everything to remove any kind of passion that we showed for our team during losing seasons when they weren't even around."

D.C. United stated that they understood Spearings concern about the supporters experience but stated that if she wanted a better experience she should upgrade to a new LUXURY box where she could hang any banner she wanted from the inside of her location provided that it fits the requirements allowed in by stadium security and isn't affixed to a location permanently.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Spearing stares at the ticket membership page for the 3rd day in a row without buying anything.

USMNT Fan Conveniently Doesn't Have A German Team To Support

Omaha, NE - USMNT fan Bill Dickinson announced that he conveniently doesn't have a German team to support as he followed the official BVB Dortmund account on Twitter and looked at buying a Pulisic kit.

"One of these three is Pulisic, right?"

"One of these three is Pulisic, right?"

Despite a brief flirtation with Bayern Munich for the past 2 years, Dickinson apparently considered himself a fan without a team in Germany until the United States superstar and internationally decent soccer player Christian Pulisic started playing in the Dortmund side.

"I can't pick out where Dortmund is on the map, I've never been to Germany, I don't speak German and I don't know anything about them other than their big T.I.F.O displays, but I'm excited to be a new fan," stated Dickinson to The Nutmeg News. "I just hope that everyone realizes that I'm only here for Pulisic and when he leaves to go to some other team then I'm going to be a huge fan of them."

Dickinson was welcomed with open arms into the local Dortmund community in Omaha as the "Pulisic/Dortmund Fan Club" holds weekly meetings to watch the games if it sounds like Pulisic is going to start or play.

"We are huge Pulisic fans and by extension any team that he plays upon, so we are very big with Dortmund right now," stated club president Garry Richards. "We can't wait for the next step in his evolution because it can be difficult finding Bundesliga games on the television."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dickinson learns that there are 11 players on a soccer team.

North Carolina Courage Ready For Playoff Loss After Clinching NWSL Shield

Cary, NC - The North Carolina Courage are, reportedly, ready for their upcoming playoff loss after clinching the NWSL shield on Wednesday for the best record in the league. 

Yep

Yep

"We would like to apologize for our fans for our future performance," stated head coach Paul Riley. "And we would like to state that we will put a better effort into not winning the shield next season as we prepare for the 2018 NWSL season in Atlanta as the Atlanta Beat FC."

According to insider sources, the Courage drastically overshot their desired point total and realized that they were going to win the shield and lose in the playoffs last week at which point it was already too late.

"Dammit," stated owner Stephen Malik. "We were hoping for a championship, not the consolation prize."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Courage prepare for the offseason with one game left to go in the regular season.