Colorado Rapids Announce They Are Not Giving Up On The Season Until After Second Transfer Window

Denver, CO - Vehemently denying that they are done making deals for 2022, the front office of the Rapids stated that they would, “Not give up on the season until after the second transfer window is closed.”

“We will be tough and we will fight all the way until the end of August 4th,” stated one Rapids insider. “At which point we will then give up, but NOT one moment before then.”

Indicating that the trade of Mark-Anthony Kaye was, “only the beginning,” the Rapids detailed their upcoming plans to aggressively try to win the season until August 4th before collapsing during the fall.

“This is OUR time,” stated one anonymous source. “You cannot look at these deals in isolation. You HAVE to look at our record over the last 5 years, or rather… forget that… what we mean is that you can only look at what we are going to do going forward that only we know about that we won’t tell you about because we have a plan. We are going to win these next few weeks and then we are going to give up, but we won’t give up until we win these next few weeks. I know the boys in the locker room feel the pressure of August 4th just like everyone else.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Rapids reach out to an underperforming USL midfielder, a depth fullback from Macedonia and a possible backup striker from Benin.

Los Angeles Fans Band Together To Make Alexi Lalas Feel Unwelcome At Their Games As Well

LOS ANGELES - Proving to be a bigger unity point than anything else n their short history, fans of the Los Angeles Galaxy and Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) announced a plan to band together to make Alexi Lalas feel unwelcome at their games.

“We will not stand by and have him feel only unwelcome at so-called rivalry games in Seattle,” stated LAFC fan Roger Jimenez. “We need to make certain that he feels like we are hostile and unwelcoming as well.”

Sources indicate that a truce only related to making Lalas feel unwelcome has been negotiated between fans with all other ideas of working together instantly voided.

“I hate LAFC and their fans, but we need to do this thing so that Lalas can go away,” stated Galaxy fan Jonas Gutierrez. “Other than that, their stadium can sink into the ocean.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lalas claims this is a victory for him.

Minnesota United Fan Announces 2 Year Extension To Their Depression

Minneapolis, MN - It hasn’t been the start to the 2022 season that Minnesota United fan Sandra Andrews wanted, but the Loons fan is sticking with their chronic depression for the foreseeable future.

The Minnesota United fan announced Thursday they’ve signed their depression to a two-year extension, which keeps their depression under contract with Minnesota through the 2024 season. The deal was made official after Minnesota United signed new contracts for Adrian Heath, Ian Fuller, Sean McAuley and goalkeeper coach Stewart Kerr.

Depression has been with Andrews since the Loons entered Major League Soccer in 2017 and has continued to lead the fan despite three straight MLS Playoff appearances.

“My depression has been absolutely instrumental in driving me further and further away from the so-called competitive success of the team,” stated Andrews. “The commitment that the team has to the current direction regardless of the feelings of fans or the results on the field has really helped form what seems like an endless miasma of rudderless angst, that I really appreciate now.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andrews searches google for a therapist in the Twin Cities area before wondering if starting a new Skyrim save as a dual wielding magic user will fix the issue instead.

San Jose Executive Excited For Opportunity To Sell Gifted World Cup Tickets For $2000 Over Face Value

San Jose, CA - San Jose executive Grant Sellers stated that he was excited for the opportunity to have his assistant sell gifted 2026 World Cup tickets for $2000 over face as he declared that it was, “a twice in a lifetime opportunity.”

“Not many people get the opportunity to overprice World Cup tickets,” stated Sellers to The Nutmeg News. “I’m going to use the money to pay for a new non-slip decking on my yacht in the Seychelles.”

Sellers stated that he knows that he will end up with tickets he plans on not using, regardless of the future date of the World Cup.

“If I don’t end up with free ones, I’ll rattle a few trees. Don’t worry. I’ll make it happen,” stated Sellers from the private watch party and celebration at Levi’s Stadium. “We are gonna pluck this chicken and feed it to the poor, er… the less fortunate.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Glen Fellows, from Oakland, begins saving right now for tickets.

Journalist Turns In Blank Page In Order To Avoid Politics Based Reporting On World Cup

WASHINGTON - In an effort to appease his apolitical fans and stay compliant with a mandate from his editor, soccer journalist Brian Talmund turned in a blank page for his report on the assigned cities for the upcoming 2026 World Cup and closed his laptop for the evening.

“They didn’t want any politics involved so I reported everything I could,” stated Talmund to The Nutmeg News.

According to the turned in report, the only thing Talmund could do was number the pages as even turning in a city byline would indicate the political leanings of the city upon which he was reporting and the lobbying therein.

“I was told to strictly separate politics and sport,” stated Talmund. “And there is literally no way that I can report on anything in which FIFA is involve…. or soccer, or Washington D.C. without talking about politics. So this way I’m going to call it a day and try to go to bed early for once.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people on Twitter call this a political statement clearly designed to inflame tensions with republicans.

International Break Gives Man Time To Finally Focus On Supporters Group Drama

LOS ANGELES - With the international break stopping his club from distracting him with their on the field play, LAFC fan Paul Stewart stated that he finally had time to focus on Supporters Group drama.

“Normally I can push all that crap aside to focus on the field,” stated Stewart to The Nutmeg News. “However, with the team not playing I can really figure out why I dislike certain members of 3252 and why I think that they are terrible at every level.”

Stewart indicated that all this free time is really a gift to finally figure out what it is that pisses him off about the recent banners, the people who made them, the people associated with them, and those responsible for every single one of the songs, chants and moves in the stands that he loathes.

“I’m going to finally have time to jump to conclusions,” stated Stewart. “I’m definitely going to call out some people without proof and develop some really intricate grudges that will detail specifically my dislike of anyone associated with the people I dislike leading to a complete dissatisfaction with the supporters group that will culminate in my changing my season tickets in 2 years or less.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stewart logs onto twitter and types “THREAD - 1/32” before launching into a multi-post takedown.

Christian Pulisic Blames Millennials For Killing USMNT Fanbase

Cincinnati, OH - Speaking passionately about the state of the American fans at the United States vs Morocco game, Christian Pulisic blamed Millennials and their inability to save for killing the USMNT fanbase.

Stating, “Fans need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and prioritize debt elimination so they can attend USMNT games,” Pulisic castigated the youth group who are now between 35 to 40 years old.

“Millennials are constantly getting into debt from their student loans to ivy league schools to their avocado toast to their useless expenditures for boutique coffee,” stated Pulisic. “What we are seeing is their inability to save for necessary expenditures like tickets to a meaningless game against Morocco on a Wednesday night.”

Pulisic went on to say, “they need to spend less at the grocery store and more at Ticketmaster. What are groceries right now? £50 a month delivered? Maybe they should stop driving as much and take the train to work. Maybe they should consider having their personal assistant take a pay cut. Maybe they should stop spending all their money on frappe latte’s at Starbucks so they could afford to cancel all their credit card debt. Seriously, what are their financial advisors telling them to do with their bond and security investments that they can’t pay off their bills by just cutting a television promo for a Chipotle.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Pulisic suggests every fan earmark additional funds from their offshore accounts in tax havens for future USMNT games.

Portland Timbers Fan Spends CONCACAF Champions League Final Day Trying To Figure Out If He Has A Timbers Ticket Representative This Year

Salem, OR - Portland Timbers fan Gary Andrews stated that he is spending the entire CONCACAF Champions League final day emailing out to various Timbers group email accounts trying to figure out if he has a Timbers Ticket Representative this year who can answer his questions.

“I don’t think I’ve had an actual assigned ticket representative in over 2… maybe 3 years,” stated Andrews. “So look, it’s not like I’m ignoring the game, but the last 5 emails I sent haven’t gotten a response and no one seems willing to talk about my season tickets, much less about how I can get ADU seating for my brother-in-law at an upcoming game. The only communication I get is about possible group sales for luxury boxes.”

Sources indicate that Andrews feels increasingly disconnected from the team over the past three years as even simple requests over gameday items have gone by the wayside.

“I’d just like to know that someone is reading my emails,” stated Andrews. “I understand that I sent some heated emails over the past few years and I know that I moved to Salem; but it’s like I don’t exist to them. I held on to my season tickets for over 10 years. At this point, I’d just like someone to tell me blank platitudes. It honestly feels like a black hole over there, and even if I get someone assigned to me they are either leaving again soon or they don’t respond.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andrews gets a notification on his phone, picks it up thinking its from his email application and turns on his phone only to find out that it was a notification that the CCL final just kicked off.

Robert Kraft States That He's, "Optimistic About A Revolution Stadium," For Record 28th Year

Boston, MA - Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Revolution, stated that he is, "Optimistic about a Revolution stadium," for a record 28th year as the quest to continue stringing along the fans of the local soccer team continued unabated.

THIS time it's true! I GUARANTEE it.

"I'm absolutely optimistic about a Revolution stadium," stated Kraft as he continued to ensure that the team has zero advertising and operating budget. "I looked at some dirt, recently. I liked that dirt. It reminded me that I should be optimistic about a stadium."

Reportedly, Kraft became optimistic about a New England Revolution stadium when he was working on some business for his one true love, the New England Patriots, and realized that he hadn't made a statement in some months about a stadium project that seems unlikely to ever manifest.

"It's been some time since I hinted at something that hasn't happened, and I needed to set the record for the 28th year in a row."

Research shows that Kraft has been optimistic about a Revolution stadium since the team was founded back in 1994 and that his ability to promise and not deliver is somehow reflective of the way in which he runs the Revolution as some kind of absentee father who realizes that his child has good grades and promises to spend more time with them before heading down to the bar to drink with the Patriots fans.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft remembers to be optimistic about a Revolution stadium in 2023, 2024 and 2025, as well.

"What Am I Doing With My Life," States Denver Man Watching Montreal vs Atlanta Game

Denver, CO - Sitting on his couch in his apartment, Denver resident Anders Myers stated, “What am I doing with my life,” after he realized that he was watching the Montreal v Atlanta game on ESPN+.

Myers reportedly tuned into the game because it was the only MLS option, at the time, on ESPN as he realized that he had some time before he needed to go run some errands.

“I don’t care about either of these teams and I’m not certain they care about this game either,” stated Myers to his cat. “Why am I talking to you? You hate soccer.”

Sources indicate that Myers nearly fell asleep to the game before he sat up, grabbed his phone and surfed Instagram reels while texting friends to see if anyone wanted to meet up for a beer later.

“Huh, it’s 1-1 now,” stated Myers in his mind before he looked back at his phone and switched from Instagram to Twitter and then from Twitter to Duolingo and then from Duolingo back to Instagram reels.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Myers looks up in just enough time to realize the game is over and he needs to shower before he heads out.

NWSL Sets 2022 Goal Of Not Having Any Coaches Removed For Sexual Harassment And Assault

CHICAGO - The National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) announced a 2022 season goal, before the first game of the season, to not have a coaches for any of the teams in the league removed for sexual harassment and assault as they said, “ok, THIS will be the year.”

Sources with the league indicate that allegations against Houston Dash coach and general manager James Clarkson happened before the season started as they indicated, “2022 is our NO harassment year!"

“We’ve put in a lot of effort this season to cut down the coverups and the sexual assault/grooming,” stated one league insider who wouldn’t detail what those efforts involved. “This is definitely the year for the league to make it through without having someone get fired. Absolutely. Very certain. Mostly certain. Executives don’t count.”

With every single team having their head coach leaving, this offseason, the league is bullish on their attempts at starting over.

“Granted nearly every single one of the power structures that enabled this are still in place, but THIS is the year that those executives behave,” stated one team insider.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the ham handed attempts by the league to protect the players don’t protect the players.

Anthony Precourt Announces Move Of Austin FC To San Diego After Open Cup Loss

Austin, TX - Claiming a lack of business engagement and metrics that will allow his team to be successful, Austin FC owner Anthony Precourt announced that he would be looking into moving the team to San Diego in an attempt to start over.

Trevor Ruszkowski-USA TODAY Sports

“We are still in the process of identifying the right stadium site in San Diego, CA,” stated Precourt Sports Venture. “We recognize some would prefer if this process were to move faster, however we believe that ultimately there is value in being thorough as opposed to being fast. And although we are willing to dedicate significant time and expense in this effort, we are not in a position to move to San Diego if the right site is not identified.

“Additionally, we have engaged and hired a team of experts to help bring a San Diego team to life, including: JP Morgan for financial expertise; Armbrust & Brown for legal and real estate counsel; CAA/ICON for project management oversight and feasibility; Gensler for sports architecture and design; Elizabeth Christian Public Relations for local media relations; two local branding and advertising agencies; local political advisors and consultants; among others.

“As we continue a dialogue with San Diego about possible locations for a soccer facility in San Diego’s urban core, we welcome new ideas and community input before any further decisions are made or actions are taken.

“Elected officials and community leaders, as well as thousands of citizens, have repeatedly stated that they support the concept of establishing a home for Major League Soccer in San Diego. We are hopeful that, if in the context of this conversation the best site is either parkland or city-owned land, the will of the people, across a spectrum of perspectives and districts, would be heard.”

Sources with the Austin business community state, “how did we not see this coming,” however they claimed that they would work tirelessly to attempt to keep the team local.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Austin FC fans try to figure out some version of Save The Crew without calling it Save The Verde.

Flower City Union Staff Asks If Any Fans Have Hidden Flares They Could Light For Some Warmth

Rochester, NY - Playing in rain, snow, and wind, Flower City Union representatives reportedly went into the stands to ask if any fans there have hidden flares they could light for some warmth.

“Look, we don’t care how they got here, but if you guys could light them now, that would be great,” stated one team representative.

Sources indicate that even the smoke grenades aren’t doing enough as they only provide a temporary respite from the all encompassing drizzling, snowing gloom that hangs over the field in Rochester.

“Some people think I lit this smoke bomb off for the team, but I can’t actually feel my fingers so I didn’t even know it was lit until I looked up and saw the wind carrying it off,” stated one anonymous fan.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as our on-site reporter goes into a freezer to warm up and report.

Fan Of MLS Team In US Open Cup Game Ready To Have Worst Night Of His Life

INTERNET - Jeff Andrews, a soccer fan for an MLS team, is reportedly absolutely ready to have the worst night of his life as he watches a US Open Cup game where his team has a high probability of losing and he will remain irrationally angry about the result for years afterward.

“As I move into my 30s I’m ready to become extremely cynical and jaded about this team,” stated Andrews to The Nutmeg News. “And this is a real opportunity for my team to lose in a dramatic fashion crushing my spirit and lending a negative viewpoint to almost everything regarding the team for the next year or two.”

Sources say that Andrews prepared himself by irrationally claiming that, “THIS TEAM WILL NEVER LOSE TO A LOWER LEAGUE TEAM,” on every social media platform he could find as he attempts to create such a high in himself that the inevitable loss will crush his soul.

“It’s my time to shine,” stated Andrews. “I’m fully prepared to not accept the eventuality of this and throw my hat on the ground in front of me lacing the air with a fine peppering of profanities I learned by watching Chelsea games for the last three years. I may or may not punch a wall, as well.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andrews gets a sinking feeling when he looks at the starting lineup.

San Jose Earthquakes Search Local PennySaver For New Head Coach

San Jose, CA - Stating, “this could be a good way for us to save some money,” the San Jose Earthquakes turned to their local PennySaver in order to find their next head coach.

“We need someone who is flexible with what constitutes the overall makeup and abilities of a professional soccer team,” stated one Earthquakes insider. “Honestly, finding someone in the PennySaver would really help us temper their expectations of what the job will entail. We really need someone who thinks the whole is experience is…. NEAT. Someone who thinks that the wooden spoon isn’t so bad if you think about it.”

Sources indicate that the Earthquakes have already reached out to Doug Harbottle, a 45 year dad of 3 with no professional licenses who coaches youth soccer from “coaching soccer for dummies” to see if he would be interested.

“He has former coaching experience and he said that he brings his own juice boxes and orange slices. That might save us another $5 per game,” stated our Earthquakes insider.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Harbottle complains about the lack of money available for player recruitment.

Minnesota Fan Expelled From Supporters Group Over Heath Bar Photo

Minneapolis, MN - Posting a picture of a Heath bar with the caption, “HEATH IN, to your mouth! Everyone knows this is great,” Minnesota United fan Chris Pouncy was expelled from Loon’s Farm, the Minnesota United Supporters Group dedicated to Minnesota United and wine coolers.

HEATH IN, TO YOUR MOUTH.

“It was determined that Chris was intentionally trolling our manifesto that requested the removal of Adrian Heath immediately and an apology to all fans for the disastrous start of this season,” stated Loon’s Farm president Jeffrey Bartles.

Sources close to Mr. Pouncy indicate that he was merely enjoying a snack as he stated, “WHO DOESNT LOVE TOFFEE? HONESTLY,” after receiving the notification that he was no longer a dues paying member.

“This fight about Adrian Heath is tearing us apart and it’s incredibly stupid,” stated Mr. Pouncy on his Facebook page which was immediately brigaded with comments comparing his words to the start of the team this season, the finish of the team last season, and the current situation in Ukraine.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pouncy posts an apology to, “all the haters who can’t enjoy delicious Heath bars and Emanuel Reynoso,” on his Twitter account with great effect.

Run On Nose Plugs Reported After Columbus Crew Draws USOC Trip To Detroit City

Columbus, OH - Stating, “We must protect our proud, supple, bodily orafices,” Columbus Crew players and staff reportedly started a general run in the area on nose plugs, ear plugs and gas masks.

“The report is that the fans will assault you with smell,” stated one anonymous midfielder. “I’ve eaten Skyline Chili so I’m fine, but I’m worried about our midfielders.”

Sources indicate that the Crew purchased nose plugs in bulk and have their team working on open mouth running, a new trend.

“It is said that if you open your mouth, you can breathe through it instead of your nose,” stated one Crew athletic trainer. “We are working on that while having the team prepare for this game. We may end up sending some of our starting 11 for the game to train in the Cincinnati area in order to prepare for the assault on smell.”

For all the dire warnings about an assault on the senses, some Crew supporters are already prepared as one fan stated, “Honestly, this is nothing new. I always wear nose plugs when I go to Detroit.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Detroit City fans prepare to assault the fifth sense, proprioception.

FC Tulsa Files Grievance Over Being Included In Texas Region

Tulsa, Oklahoma - FC Tulsa, today, filed a grievance over being included in the “Texas Region” of the US Open Cup Draw as they repeatedly stated, “OKLAHOMA IS NOT TEXAS.”

Sources indicate that the club stated that, “Texas Sucks and Kansas Blows and that’s why Oklahoma is so windy,” as part of their petition to be included in literally any region than the Texas region.

“This is an outrage,” stated one anonymous FC Tulsa employee. “We have almost NOTHING in common with Texas except for our geographical, political, social similarities and our shared tolerance of Whataburger. If we are included in this geographical region we demand that the region be named by the winner of the Red River Rivalry, in which case this region would absolutely be called the Oklahoma Region.”

For their part, the Texas teams collectively stated that the Oklahoma response was, “A symptom of Oklahoma wanting to be a part of Texas, like usual.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Dallas accuses FC Tulsa of spreading “leftist Oklahoma values,” by virtue of the Braums down the street from the stadium.

Portland Thorns And Timbers Promise To Hire Someone To Take Accountability For Any Future Scandals

Portland, OR - The Portland Thorns and Timbers front office announced, today, that they would hire someone to take accountability for any future scandals as the team announced a new “Fall Person” post.

Not him, though.

“Our new Fall Person will be a non-gender-specific community focused person who will be held accountable for any future missteps by our organization,” stated the press release. “We hear and respect our fans and we promise that for any future scandals, other than the ones we just went through, SOMEONE not affiliated with the ownership group, executives or current management of the team will be held accountable.”

According to insiders, the Fall Person will be subject to being immediately removed from their position with great public fanfare should any scandals make it to the press which requires the team to need to appear to take responsibility.

“Basically this is always going to be a temporary position,” stated one front office insider. “The person that they hire will ultimately be to blame if the ownership of the team hires another sexual predator or employs someone involved in domestic violence, again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this the front office offer the person in this position 33,500 per year, provided that they make themselves always available for any additional tasks required of them on all weekends and weeknights.

Stoner Not Concerned Which Pot Canada Is Into

Surrey, BC - Stoner and soccer fan Phillipa Gauthier stated that she really wasn’t concerned which pot Canada was into as she indicated, “oh man, you know… it’s all good.”

Nobody messes with Canadian Geese.

Defying the immediate concern of many of her counterparts involved in Canadian Men’s Soccer on Twitter, Gauthier stated that everything was, “totally great,” because as she indicated, “like, we qualified… you know… it’s like been a while since that was like the thing that we… um… oh shit… I totally spaced. What are we talking about? You want Timmy’s?”

Indicated a preference for a hybrid Indica, Gauthier waxed rhapsodic about the benefits of a nice Sativa pot before she pivoted to whether pot 4 had the easiest teams to beat.

“If we come out of this playing Iran, then I think that’s a sign for a little tincture with a heavy dose of CBD. If we end up playing Argentina, then I suggest high THC and just go for that gaucho ride.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when we finish talking about whether our fingers are gonna fing or not.