Underpaid MLS Players Use Insider Information With Draft Kings To Cover Bills

A number of different Major League Soccer players who are playing for the league minimum salary have confirmed to The Nutmeg News that they are utilizing the Major League Soccer partnership with Draft Kings along with their insider information from playing in the league to supplement their income.

It's not Gambling! IT ISNT! Look, just because you put money in with the expectation of winning or losing money on a sport that relies on both investigating information but also luck doesn't make it gambling. IT IS NOT GAMBLING. HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO SAY THIS.

The Nutmeg News has changed the names of the players that have informed on this situation in order to protect the innocent and allow them to speak freely of their situations.

"I live in one of the biggest media markets in the world," said one North Eastern MLS player "and I barely have enough money to live. The stipends help, but honestly it isn't enough when you have people to take care of. So I noticed one day that Dax McCarty was having a little bit of trouble in practice, Luis Robles wasn't sharp, and I wasn't going to play anyway..... so I bet against a few of my fellow Red Bulls that day. I made enough money to cover a few bills and I don't care what anyone says. MLS wants to pay us fringe money, this is what we need to do to survive."

While the spectre of insider trading on Draft Kings from Draft Kings and Fanduel employees is nothing new, the advent of insider trading by athletes is something people didn't see coming.

"One time after practice I was sitting in a bathroom stall” sand one MLS player in the West, “and I saw through the tiny crack [player] walk up to a urinal, place one hand on the wall, and then grunt and sweat profusely as he peed. I knew had contracted some kind of STD. He didn't have enough time to go get it treated before game and itching his junk the whole time was going to slow him down. I found a way to parlay this information into my rent money for the month. It was great. I finally have a way of really making money from this sport instead of this low rent salary shit that the players union accepts like chumps."

While some of the stories we uncovered were fairly benign, one in particular was dramatically disturbing.

"I needed money. I've got a baby. Formula is expensive. This seemed like the perfect way to make ends meet. I know that one of our midfielders likes girls. Like really really likes girls, y'know? Picking different ladies up at bars every night? Trying to give Wilt Chamberlain a run for his money? I worked out a plan to try and set him up so I could bet against him. I paid a couple hookers for all-night service to hook up with him at his favorite bar and take him back to his place to wear him out. I was shocked when he came into the locker room the next morning fresh as a daisy. He even scored a brace of goals. My wife and I were eating ramen for a month.”

The Nutmeg News is NOT brought to you by Draft Kings. 

Chicago Fire Fan Remembers He Actually Loves The Cubs

CHICAGO - Fire fan Trent Ostnis finally remembered that he is a Chicago Cubs fan as the Cubs entered into a small period of success for the first time in seven years.

"Well, I've been a Chicago Fire fan since the team started, and I was a Sting fan before that back in the NASL, but honestly I'm starting to remember that I was also a Cubs fan at one point and they are winning and dear god I need something to brighten up my day right now," said Mr Ostnis to us while purchasing a white "win" flag.

YOU DIDN'T HELP.

"It's been awful watching the slow, painful death that the Fire have suffered under Hauptman and Yallop over the last few years and it was compounded by me not being a big enough Hockey fan to jump on the Blackhawks bandwagon. However, I can get behind the Cubs. I really can."

Sociologist say that locations like Chicago, New York and Los Angeles offer a healthy level of distraction for any fan of a sports team. We spoke to Dr. Fritz Grewst from the Heinz Commission about this, "Yes, places that have multiple sports teams that all don't suck at the same time offer a sports fan the ability to escape his situation for a moment. However, places with only one or two professional sports teams will inevitably see their passions turn to obsessions when the results don't go their way."

As for Mr Ostnis he says, "I just know I'm not spending any money on the Fire til they figure out what the hell they are doing. I'm all about the Cubs now. Hauptman Out, please."

Desperate Sports Parody Site Relentlessly Bashes United States Hero

Desperate Sports Parody Site The Nutmeg News wrote another column in a long line of columns on Landon Donovan, today, after the heroic United States striker made courageous comments about his dickhead coach.

TNN staff writers discuss how lame it is when professional athletes get all the girls.

Reportedly two of the staff writers (requisite NERDS) at The Nutmeg News talked to each other over their stale and cold pizza while drinking cans of Mountain Dew and playing Rocket League. The discussion went something like "Whoa, man. We should totally write this... um... like... Donovan thing.. Right?" To which they did indeed "Write this... um... like... Donovan thing" despite the strenuous interjection of legal and the ramifications of writing three Landon Donovan columns within a month span.

Staff writers at The Nutmeg News have reportedly been told that their attempts at writing a fourth Donovan column would be met with mass layoffs and a reduction in their Oreo and Sour Patch stocks as well as a removal of their Level 43 Night Elf World Of Warcraft character named Dicks MixARude.

The Nutmeg News will have more on The Nutmeg News when our Ombudsman starts writing about the horrible things we do all day.

Bored Sounders Fans Start Cheering For 4th Division Finnish Team During Seattle Game

Seattle, WA - Seattle fans bored with the LA Galaxy versus Seattle Sounders game on Sunday decided to start rooting for newly promoted fourth division Finnish team Tampere Unitedin Kannattajat, otherwise known as TamU-K. 

100% accurate translation is:  TamU-K number three -- Three Increased rear, the front Three

"There's only so long you can watch Lamar Neagle give up the ball before you just want something else" said David Gareer, Former Emerald City Supporters Member and current TamU-K fan. "I just gave it up, and stopped caring about the Sounders. It's all about TamU-K now. Did you know that the bluest skies are actually in Tampere? It's true."
 

Needs a Starbucks.

While most Sounders fans admit that they would rather root for TamU-K than Seattle right now, some are not so happy with the split as they have started rooting for Football Club International Turku which has created a massive split between the two supporters groups that come out to Century Link Field to remotely cheer on their Finnish sides.

"Fuck TamU-K. What do they know about football?" said ECS member Bob Randall. "Those guys and their fans are assholes. Every year the students from Tampere come back to Turku to  jump on the market square and push the city back into the sea. It's all about FC Inter Turku now, and that's why I come out to Century Link field."

The TamU-K fans will have their say though screaming out what the banner boldly says (according to google translate which is never wrong), "THREE INCREASED REAR, THE FRONT THREE" while they sing a modified version of "Roll on Columbia".

"At least with TamU-K we don't have to watch Dempsey limp around and strain his hamstring every other game" said Paul Jeffers. "Real lads support TamU-K. Only punk fans who like the Timbers and Galaxy support FC Inter Turku. You'll Never TamU-Kacht alone. I'm still working on that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Seattle Fans start rooting for Romanian side Asociația Club Sportiv Poli Timișoara.

Colorado Rapids Win Rocky Mountain Cup Derby, Exactly Two F--ks Given

Denver, CO - The final match in the 2015 Rocky Mountain Cup derby, a derby held each year between Real Salt Lake and the Colorado Rapids, was held this weekend and exactly two fucks were given. The first fuck was given by Colorado Rapids social media expert, Asher Price after discovering that the Rapids had won the cup.

The SUBARU Rocky Mountain Cup presented by your local Subaru dealership in alliance with Subaru, Subaru and Subaru, but brought to you exclusively by SUBARU. S-U-B-A-R-U!

"As soon as that final whistle blew we saw that Salt Lake had won 2-1." says Price, "We quickly did the math and discovered that the teams ended with four points apiece. It was going to come down to goal difference, but knowing how our season has gone I figured I was going to have to save my fuck for the next season. But after running over the numbers I found that we had actually won on goal difference."

It was at this point Asher Price gave his fuck, tweeted out the giving of his fuck on the companies Twitter account, and ran out of the box seats and down the Dicks Sporting Goods Park concourse cheering and yelling about the fuck he gave.

The Rocky Mountain Cup derby was created in 2005 when Salt Lake joined Major League Soccer although no one seems to know who created it or why. The supporters seem to claim they created it, the front offices claim they made it big by sponsoring it, and Subaru claims that you can get .5% off a brand new Forester if you bring in a ticket stub from the game, but no fucks were given by the Colorado supporters despite the fact that the cup ceremony followed the match and the fact that the Rapids have won the cup four times to Salt Lake’s seven, so its importance remains a mystery.

The second fuck was given fifteen minutes after the match’s conclusion as Price was running down the concourse screaming about the cup and the fuck he gave.  A highly inebriated Mark Heinsman was being assisted by his friends towards the exit at the time.

"I was trying hard not to vomit before I got outside," says Hinsman, "and then suddenly I see this skinny guy in a bow tie running down the concourse yelling about winning the cup. I was so out of it that when I heard the talk about winning a cup I flashed back to 2010 and thought we had just won an MLS cup. Like I said, I was really drunk. I shook my friends off my arms, immediately gave my fuck then and there, and ran up to this guy and we hugged and jumped chanting ‘we won the cup, we won the cup!’ It wasn’t until a couple hours later that I realized that guy was actually talking about the Rocky Mountain Cup, not an MLS cup. By then it was too late as my fuck had already been given and I couldn’t retract it."

TNN will continue to report on this story if any additional fucks are given about the Rocky Mountain Cup, intentionally or otherwise.

Man Uses USA v Mexico Game To Identify Racist Friends

Pasadena, CA – With the big CONCACAF Confederations Cup ‘winner take all’ playoff game between the United States and Mexico coming up in a few days, the city of Pasadena is getting ready to host over 90,000 soccer fans in Rose Bowl Stadium. Some soccer fans, and non-soccer fans, are striving to capitalize on the hype as the run up to the game builds in intensity. Charles Grant, a Pasadena resident, has chosen to use it as a way to filter out all of his racist friends from Twitter and Facebook. 

A cultural exchange highlighting the nuances of social bro-order and inter-cultural passion.

"Soccer? I don’t really have a personal leaning or inclination one way or another about the sport." Grant says, "What I do care about is race relations and the global acceptance of all nationalities and the elimination of xenophobia that is inherent in our cultural history and subconscious. It is to this end that I am following the social media trends surrounding the game as way to monitor racist, xenophobic, and homophobic comments so that I can remove those people from my timelines after leaving a strongly worded rebuke to them."

There have been numerous reports of racist comments coming from US Men’s National team fans regarding the Mexico National Team, especially from the USMNT supporters group The American Outlaws."

"My hope is that I can actually uncover one of my friends as being in the American Outlaws so that I can take screenshots of his or her comments and then submit them to the FBI as being a hate group. We need to identify all these people with their racist ideas and target them for social rehabilitation via Tweet blocking or else perhaps cultural reeducation camps. We cannot, as true Americans, allow this kind of hate to fester."

In order to draw out the racists, Grant has devised a plan to bait them into replying to a post that he intends to post at 9am and 3pm every day.

"I'm going to use the following post as bait 'This last week Jurgen Klinsmann announced that he had picked his players for the match and says he did so with an emphasis on players who ‘understand exactly now what this is all about.’ After I lead with that, then I just wait for people to say something akin to: ‘yeah, we know exactly what it’s about, am I right guys? Dos A Cero, go back to Mexico.’  At that point, I’ll have them."

The winner of the match will be playing in Russia in 2017 as a prelude to the 2018 FIFA World Cup. This match will determine which team will be able to attend and is expected to get very aggressive both on and off the pitch.

Grant continues: "The minute I see anything even remotely racist I’m going to take action. I don’t care if it’s a Mexican-American slur or even an outdated reference to Yo Quiero Taco Bell, I will immediately pounce on this imbecile and ensure that everyone around knows exactly what kind of hate filled and intolerant person they are."

Grant currently has five followers on Twitter, three of which appear to be adult services related. The Nutmeg News will continue to report on this unless we hear of the American Outlaws doing something stupid again, in which case we will pounce on that story and milk it for all that it’s worth.

Portland Timbers Fan States, "This Game Was An Anomaly" For The 19th Time In 2015

Portland, OR - Timbers Fan Maxwell Branch stated "Well, this game was an anomaly" for the 19th time in 2015 after the Timbers loss against Sporting Kansas City at home. The Nutmeg News caught up with Mr Branch at the Chinook Winds Casino to speak with him about the loss.

Blaming him won't help either. Maybe you should try scoring a goal instead?

"This game and this result are a total anomaly and not indicative of a larger trend that has continued over a statistically valid sample size of 31 games." said Branch while overcompensating for the loss on Saturday night. "It is pretty unbelievable how many times it's been something other than the Timbers fault for losing or drawing."

Mr Branch spent the entirety of our interview playing cards in the poker room and lost every hand while we spoke with him. 

"If I was playing poker and had bad luck again. again. again. again. again. again. again. at some point i'd think that maybe I was a shit gambler. Fortunately, as you can see, I'm not. It is just that the cards aren't coming, and the dealer has a problem with my sister, and the guy across the table is a pro who is palming cards, and the deal this time was a complete anomaly. I deserve to win this game, and I'm going to eventually."

The Nutmeg News spoke to linguistics expert and Whitecaps fan Jordi Ignacio-Barthez about Mr Branch's use of the word anomaly. 

"The word anomaly is traditionally defined as something that deviates from what is standard, normal, or expected," said Mr. Ignacio-Barthez. "Given that the Timbers have been complete shit at scoring for the entire year, I'd say that them not scoring is about as far from an anomaly as you could possibly get."

When The Nutmeg News reporters asked Mr Branch about his Anomaly quote he stated, "Well look, it's gotta be something other than the team. I mean, usually it's keepers standing on their head and referees as well. There's always something to blame other than the team and the way it was put together."

Little Prick On Reddit Claims, "I Showed Up Freddy Adu Because I Could"

INTERNET - A Reddit user by the name of CameranAlavi admitted that while he was an intern with the Philadelphia Union that he was a total prick to Freddy Adu.

Reportedly this user decided that because the offer was given by Mr Adu to play FIFA and Mr Adu talked some brief banter about playing that he would try show him up using his own team against him, then taunt a person he just met 15 minutes after walking into his home who plays for the club that he works for, and then take a picture of the score so that he could brag later to his friends.

The Nutmeg News contacted Freddy Adu about this story and he had the following to say, "I thought it would be cool if I just played a little FIFA with this intern, but he beat me up pretty bad. It was going like you expect FIFA to go, but the little shit decided to take a cell phone picture of his win to gloat afterward and that was too much. Who does that? What normal person is invited into someone's home to play a video game and then uses that opportunity to be a dick. I just wanted to do something nice, create a memory of something good, and this kid who was a club intern decided to use it as a point of gloating over me. This kind of situation is why professional athletes don't like dealing with little pricks like this intern."

Psychologist and FIFA player David Frank had the following to say, "Whether this story is real or not, it shows that the person who told it is a pretty sizable asshole. He either made up the story to claim attention or he actually was invited into someones house, where the person is someone employed by the same place that he works, beat him and then taunted him twice before getting kicked out. The fact that he might have done the act is probably worse than making it up to get attention. Beat him at the game if you want, but a wise person wouldn't use the skill of manipulating pixels better than another man to rub it into the face of someone that they just met twenty minutes ago. FIFA is a frustrating game, and it can get ugly when people are playing, but taunting people that you just met is a good way of pissing them off and making yourself look like a dick."

Union Fans Celebrate Winning Fired CEO Sweepstakes

Philadelphia, PA - Philadelphia Union fans the nation over celebrated the firing of Nick Sakiewicz as he was forced out of his CEO position on Thursday.

#SakIsOut

"So this is what winning on Wednesday would have felt like" said Bob Roberts of Glenolden. "I can't express how I feel. We lost the trophy but we won the war. I'm walking on clouds!"

Union fans have reportedly now almost completely forgotten the pain of the second consecutive US Open Cup Finals loss and now can focus on the fact that their team got rid of at least one part of the reason why their club has been run into the ground.

"I am overjoyed" said Deborah Evans of Ardmore "I've wanted Sak out for some time and now we really get to start over, again. This is a fresh beginning and finally we may have a chance. The fans can see a potential way forward. Of course we still have part of the ownership team in Sugarman but maybe he can hire the right people. I don't know. Either way, I'm still very very excited about all of this."

A fictitious toast to Nick being out!

The Nutmeg News asked Jeremy Sweetwater of Philadelphia what the Son's Of Ben will do with the mock coffin used for the protest against Sakiewicz and he stated, "We will paint it red and ship it over to Chicago for those guys to use. Maybe it will bring them good luck."