OPINION: "Have You Ever Watched A Barcelona Game On Mushrooms With The Audio Synced To The Dark Side Of the Moon, Man?"

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Stormwind Isildur of Raleigh, NC. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Isildurdo not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

"Have you ever watched a Barcelona game on mushrooms with the audio synced to The Dark Side Of The Moon, Man?

Have you? Like, Messi's kicks are made out of pure energy, and the flow of the universe tells us that the ball will roll effortlessly across blades of grass made of undulating cymbals. 

Neymar is like truth bombs descending from Gaya's womb that eats away at the cynicism of the world.

The noise of the crowd is the transformation of gazelles and baying lions crowding around for the death of the man with the ball, and the noise that comes from their mouth is the shutting sound of the dreams of millions, man.

You can also really see the work of a modern trequartista floating between the lines of attack, man, and the impact this has on the fullbacks pushing up the field delivering service. Also, I think that Busquets is pretty solid at times, despite being cynical.

When Roger Waters sings

'New car, caviar, four star daydream,
Think I'll buy me a football team' 

in Money it absolutely lines up with the times that Suarez, Neymar and Messi combine to create in the front line. Like, look at it man, it makes complete sense.

Trust me, bro. You gotta do this and the first time you do, you really gotta take a high dose. Let's just watch some Barcelona and take a trip. I've got some some tea , a vinyl copy of Venus In Furs, and a DVR'd recording of Real Madrid v Barcelona. Lets get wicked."

Emergency Meeting Called As Fire Desperately Try To Figure Out Any Way To Tie Themselves To The Cubs

CHICAGO - Fire executives reportedly called an emergency meeting to see if there is anything else that they can do to tie themselves to the Chicago Cubs with the Cubs the 2016 Major League Baseball Champions.

"We already sent a tweet, what more can we do?!" exclaimed general manager Nelson Rodriguez to a room full of Fire executives and a laminated cut-out of Andrew Hauptman.

"Let's figure out if we can legally run our own Cubs merchandise in some kind of Cubs/Fire mashup, tell the scarf department to whip up a Chicago Cub/Chicago Fire City Of Champions scarf, and then someone .... anyone.... get Joe Maddon to deliver the first ball of the season for us. Tell him we will even split the cost of an Uber ride out to Bridgeview."

Reportedly, the Fire have even gone so far as to see if they can call themselves the Chicago Cubs Fire for next season stating, "It would really tie the communities together."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more Rodriguez states that no one is leaving the room until they come up with 10 more ways they can tie both clubs together.

IT Help Desk Employee Brings Down Company Network After Streaming All 8 UEFA Champions League Games

LOS ANGELES - IT help desk employee Jason Harbottle reportedly brought down the entirety of his companies network after streaming all 8 UEFA Champion's League games on 8 different monitors in the repair room at lunch time.

No one cares about your monitoring queues! ZAGREB!

"What the hell is a København and why is it pushing us above our allotted bandwidth?!" stated IT Security Manager and the only person that updates the company Visio document, Arthur Horton. "Manufacturing can't get to their supply database! We are leaking money because of Dinamo Zagreb?"

Reportedly, Harbottle thought that no one would notice him taking over the flotilla of computer monitors set up to diagnose tech problems on company computers and rigging them up to broadcast each and every game concurrently.

"They still let Reddit through the web monitor, I didn't think they would care!" ranted Harbottle on his twitter feed. "This is some bullshit. It's only lunch, it's not like it's the end of the world. Screw CIO Facetime. This is clearly more important."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after learning that Harbottle quickly setup a private VPN server so that he could bypass the company firewall to connect to bet365 and stream games without getting caught in the future.

Soccer Fan Was Unaware That 99% Of His Soccer Twitter Feed Are Cubs Fans

Madison, WI - Soccer fan Quincy Talari was reportedly unaware that 99% of his soccer Twitter feed are Chicago Cubs fans as he noticed a massive increase of baseball talk creeping into his soccer stratosphere over the past month.

"I'm very certain that a vast majority of you were Red Sox fans a few years ago."

"My brother in law Doug.... he is apparently a Cubs fan. I had no clue. None. I've known Doug for 15 years," stated Talari to his wife Emma. "Even @powerliftandsoccer is apparently a Cubs fan. Every single person on my feed is seemingly a Cubs fan. I have no idea how this happened without me knowing about it."

Talari carefully curated his list of accounts that he follows on Twitter to ensure that he gets quality soccer talk but somehow, despite his best efforts, he has been exposed repeatedly to rampant World Series talk despite the variety of accounts that he follows.

"Even @NYSoccerGuy is apparently a Cubs fan. Instead of breaking down the Arsenal champions league game yesterday he spent most of the day talking about whether the Cubbies could force a game 7. And of all the people, @SoccerWavesInLa is also apparently a Cubs fan. She spent most of last evening live tweeting the game. My god, I didn't really have a clue."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Talari intentionally avoids game 7 in hopes that his timeline will return to normal in 24 hours.

 

Gerald Henderson From Elko, Nevada Nominated For MLS Newcomer Of The Year Award

Elko, NV - The town of Elko is buzzing after local septuagenarian Gerald Henderson was added to the list of prospective winners for Major League Soccer's Newcomer Of The Year award.

What is an offsides?

Henderson, who previously had not shown a single interest in soccer, was sucked into the last two weeks of Major League Soccer when he became bored with the NFL and decided that he wasn't going to get up to change the channel when an MLS game was broadcast on ESPN.

"Why, I never was understanding that soccer thing before, but it passes the time til all of our inevitable deaths," stated Henderson to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "We are all fleeting, ephemeral peoples who are slowly descending into madness and I actually have an appointment for a colonoscopy on Friday so I'm really just hoping that I'll be in shape to watch the playoff games this weekend."

As a coveted demographic of Major League Soccer outside the norm of 22 year old men and women discovering their drinking shoes for the first time, Henderson was nominated for the honor by the front office of Major League Soccer.

"He's the first person over the age of 70 in the state of Nevada to watch an MLS game," stated Mark Abbot, president of Major League Soccer. "For this reason alone he is the newcomer of the year. I hope to see him bringing on more of his friends in the future."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Henderson defeats Ola Kamara and Nicolas Lodeiro to claim his prize.

10 Years Of Soccer From David Albelda To David Villa To David Luiz Leaves Man Unable To Say David Correctly

Charleston, SC - Soccer fan James Smith admitted that 10 years of watching European soccer with players like David Albelda, David Silva, David Luiz and David Villa has left him unable to pronounce the word David as anything but Dah-Vid.

"It's Bahlenthia!"

"My friend David Anderson won't let me forget this is the case. I can't even say HIS name anymore and when I tried to just give him a nickname he wouldn't accept it," stated Mr. Smith to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. 

"This whole thing started with casually watching soccer on the weekend. If I knew what I know now... oh god...I just wish I could say David the right way!"

Our reporter asked Mr Smith who his favorite baseball player is and he stated, "Dahvid Ortiz. You know.. Big Papá"

Smith finished his interview by screaming, "DAH-VID... DAH-VID... DAHVID," before running into the street screaming unintelligible curses and the word "Aluminium".

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Smith just decides that he gets to say Dahvid before it was cool.