Woman Left Behind In Seattle Still Planning On Following World Cup

Seattle, WA - Soccer fan Gloria Wright stated that she was still planning on following the upcoming World Cup despite being the only person among her friends who hasn’t ascended to France for the next month.

“It’s fine. I’m fine. Yes, I’m still planning on watching the World Cup,” stated Ms Wright to The Nutmeg News. “My friends have gone to a better place. They believed. They prayed. They sacrificed. They were chosen for a low interest rate credit card offer. In France they will eat and drink and be merry. Everyone will be dressed in the finest of polyester robes and personalized kits. They who are alive will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet Janice at the top of the Eiffel Tower. I’m fine. Seriously.”

According to herself as she stated it 26 times during our interview, Ms Wright was, “totally fine, seriously. Not jealous at all,” as she cat sit for 3 different friends heading overseas.

“There will be 22 women on the pitch, 11 will be taken and 11 will be left. Praise be to Ertz and Sauerbrunn for they know not what they do, but they do what they do anyway. I’m really going to enjoy the watch party that I’m having with Commander Thundershits.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a penitent Wright prostrates herself before the website of CapitalOne before realizing… oh right…. she definitely couldn’t afford to go.

Man With Too Much Money Buys NPSL Team

Hoover, AL - Reclusive billionaire James Edward Stanfield announced that he was purchasing an NPSL team in an to utilize the net operating losses of Hoover Atletico United SC against his taxes in the future.

“I need a guaranteed financial loss generator,” stated Stanfield to The Nutmeg News. “And nothing is more guaranteed to lose money than lower league American soccer.”

Stanfield reportedly engineered the purchase of Hoover Atletico United SC after sending over a pizza to the shared apartment of former owner Roger McGraw.

According to friends on site at the shared residence, McGraw did a jig and screamed, “Someone wants to buy this? SOLD. SOLD. SOLD. SOLD.”

Publicly, McGraw stated that he would miss the shared development and participation with the community that he treasured and fostered despite the insane debt that he ran up on a total of 3 credit cards and a personal business loan over the past 4 years.

“Thank you for everything, Hoover,” penned McGraw on his way to his new job as a programmer for Amazon.

For his part, Stanfield stated that he planned on heavily investing into the structure of the team as he stated that they would have a new and very costly rebrand of their uniform and badge.

“This process may take YEARS to develop, but I’m very confident that eventually I’ll be able to claim all these losses, soon,” stated Stanfield.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stanfield forgets about this purchase until his accountant asks his assistant about it next year.

Tampa Man Thanks Liverpool FC For Last 2 Years As European Champion Fan Moves Support To Chelsea

Tampa, FL - Tampa man Howard Norman thanked Liverpool FC and their fans for the last two years as the European Champion fan announced his permanent transfer to Chelsea FC in order to follow the career of Christian Pulisic.

“These last few years with Liverpool have been fantastic,” stated Norman in his letter to the fans on his Twitter account. “However, it is time for me to make a move that I feel will be better for my fan career.”

In an interview with himself via a bunch of questions and answers posted to his Facebook page, Norman indicated that he felt like his time with Liverpool was at an end as the team won the Champions League this season.

“It’s been a tough but successful last two years,” stated Norman. “I feel that with the Champions League victory that now is the time for me to really explore my love for Christian Pulisic and all things Pulisic as a blue for 2019/2020. It’s going to be hard to say goodbye to Liverpool so I plan on giving away all of my fan gear on my e-bay page at 5% off if you purchase two items.”

For their part, the Liverpool fans world wide are handling the departure of Norman with great aplomb as they repeatedly asked, “who,” when we interviewed them for this article.

“I’m proud to be a blue this year and I’m proud to be on the Chelsea bandwagon! Up the mighty fightin Pulisics!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Norman is instantaneously an expert on the transfer restrictions that Chelsea has in place.

Team Loses Despite Supporters Best Attempt At Singing All Game

Portland, OR - Despite Timbers supporter Bethany Sharp’s best attempt at singing all game,, the Portland Timbers still lost on Saturday to Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) 3-2.

“I thought that I would have more of an impact on the game,” stated a vocally hoarse Sharp to The Nutmeg News. “Hell, I thought that WE would have more of an impact on the game.”

Sharp stated that she watched as the Timbers gave up two goals in the first half of the game despite her shredding her vocal chords after a season of inactivity.

“I encouraged everyone around me to sing,” stated Sharp. “I spent almost the whole match singing. I waved a flag. I’m not certain there is anything more that I could do. I spent most of the game trying to figure out what else I could do, and I don’t think there’s anything else.”

For comparisons sake, TNN reporters spoke to LAFC fan Sandra Flores who stated that she was ecstatic that her singing all game brought LAFC to victory as she exclaimed, “There was a moment where I was worried, but they clearly heard us and me specifically on the field. If it wasn’t for us, the team would’ve lost..”

For her part, Sharp stated that she would just try to be more vigorous in her flag waving and singing during the next game.

“Clearly we just need to go 1% more in order to get a victory. I might even sacrifice an animal like they used to do in the Old Testament.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sharp places a craigslist ad for a live goat and Flores celebrates the victory by proclaiming on Twitter that, “WE WON IN PORTLAND. AND SHOWED THEM WHAT’S UP”.