Man Discovers The Secret™ To Real Salt Lake Success

Salt Lake City, UT – Real Salt Lake fan Paul Mayhew has begun telling friends and family that he has obtained enlightenment regarding a method to ensure that his team will be victorious this season and bring home the cup. The Nutmeg News was able to meet with Mayhew in his home, thick with Nag Champa incense smoke, to have him present his new found discovery.

"YOU CANNOT UN-RING THE GOAL GONG........ YOU CANNOT UN-RING THE GOAL GONG!"

"I have become enlightened." A silk-bloused clad Mayhew began. "Through the process of exploring the inner-space of my own mind I have discovered the power that I possess that will ensure that my team is successful this year. You see, I have always been a superstitious fan when it comes to soccer and would find myself wearing scarves, socks, and underwear for weeks on end." He paused a moment to tap a miniature replica of the Real Salt Lake goal gong sitting on the floor next to his bean bag chair.

"I then began to think about other forms of impact I could be having. Perhaps watching it from my couch instead of my chair, or even at the local pub cost us the win. I began expanding my own consciousness and mentally examining the possibilities of the quantum entanglement effects between my own personal viewing of the match and the outcome of the game on TV." He again tapped the miniature gong before continuing.

"I became aware that whenever I watched a game, RSL would lose. The times when I happened to miss the game they would win." He then sat back in his chair, wide eyed and slowly wiggling all ten of his fingers at our reporter.

They will win, because I will not see them win and not seeing them win will allow them to win as my mind slips into the ethereal spiral.

"My spirit guide told me that this couldn’t be just a coincidence. I had been reading a lot of Deepak Chopra when I came to my realizations and discovered for myself that our thoughts become things.  These things become goals.  My thoughts become goals, or rather, my thoughts become the absence of goals. So now in order to win I must withdraw my thoughts until after the season has ended."

He then picked up a small wooden mallet from the table and began to run it around the rim of a Tibetan Singing Bowl while performing a Tuvan throat singing rendition of "ifyoubelievethenjuststanduponyourfeet."

After a few minutes he put the mallet down and added, "Much like the double-slit experiment where an observer affects the outcome, I now know that I am that observer. I am the quantum force that uses inner-nano support that changes the match. In this twisted turn of events the Universe now requires me to ignore and unfollow my team at every turn if desire to have them win. I love you RSL, goodbye." He then rang the gong a final time before freezing and staring at our reporter until they left.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mayhew is not missed at any of the matches or local pubs during the 2016 season.

Union Trust Falls Exercise Lead To Holistic Training Seminar

Jacksonville, FL- After experimenting with trust falls as a team building exercise in recent pre-season warmups, the Philadelphia Union announced a new holistic training seminar designed to cleanse the aura and prepare their chi for the upcoming season.

"Is your colon clean, Jeffrey?" - Screenshot via @UnionMarisa

"We felt that we might be bogged down by athletes with a lot of emotional baggage, tightness in their sacrum and a negative aura in the last year," stated Bill Knowles the director of reconditioning for the Union. "It was important for us to really cleanse the body, the mind and the theoretical field of energy that surrounds all of us and binds all of us together as one shared organism."

Reportedly, with the new usage of Reconditioning, the Union will be able to rehabilitate the inner seeing eye, and send their players onto a new spiritual awakening for maximum internal success leading to external club success.

The schedule release for training is as follows:

Monday - Trust Falls, group sharing and workshops on externalizing grief

Tuesday - Aura cleansing, colonics and massage

Wednesday - Day of meditation, fasting and introduction to legal healing herbs

Thursday - Preparation for upcoming weekends drills, cone drill, beep test and showers with a light beating of Eucalyptus leaves.

Friday - Heavy Dosages of Black Ayahuasca, trust circle and expelling demons from the gut by projectile vomiting.

Saturday - Cleansing of negative energy by incense sticks and watching "You, Me and Dupree" for 12 hours.

Sunday - Writing an essay on what "You, Me and Dupree" made them realize in their own game and how that impacts making runs off the ball.

With this new schedule, the Union are hoping that their players are ready for the upcoming season both physically and metaphysically. 

"We are sincerely hoping that these inner workshops will lead us on the path to enlightenment, three points, and the possibility of the playoffs this season," stated Bill Knowles. "Only in the mind of the creator, with whom our divine ether spreads and connects with all humans, we are already in the playoffs as all humanity being connected dictates this."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when trust falls go awry as Ray Gaddis won't catch anyone correctly.

Scumbag Whitecaps Fan Already Fine With Blas Perez Acquisition

Vancouver, BC - Whitecaps fan Robbie Newcombe is reportedly, "Already totally fine" with the Blas Perez acquisition proving what a complete dick he is and showing that he really doesn't care about the Vancouver Whitecaps.

Coming to a BC Place near you!

"I'm a realist," stated Newcombe to his aghast friends. "If Perez can play and score goals, I don't care what his style of play is like."

Newcombe then doubled down on his comments by stating, "I also like the physical play of Kah on the back line, as well," before someone threw a beer can at his head and he was kicked out of his own apartment gathering of fans.

"We, as Whitecaps fans, are predisposed to hate Blas Perez and everything he stands for," stated Don Lennon, friend of Mr Newcombe for five years. "I refuse to accept spending time with Robbie if he goes down the rabbit hole of liking Blas Perez. The Whitecaps have a long history of players like Camilo Sanvezzo as examples of sterling play. There is no honor in Perez, nor in Robbie. If I have to transfer my hatred of Perez to Robbie, so be it. He was always kind of a dick anyway."

42 years of beautiful tradition, from Bob Lenarduzzi to David Oustead...YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I'M LIVIN' IN THE FUCKIN' PAST!

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Perez dives to win a penalty and scores the game winning goal.

MLS Referees Prepare To Look The Other Way For Nigel De Jong

NEW YORK - The collective referees for Major League Soccer stated that they were ready to look the other way on the conduct and play of Nigel De Jong as he was announced as an acquisition today by the LA Galaxy.

THIS IS SIMON BORG AND THAT'S A CLEAN TACKLE

"We plan on managing De Jong's ability to play continuously by looking the other way on his violent conduct," stated MLS Referee Mark Geiger. "We have been handed an edict by the league to be fair, and the only way to be fair is to ignore what he does on a game by game basis."

With De Jong roaming the field now, MLS Referees will be expected be even more consistently inconsistent with their calls. 

Referee Baldomero Toledo stated, "I don't know why everyone talks about De Jong as a physical player. He is a light technician to me. I plan on ensuring that he is protected from the physical beasts in our league like Kekuta Manneh."

Reportedly Don Garber and Mark Abbot have insisted that De Jong be treated as though he doesn't have a problem with losing his head and drop kicking people in the middle of the field as billions around the world watch. "He hasn't earned a reputation and in our eyes is a completely clean player," stated Garber to a collection of reporters at the JFK Airport Sheraton "It would be cruel to treat De Jong as though he is some kind of menace and we welcome the grit he brings as he repeatedly slide tackles our finest technical players from behind on a breakaway."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as De Jong gets suspended in year one.

Philadelphia Union Trade Fan To Seattle Sounders For Targeted Allocation Money

Philadelphia, PA - The Philadelphia Union announced, today, that they traded fan Gareth Sothersby to the Seattle Sounders in exchange for Targeted Allocation Money.

I'm off to Seattle! I appreciate the support given to me by the Union players and wish all my fellow fans the best season. #Blessed

The Union announced the move on Tuesday morning stating, "We appreciate the support that Gareth has given us over the past three seasons and we wish him the best in Seattle. This trade will offer Gareth the ability to really spread his wings and grow in a situation where he will get more time supporting the Sounders."

Sothersby, 26, joins the Sounders ahead of the 2016 season following the 2012 trade to the Union from the Tampa Bay Rowdies, where he spent three seasons, winning two chugging contests for Alpha Tau Omega at the University of Tampa.

“Gareth brings MLS experience and a veteran presence to our supporters group,” Garth Lagerwey, Sounders general manager and president of soccer operations, said in a team statement. "He is a tenacious supporter who has been among the top fanatics in the league in swearing and coming up with bombastic profanity in recent years, and we welcome him to our family.”

The Floridian began his career in his native county before supporting professionally in Miami, Fort Lauderdale, and Tampa featuring for FC Tampa and the Tampa Bay Rowdies in NASL play before making the move to the Union.

Terms of the deal were not disclosed, in accordance with club and league policy. However, Sothersby stated that he is excited to look for a nice place to live on the water in a really trendy neighborhood if his job with Amazon works out.

Fan Of League Spends One Month Tracking MLS Kits At Cracker Barrel

Tuscaloosa, AL - Frank Rast, a fan of Major League Soccer, posted a massive online document detailing his efforts at spending one entire month tracking the MLS kits that he noticed while working the afternoon shift at the Cracker Barrel in Tuscaloosa.

"Hey kids, look... It's where they put out the Pirlo's for sale!"

"I thought that people would be interested in my data collection methods and results after spending a month working the afternoon shift waiting tables and writing down the MLS Kits that I saw when I could actually notice them," stated an excited Rast on Reddit earlier. "It is important to show the penetration of Major League Soccer by examining the number of kit (or jersey) wearing individuals at the main institutions of the South East. That would be Cracker Barrel, Waffle House and Whataburger. I had a discussion about including Milo's on the list, but my friends were convinced that you would never see Yankee, soccer supporting hipsters at Milo's. I think they were just trying to keep the lines from getting longer there."

While Rast posted his document with an exceptionally long winded description of the methodology, the dates, and all the data that he utilized to make his summation, even he admits that he has further steps to take to prove that there is penetration of soccer into the South East portion of the United States.

"Next time, I'm going to do a residency at Busch Gardens in Williamsburg, Virginia to check that area of the country. After that it is on to the Shoney's in Montgomery, Alabama followed by a comprehensive study of national team kits and international squads at the Ponderosa Steakhouse in Lawrenceburg, Tennessee. It's nice to have a plan and I'm planning on showing people, through scientific testing, how much market penetration these teams really have."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr. Rast's attempt at quantifying market penetration by looking at people at restaurants and amusement parks as it happens.

Bernie Sanders Vows To Break Up Big Football

On the day of the Iowa Caucuses, Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders made a public announcement filled with bold promises that he hopes will help to push him to the top.

“For far too long,” Sanders stated, “the rich and elite sports in this country have been robbing the working class sports of their identity and success.  We have these NFL teams with their multi-billionaire owners keeping down the multi-millionaire MLS team owners from ever having a chance to really succeed. This has got to end. I promise to break up Big Football and make sure that these ridiculously escalating salaries going to their players will help to fund new MLS expansion teams and training facilities. It’s time big football paid their share.”

In addition to discussing income inequality, Sanders also discussed renaming the leagues to better reflect the activities being performed.

“The first thing the elite class does in order to control the masses,” Sanders continued, “is to rob them of their identity and name. Big Football has held claim over the name Football long enough.  Less than 1% of NFL players actually put their foot against a ball compared to the 99% of soccer players who do. It’s time for the working class who are out there day after day using their foot to control balls to reclaim their identity. NFL will be renamed to the American Rugby League and Major League Soccer will become Major League Football. Together we can do this.”

Sanders was equally ebullient about utilizing the redistribution of the National Football League tax money to create Single Payer Football stating, "We will offer a direct, community involved, single payer football opportunity to all teams in the United States that will group them all in one league as equal financial partners to split the wealth evenly among all teams."

When asked about his opinion on the Deflategate scandal Sanders stated, “I think we’re all sick and tired of hearing about Tom Brady and his damn deflated balls. We need to stick to the issues and ask why is it he is making upwards of twenty seven million dollars a year while players like Kaka are only bringing home seven million. This is a travesty of American sports and we can do better.”

The Nutmeg News spoke to Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump about Mr Sanders bold plan and he had the following to say, "I am here to squash and deport the immigrant game of soccer while taking back the sport of Football that has been quickly turning into a sport for pussies. Under my watch we will #MakeFootballGreatAgain. I will rescind concussion protocols, tell players to lead with their head, encourage cheap shots, and introduce a 5 minute free-for-all spree in the fourth quarter where players are actively encouraged to entrap and ritualistically sacrifice soccer players to our true gods Charlton Heston and Jesus Christ in the middle of the field for bonus points."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the caucus takes shape via old white people sitting in rooms.

Pre-season Result Crushes Area Woman

Arlington, VA - The recent pre-season result that had Swedish team IF Elfsborg winning over DC United 1-0  reportedly crushed the hopes and dreams of massive DC United fan Carla Olafe over the weekend.

"Benny Ball..... Benny Ball..... Benny Ball"

"She hasn't been able to get out of bed," stated wife Paula Newcombe-Olafe. "Ever since her beloved Black and Red didn't score in the pre-season and lost to Elfsborg she has stayed in bed, only moving to grab something to eat for about an hour on Sunday. It has just been awful."

Reportedly, Mrs. Olafe once had dreams of opening an artistic floral studio that would service the floral needs of the diplomats of the DC area while catering to her usage of whimsy, structural floral detail, and her love of incorporating succulents as a surprise detail in smaller arrangements. She believed in love between countries, true love between caring partners, the beauty of rain and poetry on Wednesdays, the ability of bad movies to be great, the fact that the world can come together in fantastic ways to help humanity, that within the most dangerous person exists a loving and caring person that just needs to be helped to express themselves through the arts, and that dogs are excellent companions for anyone's life.

However, after the 1-0 pre-season loss to IF Elfsborg, Mrs. Olafe reportedly stated, "Fuck that. Fuck Everything. Fuck it all," before collapsing into a large tray of Totino's Pizza rolls that graced the comforter of her bed.

"I'm hoping that Carla will soon be well, because she is starting to get to that, 'maybe you should take a shower stage' of being paralyzed in bed and there are really only so many days she can call in sick before her employers start to get suspicious," stated Mrs. Necombe-Olafe. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this situation as Mrs Olafe mentally prepares for the upcoming game against Jonkoping Sodra FC.

Pep Guardiola To Coach Carolina Railhawks By Phone

Cary, NC - The Carolina Railhawks announced, today, that Pep Guardiola would be acting as a remote coach and training adviser for the 2016 season.

"Wait, What?"

"If Eric Wynalda can manage this way, so can I," stated a thrilled Pep Guardiola over the phone during the announcement from the Railhawks. "I've always wanted to manage a team without having to be there and I'm planning on managing about 4 games during the season this way in-between my Bayern Munich and Manchester City commitments."

Mr. Guardiola indicated that he would be coaching during games as well as running training virtually by Skype. Mr. Guardiola stated that he employs a technology team that has resolved the distance issues by attaching a thin screen TV with a camera to a drone and giving Guardiola the ability to fly it around practice yelling at players.

"This is a new way to manage, a new way to be truly there for all teams." stated Guardiola. "Many teams want my help, but I am unable to be at all places at all times. With this new technology I can manage many teams at one time and truly explore the upper realms of my aesthetic philosophy as it becomes deployed over the folds of the team concept. The usage of drones allows me to control where I am on the practice field as well as taking a smaller drone or Segway into the offices  and locker room so that I can have a virtual presence at all times. I believe that the dressing room is a sacred space devoted to the health and well being of the team at its core level; however I will likely need to fly my drone with a tablet attached into the dressing room to yell at the team to pick it up if they aren't playing well."

When asked if he would prefer to manage in Major League Soccer, Guardiola stated, "I don't believe that I have reached that level yet. While coaching via drone is possible in the NASL, I would need a team of accountants, sports statisticians, MLS cap experts and philosophical playing style aesthetic bargainers to tell me what kind of players I could buy. It is just too complicated."