Deep Cut From Future Islands Doesn't Take Off As Terrace Classic For Crew Fan

Columbus, OH - Columbus Crew fan Charlotte Evans admitted that her attempt to get Seize A Shark, from electropop band Future Islands, utilized as a song for the Columbus Crew failed as she bemoaned the lack of song originality by Crew fans on Twitter.

Will Oliver/We All Want Someone To Shout For

SOME CAPOS NEED MICROPHONES

"It says something about our supporters groups that we can't all get together to sing a deep cut from the original Wave Like Home album," stated Ms. Evans. "It's a modern fucking classic, and everyone should know this electropop band that has elements of hardcore. How do you not know Future Islands?"

Reportedly, Ms. Evans was similarly upset when her attempt at getting Lazerhawk - Overdrive going failed.

"How do you not know LAZERHAWK? My god? Do you folks not listen to music at all? We just do syncopated DO OD OD OD OD ODO DOODODODODOODODODO and some jumping around in the stands. It worked for Seven Nation Army, why can't we do it with Lazerhawk? How the hell do you not know who Lazerhawk are? Next thing you know my fellow Crew supporters are going to tell me that they can't see Com Truise as a modern belter in the Nordecke. Can we at least get a Denzel Curry 'Ultimate' chant going? People know it from that Spongebob meme. CREW IS THE ONE.  DON'T WEIGH A TON. DON'T NEED TO BE NUMBER ONE TO GET RESPECT UP ON THE STREET"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Evans angrily stews in the stands at the capo conspiracy to squelch her excellent song suggestions.

United States Fans Ask For New, NEW Manager To Coach Same Terrible Players

In part two of our continuing saga of, "US fans blame coaches or home field advantage rather than acknowledging that they just don't have world class soccer players because the whole system of soccer in the United States is a for profit entity that systematically excludes developing youth from most parts of society that aren't wealthy and compounds that problem by existing in a atmosphere of athletic run-fast development rather than any nuance or tactical know how," here is our copy-paste revision of our article from 2015.

After the disappointing loss to Costa Rica and the draw to Honduras, fans of the United States Men's Team (because the United States Women won the 2015 World Cup) collectively lost their mind and screamed out for a new coach to help guide the same group of shit players with which all the coaches for the United States since nearly time immemorial have had to deal.

"We need a new coach who can somehow make our Damarcus Beasley and Omar Gonzalez players turn into Arjen Robben and Philipp Lahm," wrote @HowardFreak69USMNT on Twitter.

It's a hard knock life, for me.

"I find it reprehensible that Jozy Altidore is included in this squad when we could have another forward for the United States that will miss simple shots and fire the ball 20 feet over the net. Wondolowski would give us that!" said JesusFreak2020 on Reddit.

"A new manager will allow us to play more like a combination of Chile, Germany and the 70's version of Brazil despite having defense and offense players on the United States roster that would not make it on Greece's 2004 Euro Cup winning roster." said Jeremy Lind on Facebook.

While the US Fans thrashed about online for the answer to an unanswerable question, they decided to blame the entirety of the mess on Bruce Arena, who they were ready to bestow a sainthood upon about 2 months ago.

"It's Arena's fault that we have such a terrible player pool" said MLS Soccer analyst Jeffry Thorgood. "He doesn't understand how to play the poor players that we have against teams that have world class talent playing in Europe's top competitions, or... you know... Honduras."

Professor of Symbology at Cornell of Miami, David Petreus, had the following to say, "I want my cake and I want to eat it. I want Arena out. I want the United States to play extremely entertaining soccer. I want our fringe players to level up like in an Role Playing Game so that they are much better at controlling the ball and playing in pressure situations. I want us to do this now and I want to win the World Cup in 2018. Don't tell me that Mexico is a better team, because that can't possibly be true, because we won some games against them in the last 10 years. IF they were the better team, wouldn't they be beating us now? Exactly."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the wailing and gnashing of teeth continue for a coaching position change that will fix nothing in the grand scheme of life until large scale changes are made behind the scenes.

US Soccer To Shut Down After All Sons And Daughters Of Immigrants To Be Deported

CHICAGO - US Soccer announced that they would be shutting down after an order came in from the White House that all sons and daughters of immigrants, regardless of status, would be deported.

WELCOME TO GLORIOUS NATION OF UNITED STATES, PRESENT YOUR PAPERS TO PLAY STATE GAME OF BASED BALL.

"This federation, this country and this sport literally exists because of immigrants," stated President of the United States Soccer Federation, Sunil Gulati. "My parents immigrated to Connecticut from India when I was five years old.  IT WOULD BE MASSIVELY HYPOCRITICAL FOR OUR ASSOCIATION TO STAY SILENT ON THESE MATTERS."

Sources with the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) stated that they couldn't find a single person involved with US Soccer who wasn't, in some way, the product of immigration both by legal and illegal means as is defined by the country.

"We decided to close the whole thing down. Soccer is socialism, and it is globalism at every level," stated the director of the INS, Jeremy Thatcher. "We find that nearly every single player, every single coach, every single director came from somewhere else either through themselves directly, their parents, their grandparents or their great grandparents. Many of them weren't aware that their parents and grandparents immigrated to the United States illegally. They just accept that since they were born here that this means they are fine. WELL THEY AREN'T AND THEY ARE TAKING OUR JOBS AT RIGHT BACK. So instead of just maliciously targeting Latinos and Mexicans like we usually do, we are just going to go after everyone."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Geoff Cameron personally volunteers to deport anyone ahead of him in the depth chart.

Cleveland Man Takes Blame For United States Loss

Cleveland, OH - Every four years soccer fan David Thorne stated, "We Didn't Play Hard Enough," as he accepted the blame for the lack of energy during the United States loss against Costa Rica in World Cup Qualifying.

"We just couldn't compete. It was tough, it was hard, but we just couldn't compete."

"We were just lackluster all night long," stated Thorne as he admitted the problem with the energy and passion in the team. "When we went up the field, there wasn't any cohesion. I kept screaming at Jozy to pass the ball or take a shot, but he didn't listen to my advice. We just couldn't get it together."

Friends claim that Thorne was merely standing at Merry Arts drinking a beer and shouting at the television in a nearly incoherent manner before crossing his arms and glaring at the television through a rapidly emptying beer for the last 60 minutes.

However, Thorne continued to insist that he was responsible for the United States loss in a wide ranging interview with our reporters. "We just didn't take the advice that Arena gave us, and we didn't feed off the positivity of the crowd. Tim and Geoff and Darlington and Bobby, we just weren't playing well together. I mean, you can't play well if you are nervous and we were nervous. I just wish we would get our shit together."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thorne continues to admit his culpability in the first goal as he states, "we were too wide and I was yelling at Tim about that ALL NIGHT LONG"

US Fan Excited To Sing Two Songs And One Chant For 90 Minutes

Harrison, NJ - US fan Deryk Biloxi admitted that he was very excited to sing the two songs and one chant that all US fans know for 90 minutes tonight as he stated, "It's really great to be yelling about how awesome our country is to everyone again like nothing bad has happened."

WHOAOHAOHAAOHWAOAH WE LOVE YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Biloxi stated that he hoped that the American Outlaws would open up with USA - USA, a chant that he worked on over the past year to perfect the correct intonation and tone. "If we can start with When the Yanks... or maybe even USA - USA that will put me in my comfort zone before we go into We Love Ya. Then when we go back into USA - USA and then back into When the Yanks before heading back into We Love Ya. It's going to be great."

Biloxi then indicated he hoped the US fans would close with We Love Ya before heading into dead air followed by When The Yanks and USA - USA, followed by USA - USA again.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the reconfigured Red Bulls song of Twist And Shout makes Biloxi upset that the MLS club game is intruding on the songs he knows, as a NYCFC fan.