Cabbage Thrown At Steve Bruce Denies Meeting With US Soccer

CHICAGO - According to its agent, the Cabbage thrown at Steve Bruce denied meeting with US Soccer over the vacant United States Men’s coaching position despite pictures of the Cabbage and Earnie Stewart at a Whole Foods.

“Of course it is a very attractive position,” stated the Cabbage to The Nutmeg News. “The United States national team definitely has a young group. You put all our ingredients together and we can make a great cole slaw. However, I must insist that my attention remain with Aston Villa until the end of the season. I would find it highly inappropriate to comment on such rumor mongering. I leave that to the filthy lettuce from Sunderland.”

A U.S. Soccer Federation spokesperson did confirm to The Nutmeg News that Stewart, Chief Soccer Officer Ryan Mooney, and Chief Sport Development Officer Nico Romeijn conducted a conference call last week with the technical sub-committee of the USSF's Board of Directors to speak about cabbage, however they strongly denied it was in reference to the vacant position.

"We are continuing the policy of not commenting on individual candidates during the process,” stated US Soccer in a recent press release.

“However, we can state that the Cabbage thrown at Steve Bruce has a wealth of experience in the English leagues that some candidates for this position, over the years, did not possess. Any team would be lucky to have a cabbage like that as their manager.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Cabbage thrown at Steve Bruce requests technical control over the entirety of US Soccer in order to make sweeping changes to the youth teams.

F.C. Cincinnati Fan Prepares For Major League Soccer By Complaining About Referees And League Structure

Cincinnati, OH - F.C. Cincinnati fan Desmond Taylor admitted that he is preparing for the upcoming 2019 Major League Soccer (MLS) season by complaining about MLS Referees and the league structure in order to get used to doing so six months from now.

“DAMMIT TOLEDO!”

“TED UNKEL IS A JOKE,” screamed Taylor into a mirror as he flipped off the reflection of himself in his one bedroom apartment. “These player acquisition rules make no sense!”

Taylor reportedly started this regiment after trying to figure out how F.C. Cincinnati would attempt to enter the league and sign players in a league where chaos is a viable team acquisition methodology.

“It’s important to get used to the madness in advance,” stated Los Angeles FC fan Simon West. “In preparation for the season I drank copious amounts of booze after 7:00 pm and watched extremely heartbreaking movies. While we haven’t had too many reasons to be sad this season, all my hard work really helped during those tough times.”

For his part, Taylor is already planning on starting a booze, stretching and yoga plan to cope with the toll that the games will take on his body.

“I started a couch to MLS program that really emphasizes slowly upping your tolerance to all this crap,” stated Taylor. “I’m upping my consumption to a quart on/quart off whisky regiment and I’m learning how to scream all the referees names, while working on my hydration skills by overpaying my bartenders for Bud Light. It’s been tough, but it will pay off in the end.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Taylor schedules a road trip to MLS cities in order to pre-plan his drinking route through the city for the time when F.C. Cincinnati lose to an Eastern division team after Hilario Grajeda gives FCC a terrible red card and they give up after 78 minutes.

Sounders Fan Suffers Cold Neck During Morning Commute

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan August Darrow admitted to feeling a, “bit of a chill,” as they attempted to figure out a way to warm their neck during their morning commute.

“I have a peg-board full of scarves, but those are for soccer. What am I supposed to use when my neck is cold?” stated Darrow to their Facebook feed.

Darrow spent the last few months covered in sweat and scarves whilst standing and swaying in the Brougham End cheering on their beloved Sounders. However, the increasingly cool temperatures in the morning lent itself to a different mode of dress that would keep them warm.

“Scarves are for soccer, though,” stated Darrow to good friend and fellow employee Melissa Howard. “I can’t just wear a soccer scarf outside of a game, those are game scarves. I bring them even when it is 90 degrees.”

Ms. Howards advice of, “you know, buy a scarf for cold weather,” was rebuffed by Darrow as they stated, “I have a closet full of scarves, I just don’t have a scarf that I wear to keep my neck warm. Look, I wear my scarves for soccer not for warmth because it’s hardly ever cold when I’m going to games. It’s all just very confusing. I clearly need a scarf for cold weather, but I have too many scarves.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Darrow tries to find an ECS scarf for commuting.

Soccer Supporter Celebrates Successful Agile Scrum With In Office Pyro Display

Orlando, FL - Soccer supporter and software developer Paul Brown celebrated a successful 30 day Agile Scrum with an in office pyro display as the scrum master indicated that Mr. Brown’s core development team successfully finished a cycle by moving from the iteration review to the retrospective ceremony.

Exactly where does expected goals fit into this?

“FUCK YEAH!,” stated Mr. Brown as he pulled on a balaclava he bought from Ultras-tifo.net and popped off two flares he specially purchased in company colors. “LETS GO FUCKING MENTAL!”

Brown was reportedly excited by the slow and patient buildup with the UI development and core product development brought together by his new scrum master Jurgen Petrovich of Germany stating, “This is why we brought in a foreign manager, to push us to new heights! It’s exactly why Klinsmann didn’t get enough time on the job.”

Mr. Petrovich stated, “Without Ultras there is no passion,” before he received a strongly worded email from human resources requesting his presence at a mediation and employee review ad-hoc set up in the company standup room.

“We must always transition between attack and defense in equal measures,” stated Mr. Brown. “I’ve been waiting for this moment all year and I don’t care if the old bill comes down here busting heads, I’m gonna celebrate with the lads!”

Mr Brown then ripped off his shirt and was reported to human resources for requesting his male and female coworkers to go, “FULL TITS OUT FOR THE LADS IN QA.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a new handbook policy is added to address pyro displays in the office.

Brand New Red Bulls Fan Unaware Of Upcoming Postseason Misery

NEW YORK - Brand new Red Bulls fan Thomas Federic is reportedly excited for the upcoming 2018 playoffs as he remains blissfully unaware of the long and luxurious history of postseason misery inflicted upon the fans of the team for the past 23 seasons.

They’ve made the playoffs 19 out of 23 years with nothing to show for it.

“Boy, this is gonna be FUN!,” stated an overly energetic Federic after watching New York dismantle Atlanta United in the regular season. “I can’t wait to watch the team hoist MLS Cup!”

Long time fans say that Federic will need to quickly develop a hard shell-like exterior where the misery of the post season washes over you like so many Caricola own-goals.

“This is why I drink,” stated long time fan John Sampson. “This. Is. Why. I. Drink,” he stated as he looked away from the TV and quelled the rising hope within him with a Dos Equis and a shot of Patron. 

Federic, for his part, remains energetic about the upcoming games as he sees all the future possibilities with none of the baggage of 23 years of futility.

“I can’t wait! Who here is excited for the playoffs!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as grizzled Federic writes a novel length screed about his perpetual disappointment in the team on Metro Fanatic in roughly four years.

"Jay Heaps Job Will Be Evaluated At The End Of The 2018 Season," States Robert Kraft

Foxborough, MA - New England Revolution owner Robert Kraft stated that ex head coach Jay Heaps job, “will be evaluated at the end of the 2018 season,” as he cast doubt on the long term position of the manager that he already fired last year.

“anyone remember the tea men?”

“Jay has done a wonderful job with us,” stated Kraft to two bloggers and a random man holding ice cream cone that looked like a microphone. “And we will take into consideration his entire body of work over the past few years and not just the 2018 season.”

According to insiders, Kraft forgot that he fired Heaps last season and replaced him with Brad Friedel as he continued to praise Heaps for his tenacity.

“It’s been a difficult year, but we haven’t shied away from the challenges. Jay approached the middle of the season like Tom Brady. He really read the coverage and continued to find a way to complete his passes until we were all yelling FIRST DOWN. After all, Jay couldn’t find another wide receiver to compete with Rob Gronkowski. How could he? Rob is not replaceable. Look, if Jay wanted to find the edge against the Colts, then he’s going to start having to look at whether he can continue playing Sony Michel. I mean, another Super Bowl isn’t going to win itself. Anyway, um… woo soccer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft tells his staff to tell Jonathan Kraft to tell his staff to tell Brian Bilello to tell Michael Burns to tell his staff to fire Heaps anyway.