FIFA Waiting To See If United States, Canada And Mexico End Up In Three Nation War Before Awarding World Cup 2026

Zurich, CH - The Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) announced that they would delay any World Cup 2026 announcement until they are able to accurately asess whether the three countries attempting a joint bid for the 2026 World Cup would actually turn on each other and send North America reeling into a continental conflagration in the next few years.

United................... SURE you are.

"We know that World Cup 2026 in North America would be a cash cow," stated Gianni Infantino, president of FIFA. "However, given the current rhetoric and acrimony between President Donald Trump, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and President Enrique Peña Nieto we are waiting to ensure that we don't award the 2026 World Cup to a war ravaged continent on the brink of collapse."

Insiders with the White House indicate that they feel betrayed by FIFA indicating that they recently asked their North American partners to include Russia in the bid, in an effort at expanding the footprint of the World Cup on a global scale.

"We will have the biggest World Cup the world has ever seen if we share the tournament with Moscow," stated one White House insider that The Nutmeg News found out later resigned after it was discovered that he recently ordered 2,000,000,000 used sex dolls for Scott Pruitt at the Environmental Protection Agency.

Officials with Canada and Mexico were reportedly shocked at the whole scenario as they indicated that they weren't certain where all the saber rattling was coming from as they were just trying to get an international soccer tournament inside their own borders.

However, senior Trump officials stated that they were ready to, "bomb the everloving shit out of Ottawa and Guadalajara if they started talking about tariffs and hosting the world cup again." This inflammatory sentiment was not missed by FIFA who reportedly called Monaco in another late night session of planning.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after we find an economist and historian who isn't hiding in their bomb shelter.

Chicago Fire Announce Section Ban As They Have Too Many Fans

CHICAGO - The Chicago Fire announced a section ban for supporters group Sector Latino as they stated that they have entirely too many fans and that they need to reduce overhead.

We have TENS of fans! TENS. 

"We have a long tradition of being supported by the community in Chicago," stated General Manager Nelson Rodriguez. "So it's important that we reduce the number of fans that we have. We have way too many fans in the stands. We need fewer fans.... or is it less.... Anyway, we just have too many fans and we need to reduce that so that we have less than 5,000 people in the stands."

The Fire experienced attendance after their 2016 season where they finished dead fucking last in the league and their 2015 season where they finished dead fucking last in the league and the 2014 season where they finished 15th out of 19 teams. 

Insiders with the team say that their recent history of being absolutely terrible is the primary reason why they decided to ban some of their only remaining passionate fans.

"We realized that if we manage to finish bottom of the league again that we will have a surging attendance again," stated one anonymous source. "We can't have the stadium filling up, that means we have more employees to not pay and we can't afford to not pay the employees that we already have."

Fans state that the only season the Fire were decent, recently, was 2017 and that appears to be more of a mirage as the recent history of the Fire is absolute garbage.

"It's amazing that they think it's ok to ban fans for something that those fans didn't even do," stated Chicago fan Tom Rivers. "But this organization has been a dumpster fire since Hauptman took the team over so it really isn't surprising."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the team considers just banning all fans.

United States Victory Over France Shows That US Soccer Doesn't Need To Change

Lyon, FR - The United States 1-1 victory over France in their World Cup tune-up was, reportedly, a resounding victory for staying the course stated new U.S. Soccer Federation (USSF) President Carlos Cordeiro. 

"This just shows that Sunil Gulati and Thomas Rongen and Bruce Arena were all on the right path towards creating a team that can beat the best," stated Cordeiro in his post victory match quotes.

Insiders with U.S. Soccer state that the monumental victory this close to the 2018 World Cup re-emphasized the work that Bruce Arena did before he gracefully stepped down to let Dave Sarachan take over the reigns.

"We now know that the work that Bruce put in to have this team firing on all cylinders has come to fruition," stated one USSF insider. "Everyone can clearly see that this team is now firing on all cylinders as we defeated France on their own soil. The youth are coming around just as Bruce predicted and not that German guy we don't talk about anymore."

With the future seemingly endlessly bright, fans are starting to show their enthusiasm as World Cup fever struck fans across the United States. 

"We are going to WIN!," stated Dave Willians of Mobile, Alabama."Going to just defeat the crap out of all those other countries. When the hell do the games start?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as some things change, trust us.

L.A. Galaxy Acquire LeBron James

LOS ANGELES - The L.A. Galaxy announced on Saturday morning that they signed 33 year old former Cleveland Cavaliers player LeBron James to a 5 year designated player contract using all their available TAM, GAM and trading away all their international roster spots to DC United.

This blockbuster deal comes after the Galaxy and head coach Sigi Schmid admitted that they weren't getting enough production in the midfield.

"We felt that we needed a better number 10 in the midfield that could control the game," stated Schmid to The Nutmeg News. "LeBron's ability to split the defense with passes and see the court will absolutely extend to the game of soccer and we are happy to have him here until he decides to retire in a year or two."

As far as tactics go, Schmid said he was taking it one game at a time as he expects, "LeBron will just um... go over .... there and um.... do... a pass thing to someone up top. It'll all work out."

Sources close to Mr. James indicate that the former Cavaliers star saw this as a way to extend his career as he indicated, "At least in soccer my team isn't going to let me down...... right?"

Fans were reportedly over the moon about this decision as many of them couldn't believe that they acquired the former NBA Champion.

"This is bullshit, right?" stated Jerry Evans of Silver Lake. "Bron is coming here to retire, just like Zlatan. I am not excited for this crap at all," stated the excited fan.

Sportswriters across the blogosphere were also thrilled as this finally allowed them to write their long held, "what if the best athlete's in the United States played soccer," columns with the first Bleacher Report article titled -- LOOK OUT WORLD! WE GOT NEXT! -- to be published on Sunday morning. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as LeBron attends his first practice and demands more time on the ball.

"I'm Not Disagreeing With You," States Man On Reddit Who Is Disagreeing With You

INTERNET - Reddit user u/DarnItHenry was reportedly told, "I'm not disagreeing with you," by u/MagillaGorilla6969 after the user disagreed with him on his interpretation of the New York Cosmos, promotion/relegation, and the structure of US Soccer on Thursday morning.

"Listen bro, I'm not disagreeing with you, really," stated MagillaGorilla6969 as they laid out a bullet point list of all the places that they disagreed with DarnItHenry. "We agree on what you are talking about, you just aren't understanding what I'm saying."

Reportedly, DarnItHenry got online to check on his daily news, upvote a few pictures of kittens and go about his day before he was pulled into an eternal suckfest conversation on the topic of US Soccer.

"I regret everything," stated DarnItHenry as he attempted to somehow close out the tabs on his browser, forget even engaging in the first place and try to find some kind of inner peace while understanding that he was being eviscerated by an anonymous dickhead in the comments section of a thread read by hundreds of nerds, nationwide

"I'm just saying that you aren't wrong and that I agree with you except for your entire premise," stated MagillaGorilla6969 again as he sent a private message to DarnItHenry that contained 13 separate links from other blogs that tenously supported a position somewhat tangential to his original point.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as 3 years from now MagillaGorilla6969 brings up that time, "when DarnItHenry was so wrong, bro."

Louisville City Avoid Cupset As The USL Champion Advances Over Reserve Side New England Revolution

Louisville, KY - Defending USL Champion Louisville City Football Club knocked reserve side New England Revolution out of the US Open Cup to advance on Tuesday night as fans flocked to Lynn Stadium to watch the local team perform.

Photo: The Enquirer/Kareem Elgazzar)

"It was a tough game, but we showed our quality," stated Louisville City head coach James O'Connor. "We knew that the Revolution would come in with a chip on their shoulder, but we just had to weather the storm and show why we are the defending USL Champion."

With a squad that boasted some former MLS players in Andrew Farrell and Scott Caldwell, the upstart Revolution attempted to take the game to Louisville City and had some success as they forced an own goal early. However the quality from the reigning USL Champions was on full display as they easily closed out the US Open Cup game and sent the Revolution home to lick their wounds.

"It was a tough game, but they are a champion for a reason," stated Revolution head coach, IT director, merchant services director, advertising executive, and team bus driver Brad Friedel. "We put out a lineup we thought could compete with them, but they were just too strong in the end."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Louisville City continues their run through the US Open Cup.

Earnie Stewart Leaves Philadelphia Union For US Soccer After 3 Extraordinarily Successful Seasons

Chester, PA - The Philadelphia Union announced today that sporting director Earnie Stewart will be departing for US Soccer after 3 extraordinarily successful seasons in charge of the Union.

Since his hire in 2015, the Union finished in 6th in 2016 and 8th in 2017 making the playoffs once. They are currently in 7th place in the Eastern Conference with an overall record of 5 wins 6 losses and 3 draws. The highlight of Stewart's reign was a 3-1 loss to Toronto during the 2016 MLS Cup playoffs.

Union fans say that they will miss his player acquisitions as they grew accustomed watching luminaries like Anderson Conceiçao take the league by storm.

"We wish Earnie the best of success," stated Union owner Jay Sugarman. "We only hope that he keeps up the high standards that he had with the Union as he transitions into the international scene."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stewart attempts to acquire MLS International Superstar Landon Donovan from Mexico.

The 2018 World Cup Guide For The Economically Anxious Voter

Soccer is generally thought of as a liberal sport for flouncy suburbanites too effete for football. It’s been insulted by great lawmakers like Jack Kemp and esteemed political theorists like Ann Coulter. Still, conservative, patriotic Americans can surely rally around the play of the US National Teams - er, well, even if they aren’t in the World Cup, America’s great allies are in the tournament and one of them winning the trophy would be just as good as the Stars and Stripes doing it. So put on your MAGA hat and get to know which of America’s friends to support in Russia.

AND ONE MAJOR DISAPPOINTMENT!

Saudi Arabia -

We already have some shared values.

The country fighting a war in Yemen with weapons bought from the USA killing hundreds of thousands of civilians and causing a famine that may end the lives of a million people. Plus they’re rivals with Qatar, the country that stole what was rightfully America’s when they won the right to host the 2022 World Cup. Sure, the Saudi royal family had links to Osama Bin-Laden and helped finance ISIS, but they also supported the US in Iraq and Afghanistan and look at how well that turned out.

Mexico -

Everyone knows that only the United States gets to be all hyper protective and nationalistic about the land they stole from the people that stole it from the other people who were already there.

USMNT fans are extremely secure in one thing as a Soccer Nation, their relationship with Mexico as rivals. As a country that took over half of Mexico’s territory after the Mexican-American War of 1848, it is only natural that USMNT supporters should extend that Manifest Destiny as soccer fans and support Mexico in the World Cup. It is almost as if the USA is in the tournament by proxy. Plus, backing Mexico would enable US fans to support a team that can win more than one game in a World Cup for the first time in 16 years. One Nation, One Team indeed!

England -

We are certain he would get along with those, "Fine people," in Charlottesville, as the President of the United States called them.

A reactionary country isolating itself from the rest of the world that blames foreigners and racial, ethnic, and religious minorities for all of its social problems that is fixated on the number of its citizens who play in its domestic league relative to the number of international players in it? Sign us up! There’s the added benefit of probably being able to locate some long lost relative from the hamlet of Cleeve, Somerset or Godric’s Hollow that will enable Americans to claim an authentic link to the country.

France -

This person would feel right at home at a Cleveland Indians or Washington Redskins game.

Ah yes, France. The country that gave America a navy and financial backing so that they could win independence from Britain all by themselves. France, with its socialism and odd fixation on giving its citizens a good quality of life, seems like a strange country for Americans to support. However, France is a country that should appeal to soccer fans that are new to the sport. While most soccer supporters in the US fashion themselves as liberal pseudo-anarchists what with their flags and cool smoke flares, France offers Americans on the right of the political spectrum a unique opportunity to identify with being able to support a country with a loud and increasingly popular xenophobic segment of the country that proclaims grievances about the diversity of its national team as an indication of something that French culture has lost to its formerly colonized people at the expense of traditional Frenchmen who seem fated to one day suffer at the hands of would be "white-genocide" conspirators.

Iceland -

It's just like a young Republicans convention.

While more of a former ally after the Keflavik air-base closed at the end of the Cold War, Iceland is a model country for many Americans that fantasize about creating an ethnically homogeneous national team while crediting that aspect of the island’s soccer success without understanding the massive public infrastructure and social values around sports that helped Iceland reach the World Cup for the first time. But don’t think about that, just do the viking clap, it’s fun!

Russia -

I 

I BELIEVE

I BELIEVE THE 

I BELIEVE THE TAPE 

I BELIEVE THE TAPE IS REAL!

Say “Здравствуйте” (hello) to the brothers in excessive nationalism, failed invasions of Afghanistan, a deeply ingrained history of racism, and enforced military parades through the capital! How could America not love a country that interferes in elections, assassinates political dissidents, harasses journalists, and invades countries under dubious justifications for human rights and security? An authoritarian ethno-state might be the best fit for any fan looking to support a new national team this summer.

And look, friend, if none of these ideas work for you just remember you can always just watch football, soccer is for cucks.

NPSL Player Now With Better Finances Than NPSL Team

Des Moines, IA - After receiving an offer to work part-time at Hy-Vee Food Stores, NPSL player Luis Lopez can confirm that he now has better finances than the NPSL team for which he plays.

CATCH THE FIRE.... Wait......

Lopez, who plays for local NPSL side the "fighting" Des Moines Caucus, was reportedly giddy at the prospect of financial stability as he stated, "For the first time in a long time I have a net positive cash flow and future earnings potential, Thank god almighty that I'm won't be in debt anymore and I'm not looking to shift money around in order to make payments on my apartment."

Sources with the Caucus indicate that they reached out to Lopez to see if he could help them with a few bills in a partial sponsorship role now that he has some cash to inject into the team.

However, a reluctant Lopez turned the team down stating, "If I wanted to be broke, I'd own an NPSL team. You guys do the work, I do the playing, lets keep it that way."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a $5 bill dropped by Lopez in the locker room allows the Fighting Caucus to keep playing one more year.