James Comey Refuses To Comment On Promotion Relegation

WASHINGTON - Stating, "Holy shit, there's no way I'm answering that question," former Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation James Comey refused to answer pointed questions about promotion/relegation and whether the White House is keeping P&R from being implemented in North American soccer leagues that count to people in the United States because they aren't in Mexico.

I did not have promotional relations with that league.

"Do you or do you not at least acknowledge that the system has some merit," asked Senator Dianne Feinstein to Mr. Comey.

Mr. Comey replied that he would, "be unable to speak about matters without divulging critical elements of national security, and... as well.. I don't... well you know...., like.. you know.. my twitter feed is pretty cool right now, bros, and I don't need to totally blow it up by inviting those dudes who just wont stop talking about P&R all the time."

Mr. Comey then ducked questions about the impact of Promotion and Relegation in Liga MX and whether President Trump asked him to drop his investigation into the merits of a fully tiered soccer league as he stated, "I was asked whether or not I was loyal to the NASL and I told Mr President that I was, in fact, only going to be honest to him. I could not commit to loyalty to the NASL, but I will be honest about my loyalty to the NASL."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Comey invokes "Chat Shit Get Banged" in his defense.

Major League Soccer Lays Framework For Competent Referees By The Year 3030

NEW YORK - Officials with Major League Soccer (MLS) spoke on a conference call, on Monday, to lay out the new framework for having competent referees by the year 3030 as they stated, "one day.... one day....this'll happen."

"Just so you know, I'm going to be completely impartial to the both of you and make stupid decisions not based on partiality but, rather, a lack of skill."

Officials with both the Professional Referee's Organziation (PRO) and the United States Soccer Federation (USSF) joined the call as they detailed a bullet point plan of increasing the level of referees in the nation.

Some of the bullet points given in the conference call were as follows.

#1 Get Better

#2 Get Better Without Needing To Be Paid More Money

#3 More Video Referee's to replace our current referee's that ain't no good

#4 More on field distractions to hide the bad referees

#5 Less pay to the referee's in order for what to make them lift themselves up by bootstraps

The conference call concluded without a QA period.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as PRO and MLS continue on their seemingly quixotic quest to improve the current state of referees.

Red Bull New York Fan Now Hopes To Watch Team Win MLS Cup Before Country Turns Into Despotic Wasteland

NEW YORK - On the day of the announcement of the United States rejecting the Paris Agreement, Red Bull New York fan David Frank admitted that he revised his dream from, "I hope I see Metro win an MLS Cup before I die," to, "I hope I see Metro win an MLS Cup before the United States devolves into a despotic wasteland." 

Image: Adam Adamowicz - Bethesda concept Artist for Fallout 3

Look, even DC won the race to have a picture in here before an apocalyptic New York.

"I don't know, I guess I'm just feeling pessimistic about everything," stated Frank to The Nutmeg News. "However, I just want to see Metro win an MLS Cup before everything goes completely to shit."

Frank stated that he is well aware that his current thoughts are hyperbolic, but as he is only 31 years old, he is fully aware that he has a whole lifetime of watching his country devolve into a despotic wasteland ruled by nomadic bands of warlords who bow before the God-King.

"Oh sure, this is all dumb, but seriously... I can't help but feel we are just a few armed conflagrations away from everything REALLY going to shit, and before that happens, I'd just once... JUST ONCE like to see Metro win the freaking cup, is that too much to ask?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we inform Mr. Frank that it is, in fact, too much to ask.

US Soccer To Dedicate Stairwell In New National Training Facility To Christos FC

CHICAGO - U.S. Soccer, today, announced that it would dedicate a stairwell in the new National Training Facility to Amateur US Open Cup team Christos FC as a nod to the upstart team's 2017 US Open Cup run.

The Christos FC - Amway and Herbalife Memorial Staircase Brought To You By Xango

"Out of respect to the last standing amateur team in the 2017 US Open Cup, we will be naming a stairwell after them in our new multi-million dollar training facility that we are building with our 100 million dollar surplus," stated President of US Soccer Sunil Gulati. 

The Nutmeg News reached out to Christos FC players for comment, however they failed to respond in a timely fashion as they prepared to start on a new GoFundMe and charity drive to raise enough money for the team to pay off their previous travel to Chicago as well as pay for their upcoming travel to Washington D.C. from Baltimore to take on D.C. United.