D.C. United Fans Demand Testimonial Match For International Roster-Spot After Trade Announced To Minnesota United

WASHINGTON - Fans of Major League Soccer (MLS) franchise D.C. United flooded the front office of the team with calls for a testimonial match for their beloved International Roster-Spot (IRS) as the long serving roster mechanism was sent to Minnesota United for $50,000 in General Allocation Money (GAM) and a free transfer of Ole and Lena jokes from Ingebretsen's in Minneapolis.

“The long and storied history of IRS with United demands that the club put on a testimonial match in their honor,” stated United fan (of DC) Ralph Sweetwater. “If you look at the contributions that IRS gave in D.C. then you will know that not only should United stage a testimonial, but at the point that IRS retires from United, then Minnesota should immediately allow IRS to retire as a United Player.”

Customer support representatives indicate that their offices were swamped with calls of love and support for International Roster-Spot as fans made a run on D.C. United kits with the Roster-Spot naming plates before the team removes them from their website.

“We want to see a testimonial match for Roster-Spot,” stated Cynthia Hughes of Richmond. “The fans deserve to fill up Audi Field while pretending that it’s still RFK stadium and honor IRS one last time.”

While some focused on the Testimonial Match, others reportedly worked on having Roster-Spot inducted in to the D.C. United Hall of Tradition that theoretically still exists.

“International Roster Spot worked harder for D.C. United than nearly any other player from the last six seasons,” stated longtime fan Oswaldo Sanchez. “The club needs to recognize them and induct them into the Hall Of Tradition so that Roster-Spot can rightfully join the likes of Jaime Moreno, Eddie Pope, and Jeff Agoos as a true legend of D.C. United.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as D.C. United ignore the wishes of their fans and post that International Roster Spot wasn’t that great anyway.

Rapids Fan Embraces Medieval Diseases For Home Field Advantage

Commerce City, CO - The threat of the plague from flea infested prairie dogs didn’t ruin the Colorado Rapids thrilling 6-3 victory over the Montreal Impact for some fans.

“Look, I have Anthony Hudson’s career, here… just take it.”

— “I’m not dead yet!” —

“YES, YOU ARE.”

Colorado Rapids supporter Anthony Raymond could be heard shouting “maybe we should threaten all our opponents with medieval diseases” to no one in particular, while leaving Dick’s Sporting Goods Park. He continued, “think about it, like, how hard are the Quakes going to play when they have to worry about typhus, leprosy, dysentery, malaria, diphtheria, vapors…. or the POX!”

Raymond seemed to be high spirits while in the stands, despite his failed chant attempts of “bring out <clap clap> your dead <clap clap>” and no one joining him while singing “Ring Around the Rosie”. Raymond also added a line to the 2019 Montreal Impact Season Wikipedia page which read “Cause of Death - The Plague” which he immediately screen shot and sent to all of his friends. He is still waiting for a response. 

The Nutmeg News reached out to Kroenke Sports & Entertainment to verify Raymond’s claims of the team name changing to the “Colorado Black Death” or “Colorado Bubonic” without response.

EDITORS NOTE: Stan Kroenke has still not publicly commented on the name change at the time of publication due to his long standing mandate of having zero clue about anything in his portfolio beyond the jars of pee he is collecting for his inaugural flight on the Spruce Goose.

Stadium Employee Can't Remember The Last Time They Had Flag At Full Mast

Kansas City, KS - Blake Edwards, a stadium employee and groundskeeper for Children’s Mercy Park, stated that he couldn’t remember the last time they had the American flag at full mast as an endless parade of national and international tragedies continues to manifest nearly every week.

“Between the shootings in Dayton, El Paso, Gilroy, South Bend, Highlands Ranch, Chicago, Nashville, Aurora, Brooklyn, Baltimore, Virginia Beach, Christchurch, Poway and the other roughly 237 mass shootings in the United States I can’t remember the last time that we had this thing all the way up.”

Employees say that Edwards used to spend a few minutes every week working to ensure the pulley system and ropes were still in good shape but that he has now given up the practice and is just waiting for 2020.

“It’s not that I think things will change. I know they won’t. I’m just hoping that we can get a window of time where there isn’t a mass shooting, national tragedy or international tragedy where I can verify that this thing gets raised all the way up.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as 35 years from now a retiring Edwards notifies his successor that he can’t remember the last time this thing even moved.

"Plague Infected Prairie Dogs Are Not Even Worst Part Of The Colorado Rapids Season," States Supporter

Littleton, CO - Rapids supporter Doug Williams stated that, “the plague infect prairie dogs are not even the worst part of the Colorado Rapids season,” as he prepared for the Rapids slow assault on the Wooden Spoon.

“Oh sure, I was hoping to actually have some fireworks that might shed even a little joy on another season of shit, but honestly at this point I’m thinking of hanging out with the Prairie Dogs as an alternative to attending the game”

With the Rapids anchored to the bottom of the Western Conference, Williams indicated that there were at least 10 other things that made him angry other than a resurgence of the Black Death.

“20 points from 22 games. TWENTY. Good grief, you know what? Let’s start the Prairie Dogs and I’m betting we’d have more than 20 points.and 12 losses.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams spends most of the game saying, “at least we aren’t Cincinnati".”