CRISIS AT THE BORDER: Whitecaps Fans Stage Mass Migration Caravan To Pacific FC

Blaine, WA - Officials with the United States Border Patrol indicate that they are tracking a massive migration caravan they believe includes women and children as fans of the Vancouver Whitecaps attempt to cross the border of Whitecaps fandom to become fans of Pacific FC in the Canadian Premier League.

By Another Believer - Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0

By Another Believer - Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0

“We are concerned that they are sending children, they are sending women, they are sending men and whole families,” stated one anonymous border patrol official. “If these people begin their migration to Vancouver Island then very soon they may migrate to Blaine to sup upon the very freedom we guard with our loaded and ready M4 Carbine. COME AND GET SOME OF OUR BACK BACON NOW, BOYS..”

Officials with the Border Patrol state that they remain ready to defend the United States against the growing Canadian menace as they see an incursion of Whitecaps fans on to Vancouver Island as an act of aggression against the United States.

“We will protect our borders against all threats, real and imagined,” stated Kevin McAleenan the acting secretary in his capacity as Commissioner of the Customs and Border Protection. “This incursion into our very freedoms that somewhat extend north of the border whenever we decide they do is a direct threat to the growth of the game in Bellingham, Blaine, and any of the other communist wastelands that we protect with the blood of our patriots on guard against smuggled illegal Ibuprofen and Kinder Eggs.”

With Whitecaps fans in open rebellion against the Whitecaps themselves, analysts say that this upheaval could spread to other locations and sports as a burgeoning Canuck Spring grows on Twitter from the disapproving soccer fans.

“We must tear down the statues of Lenarduzzi,” stated @ResistCapsManagement. “Our revolution will be a peaceful one, but it will not stop until all families are united again and actually happy going to games..”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Border Patrol spawns a rogue patriot patrol that prevents soccer fans from crossing over the border unless they swear a blood loyalty oath to Carlos Cordeiro.