Nestlé Announces Major Profits In Michigan And Ohio Salt Industry As Vitriol Between USOC Sides Ramps Up

Vevey, Vaud, Switzerland - International conglomerate Nestlé announced that a move into Michigan and Ohio generated a massive return on investment after copious amounts of salt from FC Cincinnati fans and Detroit City FC fans began to pile up in the area.

12 hours of salt production from DCFC and FCC fans.

12 hours of salt production from DCFC and FCC fans.

"It is in the best interest of our partners to harvest this salt and bring it to market," stated director of strategic objectives, Claude Lamereux. "There is so much salt being created between the two groups of fans that we intend to harvest the salt and sell it at the FCC concessions during the upcoming US Open Cup game."

Insiders with Nestlé indicate that the company already made $2 million off the event by acquiring the salt mining rights back in 2015. In one week, Nestlé is going to go into the black for the quarter.

"We thought we hit it big when we saw Flint not using any of their water so we moved in and grabbed it for next to nothing," stated Nestlé CEO Ulf Mark Schneider. "We had no idea our salt contract in the area was going to explode like this. We're hoping that the Open Cup game gets delayed so we can secure our company's financial stability for the next 10 years. The idea that salt is a human right is a bit extreme, to me."

FC Cincinnati fans were reporetdly aghast that Detroit City FC fans would even get a taste of their salt as they beseiged their front office to limit the amount of salt given to the Detroit fans to 30 grains or less.

"This is OUR salt. Our salt is built for MLS. Our salt is big time," stated FC Cincinnati fan Nate Bowman. "We don't need anyone coming into our city and telling us about their salt. Fuck their salt."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Nestle acquires mineral rights to all the salt generated by the Cascadia derbies and the Hudson River derby, as well.