General Managers Announce Plan To Step Back And Let Coaches Take The Blame This Offseason

General Managers of soccer teams across the nation announced their plan, today, to step back and let coaches take the blame as the Major League Soccer offseason began with a flurry.

“It’s important to differentiate between the poor effort you see every week and the work that I do which is largely misunderstood by the vast amount of fans out there,” stated one General Manager who has been with his team for 10 years. “I think that the next coach we hire this season will understand the players he is taking on from poor ownership, bad trades and terrible contracts over the years.”

Sources say that fans did their part as they immediately took to social media to blame the coach and the players for their poor play and the end of the season.

“The only way out of this is to fire the coach that has been here for 2 years,” stated one fan.

“Frankly I think that our players didn’t perform up to specifications for the 5th year in a row,” stated one fan. “However, I think that the coach has a lot to do with that. We should probably give this general manager who hasn’t won a single thing in his entire lifetime another 5 or 10 years to try to get it together.”

Sources say that supporters groups joined the fray as eliminated groups clamored for the ownership groups to fire the manager and buy new players.

“No one knows anything about what our GM does, and I see our coach trying and failing every week so he needs to go,” stated one Supporters Group member.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the GM of your team sits back for another year of mediocre trades, poor acquisitions and great job security.

FIFA Announces New AI World Cup Ticket Program That Will Cancel Tickets If Purchasers Are Critical Of Charlie Kirk Or President Trump Online

INTERNET - FIFA, the international money laundering organization, announced today that they will be using a new AI World Cup Ticket Program that will cancel tickets to the 2026 World cup if purchasers are found making negative comments about Charlie Kirk or Presidnt Trump online.

“We are doing this in conjunction with an executive order by the White House,” stated FIFA. “This is part of our attempt to ensure that the environment at the 2026 World Cup will be secure and filled with the right kind of people.”

Sources say that the technology will be constantly monitoring any and all social media for any critical comments of Charlie Kirk or President Donald Trump and instantly cancelling the tickets of the user.

“We have a way to ensure that we can tie social media activity to the purchaser of the tickets regardless of online alias,” stated one AI technician. “And if we end up with a few mistakes, well, that’s just the way it goes.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when it happens.

NWSL Commissioner Announces That Her Investigation Into The NWSL Commissioner Shows No Wrongdoing By NWSL Commissioner

Jessica Berman, the current National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) Commissioner, announced today that her investigation into herself showed no wrongdoing by herself as she claimed that she was vindicated for all of her recent actions.

“My investigation into myself shows that I did nothing wrong in threatening fines against the Kansas City Current over heat procedures that put fans and players at risk,” stated Berman. “I think that it shows that I acted correctly and appropriately to threaten to the team to play because of all the money that we might lose.”

Sources say that Berman was incensed that the teams would take into consideration the state of the fans and players as she stated, “WHO WILL CARE ABOUT THE SPONSORS AND THE BROADCAST WINDOW? SCREW THE FANS? WHAT ABOUT THE MONEY1”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Berman blames the liberal media.