Insider Sources Indicate D.C. United Is Tanking For A Chance To Sign Lonzo Ball In The Draft

WASHINGTON - Insider sources from D.C. United, a sometime soccer team, indicate that the Washington D.C. based team is reportedly tanking the 2017 season in an effort to have a chance at signing Lonzo Ball in the upcoming MLS Draft.

Coming to a half finished stadium location near you!

With united sending away theoretical assets like Bobby Boswell and Lamar Neagle for virtually nothing, our reporters reached out to the league for comment.

"That's not how it works," stated league representative Tonya Adams to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "They do know that, right?"

Requests to confirm or deny this information were not returned, however United (of the D.C. varietal) did reach out to The Nutmeg News and ask whether our publication was interested in the services of Bill Hamid and Travis Worra for the rest of the 2017 season.

Efforts to negotiate and secure the services of Bill Hamid as a reporter for The Nutmeg News is ongoing.

New ECS T.I.F.O. Design Will Contain Helpful Tips On Surviving A Nuclear Armageddon

Seattle, WA - Leaked information from within the Emerald City Supporters indicate that an upcoming T.I.F.O. design will contain helpful tips on surviving a nuclear armageddon in the case of either the United States or North Korea or China starting a complete nuclear war that envelops the earth in radioactive debris.

From: http://fallout-gravel-pit.wikia.com/wiki/Royal_Wasteland

According to our source, which will not be named, the T.I.F.O. will contain tips like, "Stock up on non-perishable food," and, "construct a fall out shelter with enough supplies for two weeks,"  as well as sage advice like, "clean water and sex will be a commodity, protect both with a homemade trebuchet," and other details like, "potassium iodide pills are totes sexy," and, "property rights will be a figment in the new world, cities will be death, deathclaws should be avoided."

The display, which is still in the process of construction, will be one of the most ambitious projects the Emerald City Supporters have ever attempted to pull off incorporating a coordinated demonstration that includes gas masks that do nothing, suits made out of Tyvek that do nothing to prevent the horrible creeping spread of radiation that blisters your flesh, and an erotic dance set to You Dropped A Bomb On Me by The Gap Band.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after we finish our drill to duck and cover.

Dress Code And Bottle Service In The NASL As California United Aim To Be A Club

Fullerton, CA - Stating that they will be a club in the truest sense of the word, new NASL team California United announced that they will have a dress code and bottle service at their new location on the Cal State Fullerton campus.

PROMOTION AND RELEGATION FOR THE BATHROOM LINES!

"This isn't just about soccer, this is about a way of life," stated California United brand ambassador and SKYY ULTRA-PREMIUM VODKA representative Jeremy "Bangarang" Torviin.

"We feel like we can really show the United States what being an NASL club is all about, from the DJ's we have spinning top 40 remixes of songs by the Chainsmokers and Major Lazer to the bottle service and Saturday night foam parties. It's gonna be LIT!"

Reportedly, California United will, eventually, play soccer with the focus being on a very sexy and united (tm) party atmosphere the like of which hasn't been seen, according to Mr. Torviin, since Studio 54.

"We are United, we are California, we are a club, we know cliche brand statements! Millenials! UBER! TESLA! APPLE! SNAPCHAT! We will have both MØ, and M.O.! We will have a ladies night happy hour at the stadium and a cover charge to get in. What's not to love! Fullerton! Get your jock ready to have your face melted!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when United rebrand..

Columbus Crew Fan With Customized Ethan Finlay Kit Weeps Silently In Dark Corner As Trade Deadline Approaches

Columbus, OH - Columbus Crew fan @Toddrick33 admitted to weeping silently in a dark corner of his cubicle as trade rumors swirled around Ethan Finlay, the only Crew player that @Toddrick33 deemed worthy of gracing his $150 authentic kit purchase recently.

"Dear god, why did I do that?" muttered @Toddrick33 as he realized that sitting at home was possibly a $150 poor decision that would soon become invalidated. "All I wanted was the kit of my favorite player... is that so bad?"

@Toddrick33 reportedly decided against the advice of fellow fans who warned him of the impermanence of MLS rosters as he boldly decided to get a custom kit of a player not considered a franchise cornerstone.

"I just needed something to update my 2009 Duncan Oughton kit and I thought Finlay was a safe bet. Then I come into the office and find out that he might be traded? Fuck this. I'm not buying a customized kit again."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as @Toddrick33 convinces himself that a Abuchi Obinwa kit would be a really forward thinking purchase for the time when the player starts getting game time with the Crew.

Detroit City Broadcast Turns Into 90 Minute Debate Over Faygo Flavors

Detroit, MI - The last Detroit City FC broadcast of the year turned into a 90 minute debate over the quality and delicious nature of Faygo flavors as a brawl broke out in the announcers booth that spilled into the stands over the purported quality of Rock N Rye versus Red Pop.

ARE YOU READY TO ROOOOOCK N RYE!

Witnesses say that the kerfuffle started shortly after the 5th minute of the NPSL semi-final game between Detroit City Football Club (DCFC) and Midland-Odessa Sockers Football Club when play-by-play commentator Neal Ruhl found out that color analyst John Kreger was secretly not a Rock N Rye fan.

The first clue came from an extended diatribe on the live stream as notated by the transcript from the game, below.

Kreger - "The Detroit back-line is looking a little shaky tonight, but you definitely don't want to shake a can of Redpop Faygo soda as it is such a delicious flavor of Faygo that anything being wasted would be a crime. I think Redpop might be the best flavor that Faygo provides."

Ruhl - "I disagree, wholeheartedly. Their back-line is good but they're just not anticipating the counter attack, nor are they anticipating the underrated flavor in Grape Faygo which I think would be a better alternative to Redpop and a 4-3-3 might be a better alternative to Detroit's 4-4-2. Sometimes the classic formations work best, just like the classic Root Beer Faygo, but we all know that Rock N Rye is best."

Kreger - "If we're going to discuss classics, we're going to have to talk about Moon Mist."

Ruhl - "Moon mist isn't a classic. What, in your opinion, is the Faygo El Clásico flavors? Can you even name them?"

Kreger - "We're not here to discuss Faygo flavors. We're here to announce a Detroit City FC game and enjoy a nice cold Redpop Faygo, which is clearly superior to Moon Mist and anyone who can't acknowledge this doesn't belong in this booth. I'll bet you can't even name players from 2 seasons back and you probably sit at home drinking Peach Faygo."

Ruhl - "No, I can't name players from two seasons back, but I also don't drink Peach Faygo. I drink Rock N Rye, because I'm not a degenerate from Ann Arbor."

Kreger - "Pineapple is better than Rock N Rye."

Fans below the announcing booth claim that they realized something was wrong when, at this point, Kreger was dangled out over the booth with Ruhl screaming, "ADMIT THAT RED POP ISN'T THE BEST AND THIS WILL BE OVER. ADMIT THAT YOU ARE WRONG. ROCK N RYE. ROCK. N. RYE. ARE YOU FROM OHIO?!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Rock N Rye v Redpop debate rages on into 2018.

59 Year Old Soccer Broadcaster Continues To Use Baseball Language

59 year old soccer broadcaster Verne Stewart continues to use Baseball language in the games that he calls as he stated, "he's rounding the bases" while watching a soccer player make a run during his last game.

ANnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Here's David Villa with the swing..... and a miss!

"I call it like I see it," stated Stewart to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "People need a language with which they can connect and I provide the verbal picture of a soccer game to people out there over the age of 50 who need to know what is happening in the game according to the baseball language and cliches they learned as a kid."

Stewart shoehorned in, "swing and a miss," as well as, "going to the bullpen, middle reliever, umpire, and closer," in the recent radio broadcast that he performed.

"I know that I don't understand more than one kind of descriptor," stated new soccer fan Tom Spanner, 62 from Fort Lauderdale. "I've grown to watch commie ball, but they can keep their language. It's a field, not a pitch, and they are wearing uniforms, goddammit. THIS IS MY AMERICA."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Stewart states, "That's a HOME RUN," during a goal call.

"This One Is a Goal," States Fan For 100th Time While Corner Kick Is Taken

Kansas City, KS - Sporting Kansas City fan David Browning reportedly nudged his friend Kip and stated, "This one is a goal," for a record 100th time as a corner kick was taken during the recent home game victory against the Chicago Fire.

Photo: USAToday

"This one is a goal!"

"Dave always does this, every time," stated Kip Pzyrnisky. "I've just learned to tune it out."

According to friends, Browning started this trend when he turned to a random person during a watch party for the SKC game against the New York Red Bulls back in 2013. 

"He said, 'this one is a goal,' and sure enough... Collin headed in that Zusi service. He's been saying it now on nearly every corner ever since," stated friend Amy Sanborn. 

Our reporters spoke to Browning who admitted, "They aren't always a goal, but I feel like they are a goal, so I'm going to keep this thing going."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we discover that Browning yells, "GET IN THE HOLE," while golfing.

Search For "Real Soccer" Leads Fan To Baseball

Tallahassee, FL - An exhaustive search for, "real soccer," lead former soccer fan Geoff Elder to the sport of Baseball as his endless critique of North American soccer finally sucked every last little bit of fun out of the game, entirely.

This is real, ok? Not some overly affectatious soccer team or supporters that try to copy Italian ultras. No, this is two women wearing oversized ring hats, with a nonsensical sign, in a mostly filled ball park surrounded by people who want to do the wave, drink beer, and talk about the upcoming NFL season.

"I looked over and over for real soccer in the United States and Canada with no success," stated Elder to The Nutmeg News.

"I knew I couldn't support Major League Soccer, because that's definitely not real. You can't be friends with anyone cool in soccer if you support an MLS team. Everyone knows you have to hate on MLS all the time, or you lose cool points. I couldn't support the NASL or the USL because those two leagues are both either part of the global USSF/SUM conspiracy against promotion relegation or painfully inadequate, teetering on the brink of insolvency, and filled with delusions of grandeur. I then took to the minor leagues of the United States to look at the NPSL, but honestly supporting an NPSL side is akin to pounding nails into your forehead. Most of the teams are terrible, the soccer is awful, the players are terrible, the game day experience is terrible and suffering through terrible referees on an awful plastic pitch in the middle of nowhere isn't a signification of real soccer."

Elder reportedly tried to follow a few teams across the United States in multiple leagues with limited success as he ranted in a multi-part tweet storm, "None of this is real soccer. None of these teams have been around for 120 years. None of these fans have any history. There's no realness to showing up for a team in a league in the United States and Canada. First you have terrible names back in the 70s, and then the teams followed that by appropriating naming like European teams. Both options are terrible. Everything is terrible. The San Jose Earthquakes are just as bad as San Jose FC, which would be just as bad as AC San Jose or San Jose United Clash FC. There is nothing real about soccer at any level in any league anywhere in the United States."

According to insider sources, Elder even gave the Canadian Premier League a try, but noticed that it doesn't even exist yet.

"Finally I just caved and went back to baseball where the tradition is real, and I can sit around without having to worry about the fact that I'm missing out on a real soccer club that is getting hammered with overripe contracts as it plummets in a free-fall down the soccer pyramid until it is bailed out by a multi-billionaire with shady military arms contracts in somewhere like Cambodia or Laos or Thailand. Real Soccer is defined by the ability to have multi-generational despair over a club as it fails, repeatedly, over the course of your entire life only to have brief moments of happiness as it chases promotion to a sub-par league before it fails under the weight of bad acquisitions that will doom it for another 5 to 10 years. Baseball doesn't have franchises, or weird salary mechanisms, or promotion/relegation worries. I can just sit back and enjoy the crack of the bat, the smell of the popcorn and the fact that I don't have to worry about there being a better league."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Elder just randomly picks the Yankees to support.