Santa Rosa, CA - Exhausted after 20 years of trying to appease their season ticket holders, public relations executives for FC Santa Rosa Atletico United SC reportedly reduced their previous attempts at wooing renewals from a bombastic event to a simple postcard that reads, “Hey, Shitlord. Are you renewing or not? Give us your money.”
“We love our fans, but honestly we are just tired. At this point they know that we just need their money and we are really tired of asking for it every single year,” stated the manager of season ticket renewals Dale Henderson.
Fans of the club state that the appreciation gifts and renewal packages increasingly became more and more sparse as they transitioned from a full presentation, gift and team interaction situation into a postcard with three sentences on it.
“I remember when they showed up at my door with our captain and midfielder Connar McCavin to surprise me for a viral video and gave me a mahogany inlaid box with a piece of a kit from the inaugural season,” stated 20 year season ticket holder Paul Gutierrez. “These days the only benefit I got was that they wrote the postcard to me by hand due to the longevity of my season ticket renewals.”
Not all fans disagreed with the new attempt to force renewals as front office fanboy Derrick Foley indicated his agreement with the technique.
“I’d rather they spend the money on the field than on myself,” stated Foley to The Nutmeg News. “They could step on my junk and call me Stephen as long as they buy a new fullback for next season.”
This statement, however, clashed with that of the team as one insider stated, “They aren’t spending that money on the field either. They just didn’t want to spend it on the fans. This team needs to turn a profit somehow.”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the renewal notification next season is just a bag of Elephant Feces with a note stapled to it that says, “tickets?”