This Poser Dad Admits He Wouldn't Strap Pyrotechnics To His Four Year Old

LAMESVILLE, USA - Friends and family were shocked when supposed soccer fan Dave Engle betrayed the scene by stating that he wouldn’t strap pyrotechnics to his four year old in order to have smoke and flares at his local soccer games.

WHAT A DICK

WHAT A DICK

“No. No. Absolutely not! I don’t think that’s appropriate parenting or safe behavior at all,” stated the big, giant poser.

Engle was having a conversation about South American soccer with his friends Victor Martinez and Paul Anderson when Martinez showed him the utter dedication of a River Plate ultra who strapped what appeared to be flares to her young child.

Martinez and good friend Paul Anderson were reportedly shocked to find that Engle would betray the burgeoning local casuals and ultras scene by ensuring the safety of his young son by not strapping flares to him.

“HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF AN ULTRA,” stated Anderson in disgust. “This is why you wouldn’t wear Stone Island. ISN’T IT?”

However, despite all the persuasion and the fact that surreptitiously strapping incendiary devices to his four year old would just make him totally cool, Mr Engle would not be swayed as he continued his attempt at being a decent parent and a complete fraud.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Engle debates whether he is now too old for this shit.