Merritt Paulson Quits Twitter For Record 63rd Time

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers owner Merritt Paulson announced that he was leaving the social media platform Twitter for the 63rd time as he bid adieu to Twitter, deleted the app, re-installed the program, and then deleted the original quitting notification, then re-posted it again, deleted the app, and thought about re-installing it before getting an email about off-season player acquisition strategies.


“This puts Paulson in rarefied air,” stated Twitter statistician Boris Gudjonson. “While we have experience a variety of Twitter celebrities leaving and coming back over the years, Paulson’s frequent departures put him up there with unverified Twitter user Jeremiah @BongHitsForJesus Smith of Oklahoma who left the program 64 times over the past year due to rage quitting after reading Donald Trump tweets.

Fans state that they are shocked Paulson is leaving as this is the first time that he has ever even remotely threatened anything like this.

“How will I cope if I cannot read the words,” stated Timbers fan Paul Sanchez. “Where will I get my information that I pass off as insider information to my friends? How will this all work out?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Paulson returns and then quits again before anyone actually knows that he was even back on the platform.