Zurich, CH - Sepp Blatter has announced that he will pardon Sepp Blatter of all crimes that he may or may not have committed in the past few years as part of FIFA's Spirit of Christmas promotion.
Mr Blatter stated, "While I have been a bad boy, I've also been a good boy. As my dominatrix knows, despite the protestations you can always go back for more when someone starts paying attention elsewhere. Everyone loves a good weasel so I've decided to ban myself and then pardon myself and then award myself a massive bonus for being a giant stretched scrotum for the holidays."
FIFA had this conference at the international furrier exposition where Blatter and Michel Platini were picking out multi colored full length fur coats made from cats and dogs. "Michel and I don't even care anymore, we are going full evil. We bought these furs with money we made off gambling on the human cock fights they hold in Qatar."
The Nutmeg News will have more when Mr Blatter bans himself and then re-instates himself again after the holidays.