FIFA Announces President Trump As 2025 Club World Cup Champion

FIFA (the international criminal and money laundering organization) announced, today, that it awarded United States President Donald Trump the official 2025 Club World Cup Champion.

“Glorious leader President Trump defeated the merciless communist team from Paris,” stated the communique sent out to the press. "All hail the achievements of the President.”

Sources say that President Trump had the Club World Cup trophy taken to the White House to be used as a McFlurry Fountain for an upcoming state dinner.

“President Trump scored 6 goals and gave up none against PSG,” stated the official communication. “He was awarded the Golden Ball and the Golden Shoe. He also won the Gold Cup and will get a bye in the first round of the World Cup.”

The Nutmeg News hails the exploits of the Glorious Leader.

President Trump Announces 30% Tariff On Cascadia

WASHINGTON - Speaking with journalists at a $500 a ticket press conference, President Donald Trump announced that the Cascadia bio-region would be hit with a 30% tariff.

“The numbers are very bad, very bad,” stated President Trump. “You will see them later. They rob us. It’s disgusting. There’s still room for a deal. They will make a deal or we will raise tariffs again.”

Sources say that President Trump was told that this is actually already a part of the United States and this just furthered his resolve.

“All they do is take, they take and they take. It’s time for Cascadia to pay their fair share,” stated President Trump into the face of a bored bathroom attendant. “If they want American trucks and American goods, they will pay.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the administration announces that Cascadia may need a regime change.

Journalists Baffled Why Game With Expensive Tickets Scheduled On Tuesday At 3PM After 3 Day Holiday Weekend Between Two Non Local Clubs For A Non-Prestigious Trophy Isn't Sold Out

INTERNET - Journalists across sports were, reportedly, baffled why a game with expensive tickets scheduled on a Tuesday at 3pm after a 3 day holiday weekend between two non-local clubs for a non-prestigious trophy isn’t sold out as they posted pictures to social media.

“It doesn’t look good,” stated the journalist who didn’t have to pay for their ticket or take time off work to be at the game. ”It’s really not a great sign of the standing of the sport in this country.”

Sources say that the amount of people who actually did show up at 3 PM on a Tuesday is actually pretty amazing when you factor in that virtually no one in the United States actually gives a flying shit about the club world cup.

“It’s a testament to how these brands have built their fanbases that this stadium isn’t completely empty,” stated one researcher. “Frankly I’m disappointed there are this many people here in the first place.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as soccer journalists write another think piece about what this means for the World Cup.

Ebullient Alexi Lalas Screams At AI Chat Bot To Find Ethnicity And Birthplace Of Starting USMNT Lineup In Order To Figure Out Who To Criticize

INTERNET - An ebullient and ecstatic Alexi Lalas reportedly screamed at the microphone prompt of an AI chat bot to find the ethnicity and birthplace of the USMNT starting lineup in order to figure out exactly who he would blame for their loss to Mexico.

“I NEED CONTENT,” stated Lalas into an AI chatbot. “TELL ME THE COUNTRY OF ORIGIN AND GENETIC MAKEUP OF THESE BUMS.”

Sources say that Lalas reportedly took to his social media accounts to schedule a, “What are we all angry about today,” post for tomorrow before attempting to soft pedal a birther conspiracy about United States players to his followers.

“You just can’t trust people who don’t understand what it means to be American,” stated the former shit defender and even worse general manager.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.