Journalists Baffled Why Game With Expensive Tickets Scheduled On Tuesday At 3PM After 3 Day Holiday Weekend Between Two Non Local Clubs For A Non-Prestigious Trophy Isn't Sold Out

INTERNET - Journalists across sports were, reportedly, baffled why a game with expensive tickets scheduled on a Tuesday at 3pm after a 3 day holiday weekend between two non-local clubs for a non-prestigious trophy isn’t sold out as they posted pictures to social media.

“It doesn’t look good,” stated the journalist who didn’t have to pay for their ticket or take time off work to be at the game. ”It’s really not a great sign of the standing of the sport in this country.”

Sources say that the amount of people who actually did show up at 3 PM on a Tuesday is actually pretty amazing when you factor in that virtually no one in the United States actually gives a flying shit about the club world cup.

“It’s a testament to how these brands have built their fanbases that this stadium isn’t completely empty,” stated one researcher. “Frankly I’m disappointed there are this many people here in the first place.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as soccer journalists write another think piece about what this means for the World Cup.

Ebullient Alexi Lalas Screams At AI Chat Bot To Find Ethnicity And Birthplace Of Starting USMNT Lineup In Order To Figure Out Who To Criticize

INTERNET - An ebullient and ecstatic Alexi Lalas reportedly screamed at the microphone prompt of an AI chat bot to find the ethnicity and birthplace of the USMNT starting lineup in order to figure out exactly who he would blame for their loss to Mexico.

“I NEED CONTENT,” stated Lalas into an AI chatbot. “TELL ME THE COUNTRY OF ORIGIN AND GENETIC MAKEUP OF THESE BUMS.”

Sources say that Lalas reportedly took to his social media accounts to schedule a, “What are we all angry about today,” post for tomorrow before attempting to soft pedal a birther conspiracy about United States players to his followers.

“You just can’t trust people who don’t understand what it means to be American,” stated the former shit defender and even worse general manager.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

Drone Crashes USMNT Camp As Alexi Lalas Attempts To Spy On, "DEI Hires Who Aren't Playing Hard For The Flag"

ST. LOUIS - Witnesses say that a drone piloted by former soccer pundit and current, “THE KIDS ARE TOO DIVERSE,” grumpy idiot Alexi Lalas crashed the recent USMNT Gold Cup practice as the former mediocre defenseman attempted to spy on, “DEI hires who aren’t playing hard for the flag.”

Sources with the USMNT say that they noticed the drone was hovering over the field of play blasting Lee Greenwoods “God Bless The USA”.

“We tracked the drone operation to a furtive Alexi Lalas,” stated one USMNT staff member.

According to insiders, Lalas was in the process of using the drone speaker to ask players for their citizenship papers and genealogy records.

“He kept blasting out questions like whether the players felt bad for denying native born sons the chance to play for the team,” stated one insider. “The thing that I find weird is that he only seemed to be doing this to certain players who look certain way.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lalas says and does more incredibly, profoundly stupid things that completely destroy any remaining legacy that he had left.

ICE Farm Team Successfully Hogties And Assaults Soccer Fans At Chicago Fire MLS Game

CHICAGO - The Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) farm team in Chicago successfully hogtied and assaulted fans at a recent Chicago Fire Major League Soccer (MLS) game as the security officials were excited for the possibility of a promotion up to the big leagues.

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“I think we showed that we can beat people up and abduct them at a major league level,” stated one Monterrey Security Official. “We are excited for the possibility of beating up and abducting people in the streets and the stands.”

Sources say that the promotion of members of the Monterrey Security Team is not guaranteed as, reportedly, they broke opsec rules by discussing how to gin up charges against the fans they assaulted in front of other fans.

“Monterrey needs to know that first you beat up, punch, hogtie fans…. THEN you assault people filming the arrest and THEN you remove them from the area and retreat to a secure area to talk about what you are going to charge them with. This was clearly a rookie mistake,” stated one ICE security staff member.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Monterrey starts threatening to send Fire fans to Guantanamo Bay.