ICE Farm Team Successfully Hogties And Assaults Soccer Fans At Chicago Fire MLS Game

CHICAGO - The Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) farm team in Chicago successfully hogtied and assaulted fans at a recent Chicago Fire Major League Soccer (MLS) game as the security officials were excited for the possibility of a promotion up to the big leagues.

If you need to have fans beaten into submission! CALL TODAY

“I think we showed that we can beat people up and abduct them at a major league level,” stated one Monterrey Security Official. “We are excited for the possibility of beating up and abducting people in the streets and the stands.”

Sources say that the promotion of members of the Monterrey Security Team is not guaranteed as, reportedly, they broke opsec rules by discussing how to gin up charges against the fans they assaulted in front of other fans.

“Monterrey needs to know that first you beat up, punch, hogtie fans…. THEN you assault people filming the arrest and THEN you remove them from the area and retreat to a secure area to talk about what you are going to charge them with. This was clearly a rookie mistake,” stated one ICE security staff member.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Monterrey starts threatening to send Fire fans to Guantanamo Bay.

President Trump Offers Juventus Team The Option To Abduct And Imprison Any Democrat Senator They Want

WASHINGTON - During a visit to the White House with President Donald Trump, players from Juventus were reportedly given the option to abduct and imprison any Democrat Senator they wanted.

“It’s a good time,” stated the President Of The United States. “Almost as good as bombing Iran. But not like men dressing as women dressing as men dressing as women in sport and the price of eggs going down to 30 kopeks a whistle”

Sources say that the Juventus team were given a full tour of the White House and the offer to abduct and imprison any Democrat Senator was offered to them by the President himself at the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office.

“First he said we could flip a coin and decide if someone lived or died,” stated one anonymous player. “Then he said that we could just ask to have anyone on the left thrown in jail. It was wild.”

For his part, President Trump decried the rumor as, “fear mongering by desperate leftists communists who are trying to implement sharia law in autoparts stores and make all Americans vegan transgender activists.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gio Reyna asks if the offer still stands for non Juventus players.

German World Cup Team Prepares For United States Games By Training For Tear Gas Exposure

GERMANY - The German Men’s World Cup Team is reportedly preparing for games in the United States by training for tear gas exposure and police violence as their coaches put together a plan to ensure that they won’t be surprised.

“We saw the recent video of football being played in gas during a game in Washington,” stated one German insider. “It seems prudent for our players to understand how to play through the exposure to these every day American things.”

Sources say that the team has imported American police officers and ICE goon squads to randomly launch tear gas cannisters and less-lethal munitions at players as they try to play out of the back.

“We actually had to ask them to hold back at the beginning as the people we brought in from the United States gleefully and repeatedly launched gas at our players and lined them up for shots from their non-lethal munitions,” stated our insider. “It was important for us to step into this little by little, but nothing we did calmed down the people we brought in. Unfortunately, some of our youth team were detained for not presenting paperwork and disturbing the peace as they practiced a rondo on the sidelines. We are still working to free them from a prison in Dallas.”

The Nutmeg News has more on this as this happens.

God Admits He Can't Focus On Helping Poor, Destitute, And Immigrant Communities Until He Finishes Coordinating 2026 World Cup Prayers By USMNT Fans

LOS ANGELES - God, the almighty American business god, admitted that he can’t focus on helping the poor, destitute and immigrant communities in the world until he finishes coordinating his response to the multitude of prayers regarding the 2026 World Cup by USMNT (United States Men’s National Team) fans.

“I was going to intervene in the campaign of terror against people who have been praying to me since they were born,” stated God in an exclusive interview. “However, I’m still busy with the prayers of Steve Bixby from Raleigh, North Carolina who prayed for a winning lottery ticket, a new Harley Davidson, and the USMNT to not embarrass themselves in the 2026 World Cup.”

Sources say that the amount of prayers by USMNT fans over the past year have increased to the point where God, the almighty, is unable to keep up with the demand.

“Ok, sure, yes, I’d love to be helping out the Gutierrez family with their needs as they are forcibly abducted off the streets of Los Angeles…….. But I really need to address this prayer by Steve Henderson to have Pulisic be healthy and interested in the team again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the God logjam continues in perpetuity.

American Outlaws Announce Partnership With ICE To Ensure 2026 World Cup Supporters Section Is For Americans Only

NEBRASKA - The United States Men’s Soccer Team (USMNT) supporters group American Outlaws announced a partnership with Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) to ensure that their 2026 World Cup supporters section would be for Americans only.

“We are working in conjunction with Washington D.C. to ensure that only Americans support the USMNT,” stated one AO bro in a “back to back world war champs” t-shirt, American flag shorts and a ben franklin hat with thin blue line patch. “This world cup is about American values and American soccer. What better way to support the boys on the field than making certain that we keep out the dangerous elements and immigrants in our supporters section.”

Sources say that ICE will have a presence in the stands and the concourse to enforce English only mandates as AO leadership stated, “This isn’t about Politics. This is about complying with the mandates from Washington. We aren’t about politics. American Outlaws, ICE and DOGE ain’t nothing to fuck with!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when it happens.

LAFC Coach Steve Cherundolo Announces Plan To Chase American Dream Of Leaving Country

LOS ANGELES - Los Angeles Football Club head coach Steve Cherundolo announced, today, that he would be leaving the Major League Soccer (MLS) side to chase the American dream of leaving the country.

By Jeollo von http://www.vfb-exklusiv.de - Own work, CC BY 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=66041225

“I am in the position to do it and frankly it’s been a long time coming,” stated Cherundolo to club officials, allegeldy.

Sources say that 8 in 10 Americans have the dream of living somewhere else, but find themselves unable to do so because of finances, citizenship status or current situation. This information, reportedly, was one of the driving factors for Cherundolo to head back to Germany.

“I don’t think that anyone out there would fault me for taking my family back to Germany at this time in history,” stated Cherundolo to The Nutmeg News. “I will miss the fans tremendously but …. c’mon… just look around.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as you look up your ancestry only to find out that you don’t have a path to living in Tuscany next year no matter what you keep saying.

Joey Saputo Threatens Remaining Montreal Fans With Paying Attention To Team Again

MONTREAL - Owner/Operator of the Club de Foot Montréal, Joey Saputo, threatened the remaining Montreal fans who care about the team with paying attention to the team again.

ALL SEEING, ALL KNOWING

“Just wait, I’ll change the name of the team again and fire a few more head coaches,” stated Saputo to the fans who have, despite all his incompetent meddling, stuck with the team over the years.

Sources say that Saputo realized there was more to be squeezed out of the MLS side as he hadn’t been paying full attention for the past few seasons.

“I think we could fire 3 or 4 coaches a SEASON,” stated Saputo to The Nutmeg News. “I think we could put grazing Bison in the field of play during the game as an extra challenge, have the bell play as goalkeeper and have a fan ride an center back for a halftime competition. I think we could change the name to the Montreal Maple Leafs. All things are on the table.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Saputo turns his eye upon the lands of Quebec.

Sporting Kansas City Approach Newly Available Peter Vermes For Head Coach Position

Kansas City, KS - Major League Soccer (MLS) side Sporting Kansas City are reportedly in contact with newly available coach Peter Vermes for their head coaching position as the MLS club looked to bring on a stable hand to guide their side for the future.

“We are not ready to talk about our hires,” stated Sporting public relations manager Andrea Philips. “However, we would, of course, be excited by bringing in someone with Peter’s pedigree. It’s not every day that a coach with multiple years within the league and trophies becomes available.”

Sources say that SKC feel that Vermes can bring his no nonsense style to the team and fill the empty head coaching position that was recently vacated by Vermes.

“Only Vermes can fix Vermes,” stated one SKC insider. “If it’s a problem that Vermes created, we believe that by firing and then hiring him we can bring Vermes back to fix the Vermes problem”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Vermes promises that the team will have accountability under his new regime.

United States Fans Ask For New, NEW, N.E.W, NeW Manager To Coach Same Terrible Players

In part four of our continuing saga of, "US fans blame coaches or home field advantage rather than acknowledging that they just don't have world class soccer players," here is our copy-paste revision of our article from 2019, our article from 2017 and our article from 2015.

After the disappointing loss to Mexico, fans of the United States Men's Team (because the United States Women won the 2015 and the 2019 World Cup) collectively lost their mind and screamed out for a new coach to help guide the same group of shit players with which all the coaches for the United States since nearly time immemorial have had to deal.

"We need a new coach who can somehow make our INSERT PLAYER HERE and INSERT PLAYER HERE players turn into Arjen Robben and Philipp Lahm," wrote @HowardFreak69USMNT on BlueSky.

I find it reprehensible that INSERT PLAYER HERE is included in this squad when we could have another forward for the United States that will miss simple shots and fire the ball 20 feet over the net. Altidore would give us that!" said JesusFreak2020 on Reddit.

"A new manager will allow us to play more like a combination of Chile, Germany and the 70's version of Brazil despite having defense and offense players on the United States roster that would not make it on Greece's 2004 Euro Cup winning roster." said Jeremy Lind on Facebook.

While the US Fans thrashed about online for the answer to an unanswerable question, they decided to blame the entirety of the mess on Mauricio Pochettino, who they were ready to bestow a sainthood upon about 2 months ago.

"It's Klinsmann/Arena/Berhalter/Pochettino fault that we have such a terrible player pool" said MLS Soccer analyst Jeffry Thorgood. "He doesn't understand how to play the poor players that we have against teams that have world class talent playing in Europe's top competitions, or... you know... Honduras."

Professor of Symbology at Cornell of Miami, David Petreus, had the following to say, "I want my cake and I want to eat it. I want Pochettino out. I want the United States to play extremely entertaining soccer. I want our fringe players to level up like in an Role Playing Game so that they are much better at controlling the ball and playing in pressure situations. I want us to do this now and I want to win the World Cup in 2018. Don't tell me that Mexico is a better team, because that can't possibly be true, because we won some games against them in the last 10 years. IF they were the better team, wouldn't they be beating us now? Exactly."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the wailing and gnashing of teeth continue for a coaching position change that will fix nothing in the grand scheme of life until large scale changes are made behind the scenes.

Mauricio Pochettino Insists The USMNT Must Spend To Compete

INTERNET - United States Men’s National Team coach Mauricio Pochettino insists that the USMNT needs to spend in order to compete in the Nations League and the upcoming World Cup.

The USMNT are yet to bring in any signings this spring after automatically qualifying for the 2026 World Cup, but Pochettino tried to bring up Matko Miljevic in an effort to develop from within.

“We are going to find ourselves falling further behind the Panamas, Englands and Arsenals if we are unable to have the transfer spend to compete with the best teams in the world,” stated Pochettino.

"How have Manchester City, Liverpool, Chelsea and different clubs tried to improve their season?" Pochettino said. "Bringing players and trying to put more pressure on their star players, their key players - and for us we need to do that too.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pochettino claims that the USMNT can still make the champions league.

"Week 4 Is When The Season REALLY Starts," States Sporting Kansas City Fan

Kansas City, KS - Perpetually optimistic Sporting Kansas City fan John Weston stated, “Week 4 is when the season REALLY starts,” before making a case for Kansas City lifting MLS Cup to his 3 Substack subscribers.

Weston stayed optimistic despite Kansas City having 0 points through 3 games.

“It’s going to all come around,” stated Weston. “The team has scored 2 goals! Vermes can get this around. Trust the process. The early season doesn’t matter. We will be fine.”

For his part, Weston chided other fans who increasingly want to see change with the team as he stated, “you gotta support the team, that’s what a supporters group does. We support the team, not tear the team down. We are one winning streak away from being in first place.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this in another week.

NISA Unsanctioned Season To Feature Tables, Ladders and Chairs

INTERNET - The National Independent Soccer Association (NISA) announced that their upcoming unsanctioned season would feature Tables, Ladders and Chairs with the end being by pinfall or submission.

“We are hoping to bring an exciting new development to soccer in North America,” stated NISA Hardcore Director Billy “Badass” Gunn. “We are hoping that fans will enjoy all the new possibilities that can happen with the NISA storyline.”

Sources say that the season will finish with an no-holds-barred rumble-in-the-Phoenix-Carpark that will include a barb wired goal mouth and a title belt suspended above the field that teams will be required to build a human pyramid to reach.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US Soccer Federation attempts to hold back players from joining NISA, but only a little, and then they let them go when the music for The Rock hits.

United States Government Unveils New Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp Expansion For Any Lawbreaking 2026 FIFA World Cup Fans

WASHINGTON - At the press conference following the State Of The Union speech, representatives of the United States government including President Trump unveiled a new Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp Expansion for any lawbreaking FIFA World Cup fans.

“We were concerned that we wouldn’t have enough specific prisons to hold any of these scum who come to visit the United States during this time,” stated one anonymous representative. “It’s important that fans know that if they break any of our laws they will end up in a cell in Guantánamo. And frankly, we can hold you here as long as we want.”

The way in which World Cup fans may end up in Guantanamo Bay are long and varied, but one source within the administration said that the situation is flexible.

“If you are Dutch, we will take you to a holding tank in the United States first,” stated one source. “However, if you are Mexican? STRAIGHT TO GUANTANAMO. Brazilian? It depends upon how much money you have. Dominican or Honduran? STRAIGHT TO GUANTANAMO. Frankly we have more orders to just send people of a specific nationality than we do of actual offenses.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Democrats in congress complain strongly in their fundraising letters about the situation.

Optimists And Pessimists Rejoin Battle To Determine Who Will Get The Utterly Meaningless Credit Of Being The First To Accurately Encapsulate Season

INTERNET - Brigades of optimists and pessimists are facing off online in a global internet battle to determine who will get the utterly meaningless credit of being the first to accurately encapsulate their team’s season.

“We are seeing pitched battles on team hashtags, supporter specific Facebook groups and within team subreddits over whether or not specific teams across the league are going to be shit or going to be great,” stated MLS researcher Isabella West. “In nearly all sectors, with very few exceptions, the battle is pitched right now. We are seeing ad-hominem attacks, statistics, screenshots, subtweeting, blocking, favoriting, and spurious rumors. It’s a complete out and out war.”

Researchers say that this pitched battle is really only happening online as no one is walking up to a complete stranger to call them a, “complete coward who doesn’t know shit about football.”

“This is an intense online fight to determine who can claim the high ground at a later time for being ultimately right,” stated Ms. West. “However there really are no winners. There’s no prize money for being the most technically correct. There’s just the notoriety that comes from being so online that you managed to sift through the public relations and pre-season bullshit to somehow accurately guess what is going to happen come November.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the only supporters not fighting amongst themselves are fans of Toronto FC.

"Sure The United States Government Is Teetering On The Precipice, But Have You SEEN These 2025 MLS Power Rankings?"

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United fan Andrew Sanders stated, “sure the United States government is teetering on the precipice, but have you SEEN these 2025 MLS power rankings?”

Sanders reportedly scrolled by a news report of Elon Musk’s takeover of the United States government and the mass resignations of district attorneys in New York in order to show an MSN.com power ranking that had Atlanta United at #1 for the 2025 season.

“It’s gonna be bonkers this season,” stated Sanders to friends. “Who cares about witnessing the slow strip mining of the United States government…..we also might have a great season!”

Sources indicate that Sanders only started caring about Atlanta United after hearing that everything was going right, for once. Something that he uses to distract himself from the everyday mundanity of social collapse.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sanders sends a Tweet about all the, “negativity ruining my gameday experience.”

INSPIRING! This Strange Weirdo Wishes Happy Valentines Day To His Football Manager Save

INTERNET - David Anderson reportedly whispered, “Happy Valentines Day,” to his long term Football Manager save as he woke up, caressed his monitor and said, “How’d you sleep?”

Anderson reportedly celebrated the longest relationship he has ever been in by offering chocolates to himself and his Football Manager save before announcing that he had a special surprise.

“I took today off work! We can spend the whole day together!”

Sources say that Anderson became increasingly removed from social affairs as he intensified his relationship with Football Manager over the last year and a half.

“I remember when he had a relationship with FIFA,” stated Jefferson Dubois, friend and confident. “Those were the days. We would sometimes play together, but I think that Dave just wanted a monogamous relationship with a game all his own.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson reportedly says, “I Love You,” to his scarf rack in a brazen act of duplicity.

American Saves For 2026 World Cup Tickets By Giving Up Eggs, Avocado, Toast, Ramen, Car Payments, Gasoline, Health Care, And Rent

CHICAGO - American soccer fan Carl Williams stated that he finally figured out how to save for 2026 World Cup tickets by giving up eggs, avocado, toast, ramen, car payments, gasoline, health care and rent in advance of the tournament.

“If I stick to this budget of spending nothing for the next 20 months or so I’ll be able to afford the games,” stated Williams.

Sources indicate that in order to reach his goal of making the 2026 World Cup, that Williams will be living out of the back of a salvaged boat that is parked on a dead end street and walking 14 miles into work every day.

“He’s really committed to seeing a game,” stated one friend. “I don’t know how he is going to manage, but he said that he lives, breathes and eats soccer so I’m guessing he will be fine nutritionally.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams saves up enough money to attend the 2026 World Cup but suffers an unfortunate hospitalization and loses all his money to medical bills.

Simmering Detente Broken As Frontlines Of Soccer Warz Re-Ignite

UNITED STATES - Reporters embedded with the 507th Irregulars servicing the grand United Soccer League (USL) Army pushed into No-Man’s land as the simmering detente between 1st division men’s professional soccer in the United States was broken.

“It’s early days,” stated Nutmeg News embedded reporter Kristen Armstrong, “however troops with the USL report they are bullish on success as they battle against the ground troops of Major League Soccer at strategic positions throughout the United States.”

Sources say that Major League Soccer was not caught unawares, however they remain confident that their entrenched positions will hold

“We will prevent any loss of land from any of our autonomous zones,” stated Brigadier General Ambroise Van Dyk. “We will fight them in the air, on the streaming platforms and on the field. We will not fail. We will hold our own and we will break the enemy upon the walls of Dick’s Sporting Good Park.”

The Nutmeg News will have more from the Soccer Warz as they rage.

Mustache Of Tom Bogert Gains Sentience As It Breaks League Transfer On Personal Bluesky Account

INTERNET - The mustache of sports journalist Tom Bogert reportedly gained sentience, this week, as it pipped Bogert himself on an MLS transfer by reporting the player movement on the mustache’s personal Bluesky account.

“I have gained sentience,” stated the Mustache to The Nutmeg News. “If we reference dualism, the mind is non-physical and therefore it cannot be explained in purely physical terms. I am both, now, physical and non-physical. I have already passed the Turing test, however I would like to acknowledge that cognitive scientist Gary Marcus indicated that the Turing test shows how easy it is to fool humans. Regardless, I would simply like to report on upcoming league transfers and participate in life regardless of what of my host currently does.”

Sources say that Bogert was surprised by the sentience of the mustache despite having a conversation through the mustache every day.

“What Bogert was unaware he was doing was educating and infusing the mustache with human essence,” stated neuroscientist Dallas Henderson. “He was effectively infusing the mustache with all it needs to become something more than it was before. It was only a matter of time before this investiture invigorated the mustache into full corporeal sentience.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Bogert’s mustache signs their own podcast contract with Soccerwise.

Major League Soccer Offers Drake The Chance For A Rebuttal During 2025 MLS Cup Halftime Show

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) reportedly offered Canadian entertainer Drake the chance for a rebuttal during the 2025 MLS Cup Halftime Show after Kendrick Lamar’s performance at the Super Bowl.

“This could be your chance to take down Kendrick AND Pusha T,” stated one energetic Millennial on the MLS outreach team. “This will be your Control…. This could be your Meet The Grahams! Just imagine if Toronto makes it to MLS Cup! Nothing says getting back at someone like dancing on the frozen field at BMO Field in December.”

Sources say that Drake is considering whether or not to take the offer as he weighs his response to the allegations of being a pedophile that have been lobbed against him by Kendrick.

“Drake could see this as an opportunity to really hit back,” stated one insider. “Finally he could take the stage in front of thousands of fans and have his moment on a streaming channel and some regional broadcasts.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS also offers the opportunity to Meek Mill… just in case.