Veteran Supporter Really Pretending To Care This Year

NEW YORK - Veteran Red Bull New York and Metrostars supporter Enrique Hernandez showed his commitment to really pretending to care this year by listening to new Red Bull fan Josh Davis rant about how excited he is for the upcoming season.

“If I duck down under the level of the outside wall he might not see me.”

"OMG THIS SEASON IS GOING TO BE SO GOOD,.” spewed Davis to Hernandez in the corridor between their cubicles and the men’s restroom.

“I’M SO EXCITED THAT THERE IS ANOTHER RED BULLS FAN HERE. AT MY LAST JOB THERE WEREN’T ANY SOCCER FANS. I FINALLY GOT SEASON TICKETS THIS YEAR. DID YOU WATCH THE PRESEASON GAMES? THE PRESEASON GAMES WERE AMAZING! WE MADE IT TO PLAY OFFS, RIGHT, IT WAS AMAZING. WE TOTALLY HAVE A CHANCE! WHERE ARE YOU WATCHING THE GAME NEXT WEEK,” shouted Davis as Hernandez let himself into the key-card accessed server room to which Davis does not have access.

A fan of the team since 1996, Hernandez recently went through a passionless season where he felt numb and disengaged most of the year despite mostly positive results by the team. He confided to other close friends that he even considered giving up his season tickets before he figured out a way to continue enjoying the matches by scaling back his social media presence and enjoying things as they happen.

According to statements made later that day, Hernandez was, “Yeah, um.. super excited for the season,” as he filled up his coffee and asked what the temperature outside was in a monotone voice.

"Should be a fun year, I guess. We are totally going to win the league or something,” sighed Hernandez to Mr Davis. “This is my 23rd year supporting the team and i’m sooooooooooo toooootally as excited as i was in year one, man."

According to fellow coworkers, Mr Davis spent most of Tuesday trying to set up a watch party between the two of them for the next away game before asking Mr. Hernandez where his season tickets are in the stadium and, “DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAKES THOSE BIG BANNER THINGS THAT THE FANS HAVE BECAUSE I HAVE SOME GREAT IDEAS.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hernandez actively avoids Davis when he sees him at a concessions stand in Red Bull Arena.

Don Garber Promises Safe Space For Neo-Nazis And Gang Members

WASHINGTON - In recent comments to Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News reporter Jonathan Tannenwald, Major League Soccer Commissioner Don Garber promised a safe space and refuge for Neo-Nazis, gang members and white supremacists as he stated that the league wasn’t interested in the beliefs of the person but rather just the wallet and money that individual possesses.

“The last thing this league is going to do is start getting into profiling who people are and what their backgrounds are,” stated Commissioner Garber when asked about Neo-Nazis, racists and violent individuals who patronized New York City FC games over the past few years. “We don’t care if the person is yelling anti-semitic slurs, threatening fellow fans and throwing up Nazi salutes as long as they are doing so outside or slightly adjacent to the stadium or even maybe inside but out of sight of any of our monitors. There are good people on both sides of the Neo-Nazis who want to hurt people and people who don’t like Nazis debate. As they say, if the check clears then you may appear and we are completely fine with that.”

Commissioner Garber stated that this philosophy does not extend to smoke or flares outside the stadium as he stated, “Smoke and flares are still not OK outside the stadium. Look, we aren’t going to judge you if you are a Nazi or believe in the Nazi beliefs because those are your own beliefs, but if you light a flare, a smoke bomb or even an un-permitted grill within SNIFFING distance of an MLS stadium we will ban you from the grounds in perpetuity.”

When asked about the continual efforts at eliminating anti-fascist statements and banners in MLS crowds, Commissioner Garber stated that he refuses to judge people for their convictions as long as they exalt the league above the individual.

“We believe in a centralized autocratic government headed by a supreme leader with severe economic and social regimentation. If there’s any kind of opposition to this we reserve the right to engage in forcible suppression.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Don Garber announces a anti-anti-fascists night at NYCFC games.

Area Man Ready To Argue Nuances Of MLS Rules He Doesn't Understand

Seattle, WA - Area man David Williams announced on Twitter that he was ready to argue the nuances of player acquisition and retention rules in Major League Soccer despite only having a vague understanding of the rules in place.

“I’m not about to let my lack of knowledge stop me from offering an opinion”

“The Galaxy are going to be in …. violation…. I think…..,” stated Williams to his Twitter account on Friday. “They should be punished somehow if there’s a mechanism for punishment, or if there isn’t than they shouldn’t be, but maybe they should be anyway in some way if everyone allows that from um…. forthwith… and… um… in perpetuity…. ipso facto.”

Williams was reportedly incensed by the insinuation that the Los Angeles Galaxy might be bending the rules in MLS by keeping four designated players as he stated, “I’m pretty sure that’s unfair,” before he attempted to google the MLS competition rules for 2019.

“As soon as I skim these first few pages I plan on starting a Twitter thread that really is going to sock it to some team or person if I can understand exactly what is going on or maybe not,” muttered Williams to himself as he downloaded the incorrect manual from 2015.

“So they should deduct um, TAM/GAM if the TAM is aged over 10 years in a cherry wood wine barrell? That can’t be right,” stated Williams as he attempted to decipher whatever the hell it is that the league calls the rules these days.

According to his Twitter feed, Williams is not the only person lashing about like an octopus with a ripped tentacle as he reflexively labled the league or maybe the front office or maybe the disciplinary panel or maybe the commissioner or maybe the league reporters and coverage as cheats and swindlers unless maybe they aren’t because there’s some kind of spreadsheet thing that makes sense and ok, whatever they are still cheats or not.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league considers more rules to cover the rules to cover the rules to cover the rules that someone else is breaking but not really because the rules are all made up anyway.