Updated USL Code Of Conduct Mandates All New Fans Start A Podcast

Tampa, FL - Information released from the United Soccer League (USL) headquarters in Tampa indicate that the league has updated their 2020 Code Of Conduct to mandate that all new fans of USL teams start a podcast.

“We want to keep the USL Championship momentum going in 2020,” stated one anonymous source. “Forcing fans to start a podcast is not really even necessary given the number of USL and lower league podcasts that are out there, but we felt it was important to put this in writing.”

With over 250,000 podcasts already pontificating on lower league soccer in the United States, promotion/relegation, and the fortunes of teams in USL Championship, USL League 1, and USL League 2, many people think that there may be a podcast bubble building.

“Smart investors are going to short the USL podcast market,” stated one analyst for J.T. Morgen Beard Sterns Podcast Division. “We can see that the bubble is going to pop soon on the podcast market and there will be tens of thousands of homeless podcasts who will be wandering the web without content for months at a time.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a new fan of Las Vegas spends his first hour of being a fan buying a microphone.

USMNT Fan Enlists In Army In Order To Scout World Cup 2022

Omaha, NE - Jeremy Eubanks of Omaha announced to friends and family today that he enlisted in the United States Army in order to scout the upcoming World Cup 2022 held in Qatar.

“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“I believe our boys are going to get it done in World Cup Qualifying,” stated Eubanks as he attempted to calm the nerves of his mother and father. “It’s absolutely going to help out my American Outlaws friends in order to be able to scout where we can hold our 2022 prefunk over in Qatar.”

With potential deployment to a whole host of nations in his very near future, Eubanks indicated that he was excited to see some of the territory overseas as he announced that he had a case of World Cup Fever.

“Qatar has a a window seat view of Iran, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, the United Arab Emirates and Iraq. There’s a pretty decent chance that I’ll be able to really scout out the best locations to eat, drink, party and cheer on the stars and stripes from wherever I end up getting posted. Given the current political climate, I’ll be almost guaranteed to have several deployments to the area and I’m guessing that by the time 2022 comes around that I’ll be a complete local.”

Despite the current tension in the region, Eubanks illustrated his positive thought as he stated, “I can’t wait for the boys to crush the hexagonal just like we crushed the Gulf War back in 1990, and 1991, and the Iraq War in 2003, and 2004, and 2005, and 2006, and 2007, and 2008, and 2009, and 2010, and 2011, and 2014, and 2015, and 2016, and 2017, and 2018, and 2019, and 2020 and just like Afghanistan in 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020 and just like Syria… well… you get the picture. WOO HEX! WOO CONCACAF!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Eubanks ensures that everyone pays dues to al-Udeid American Outlaws in order to get priority tickets.

Supporters Group Veterans Concerned That Newly Commissioned Capo Hasn't Seen Action

Portland, OR - Supporters Group veterans with the Timbers Army voiced concerns that newly commissioned capo First Lieutenant William “Bubba” Johnson hasn’t seen action.

“I didn’t see him face down in the muck when we invaded Starfire and took the hill.” — 1SG Paul Phillips

In a heated conversation at a local brewery, non commissioned officers Ronnie Libscomb, Ivan Hernandez and Paul Phillips discussed their concern at the new section leader.

“A scarf is something you wear. Respect is something you gotta earn,” stated Master Sergeant Libscomb of Charlie Company.

“A leader should be able to command the attention of the troops and inspire them with confidence for the mission at hand,” stated Master Sergeant Hernandez of Easy Company. “Where is Johnson going to be when the chips are down, the troops are dejected and they are looking to him for inspiration? You can’t simulate what it feels like when you can feel the shots on the field, the Howitzers are booming, the smoke is drifting across the battleground, and you see someone get hit with friendly fire from the field of combat. You don’t learn how to deal with that by studying tactical videos from Ultras-Tifo.”

“Well, I’ll tell you what we are gonna have,” stated First Sergeant Paul Phillips of the Fighting 106th. “Another shiny asshole with a shiny scarf looking at his shiny commendations he didn’t earn on his shiny uniform. I bet a hundred bucks he washes that scarf after every match,”

According to sources that observed Johnson, Libscomb, Hernandez and Phillips inspecting the troops online, Phillips stated, “My men, my equipment, your mission,” to Johnson as he informed the Lieutenant on the readiness of his new command.

For their part, the NCOs stated that they would fully honor their duty to set a standard for lower-ranked soldiers. However, the simmering discontent continued as they accused Johnson of being a fresh faced goof who probably, “doesn’t understand the struggle with troop movement and operations on a national level and probably can’t even grow a beard.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as 1st Lieutenant Johnson ensures that his hat and scarf are clean for the upcoming war-games.

Major League Soccer Plans Military Drone Appreciation Day

NEW YORK - According to insider sources, Major League Soccer (MLS) is planning a 2020 league wide Military Drone Appreciation Day as they expand the influence of the US military into the league beyond camouflage kits, swearing in ceremonies and in-stadium military displays.

“We are a patriotic, beer drinking, AMERICAN league,” stated one MLS insider, “and we plan on exhibiting that patriotism as he honor the silent workhorses of our military that allow us to rain death across the Middle East.”

League plans reportedly include a Salute To Our Drones patriotic display while supporters groups will be instructed to sing America The Beautiful as a General Atomics MQ-9 Reaper circles around the stadium pulling an American flag.

“This is an opportunity for all of us to show how much we support our UAVs in harms way,” stated Billy Harris from Atlanta. “I, for one, hope that they can show us how the targeting system works by using the drone to lock on to a random fan and pretend to destroy one of us for season tickets! That would be amazing.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league announces this will apply to teams that play in that other country as well.

Area Man Slams Club América As Being Un-American

Boston, MA - Area man Charles “Chucky” O’Connor repeatedly slammed Club América for being, “un-American,” during a verbose Instagram Live post on Thursday.

Stating, “Yo, that shit isn’t from here,” O’Connor ranted on Instagram Live about the Mexico City based side for allegedly not being American after discovering the team existed via a Facebook post by a friend of his during the Club América v Monterrey Liga MX final.

“American teams are in AMERICA,” ranted O’Connor to his cellphone as he paced in front of the couch of his one bedroom studio in Mattapan. “You can’t call a team that plays in Mexico a name like Club America. AMERICA ISN’T MEXICO, BRO. MEXICO ISN’T, AMERICA, THE UNITED STATES ARE AMERICA. It’s in the name, ok? This is some stolen VALOR shit, man. Imma find these guys and crack some heads for the USA.”

According to researchers, Club America was founded in 1916 from two separate teams. The Mexico City side was named by player Pedro Quintanilla who suggested América as the team formed on anniversary of the dia del descubrimiento de América (day of the discovery of America).

For his part, O’Connor was resolute in his righteous anger as he slammed anyone who could let this travesty happen.

“This is why no one watches soccer, man. I’m going to go back and watch the Pats play to make me stop thinking about how angry this makes me.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as good friend Grady Williams tags O’Connor in a highlight video post on Facebook of all Club América goals from 2019.

Recent Picture Of Former Toronto FC Player Reminds Fan Of Own Mortality

Toronto, ON - A picture of former Toronto FC player Jim Brennan reminded TFC fan George Tremblay of his own mortality and the ticking hands of time as he realized that Brennan was signed for TFC over 13 years ago.

Susie Kockerscheidt/Metroland - www.yorkregion.com

“Holy hell…. I HAD HAIR IN THIS PICTURE” stated Tremblay to The Nutmeg News. “Has it really been that long? My god, I hadn’t even met Sarah yet! I was only 28 and living in that cheap bachelor apartment. It was about $730 a month. How times have changed. Jeeze, man I really need to get healthy. God, what is that lump? Shit. Ok, I’m not going to look at WebMD. Ok, maybe I’ll get it …. wait … is that a new mole?”

Tremblay reportedly spent part of his work day on Wednesday looking up memories from 2007 and 2008 as he wallowed in the nostalgia of a team that almost seems wholly separate from the recent success that Toronto Football Club obtained recently.

“Yeah, in some of these old shots you can see us in the stands,” stated Tremblay as he used Google advanced search to narrow down pictures and videos of times now so long ago. “I remember throwing my commemorative seat cushion out onto the field when Danny scored. It was like a rain of souvenirs that eventually we all wished to get back. Recently the only thing I threw was my back… out.

Tremblay indicated that it wasn’t just the players but the fans themselves that made him feel very old as he realized he could see pictures of people who no longer attend games.

“James and Lee didn’t survive as fans after 2012. Larry, there on the right, didn’t survive 2013. I still text him from time to time. He watches games from home when he can. Had a scare with cancer. Long story, but he’s on the mend now.”

With his ticking mortality on display, Tremblay indicated that he’s excited to explain to a new crop of TFC fans what it was like before 2015.

“The new fans have no idea…. NO IDEA what it was like. We wore paper bags on our head and we LIKED IT.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Tremblay schedules time to pretend to get healthy before heading out for some heavy drinking.