Despondent Bob Kraft Admits That No Amount Of Super Bowl Wins Will Fill MLS Cup Void

Houston, TX - A despondent Bob Kraft admitted, on Monday, that no amount of Super Bowl wins will fill the void of a missing MLS Cup from his trophy case as he dejectedly fired back at the press.

"I breathe Revolution football. I live Revolution football. It's all I can understand."

"You don't understand that every hollow victory by the Patriots just exacerbates my enveloping depression concerning the Revolution," stated Kraft to the room full of journalists. "Sure I can win in the NFL, but anyone can do that. Meanwhile, I've failed demonstrably to build a winner in soccer despite my worst efforts."

Kraft reportedly left the Super Bowl victory immediately after the trophy presentation to sit in a darkened suite at NRG Stadium and watch a replay of the three straight finals that his beloved Revolution "Buffalo Bill'd" back in the early 2000's.

"I breathe Revolution football. I live Revolution football. It's all I can understand. I kick every ball with Lee Nguyen. I chase every header with Kei Kamara. I make every turn with Gershon Koffie... wait... he is still on the team, right? The Patriots are the placeholder that give light to my love of the Revolution and every failure that breaks the heart of our fans is a dagger at my own heart and hurts my pride."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a dejected Kraft reviews the 2014 final while photoshopping a new Revolution logo and calling about how the new stadium permitting is going in downtown Boston.

Soccer Fan's Relentless Criticism Of Super Bowl Finally Converts Friends To Loving Soccer

NEW YORK - Harold Leipgott's relentless criticism of the Super Bowl finally converted his football friends to soccer fans as the years of telling everyone the Super Bowl isn't that big internationally took hold.

SEE..... SEEEEEEEEEEE?!!!!?!!?!?!?!?! THIS IS NOT AN OVERT ACT OF INSECURITY. NOT AT ALL.

Source: http://www.carbonated.tv/sports/super-bowl-audience-infographics

"After seeing the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history and the first overtime in Super Bowl history, I realized that it's so boring," stated friend James Murtaw. "Only 16.2 minutes of actual ball play? Boring. Low energy sport. Harold was right, all these years."

"Harold always posted that graph showing how no one cares about the game internationally, but it took til this year for me to finally realize that I'm all about soccer," stated ex-girlfriend Deandra Blevens. "I've now decided, solely based on Harold's intransigent efforts, that it's all soccer from here on in.... or at least until week 2 of the NFL season."

Leipgott's efforts weren't constrained just to his immediate social circle as his ability to put the game down at work resulted in conversions there, as well.

"As I watched Julian Edelman make that catch where his amazing athleticism and concentration fused together to give us a glimpse of what someone who has trained their whole life to do something does when they are up against tremendous odds, the scales fell from my eyes and I realized how boring it all was and that I'd much rather be watching the Houston Dynamo try to connect passes together in 99 degree heat," stated co-worker Daniel Steres. 

"Oh, Brady has his fifth Super Bowl win? Has he ever won Ballon d'Or? No? Has he won it six times in a row? No? Then I have no interest in him until he's at Messi's level," stated Leipgott's manager Carlotta Garibaldi. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on the efforts of Harold Leipgott as he attempts to successfully e-vite these new soccer fans to a UEFA European Final watch party at his house.

NYCFC Utility Midfielder Frank Lampard Retires From Two Year Career

NEW YORK - Spurning offers from multiple USL clubs, utility midfielder Frank Lampard announced his retirement from his short two year career playing for New York City FC in Major League Soccer (MLS).

Frank Lapmard

Lampard's short stay with NYCFC was full of up and downs as the midfielder made 31 appearances scoring 15 goals for the fledgling franchise. 

The journeyman player was selected for the 2015 MLS All-Star game in a controversial appearance and one NYCFC player of the month. He was also inducted into the Ride Of Fame alongside other NYCFC players Andrea Pirlo and David Villa.

Area man inducts NYCFC Designated Players David Villa (l.) and Andrea Pirlo (r.)  into the Ride of Fame Tuesday (D DIPASUPIL/GETTY IMAGES FOR RIDE OF FAME)

Fans state that while they will miss Lampard's goal scoring form found at the end of 2016, that they aren't fully certain why the fledgling midfielder would cut his career short after only two years.. Sources were able to confirm that Lampard is looking at picking up his career in Tax Accounting at a firm in Tampa Florida.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we wish Frank Lampard the best of wishes on his way through relearning about a midsized business that is a Subchapter S corporation, a limited liability company treated as a flow-through entity, or a partnership, and are referred to as the U.S. business. S corporation shareholders, individual/noncorporate LLC members, or individual/noncorporate partners are referred to as U.S. taxpayers.

Slang Report: "Kevin Nagle" New Slang For Asshole, In Sacramento

Sacramento, CA - Reports from the capitol of California indicate that soccer fans in the area are using new slang to describe someone who is an imbecilic asshole as "Kevin Nagle" or "a Nagle" gains steam in the area.

The Nutmeg News spoke to linguistic professor Barbara Brown at California State University, Sacramento about the influx of new slang to the area.

"Soccer fans are notorious for cribbing language from other locations and countries but in this case they are developing a new slang of their own," stated Brown to our reporters. "In this case, Sacramento Republic fans, overnight, started re-framing the language they use to indicate that someone is a dickish, churlish, insensitive, or imbecilic person by calling that person a Nagle"

Brown gave the example of a Republic fan stating, "Don't be a Nagle, man" when at one point he would have stated, "Don't be an asshole."

"Language is always in flux, but I remain fascinated that we can transpose items like Kevin Nagle to mean asshole, in a matter of a few moments based on circumstances," stated Brown.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people realize there are a lot of Nagle's on Twitter talking about the Sacramento to MLS deal.

USL Player Instagram Account Just 2000 Pictures Of Cats

Cincinnati, OH - Thinking he was getting a behind the scenes look into the life of a soccer player, Quincy Flitter admitted that he followed FC Cincinnati player Victor Donaldi on Instagram only to find out that his Instagram feed is just 2000 pictures of cats in different poses.

"Whoooooo is a cute boy?!"

"I just don't know what I expected," stated Flitter to The Nutmeg News. "I had this general idea that his account would be something like a turned down version of Pogba, or his favorite restaurants, or his life behind the scenes. It's just pictures of cats. Seriously. Just look at it. It's freaking pictures of cats."

Flitter stated that he didn't necessarily need any kind of debauchery, but even some pictures of Donaldi out in Cincinnati would be nice.

"It's definitely his account. It has his bio, a picture of him in his kit taking on a player from a game last season. He even links his Instagram account from his official Facebook page. However, the content is just pictures of cats. I'm still stunned. Does he have all these cats at his house? Is he just a cat picture connoisseur? I'm a little freaked out by this, to be honest."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Flitter obsessivley follows all the developments on Donaldi's account for the time when he actually posts a picture of himself at home, with his cat.