Man Mistakenly Yells Slur At MLS Game

Seattle, WA - Robert Elliot Jones, a junior sales associate with Dmitri's Meat in Bremerton, Washington, was confronted and escorted from the recent Seattle Sounders game and then beaten in the parking lot after getting caught up in the moment and screaming the homophobic slur 'puto' in the supporters area of the Sounders stadium.

Jones, a native English speaker with exactly one year of high school Spanish, had the following to say. "Well, I'm not much of a drinker and my wife purchased the tickets for me as a boys night out type of thing since I've been taking care of our little Aiden, Kaiden and Jaiden at home for the last two months. When I got to the stadium I had a bit too much white wine before the game started. I'm usually a half glass drinker and I had a glass and a half. I knew it was going to be crazy."

Jones stated that he took his seat in the supporters section and the emotion of the crowd carried him away. "I honestly didn't mean to offend. I heard tons of fans yelling out the word during the World Cup so I thought that is what you are supposed to do. They'd always yell it as the keeper was kicking the ball so I thought it was Spanish for "punt." Look, I have tons of Hispanic friends. I mean I know a few that go to our church. At least I say hi to them from time to time when I see them in their cars as they are leaving their Spanish service. And by saying hi I mean I waive to them when they leave my parking spot. I would never say something in public that would offend them."

While Mr. Jones believed the word was Spanish for punt, the word is actually taken by North American fans to be a homophobic slur. This ignorance resulted in a major confrontation for Mr. Jones. "It was awful. People started screaming at me, someone dumped a beer on my head, another person pulled me out of my seat and started yelling at me and poking me in the face. At first I didn't even know what I did. When I finally heard someone yell 'You can't say that!' I asked, 'What can't I say? Puto?' At that point a woman screamed 'He said it again!' and I was then drug out of the supporters section and into the back parking lot."

Artists rendition of event

Artists rendition of event

We spoke with one of the Sounders supporters to get their take on what happened next. "He was, like, a total Class A bigoted douchebag and needed to be served. While we waited for the King County Sheriffs to arrive we made sure he understood that we don't allow intolerance in our section by beating him." It was also reported that profanities about servicing Mr. Jones' mother were also hurled in his direction as a way to demonstrate that being offensive to others is not allowed at CenturyLink Field.

Mr. Jones was then forced to attend mandatory sensitivity training before being allowed back into another game. Mr. Jones has stated he learned a valuable lesson about swearing at soccer games and plans to keep any future swearing outbursts confined to the three swear words that his German grandfather taught him 26 years ago that he has no idea what they mean.

MIT And Opta Release Updated Statistics

Cambridge, MA - In an effort to further confuse and enrage fans everywhere, statistics analysts with Opta and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) have released an updated spectrum of soccer statistics with the effort of really trying to still explain things that can't be explained.

"We needed to create statistics that show more individual and personalized items for players. These advanced statistics need to be able to be drilled down to their country, what they ate for breakfast and if their bowel movement was sufficient enough before they played. For example we need to explain the statistics that show statistics about why a player won't move his body 6 inches to the right or to the left while  he has possession of the ball in a vertical sense with a horizontal offense when the team is down 1 goal, on the road." said lead researcher David Foulks.

"It's important for us to clarify that someone had an expected wait time of .4 nanoseconds when considering passing options to eastern european midfielders and a .5 wait time of when considering passing options to Italian designated players to further correlate a bunch of bullshit into a general way of talking that serves only to confuse everyone further from the fact that some players and coaches aren't very good at their job."

Opta representative James Teddy said the following, "We just gotta get paid. If we keep up with providing the fans and coaching staff relatively meaningless statistics to argue about we will have done our job. I mean soccer isn't like Baseball. You can't just determine the better team or who should win by looking at possession numbers or passing numbers or whether a team completed more passes while in the opposition half. However, that doesn't stop us from trying to shoehorn in a metric for every possible play and player that allows us to really imbue the self-entitled know-it-all with a sense of righteous indignation that more people don't know about the .XGATRGERSVCDERDUDTWWADFC (expected goals allowed to rear German Slovakian center defenders expecting rapid defense under duress this week with accepted defensive frailties coefficient) percentage statistic. These statistics are enlightening and will allow you to berate other people that don't know the statistic into a comatose shell by your pure, howling rage as they fail to see how this explains .... like TOTALLY EVERYTHING."

TNN will continue to cover the statistical space race as it happens.

 

TNN Catalogs Soccer April Fools: @whatahowler and Howler Magazine

As Part of The Nutmeg News continuing coverage of attempted April Fools jokes online, we now turn to Howler Magazine, who actually at least put some effort into their attempted April Fools joke with their mock cover of a faux issue titled "The Denim Issue"  

The Nutmeg News will have more on the actual, factual  attempts of MLS, USL, NASL and all of North American soccer's day of pranking.

TNN Catalogs Soccer April Fools: Reddit MLS

Continuing with The Nutmeg News cataloging the attempts at April Fools jokes in soccer on the internet today, The Nutmeg News can report that the aggregation and social commentary site Reddit/MLS attempted to play an April Fools joke by pretending that the specific portion dedicated to Major League Soccer has traveled back in time before the first kick of Major League Soccer in 1996

Screenshot so you don't actually have to go there.

Screenshot so you don't actually have to go there.

The site is filled with continuous in-jokes, references to long dead Major League Soccer items like shootouts, and terrible attempts to troll. Essentially, not much has changed.

The Nutmeg News will have more on the actual, factual  attempts of MLS, USL, NASL and all of North American soccer's day of pranking

TNN Catalogs Soccer April Fools: Orlando City

Orlando, FL -  In requirement with Major League Soccer's seeming mandate of running April Fools jokes, Orlando City Soccer Club attempted to play a practical joke on their fans, today.

OCSC made up a fake announcement that they installed purple turf at the Citrus Bowl before their next game, utilizing an article and a photoshopped picture of faux-purple turf to drive the emphasis of their joke home.

http://www.orlandocitysc.com/post/2015/04/01/orlando-citrus-bowl-installs-purple-pitch-ahead-friday%E2%80%99s-matchup-vs-dc-united

It's Purple

It's Purple

The club stated on their website, "TurfRite was able to perform the feat by modifying the DNA strands in regular bermuda grass with purple enzymes found in Lavender and Eggplant. "

The Nutmeg News will have more on the actual, factual  attempts of MLS, USL, NASL and all of North American soccer's day of pranking

TNN Catalogs Soccer Aprils Fools: New England Revolution

Foxborough, MA - In requirement with Major League Soccer's seeming mandate of running April Fools jokes, the New England Revolution attempted to play a practical joke on their fans, today. The club reported that they were docked 3 points for playing with a yellow ball during a snow game with San Jose.

http://www.revolutionsoccer.net/video/2015/03/31/revolution-docked-three-points-use-yellow-ball

The "Joke" was set up via a 1:58 second video interview and expose on the Revolution home page and was distributed over the internet via twitter.

The Nutmeg News will have more on the actual, factual  attempts of MLS, USL, NASL and all of North American soccer's day of pranking