President Trump Offers Juventus Team The Option To Abduct And Imprison Any Democrat Senator They Want

WASHINGTON - During a visit to the White House with President Donald Trump, players from Juventus were reportedly given the option to abduct and imprison any Democrat Senator they wanted.

“It’s a good time,” stated the President Of The United States. “Almost as good as bombing Iran. But not like men dressing as women dressing as men dressing as women in sport and the price of eggs going down to 30 kopeks a whistle”

Sources say that the Juventus team were given a full tour of the White House and the offer to abduct and imprison any Democrat Senator was offered to them by the President himself at the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office.

“First he said we could flip a coin and decide if someone lived or died,” stated one anonymous player. “Then he said that we could just ask to have anyone on the left thrown in jail. It was wild.”

For his part, President Trump decried the rumor as, “fear mongering by desperate leftists communists who are trying to implement sharia law in autoparts stores and make all Americans vegan transgender activists.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gio Reyna asks if the offer still stands for non Juventus players.

German World Cup Team Prepares For United States Games By Training For Tear Gas Exposure

GERMANY - The German Men’s World Cup Team is reportedly preparing for games in the United States by training for tear gas exposure and police violence as their coaches put together a plan to ensure that they won’t be surprised.

“We saw the recent video of football being played in gas during a game in Washington,” stated one German insider. “It seems prudent for our players to understand how to play through the exposure to these every day American things.”

Sources say that the team has imported American police officers and ICE goon squads to randomly launch tear gas cannisters and less-lethal munitions at players as they try to play out of the back.

“We actually had to ask them to hold back at the beginning as the people we brought in from the United States gleefully and repeatedly launched gas at our players and lined them up for shots from their non-lethal munitions,” stated our insider. “It was important for us to step into this little by little, but nothing we did calmed down the people we brought in. Unfortunately, some of our youth team were detained for not presenting paperwork and disturbing the peace as they practiced a rondo on the sidelines. We are still working to free them from a prison in Dallas.”

The Nutmeg News has more on this as this happens.

God Admits He Can't Focus On Helping Poor, Destitute, And Immigrant Communities Until He Finishes Coordinating 2026 World Cup Prayers By USMNT Fans

LOS ANGELES - God, the almighty American business god, admitted that he can’t focus on helping the poor, destitute and immigrant communities in the world until he finishes coordinating his response to the multitude of prayers regarding the 2026 World Cup by USMNT (United States Men’s National Team) fans.

“I was going to intervene in the campaign of terror against people who have been praying to me since they were born,” stated God in an exclusive interview. “However, I’m still busy with the prayers of Steve Bixby from Raleigh, North Carolina who prayed for a winning lottery ticket, a new Harley Davidson, and the USMNT to not embarrass themselves in the 2026 World Cup.”

Sources say that the amount of prayers by USMNT fans over the past year have increased to the point where God, the almighty, is unable to keep up with the demand.

“Ok, sure, yes, I’d love to be helping out the Gutierrez family with their needs as they are forcibly abducted off the streets of Los Angeles…….. But I really need to address this prayer by Steve Henderson to have Pulisic be healthy and interested in the team again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the God logjam continues in perpetuity.

American Outlaws Announce Partnership With ICE To Ensure 2026 World Cup Supporters Section Is For Americans Only

NEBRASKA - The United States Men’s Soccer Team (USMNT) supporters group American Outlaws announced a partnership with Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) to ensure that their 2026 World Cup supporters section would be for Americans only.

“We are working in conjunction with Washington D.C. to ensure that only Americans support the USMNT,” stated one AO bro in a “back to back world war champs” t-shirt, American flag shorts and a ben franklin hat with thin blue line patch. “This world cup is about American values and American soccer. What better way to support the boys on the field than making certain that we keep out the dangerous elements and immigrants in our supporters section.”

Sources say that ICE will have a presence in the stands and the concourse to enforce English only mandates as AO leadership stated, “This isn’t about Politics. This is about complying with the mandates from Washington. We aren’t about politics. American Outlaws, ICE and DOGE ain’t nothing to fuck with!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when it happens.