NEW YORK - In a program created over the past 10 years, the nurses of Mount Sinai West and New York Presbyterian reportedly distribute a list of excuses cultivated since 1996 that indicate, in full, the reasons why the future adult in question will not attend any soccer games at Red Bull Arena.
"It was important for us to standardize the excuses ahead of time," stated Registered Nurse Sandra Halman. "We spoke to people on the street and scoured the internet for every possible excuse from, 'the PATH train is too complicated,' to the ever classic, 'I'm not rooting for any team named after an energy drink,' to the trendy xenophobic, 'there's too many fans from other countries there.' We then compiled this list and gave them to all the newborn infants over the past few years so that they would be prepared to come up with an excuse when they become the age where they want to experiment with soccer."
Sources within the Birthing Center of New York in Brooklyn indicate that they were reluctant to expose children to soccer at this early an age due to the fact that even the manufacturers of soccer were seemingly against advertisements.
"Given that the companies that provide this addictive sport think that it is too dangerous to advertise their team to the general populace, we were obviously very concerned about expressing these dangerous ideas to day old children," stated Obstetrician Patty Helms. "However, the risk of these children being born without the proper excuses as to why they will not attend games at Red Bull Arena far outweigh the dangers of exposing them to soccer before they are fully developed."
According to doulas with the Brooklyn Midwifery Group, even people interested in home births in the five boroughs are getting educated as the midwife community express the self evident truths of soccer support in the New York area during a, "Get to know your bloody show," event currently at the Placenta Pavilion on Birth Canal Street.
"It's important for these parents and these infants to understand the tug of local soccer and how best to resist it," stated Head Doula Dominque Swain. "We let parents know of the addictive chemical composition of local soccer injected with Taurine and Gluten. It's a very dangerous composition."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more excuses pile up from soccer fans in the area.