TORONTO - For Wesley Marshall, the return of the UEFA Champions League is an annual reminder of his aesthetic superiority over all the rest of his fellow soccer fans as he crowed again about the standard of play in the only soccer league that he is willing to watch.
"MLS? Terrible. USL? Terrible. La Liga? Terrible. The Canadian Premier League that hasn't even started yet? Oh yes, we KNOW that is going to be terrible. The only true competition for any soccer fan is the UEFA Champions League," ranted Mr. Marshall to his friends on his Facebook account as he waded into any conversation about soccer with his typical sanctimonious rage.
"All leagues and all players who aren't in the UEFA Champions League are terrible and unworthy of even existing," ranted Marshall as his malice towards any soccer other than the ultimate competition was unbound and full of righteous indignation. "You shouldn't even be watching MLS, USL, the NPSL, or any league that isn't in Europe. You definitely shouldn't be watching any teams in England because if the Champions League has shown us anything it is that teams in England are shit. There is only one competition, and there is only one soccer team that is worth your attention and that competition is the UEFA Champions League and that soccer team is whichever team claims that prize."
Mr. Marshall stated that he doesn't purchase team gear, or root for any specific team as he prefers to soak in the spectacle of the UEFA Champions League in a respectable format in observance of his strict application of aesthetic purity.
"Life isn't about watching a team from your area struggle. Life is only about watching the best against the best. Everything else is trifle. So if you talk soccer around me, I will interrupt, because I am compelled to tell you that this is only thing worth watching."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a TFC fan considers punching Mr Marshall in his snobbish nose.